Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Heidi Montag

Just in Case You Forgot About Heidi and Spencer …

photo of heidi and spencer pratt pictures photos pics
Whew, time sure does fly, folks. Can you believe that it’s been three whole months since we last posted about Heidi Montag, and an entire four months since Spencer was mentioned on the site? That’s like a lifetime in Hollywood. That’s, like, an amount of time that can pass and people will plum FORGET about you.

… Can we do that again, please?

Heidi Montag Turns Twenty-Five, Various Heidi Montag Body Parts Turn Two

photo of heidi montag las vegas birthday pics pictures photos

Color me stupid, but I almost fell off my chair when I read that Heidi Montag is only twenty-five. She’s only twenty-five. That means she was practically a CHILD when she had all this crazy plastic surgery. Man, what a shame. What an even-more-of a shame.

Wow. So yeah, Heidi Montag turned twenty-five and celebrated her quarter-century on earth in Las Vegas, where she pretended it wasn’t difficult for her to stand up straight with those things while making eye contact with her “peers.”

In honor of Heidi’s 25th, I’ve compiled a gallery of photos from when she looked normal. Amazing, all that plastic surgery and it did nothing for the girl. Living proof here that some things really are just better left alone.

Spencer and Heidi Have Learned from Their Mistakes, Maybe

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt at PURE on October 30, 2010

Whoooaaaaa! Did you feel that? That was the Earth settling contentedly on its axis, as all the Cosmos shrug: Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are flat broke. Or at least, that’s what the couple reports in a piteous new interview.

But perhaps they are also a little older, a little wiser? Hmm.

Spencer illuminates how the couple blew their meager fortune:

My whole million-dollar wardrobe—I would never wear that again. They’re props. Everything we were doing, we were buying props. I bought a big blue monster truck just to drive it on The Hills for an episode. Never drove it again.

Yep. And by the way, said truck was sold last month, to the tune of… $5,500. Oh, boy. Now the couple is living rent-free in Spencer’s parents’ vacation house.

Heidi, duly wistful about her plastic surgeries:

Obviously I wish I didn’t do it. I would go back and not have any surgery. It doesn’t help. I got too caught up in Hollywood, being so into myself and my image. I don’t regret anything, but if I could go back, I wouldn’t do it.

Spencer, on the couple’s foolhardy pursuit of fame:

Everything we were doing, in retrospect, was a mistake. The second we continued on our quest for fame was a mistake. This isn’t a business. That was the big thing I didn’t get: Reality TV is not a career. Anyone who says, ‘Oh, you can have a career in reality’—that is a lie.

Ah, hubris! Thy name is Spencer:

What we learned is: You can be too famous.

NO, SPENCER, THAT IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT—oh, never mind. Sigh.

Hey Look, It’s Heidi Montag

recent picture of heidi montag plastic surgery pictures photos

So I don’t know if you guys heard or not, but Heidi Montag is supposed to be starring in a new reality show alongside The Bachelor‘s Jake Pavelka, the social (but way hotter) equivalent to Spencer Pratt. It’s supposed to be something about a bunch of tools opening a restaurant, but I have a feeling that it’s going to be way more than something that simple. You’ll all have to fill me in, because I’m certain I’m going to have better things to do – like re-oiling my dutch oven or something.

Check out Heidi in the gallery, and try to guess the ages of the various pieces of plastic that her body is comprised of. Maybe we can start our own catalog – now wouldn’t that be some real fun?!

Was Spencer Pratt ‘Critically Injured’ in a UK Hiking Incident?

picture of spencer pratt on a stretcher injured injuries photos

I know a lot of you are probably all like ‘Who the fuck cares?’ but I’m actually wondering if this is more of a publicity stunt than anything. A story came up in one of my RSS feeds today, claiming that Spencer Pratt was injured in a hiking accident in Wales this past week, and is in critical condition. The article alludes to head injuries, comas, and the possibility of death. It even shows a blurry photo of a man on a stretcher that may, or may not, be Spencer Pratt.

However? When I investigated this further – checked out some of the major newspapers in both the UK and the US, asked around to some of my sources, no other information came up. Like, at all.

The source of the story states that Pratt suffered severe injuries after a fall, and though he was found quickly, his condition remains very unstable. The report also insinuated that Heidi Montag fell, too, and was injured in the accident.

So, I don’t know. I guess I’m not going to hold my breath on this one, because it could pan out to be nothing more than a rumor, an elaborate scheme on Spencer and Heidi’s part to pull their names back into the spotlight, or the third option, that it’s true. I mean, bear in mind, today IS April Fool’s Day after all.

What do you guys think?

Heidi Montag Shows Off Her Horrible Plastic Surgery Scars in Life & Style

photo of heidi montag plastic surgery before and after pictures photographs

And from this photo,we’re supposed to feel all sorts of horrible for Heidi and her violently scarred and marred face and send gifts – in the form of traveler’s checks – to Heidi and Spencer’s compound in Costa Rica. Or, you know, send them even if you think Heidi and Spencer are complete shitbags anyway, because it’ll keep them occupied outside of US soil for a bit longer.

A year after her plastic surgery, Heidi has run out of money a feature story in Life & Style magazine, where she dishes on her mangled body including:

” … a series of unsightly scars, red inflammation and uneven body parts including: a 2-inch-long raised blemish under her chin from her chin reduction, two caterpillar-size bald spots along her hairline from a brow lift, a horrifying jagged line behind her ears from having her ears pinned back, lumpy legs and four spots left on her lower back and below the buttocks from botched liposuction, a bright-red mark inside her right nostril, uneven boobs, a stretched [sic] mark on her chest and deep scars around her nipples from a second boob job.”

So apparently it’s news that excessive plastic surgery = chronic suckitude. Guess I’ve been out of the loop on that one … how ’bout you guys?

Heidi? Spencer? I Hate You.

photo of spencer pratt and heidi montag kissing at the zoo pictures

I hate you for being the overexposed reality stars that you are (and yup, I’m totally aware that I only contribute to the absurdity by writing about you), I hate you for helping young adults to think that life on The Hills is what real life is actually like, and I hate the way that you so shamelessly fuck the media in public, and at every opportunity that you can muster.

This “divorce” that the two douche asses have been talking about as of late? Yeah, total confirmed BS obviously. Heidi and Spencer, famewhore and famewhorette respectively, were caught frenching at the Santa Barbara zoo yesterday for Heidi’s birthday. And, you know, if it were any other couple on the face of the earth (say like Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green) that were reconciling, I’d be like, “Aw, damn, see? True love always sometimes wins out — even in the face of alimony.” But no. Not these two. I actually hate the fact that they’re getting back together or “seeing each other,” or whatever other 7th grade status label they’re going to affix to their relationship for the public eye. Because that’s what it’s all for — the public eye. And I hate it. And I hate it most of all because it means that I’m probably going to continue writing about these two talentless schmoes until they finally do drop off of the radar, and thus continue to do my part in perpetuating the self-absorbed filth that they peddle.

This is very bad news for me, and for mankind in general.