Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Jenni "JWoww" Farley

Snooki & J Woww: The Extended Trailer. Dear God.

Alright. I’m about to reveal some really heavy shit right here, guys, and it kind of goes like this: this show. Well. I guess it actually doesn’t look all that bad. And worse? The trailer kind of makes Snooki and J Woww look like charming, young, all-American girls (let’s just not comment on the “all-American” part, OK?). Somehow, I was able to identify with J Woww with the whole quasi-disappointed “she’s [Snooki] not hoorah-ing,” and I was also able to identify with the confused, surprised, and kind of sad Snooki as she realized that she wasn’t sure what she wanted after hearing that she’s pregnant.

I do resolve, however, not to watch this show (publicly). I also will say that there’s still positively nothing appealing about either one of these young women (except for their soft, sensitive sides that have been magically revealed through their spin-off). Last, I’m going to make a promise to myself, and you guys, that I won’t be talking about this show when it debuts (much).

What did you guys think of the trailer? For the fans, is it everything you hoped for and more? For the haters, did it maybe change your outlook on Snooks and Jenni Farley? Help a sister out here.

Classy J Woww Compiled a “Presidents I’d Like to F-ck” List

photo of j woww presidents to fuck pictures photos pics
Why? Oh I don’t know. Probably because this is what J Woww considers “deep thinking,” because anytime she hears the words “deep,” she automatically associates them with “deep-throating” and deep as in “knee-deep in crusty vadge.”

In light of President’s Day today (which pissed me off, because my bank was closed, therefore a check I deposited on Saturday did not clear because of it), J wrote up her very own “President I’d Like to F-ck” list. Here they are in no particular order (I guess):

Ulysses S. Grant
Abraham Lincoln
Bill Clinton
George Washington
George W. Bush
Ronald Reagan
Barack Obama
John F. Kennedy

Ulysses S. Grant? Does she even know who he is? Because this is what he looked like in his heyday:

photo of ulysses s grant young pictures photos pics
Does she even know what she’s getting into there? And then, of course, you’ve got George Washington, which I suppose would be “hot” if you were into dudes that looked like your grandmother:

photo of george washington pics
Nope. Don’t get that one at all. Sorry, George.

I can understand (though I don’t agree with) Bill Clinton; there’s John F. Kennedy and Ronald Regan and Barack Obama who are definitely traditionally good looking, and I can even see George W – he seems like he’d be a decent lay – but the rest? Abraham Lincoln? Ulysses? Washington? I don’t know what I’m more repulsed by – that she chose these particular men, or the thought of her boning them.

In light of the holiday, who are Presidents that you’d f-ck? Would Ulysses S. Grant and George Washington appear on your list, too?

Are J Woww and Snooki Feminists?

photo of snooki and j woww hooking up pictures bisexual photos pics
I know – I just about died when I considered the notion, too, but after reading the interview they recently gave to our friends at the Huffington Post, I … well, read for yourself. Snooki and J Woww stopped by MTV studios in New York City earlier this week and talked about sexuality, Jersey Shore, and feminism, and how they claim it all goes together.

Snooki: I told her [J Woww] to run for president so that everyone [including same-sex couples] could get married. Because I certainly can’t [run for president.]

JWoww: I was really upset — that’s what I tweeted about. My friend couldn’t get married. He had to get a domestic partnership [at the time] and I was so pissed off about that. I was like, “I want to go to your wedding. You’re going to be my bridesmaid and I’m going to be your bridesmaid…”

Snooki: Is he going to wear a dress?

JWoww: I don’t know. I hope so. [Laughs]

Huff Po: You were both featured in one of MTV’s “Love Is Louder” videos which tackles the issue of bullying. In it you mentioned that you know what it’s like to be discriminated against. What were you referring to?

JWoww: We’re just very stereotyped. [Snooki was] bullied in high school and so was I.

Snooki: Yeah. And I’m probably the top celebrity that gets bullied today. I’m just different and everyone hates me for it.

JWoww: What we do on the show — people say we’re alcoholics. We get discriminated against for drinking. And we’re tan so now we’ve caused these tanning taxes and we’re getting a bad rap for tanning.

Snooki: People just take us too seriously.

HP: What’s the biggest misconception people have about you?

Snooki: That we’re stupid. We’re not stupid. We’re very smart, actually.

JWoww: That really gets under my skin. It’s like you don’t know me to judge me. We’re sorry we’re not walking on the shore with three-piece business suits or evening gowns.

HP: Do you read your own press?

Snooki: We have Google alerts!

HP: So do you take what people write about you seriously? Snooki, when people are writing about the pregnancy rumors, for instance, does it freak you out?

Snooki: No. I just like my name being in the news.

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Good Lord, Jenni Farley’s Boobs Took Over Maxim

photo of jenni farley cover of maxim hot boobs fake tits pics
This is what Jenni – AKA Jersey Shore‘s J Woww – had to say about her recent shoot with Maxim:

“I cried when I found out. I was jumping up and down and totally bugging out. This is probably my highest accomplishment.”

