Not to be harsh, but after that catastrophe that was Country Strong, I don’t think Gwyneth Paltrow needs to ever sing and dance again: not in the shower, not in her bedroom, not in a bar, not ever. And certainly not in a film that millions and millions of people will see. Just in case you’ve forgotten what Gwyneth Paltrow, The Singer is like, let me refresh your memory:
Do you see what I mean when I say that she needs to give this up forever? Yes? Then you should be able to feel my pain when I tell you that this is exactly what she’s not doing. What she is doing, though, is starring in a movie with Beyonce, Cameron Diaz, and Reese Witherspoon about old lady singers from the 1990′s who are sad that no one wants to listen to their music anymore. Really.
In a seven-figure preemptive deal, Sony Pictures is collaborating with Ryan Murphy on One Hit Wonders, a musical comedy pitch that will be written as a star vehicle for Gwyneth Paltrow, Reese Witherspoon, Cameron Diaz, Beyonce and Andy Samberg.
Murphy is attached to direct, and he will write the script with his Gleecohorts Brad Falchuk and Ian Brennan. Murphy will produce with Paltrow (who has practically become aGlee cast member) and the latter makes her debut as a producer on this film. Murphy hopes to direct it after he completes The Normal Heart.
Paltrow, Witherspoon and Diaz will play three singers who each scored a top hit song in the 1990s before watching their careers go down the drain. They decide to form a super group. Samberg and his Lonely Island cohorts will be involved in generating music for the film, I’m told. The project came out of a dinner Murphy had at the Soho House with Paltrow, Diaz and Witherspoon. They wanted to do something fun together and kicked around ideas until they settled on One Hit Wonders. Murphy, who made Eat Pray Love with Sony Pictures chief Amy Pascal, took the pitch to her. Pascal bought it 10 minutes in. They are working the deals right now.
I’ve never liked Gwyneth Paltrow, obviously, and I’m kind of over Beyonce at the moment. I’m pretty indifferent to Cameron Diaz, and I guess I like Reese Witherspoon ok. Despite all that, am I going to go see this movie? Yes. Hell yes. I mean, the music is going to be done by The Lonely Island, the boys who wrote such beautiful songs as “The Creep” and “I Just Had Sex.” And the Gwyneth Paltrow is going to be singing those songs. And then I get to see it and laugh forever. I think it would be worth the pain, just for those giggles.
Would anyone else be interested in seeing this film?
February 29, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Emily
Is there anything that Gwyneth Paltrow can’t do? Really, I’m not trying to be a smart ass here or anything, I’m just wondering if anyone knows of one thing that Gwyneth Paltrow cannot do, because I’m having a hard time. She can sing and dance, she can save your relationship, and she can pull off a formal cape. Oh, and she can also predict the future, because she’s already claiming to know all that lies ahead for Beyonce‘s little bundle of joy, Blue Ivy.
From Us Weekly:
She’s only seven-weeks-old, but BlueIvyCarter is destined to become a star like her parents BeyonceKnowles and Jay-Z.
“She is going to be an entertainer,” Gwyneth Paltrow, 39, explained to Hollywood Life at the Governor’s Ball Sunday. “She just has this glow around her like her mother.”
Paltrow has been close pals with the hip-hop power couple for more than a decade. “Beyonce is doing great,” Paltrow said of the first-time mom, who welcomed Blue Ivy in New York City on January 7. “She’s just a natural at being a mom.”
As for Blue Ivy? “She’s stunning,” Paltrow gushed. “She has the most beautiful eyes.”
I don’t know, you guys, I kind of have some doubts with this one, mostly because every time I’ve hung out with a person who happened to be seven weeks old, my thoughts were more along the lines of “why are you making that weird face, is it because you’re pooping?” and “man, remember when you had that umbilical cord thing or whatever hanging off your tummy? Weird.” I don’t think I’ve ever predicted a child’s future career before, say, a few months.
See? Isn’t that definitely a cute little bitty baby and not at all a wad of clothes jammed under a blanket? PRECIOUS!
February 29, 2012 at 5:30 am by Emily
I know, I know; we need to stop riding the Beyonce Baby Train someday, but guys, today is just not the day, OK?
I happened across some photos that were taken just last night, at the New Jersey Nets basketball game, where Jay and B were photographed in attendance looking … well, looking like they don’t have a newborn at home and like Beyonce never even heard of a little something called “Braxton-Hicks.” (Ask her – trick question. Bet she gets it wrong.)
I mean, I’m glad you’re still rocking the blue nail polish and what not, girl, but I’m sorry. No amount of nail polish is going to convince me that you didn’t just formally adopt your sister’s surrogate or whatever it was you did.
But wait! – before we go full-snark here (I know; I laughed mirthlessly at that, too), the Daily Mail has An Explanation as to Why Beyonce’s So Fit Already:
She [Beyonce] was said to have gained 40lbs when pregnant with her daughter Blue Ivy, but appears to have shed any excess weight in record time.
Beyonce reportedly moved her personal trainer, Marco Borges, into her home following the birth and has been rising at 5am for a cardio session while doing high intensity training on the treadmill later in the day followed by a total body circuit including lunges and squats.
So, DUH. Beyonce’s post-baby weight loss is totally and completely legit, and it has absolutely nothing at all to do with stopping anabolic steroids before the facial hair really started to get thick. I mean, come on. How could you even think otherwise?
