I said “of course” like that because this is completely magical news, and it’s only to be expected after how completely magical this whole month has been. Have you guys been feeling it? Think about it: this month we’ve gotten a slew of nudie pics from some ridiculously gorgeous women (and Lindsay Lohan!), we gotten into the holiday spirit, thanks to Courtney Stodden, and also, I’m getting married, you guys! I would say that he liked it, so he put a ring on it, but it’s not 2008 and I’m not That Girl. But it’s been such a good month, hasn’t it?
But this isn’t about me right now. This is about the beautiful Dolly Parton and her plans to pen an autobiographical musical for Broadway. She actually says that she’s in the process of writing the show right now, but that she probably won’t be acting in it when it hits Broadway. However, she did say that she’d “find a way to introduce it somehow, maybe the older me.” You just can’t keep Dolly Parton off a stage, you know.
For those of you lucky enough to have experienced the glory of Dollywood, this sounds a lot like Heartsong, doesn’t it? I wonder if you’ll get splashed with water or if leaves will fall as it turns autumn in the Great Smoky Mountains? My fingers are definitely crossed.
You know, that movie with Dolly Parton and Queen Latifah that I told you about over a year ago? The one where these two ladies have to save that gospel choir? The one that I’m insanely, ridiculously excited about?
So should I be seeing you down at the movie theater or what?
I didn’t. My boyfriend is really good about my trashy TV addiction – he watches Bridezillas marathons with me and makes jokes, ok, I really can’t complain – but he draws the line at Toddlers and Tiaras. Something about exploiting children or whatever. And usually that’s fine, I understand, but it hurt this week when I saw clips. For one, this week’s episode featured a little 4-year-old girl dressed as one of my idols, Dolly Parton. And for two, it took place in my very own hometown.
Sure, this little girl’s mom actually put some padded boobs and a padded ass on her child. But hey, it’s what she used to wear when she was a little girl in pageants, it’s family tradition! Some people might say that this is horrible parenting, or shady parenting at the very best. But I say “nay!”* As a product of the same environment**, I completely understand the cultural ties to the legendary Dolly Parton, and furthermore, I wish that I had been afforded the same opportunity***!
What did you guys think about this week’s episode?
*I don’t, you guys. That’s sarcasm.
**Yes, this hurt to write.
***I do not wish that. The head lice and my first period were enough to scar my childhood.
“I think I became more productive through not having children. I never really had the desire to have them. My husband didn’t want them either, so it worked out well. … I’ve never been pregnant, so I just feel God didn’t mean for me to have kids, so that everybody else’s children could be mine. But if I had had them, I think I’d have been a devoted mother. My songs are like my children – I expect them to support me when I’m old!”
Well, in the 70′s. Somebody left a baby named Jolene in a box on Dolly Parton‘s doorstep in the 70′s. Which, personally, makes it about a zillion times more acceptable*. People were crazy back then, I hear.
“Years ago, when I first started being a big star, I had fans that were fanatical. It was when ‘Jolene’ was a big hit,” said Parton.
“We came home one day and there was a baby in a box at our gate with a note in it. The note said, ‘My name is Jolene, my momma has left me here and she wants you to have me’. Of course, we all freaked out!”
“It wasn’t like it was a kitten or a puppy dog. It was a baby named Jolene!”
Parton, who is due to play in Chicago on Thursday, said she contacted Human Services about the abandoned child and never knew what happened after authorities took the youngster away.
Really though, how flawless is Dolly Parton? I’ve always thought that, and now it turns out that she helped rescue poor little girls named Jolene in the 70′s. What can’t Dolly do? Where’s Dolly’s comic book?
*I’m kidding, of course. Don’t leave babies on doorsteps anytime.
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