Please just tell me that. Because your very life could depend on it. I know, I know, Beyonce and Jay-Z aren’t photographed together all that often (the photo that you see above is from two years ago), but trust me, they are married. They’re even allegedly having or already had a baby together. Got it? Now remember it.

Because, not to freak you out or anything, because if you forget this vital little piece of celebrity gossip, you could end up stabbed. And shhh, nobody’s trying to scare you! It’s ok! You probably won’t get stabbed for not knowing every single little thing about popular singers and actors! But you might. Because some guy in Ohio actually did get stabbed because he wasn’t aware of the sacred union of Bey and Jay:

A fight over a music video led to a Garfield Heights man being stabbed outside a Parma apartment on New Year Eve.

Det. Marty Compton of the Parma Police Department tells Fox 8 News that Ronald Deaver, 31, of Parma, was arrested and charged with felonious assault for allegedly stabbing a 48-year-old Garfield Heights man following an argument.

Det. Compton says the fight began because the victim did not know that singer Beyonce’s husband is rapper Jay-Z.

An arrest report obtained by Fox 8 News states the alleged stabbing occurred around 11:00 p.m. on December 31, 2011, outside Deaver’s apartment on Broadview Road.

Det. Compton says authorities were called following the stabbing and the victim was taken to a local hospital. He was later transferred to MetroHealth Medical Center where he is currently listed in good condition.

Police attempted to locate Deaver at his apartment, but according to the report, a woman in the residence, Jennifer Fornari, 31, told officers that Deaver no longer lived there.

Deaver was located by police a short time later and Fornari was arrested on an obstructing justice charge.

Ok, so good news: this guy has been arrested. He’s off the streets, so you don’t have to live in fear that the next time you’re walking down the street with a friend who offers up some good gossip that you haven’t heard yet, you’re getting knifed. Bad news: who knows how many other people like this character, this Ronald Deaver, are out there? People take this kind of stuff very seriously, but hey, I guess I don’t need to tell you that now though, huh?

To keep you guys safe when you’re out there in the real world, I’ve compiled a short list of celebrity facts that you might want to memorize, just in case you’re ever in this situation. Read them closely, you guys, and if you ever feel like you’re in danger, don’t be afraid to shout “JUSTIN BIEBER HAS A FOOT FETISH, PLEASE DON’T KILL ME.” Who knows, it might save your life.

- Sarah Michelle Gellar used to be a competitive figure skater.

- Rosie Huntington-Whiteley grew up on a farm and used to shoot pheasants and bunny rabbits.

- Scarlett Johansson won an award for having the best boobs in Hollywood.

- Nicolas Cage has severe vertigo.

- Christina Aguilera was drunk when she recorded the album version of “Beautiful.”

- Avril Lavigne once called herself “a Sid Vicious for the new generation.”

- Sarah Jessica Parker acted in a production of The Sound of Music when she was little, along with four of her siblings.

Ok, that’s a start. Just get those in your mind, and stay alert, you guys.

So, right. Nothing’s been confirmed, but Twitter’s blowing up all over the place, which is, I’m sure, exactly what Beyonce wants, and of course, whatever makes Beyonce happy sets us free, right? Or is that Christina Aguilera? I don’t know. Who cares. All I know is that there’s this alleged newborn floating around New York City right now bearing the name Tiana May Carter, and she’s masquerading as the offspring of Beyonce and Jay-Z.

And remember how Beyonce’s fetus had its own Twitter account? Has that still been a thing up until now? Yeah. I just checked and it is. It was even tweeting yesterday, talking about getting its hair and makeup did, leaking bits and pieces of information like “It’s getting close” and “looking like a slip ‘n slide in here,” which is way, way more information than I really needed to know about the environment of Beyonce’s surrogate’s vaginal canal, you know? Then you have the classy tweets like “I kick so hard mothaf@**$rs wanna fine me.” That’s cute babyspeak right there, guys. Lastly, this Twitter account only reinforces the fact that Beyonce is full of shit, rather than full of a baby. Check out this tweet here:

“Wait a minute. Hold the phone. I might be popping out earlier than February 2012. You’ll know soon. Very soon.”