February 21, 2012 at 5:30 am by Sarah
Yesterday evening, Beyonce and Jay-Z did a really surprising thing: they posted pictures of their little bundle of joy, Blue Ivy, on Jay-Z’s site. I say it’s surprising because wouldn’t it make sense that a baby who gets diamond earrings and platinum bracelets would get a glamorous photo shoot in Vogue or something? It caught me a little off guard that the pictures were just posted online. What’s way more surprising though is that we’re seeing little Blue at all. For a couple as private as Beyonce and Jay-Z, and for all the rumors of surrogacy that have been going around, you’d think that it would be a good long while before we’d see any pictures at all. Not so much, I guess.
But hey, is this baby gorgeous or what? I mean, I’m one of those people who think babies are precious and adorable always, but this baby is just beautiful. I’m pretty sure it’s the hair. But her little hands and her little nose and her little baby lips! Babies, you guys! Can you even stand it?!
There’s already a lot of talk surrounding these photos: some people say the baby looks like Jay-Z and not Beyonce at all, some people say the baby doesn’t look like either of them, some people say that the baby doesn’t look to be the right age. Some people are saying that some of the pictures look Photoshopped, and some people are saying that Beyonce’s perfect hair post-delivery is a little suspect. Basically, people are saying a lot of things.
What do you guys think about the pictures? Where do you stand on the surrogacy situation, or do you even care anymore now that you’ve seen this beautiful baby? Oh, and speaking of caring, Mariah Carey didn’t want to be outdone by these long-awaited baby pictures, so she went ahead and posted a really good one of Dem Babies a couple minutes after we were introduced to Blue Ivy:
February 11, 2012 at 7:00 am by Emily
Honestly, would you expect anything else? And truly, if this set of photos does not completely convince you that the womb of Beyonce has never been tainted by a common baby, then I don’t know what to tell you.
On the flip side, if you’re one of the few who actually do believe that Beyonce both carried – and birthed! – her own child, then you shouldn’t be surprised by this news, either. Beyonce and Jay-Z have six nannies on hand. Six nannies. For one child. I’d say that probably gives a more than sufficient amount of time to work out in your own personal gym pretty much, you know, 23 and-a-half hours out of the day over these last four weeks.
Yes, this is what Beyonce looks a short four weeks after giving birth, and it lends a whole lot of credence to the rumors that she took Prednisone, a steroid that has side-effects like facial swelling and weight gain, both of which were witnessed at only the very end of B’s pregnancy. The funny thing about Prednisone (my brother used to take it when he was a little kid; he had some health issues of his own) is that once you stop taking it, the facial swelling and weight gain goes away almost immediately – especially if you haven’t been taking it long-term.
The Beyonce photos were captured while she attended her husband’s show at Carnegie Hall in New York City, where he performed ‘Glory’, the song he wrote for his daughter, for the first time. Here’s a clip:
Get More: Music News
Sources close to Jay-Z say that after the reportedly-exhausting show, Beyonce and the hubs snacked out on celery and champagne, so maybe it isn’t all a loss, Beyonce stopping that Prednisone or hot wings or whatever it actually was. The health benefits of this child being in their lives are, by far, heavily outweighing the idea that Beyonce probably didn’t give birth to that child, and that’s good. Because when two people who can afford to bedazzle their baby’s bottles and provide them with round-the-clock nanny care in sets of three, it’s refreshing to see that their tastes wander to the conventional, and the healthy, too. You know?
February 7, 2012 at 6:30 am by Sarah
Man, I wish I had a baby. That child would have the best accessories. I’d spring for that BeDazzler down at the Salvation Army that I’ve had my eye on and I’d finally go pick up my sewing machine and my hot glue gun from my dad’s. I’d get the biggest tube of Tacky Glue the Walmart has in stock, and I’d be sure to get every color of puffy paint I could find. I would go wild. My baby would have tie dyed cloth diapers and rhinestone covered onesies. There’s even a solid chance that I would put those spinning rims on the stroller.
But see, I don’t have a baby, so I can’t do any of these things. And while that breaks my heart, I have to look on the positive side. And that positive side is that Beyonce does have a baby, and she is doing these things, only on a much grander, more Beyonce-like scale.
From In Touch via Celebitchy:
Beyonce isn’t leaving anything to chance when it comes to the welfare of her firthborn child. According to a friend, the new mom has two nannies on call at all times, which makes for a total of six nannies for little Blue Ivy Carter.
“Beyonce wanted to make sure that her daughter has the best of care,” a friend of the singer tells In Touch. “Her diaper is changed every hour.”
And proud papa Jay-Z, 42, is also lavishing attention on the newborn – by way of bling.
“Jay-Z bought her diamond earrings and a platinum baby bracelet,” reveals the friend. “Even her bottle has pink sapphires on it.”
A little over the top perhaps, but what can you expect from the couple who reportedly spent $1.3 million to bullet-proof the delivery room!
There are so many things to talk about, so let’s just break it down, section by section, ok?
- Why would you even need six nannies? That doesn’t make any sense. Even if you could afford it, why would you need two other people there at all times to take care of your baby? Parents, if you could afford it, would you even want this amount of help?
- How do you guys feel about babies with pierced ears? I don’t really care for it, because, come on, it’s a baby, and there are probably other things on a baby’s mind besides jewelry. Also, they cry and it makes me sad.
- A platinum baby bracelet? For real? They might as well just call it a platinum chew toy, because a baby isn’t going to appreciate anything about that bracelet besides sticking it right inside her mouth.
- Their baby bottles have pink sapphires on them. Could you even imagine? What are they going to do with the bottles after the baby doesn’t need them anymore? How many needlessly extravagant things can one baby have?
- Why do I keep discussing Beyonce and Jay-Z like they’re normal people with reasonable ideas about money?
What do you guys think? Do these guys sound like good parents so far? Would you want to be little Blue Ivy? Don’t you think that alternating rows of pink sapphire, aquamarine, and pearl would be so much cuter?