Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Beyonce Does Not—DOES NOT—Want to Be Kim Kardashian’s Friend

photo of beyonce pictures tumblr personal photos pics
Come on, now, are you surprised?

From Heat World:

“Despite Kanye being one of Jay’s closest friends, Beyoncé wasted no time in banning Kim from being invited into their circle, which is exclusive to say the least,” a friend of Bey’s tells heat. “Beyoncé is used to hanging out with Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow – she’s in a totally different league to Kim.”

It’s bad news for Kim who is big fan of the pop diva, as she was hoping for lots of girlie bonding sessions with Beyonce.

“Kim had visions of her and Beyoncé hanging out while Jay and Kanye talked music and business,” heat’s source reveals, “but it’s not going to happen.”

It looks like Reality star Kim’s tell-all lifestyle clashes with the ultra-private Beyonce’s – who closely guards details of her own private life.

“Bey’s marriage to Jay-Z was extremely private, and neither of them confirmed it until long after the event. Kim, on the other hand, turned her wedding into a media circus and the whole thing was filmed for a Reality show. Bey thought that it was really tacky and is not a fan of Reality TV, either.”

It just goes to show—no matter how much money you have, who you have under your thumb, how pretty you are, and even, f-ck, how many times you’ve been peed on for public consumption—money can’t buy class, and nor can it buy the friendship of people who possess said class.

Thing is, Kanye and Jay-Z are, like, the most epic of friends, supposedly. Don’t you think that Kanye dating Kim is going to drive a wedge between … well, it’s going to drive a wedge between someone(s), because if Kanye can’t bring Kim around Jay-Z and Beyonce because Beyonce knows what’s up, then Kim’s going to feel all awkward and shunned, and Kanye’s going to go on an ALL CAPS RANT, and shit’s going to blow up between him and Jay-Z, and then Jay might get upset with Beyonce ’cause she can’t get along with dirty hos. Man, the drama.

At any rate, if this is all true, it’s really good to know that even though there are people who idolize the Kardashians for whatever reason, that there are just as many “important” people out there who don’t think they’re worth a bucket of cold piss. No pun intended.

Love It or Leave It: Beyonce’s Post-Baby Fashion

A photo of Beyonce

Oh my goodness, you guys. When Beyonce gave birth to Blue Ivy (or removed her baby bump-shaped pillow from under her shirt and picked Blue up from the hospital, whichever), did her fashion sense go with her? Because this woman has been looking rough these past few months. I’m not talking about her body either: I’m talking about the clothes that she chooses to put on her body. They are awful.

Look at those pants. Look at those plants and tell me why they exist. Or, ok, I can see why they exist, but explain to me why Beyonce wore them out in public to a Knicks game instead of at home to go to bed. And why is she insisting on wearing that hat and sunglasses combo? One time could be cute and quirky, but if it’s going to become a habit, then I revoke my support immediately. And those shoes. I actually had to zoom in on her feet to see that the tips are pink and the sides are clear and she’s not just wearing ridiculously narrow heels. If you know how much feet gross me out, then you know that I’m dedicated to this cause. It’s the cause of revealing Beyonce’s offensive fashion choices and persuading her to seek help in the future. It’s very near and dear to my heart.

One last thing: I think I saw those pants in a JC Penney catalog at my grandma’s house in 1997. And I think she circled them with a highlighter.

A photo of Beyonce

But what do you think?

Is This the Body of a Woman Who Gave Birth 3 Months Ago?

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No, I’m being serious: could this be the body of a woman who actually, really, did give birth three months ago? Because Beyonce … well, she kind of looks like someone who gave birth three months ago. No joke, this is kind of what I look like at this point in time, and I gave birth almost two months ago. Could it be true? Could Beyonce really have been pregnant? I mean, pregnant with an actual baby, that is?

