14COURTNEY STODDEN BOUGHT NEW SHOES.

Oh man. The shoes. The new shoes. Guys, they’re not any better than the old shoes (well, except for the fact that you can’t see her gnarled-up toes or the spray tan stains on the clear areas of the straps), and quite frankly, I don’t even understand these shoes. This particular style of shoe isn’t even comprehensible as a joke, let alone a “Hey, I’mma seriously wear these and YOU TAKE ME SERIOUS OR ELSE.”

I’m torn, friends. I don’t know if I should give the girl a hearty pat on the back for finally girling up and buying a pair of shoes that actually conceal the feet, or if I should give the girl a hearty pat on the back of the head for possibly going from bad to worse.

Decisions, decisions.

December 7, 2012 at 3:30 pm by Sarah

9Guess Courtney Stodden Didn’t Get Rid of Those Shoes After All. Huh.

Ugh. Is it me or does Doug Hutchison just get nastier-looking and nastier-looking as the days go by? Because man. He does.

This is Courtney Stodden, wearing the original ho shoes (and matching plastic ho bra!) to an event for ‘Muay Thai in America: In Honor of the King’, which was some kind of mixed martial arts event held in Los Angeles over the weekend.

Here’s another view of just Courtney—you don’t have Doug’s nastiness to detract from the full effect of Courtney’s lovely ensemble:

And OK, fine, one more for posterity (and because it’s the best of all):

I think, in this one, if you look closely enough you might actually see what Courtney had for dinner. I could be wrong, but I somehow doubt it.

Yeah, girl.

December 3, 2012 at 10:30 am by Sarah

1Courtney Stodden’s Mom Would Be, Like, Devastated if Courtney Ever Did Porn

Which I, like, totally don’t understand, considering Courtney’s mother herself practically sold Courtney to Doug Hutchison for a song and a pair of shitty Lucite heels. Which were regifted.

On the most recent episode of ‘Couples Therapy’, Courtney’s mom, Krista, was interviewed, and she talked all about Courtney and Doug and (more Doug) and opportunities for Courtney to get naked and/or f-cked for cash down the road, and she all but broke down in dollar signs tears. This is what Krista had to say:

“I do not ever want to see her do, like, pornography. I would be so heartbroken and so upset at that. … I [also] don’t want people seeing her with no clothes on, I’m a mother!”

Courtney, however, had this to say about showing her nips off for public consumption:

“I feel, like, if something is tastefully done, in black or white, or you know, you’re doing something that you would normally do or naturally do when you’re in the nude [Ed. Note: you mean like sex, Courtney? Sex? I mean, sex is done naturally when you're in the nude, and hell, sometimes you don't even need to be completely nude in order to have sex], that could be classy and tastefully done, um …”

And then Courtney trailed off, making just as less sense as ever.

But hey. Would you pay to see Courtney nude? I guess that’s the biggest question here, guys, would you do it?

November 30, 2012 at 10:30 am by Sarah

12Because I Know You’re Wondering What Courtney Stodden Did for Thanksgiving

And if you thought she might have maybe, I don’t know, done something totally crazy like eat turkey on a holiday where turkey is traditionally consumed, you’d be dead wrong. Because that photo up there? Well it was specifically for PETA’s “Eat No Turkey” campaign. And that’s what Courtney Stodden did this Thanksgiving, you guys. In those heels.

Were your Thanksgivings anything like Courtney’s? Did you spit in PETA’s eye and eat turkey? Did you hop on board the no-turkey train? Or did you just wear the heels in all of your holiday preparation?

November 23, 2012 at 6:30 am by Sarah

6Courtney Stodden’s Mom Tells Us Why Courtney Stodden’s the Way She Is

Here’s a hint: it has nothing to do with this woman’s job as a parent, and everything to do with stripper heels and God-given desires that Courtney just can’t suppress.

Also, Courtney’s mother allowed Doug Hutchison to marry her then-underage daughter because she knew that Doug Hutchison would be able to “handle” her daughter, and I don’t know if that means Courtney’s mother thought it’d be OK to push the child-rearing responsibilities onto someone who had a weird, sick attraction to a young girl who was barely out of puberty to lessen the load on her own shoulders, but that’s what happened there. Courtney’s mom needed a real man to handle her young daughter, and that’s just what she got.

Don’t be mistaken, though—Courtney was the one pursuing Doug, however, and according to her mother, whatever Courtney wants, Courtney gets. She also makes mention of the fact that the blossoming relationship was a “beautiful” thing to watch, and she has never regretted allowing the fifty-some year-old man to marry her daughter to this day.

Also, if you watch this video, you’ll hear it straight from the horse’s mouth that Doug is also a “fabulous man” who has enviable qualities, qualities that she, herself, would love to find in a man, and that’s coming directly from the mouth of a woman whose husband left her just weeks ago.

… Gee, I wonder why.

What a messed up bunch of birds, right?

November 16, 2012 at 12:30 pm by Sarah

2Courtney Stodden Isn’t Stripping Anymore Because She’s Just Too Much to Handle

I know, I know. Hush, baby birds. It’s ok. I know that Thanksgiving was ruined when we learned that Courtney Stodden wouldn’t be stripping on Thanksgiving Eve. I know how bad that hurt. And the fact that we didn’t get an explanation hurt just as bad, didn’t it? I’m so sorry. I wish I could shield you from all the pain in the world, but I can’t.

However, I can finally give you an explanation for Courtney’s sudden cancellation. Or, well, a few explanations.

Here’s the short and sweet statement from the club itself:

“Her management approached the Abbey but ultimately she just wasn’t a fit.”

And here’s the explanation from Courtney’s mom:

“It was too much for the Abbey to handle, too much press and controversy. Courtney’s not disappointed. She rolls with the punches.”

And finally, here’s the statement from Courtney’s rep about the owners of the club, SBE:

“The reasons for the cancellation provided by SBE are a mystery to us and based on fear, in our opinion. It is most unfortunate that a venue such as the SBE-controlled Abbey needs to approve and censor performers that audiences want to see, and would not be able to control the crowds and paparazzi anxious to see Courtney’s show. Courtney Stodden has a huge gay fan base and truly loves and adores everyone in the community. At this time, Courtney is heartbroken and we are currently seeking alternate opportunities for Courtney to make her debut club performance in West Hollywood.”

So there you go. Courtney is either rolling with the punches or she’s heartbroken, but either way, a Courtney Stodden performance is going to happen. So get ready again, friends. Get them hopes up. Because when you’re Courtney Stodden, nothing can keep you down.

November 16, 2012 at 5:30 am by Emily