Hehe, right? Whatever. She is mildly hot. She is. She’s sort of attractive in that dirty, fake, swear-word-saying-in-public-places kind of way, and you’d never actually take her home to mom (or to your friends … or even your acquaintances), but UGH. This photo shoot does girlfriend positively no justice. I mean, her tits are all over the place, and I’m sure that’s what’s really important and not that the lighting makes her face look like something out of Michael Jackson’s House of Wax, but it’s really, really obvious that the photo editors didn’t even take notice that she was making faces in most of the photos like she had a pulmonary embolism.

But alright. I get it. You think she’s hot. She’s definitely seedy. She’d bend over an ashy pool table for you. That’s pretty super. … Just don’t let your friends see, dude. You’d never live it down.

Quotables: Style Icon Chloe Sevigny Disses Nicky Hilton; Also, Seems Kind of Obsessed with ‘Jersey Shore’

Photo: Chloe Sevigny works the catwalk at the Opening Ceremony Resort show

“I read somewhere that Abercrombie & Fitch offered to pay The Situation not to wear their clothes—but who am I to say who should be wearing mine? I do remember someone saying that… what’s Paris Hilton‘s sister called? Isn’t it Nicky or something? Anyway, she apparently talked to someone about my first collection, and was like, ‘I don’t get it.’ I was like, Good! I’m glad she doesn’t get it. It’s not for her. Besides, what’s there to get with clothes? So if Snooki wants to wear my clothes, go for it. I think she’d look a lot better in them.”

—the imperiously icy Chloë Sevigny, who has a new fashion line (via CeleBitchy). No, I know; I promise you’ll have a lot more fun with the quote if you read it to yourself in this voice.

But what is Chloë really trying to say here? Do I detect a barely-veiled attack on Nicky Hilton? Here, let me run that quote through my Mean Girl Translator. Ah, yes: Sevigny said, “I have been obsessed with Nicky Hilton ever since I overheard her complaining about the way I dress. Now I will pretend like I can’t even think of her name. Nicky? I’m sorry, Nicky Who?”

I see, too, that Chloë would be willing to selflessly sacrifice her style credibility if it only meant she could get Snooki out of that awful leopard print. Also, Chloë seems to know an awful lot about the Jersey Shore cast, don’t you think?

What else did Chloë say about Jersey Shore?

“I think it’s really depressing that people are propping these people up as celebrities. The way they behave is embarrassing, and I think it’s kind of diminishing our culture. Most reality TV people behave like pigs, and it’s unfortunate that they get put on pedestals for doing so.”

But! She also said,

“I have to admit, I do find that JWoWW sexy in a really weird way. It’s like that sexy, dirty kind of girl—not dirty, but like a hot mess. We’ve all gotten too drunk and acted crazy at parties, but I don’t maintain that and I’m kind of fascinated by those girls who do.”

Of course! The “Hot Mess” appeal, right. Don’t worry, Chloë, it’s OK to feel conflicted. I actually know exactly how you feel!

For instance, on the wall of my office, I have tacked up a Uniqlo poster* of Chloë—oh, what is she called? Chloë Sevigny or something? Yeah, her. I can’t explain it, but she is bizarrely magnetic. She acts like a total space alien. And I mean, I don’t maintain that, but I’m kind of fascinated by girls who do.

*I am really not kidding. She is posing fiercely with a comparatively complacent Tadanobu Asano, and something about the whole thing really tickles me. Oh, Chloë! So yeah, it’s very much on the wall in the other room.

Q: Is There a Way to Class Up Trash?

photo of jersey shore girls yrb pictures hot photos makeovers pics

A: In a word? NO.

But the Jersey Shore bitches are trying really, really hard in their shoot for YRB, which stars like Paris Hilton and Khloe Kardashian have graced the cover of. Yes indeedy, they’re truly giving it the old college try, whatever the eff that means.

Don’t get me wrong: they all look good. All of them, seriously. Even the trollish one who normally makes Snooki look like a frigging tall, willowy beauty pageant winner. It’s amazing, really.

Anyway. I’m going to leave this one up to you guys – the Jersey Shore gals: can you dress ‘em up and make them OK to look at for a few minutes without breaking out into hives and herpes-by-osmosis?

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Photos courtesy of TooFab

J Woww Fulfills Your Fantasies, Eats Pasta in Bed

photo of hot j woww jenni farley nudes pictures maxim eating pasta in bed pics

What, that’s not your fantasy? Pasta in bed? It’s definitely one of mine. I could eat pasta every damned day. And in bed, too. And I would, if I could do it without putting on, you know, fifty pounds because of it.

But alas, some bitches have all the luck. Like Jersey Shore‘s Jenni Farley, otherwise known as J Woww. (I can’t believe she’s still carrying around that stupid nickname. I mean, it’s ALMOST as stupid as Snooki.)

Anyway, Maxim photos of a scantily-clad J Woww eating pasta in bed. You’re welcome.

What’s your call: hot or trashy?