Know when it was issued? December 5th. So, what then, does Beyonce have a way premature baby on her hands, or were the best OB’s in the country OFF by eight or more weeks when estimating the kid’s due date? I mean, does that even happen?

Finally. If you believe that Beyonce actually carried this child and birthed this child and (gasp!) breastfed this child, then I have a really great bridge to sell you and, conveniently enough, it’s located not all that far from B and her baby in Brooklyn.

Well, if that fetus is a boy, I’d say there’s a pretty good shot that he’s going to look a little something like that picture above.

A forensic artist named Dr. D’Lynn Waldron made up this little image to show the world what she thinks the male spawn of Beyonce and Jay-Z will look like. Handsome little fella, right? Dr. Waldron imagines that the kid will have “father’s feature’s, mother’s eyes.”

Let’s take this a few steps further, shall we? I think this child will have the artistry and grace of Beyonce with the business sense and … um … another positive quality of Jay-Z. What do you wish for this child?

Image courtesy of TMZ

At last night’s VMAs, Beyonce showed up in a red muu muu, where her bump was undeniable. Even though everyone already knew she was pregnant the second she walked in the door, she took the announcement even further – she performed her single ‘Love on Top,’ and afterward, opened her sequined jacket and rubbed her baby bump while the crowd cheered and Jay-Z smiled hugely from the audience and I CRIED. Seriously, real tears. I know it’s an extreme thing, that a Beyonce-Jay-Z baby could move me to tears, but hey. Everybody’s got a chink in their armor and this one’s mine, I suppose. One way or the other, I dare you to watch the last thirty seconds of this video and *not* crack a smile.

Sources close to the couple say:

“They told friends in the last month. She’s never been happier. Seriously it’s all she’s been waiting for. And Jay is like an excited kid. They’re adorable.”

Yes, yes they are adorable. Congratulations, guys!

I don’t know about you guys, but these lists always intrigue the crap out of me. These celebrity “power couples,” as they’re often referred to, bring in, like, unbelievable wads of cash annually. Jaw-dropping amounts.

I mean, this kind of money is money that I can’t even fathom having, and the craziest part is that there are people out there – both single and partnered up – who earn, like, quadruple this.

Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady topped the list this year, bringing in just around $76 million bucks. And that’s just the reported income. You can’t tell me that there isn’t some under-the-table stuff going on somewhere there.

The rest of the list is as follows:

2. Jay-Z and Beyonce – $72 million

3. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – $50 million

Jump in for the rest of the list –

(more…)

This girl here? Is a big Beyonce fan. Not so much of her music – I never got into the whole hip-hop/club thing (or, you know, hip hop of any kind) – but Bey strikes me as a can-do type of girl, and she’s totally sweet and gorgeous and talented, too. In spite of her choice of musical genre, I can fully appreciate Beyonce Knowles, and EVEN look past that whole Destiny’s Child thing.  Nuts, right?

However, I’m not really digging the blonde. It’s too … I don’t know. It looks like something Nicki Minaj would try to pull off, poorly, and doesn’t really enhance the natural beauty that Beyonce’s clearly got.

Incidentally, I heard that B and Jay-Z are looking into a trial separation. Say it’s not fucking so, I know … MediaTakeout confirms that there’s a rift beginning between the two – over children and the lack thereof – and Jay-Z is moving to LA to lease a mansion, which he wants to fill up with kids. The sources say that Beyonce is nixing the idea, and still wants to focus on her career. She’ll be staying in New York.

I don’t know what to make of all this, guys. Beyonce hasn’t had an unflattering hair color since the late nineties, so this could actually be a sign of big things happening.