8Beyonce Tries To Be Replaceable

Beyonce is in Austria and has already pissed off the people there.  Yesterday she was scheduled to attend a specially arranged tour of the famed Albertine museum.  Instead, she sent a look-alike to appear and pose with the director of the museum so that Beyonce could go shopping instead.

The museum spokesperson, Verena Dahlitz, summed it up like this:  “What a cheek.  We were a little doubtful yesterday, but weren’t really sure. It could have been her.”

What the people at Albertine don’t know is that the impostor was Sasha Fierce.  Duh.

In more Viennese hijinks, Beyonce’s concert was only half-full and received lots of mixed reviews.

UPDATE:  Another hoax story!  This is the second one in, like, the past week.  Listen, guys.  I think this is God’s way of telling me that I’m not supposed to be writing about Beyonce.  Though I am happy to report that the part about her bad reviews and half-full arenas-totally true!

Thanks to our friends at Celebitchy for straightening all this Beyonce madness out!

I’d written this whole article about how ungracious Beyonce was being, which I’m sure some other sites will be doing as well in the next day. Luckily, Celebitchy’s husband – who’s German – offered to read a few of the articles and translate, and the English articles got the story entirely wrong. What actually happened is that radio station Krone-Hit arranged the museum visit as a prank on the museum without Beyonce’s knowledge. Presumably they were acting as though they were Beyonce’s representatives. Then they sent the Beyonce double to the museum. Who, from the picture, isn’t that great a doppelganger – she has a much smaller frame, and even with sunglasses you can tell the face isn’t all that similar. She looks a lot more like Leona Lewis than Beyonce in my opinion.

The museum employees became suspicious because the faux-Beyonce avoided eye contact with the director and was behaving oddly. The radio station has YouTube video up (it’s in German) but according to Celebitchy they’re still not admitting it isn’t her, though it’s obvious to anyone with semi-vision. The woman shows up in a limo that has a picture of Beyonce on the window and bodyguards surrounding it to give the impression that it’s her.

Beyonce and the museum were just the victims of a stupid prank. The problem is that it seriously wasted the gallery’s time, and it may very well become a PR issue for Beyonce. I’m fairly certain most sites don’t have the advantage of a German translator at the ready and will have to assume that Yahoo’s story is accurate. But to be clear, Beyonce appears to have had absolutely nothing to do with it. The only thing that was correct about the article was that her concert got some pretty bad reviews.

April 30, 2009 at 5:27 am by Wendie

50Who Looked Hotter? Beyonce vs. Ali Larter

Co-stars Beyonce and Ali Larter went for very different (although, IMHO, equally ridiculous) looks at the NYC premiere of Obsessed.

Who looked better, kids?

April 24, 2009 at 8:45 am by Evil Beet

18Much To My Dismay, It Was A Hoax

As much distaste as I may personally feel for Beyonce, and I feel a lot, fairness and truth must prevail.  So, in said fairness, I sadly report that this board mix recording of Beyonce performing on Today was apparently altered by someone who hates Beyonce as much as I do.

Beyonce has officially been cleared of all bad singing charges — the atrocious supposed “board mix” of her performance on “The Today Show” last year was altered after all.

Just as Mathew Knowles told us, the audio clip that many people believed was leaked from “Today” was indeed a fake.

In fact, TMZ found the person behind the prank who was surprised it went as far as it did, saying, “It’s a little bit crazy. No one in their right mind would sound like that, and no one would cheer for someone singing like that.”

Oh, those twits at TMZ seemed so confident in their source!  I trusted and now I must live with the devastation that she didn’t actually sound like she was stuck under the wheels of an SUV.

People, this is not the way to start my day.  Hold me.

April 23, 2009 at 4:14 am by Wendie

55I’m Having An “I Told You So” Moment

Friends, I realize that I have a lot of  “I told you so” moments.  So, the next time one of my statements or predictions prove true, I won’t get all obnoxious extolling my amazing talent of perception.  Unless it’s when Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake break up.  Or J. Lo and Skeletor.  Or when the world learns what I’ve always known:  Beyonce can’t sing.  Oh, and how that moment is here.

Howard Stern got hold of a copy of Beyonce’s board mix when she performed If I Were A Boy last year on the Today Show.  Basically, when singers perform on shows, they usually lip-synch to a recorded track so that they sound perfect.  Often, they will actually sing along to their recorded track but the audience won’t hear that.  So, this is a recording of the uber-talent’s actual singing voice.  Please listen and continue to tell me how talented she is.

I sounded more melodious when I was unmedicated and pushing a human being out of my loins.  Someone, give me a Grammy!

April 22, 2009 at 7:50 am by Wendie

9He Still Hasn’t Put a Ring On It, So the Beyonce Dance Continues

In London’s Piccaddilly Circus this week, 100 woman flash-mobbed the square to “celebrate” (read: “promote”) London’s free Beyonce concert in November, sponsored by Trident. Yeah, that’s right, the gum. The packets of gum all have barcodes on them, and a limited number of the barcodes grant you access to the Beyonce show. So it’s kind of like Willy Wonka except with considerably fewer Oompa Loompas but probably a lot more aerial work. (I’m gonna go ahead and call the chocolate ratio a tie.)

I feel like I’ve watched people do this dance on YouTube clips with such regularity that I might just spring up out of bed one night and start doing it, nailing all the moves perfectly. I’ve never studied dance, but I’m pretty sure I could at least test into some masters-level courses in tap and ballet with the sheer amount of exposure I’ve had to the Single Ladies dance. You think I’m kidding? Once when I was 13, Juilliard offered me a full scholarship to their dance program when they saw me do the Achy Breaky Heart dance at a Bat Mitzvah. (I politely declined; I knew another young woman was waiting in the wings to build an ill-deserved career on Billy Ray Cyrus’s name. You’re welcome, Miley.)

Thanks Anthony!

April 22, 2009 at 12:22 am by Evil Beet

5Today In Backpedal

Ugh.  I was really hoping this wouldn’t happen.  Etta James issued a sorta apology for the comments she made about Beyonce.

James told the New York Daily News, “I didn’t really mean anything.  Even as a little child, I’ve always had that comedian kind of attitude…That’s probably what went into it.  Nobody was getting mad at me in Seattle.  They were all laughing, and it was funny.”   She shared that her pre-song commentary didn’t come “from a vicious place” and also that she wasn’t too concerned about offending President Obama.  “He’s got other stuff [to worry about] besides Etta James.”

When asked if she felt that she would have performed “At Last” better than Beyonce, she did reply, “I think so. That’s a shame to say that.”

Thanks Etta.  Thanks for letting your publicist get the better of you and for giving in to the pressure of making a retraction.  Thanks for stripping away the biggest joy I’ve felt since Mischa’s last DUI.  Just, thanks.

February 6, 2009 at 4:29 am by Wendie