Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Gisele Bundchen

Looking Good! Bitch!

Gisele Bundchen

Gah!  Why must supermodels look so fucking perfect even when they’re pregnant?  Where’s the acne?  Where’s the sagging rack?  Where’s the vomit?  Where’s the waddle?  My only solace is in knowing that she’s married to Buttchin Brady.

Gisele Bundchen was snapped confidently striding up and down the streets of Boston today.  While we’re at it, why is she even allowed within the state of Massachusetts?  Isn’t it enough that I have to suffer while my Joint Committee on State Administration and Regulatory Oversight is meeting today to consider naming the Fluffernutter as the state sandwich?  The Fluffernutter.  Not a lobster roll.  Not a turkey sandwich.  A Fluffernutter.  All this sandwich mayhem and I have to deal with Gisele Fucking Bundchen living here?  Hmm … I wonder if she’ll be at the Fluff Festival 2009 this weekend.

Tom And Gisele Sued Over Shotgun Wedding

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Two photogs who were at a post-wedding party of Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen have finally sent a gift along — a lawsuit.

Yuri Cotes and Rolando Aviles were pursued by the wedding couple’s security when they took unauthorized pictures of the party and then refused to turn over their cameras.  Talk about a loss of perspective — Tom and Gisele’s security guards shot at the paps’ car and allegedly came close to shooting them.  They shot guns over pictures and now the happy couple is being sued for $1M.

It takes some gall to crash a party and then sue that the conditions weren’t safe, but it seems so much more incredible that the security guards weren’t arrested for their irresponsible actions.  Let’s hope Tom keeps throwing TDs.  He’s gonna need that paycheck!

Tom Brady Confirms That Gisele Will Be Popping Out His Impossibly Good-Looking Baby Come December

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We’ve known for awhile now that Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen were expecting, but her due date has been up in the air. Yesterday, in an interview with SportsCenter, the Patriots’ quarterback revealed that his model wife will be giving birth in December. OK, so not an exact due date, but we’re getting closer to finding out when Brady will become a dad for the second time. Perhaps the Brady-Bündchen’s will have an extra special Christmas delivery?

While Brady has gotten a bad rap for his treatment of his other baby mama, Bridget Moynahan, it seems that he’s willing to suck it up this time and do the right thing by being there for his lady. Well, with one condition: “I told her no Sundays. It couldn’t be harder than training camp, so I’ll be prepared.”

Gisele Gets Instant Tummy Tuck

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Gisele Bundchen is the new face (abdomen?) of London Fog’s 2009 Fall campaign.  Obviously LF is trying to sex their image up, which is a refreshing departure from their atrocious winter coats that I used to receive as a Christmas gift every year when I was a child.  I can’t tell you how much those things cost me in therapy sessions.

Anyway, Gisele is pregnant so the LF people were kind enough to give her a little Photoshop enhancing to make her look as svelte as ever.  Sadly, Gisele’s “baby bump” is the average woman’s seemingly unattainable goal.

Quotables

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“I am crazy about children … I am an adoptive mother … I’ve already had this experience for two years,”

Gisele Bundchen, on a Brazilian television show talking about how prepared she is for motherhood.  Oh.  My.  God.  Can someone please explain to Gisele that she’s married to a guy who has a kid with another woman.  She’s not his (John Edward Thomas’) mother, she’s not his adoptive mother unless some legal transaction has occurred that we don’t know about.  She is a stepmother.

I’m a firm believer in “It takes a village,” but to call yourself the adoptive or biological mother of another woman’s child — a woman who is active in the raising of that child — is beyond disrespectful.

Gisele Bundchen is Pregnant

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People magazine confirms that the leggy baby snatcher will be spawning one of the world’s most genetically perfect progeny with football star Tom Brady. The child is due sometime “early next year” which most likely means January or February.

“Family is everything,” Bündchen, who turns 29 next month, told PEOPLE last month. “I think family is the base to everything. I think that is one of the things I’m most grateful for. I have a lot to be grateful for but I think that’s definitely number one.”

And the stuff that comes out of her mouth is definitely number two. As little as two weeks ago, Giselle and Tom were denying that she was pregnant. But really, we all knew what was up when she was spotted chowing down in a Five Guys hamburger joint last week.

Bitch Needs to Eat a Hamburger

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This post is for all of you who’ve ever uttered that phrase.

Here are some pictures of Gisele Bundchen “eating” at a Five Guys. I don’t believe it though. In the one picture that should show her eating, there is a sign conveniently covering the place where the hamburger should be. Even money she’s really holding a radish.

The staff of Five Guys reported hearing gagging noises coming from the bathroom after Bundchen entered, but later discovered several issues of People magazine in the stall and concluded that the model became severely nauseated after reading her own interviews.