These photos were taken in St. Bart’s this past weekend, where Beyonce and Jay-Z are holidaying, and it’s nice to see them so low-key, so non-blingy, and so … parent-y. It’s kind of refreshing, actually. It makes you think that really anything is possible, and even though you *think* you may know it all, you just might … well, you know. Not.

See, I came into this post with a lot of preconceived notions about what pregnant ladies are supposed to look like during gestation, whether or not their baby bumps should fold and collapse on national television, what real babies look like as opposed to plastic dolls, and how shapely – or non-shapely – pregnant ladies can sometimes be post-birth. But I can see here that anything is really possible when you’re talking about Beyonce Knowles-Carter, and it’s really, really nice to see that there can be an element of surprise just around the corner when you least expect it.

Report: Beyonce’s Probably Carrying Around a Fake Baby

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From MediaTakeout: was first tipped off by DOZENS of readers who claimed that Bey’s new 2 month old baby looked STRANGE in recent pics . . . and they suspected that Bey might be carrying around a DOLL – instead of a 2 month old baby.

Well did an investigation – and our findings were STARTLING!!! We looked at photos of Blue taken about a WEEK AND A HALF in New York – and compared them with images taken two days ago. In the photos, Baby Blue grew in height about 11%. To put that in perspective, if Blue was the AVERAGE HEIGHT two weeks ago (according to the WTO growth charts) she would have been 22 inches tall. In less than 2 WEEKS, Blue would have grown at LEAST 2.5 inches – making her the size of the average FOUR MONTH OLD. A growth rate like that is almost UNHEARD OF!!!

Do I believe this? Ha! Absolutely. Beyonce undoubtedly had a fake pregnancy, so what goes better with a fake pregnancy than a fake baby? Nothing. The answer is ‘nothing’, because it’d be completely preposterous to think that Beyonce actually birthed a doll, now, wouldn’t it? Yes, it would. And speaking of dolls, let’s revisit the too-early-released photo of Beyonce’s daughter, Blue Ivy Carter, shall we?:

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See? That child could totally be a doll.

Now, the second part of this whole thing would be to consider why Beyonce would be carrying around a fake kid. Here are a few ideas: 1) Beyonce’s afraid the kid’s going to get mobbed, and she’s carrying around a fake while the real BI is chilling at home, 2) Beyonce is actually the decoy, and the kid that the fake-Beyonce is carrying is the real Blue Ivy Carter, or 3) Beyonce’s lost her damned mind and is operating under delusions of grandeur. Jay-Z, of course, is too gentlemanly to actually out her on her insanity, so he plays into the whole thing by writing rap songs for a child that doesn’t exist while he pretends that he doesn’t think women are bitches and hos (that last part’s almost pretty convincing).

Honestly, I like any one of those options, really.

Image of Beyonce from recent doctor’s visit courtesy of Bossip

Love It or Leave It: Beyonce Does Something Good for a Change

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Can you believe it! I want to put all of our Beyonce birth speculation away for one moment, and try to get past the general distaste we feel due to being lied to for so long, because this outfit? It’s just this: pretty cute. It’s colorful and springy and feminine, while looking take-charge and get-business-done. I love it. If I could replicate it, I would. But then again, if I could replicate it, that means I’d probably be able to drop a grand on a skirt and not have the conscience that there are much wiser ways to spend my money. And in spending news, Beyonce’s commissioning Christian Louboutin to make shoes for her growing baby girl (which’ll probably cost a fortune and only get two or three wears):

[Beyonce] has reportedly asked Christian Louboutin to design a matching pair of shoes for herself and Blue.

Beyonce and Blue Ivy were recently pictured wearing Marc Jacob cat slippers while out for a little stroll in New York, and combined the combined price tag for their Charlotte Olympia cat flats was around $700 but a pair of red-bottoms could be in the thousands.

Let’s talk about this for a second, alright? I think the most expensive pair of shoes I’ve ever bought was probably in the $150 range, and I suffered bouts of grief and guilt and paranoia for almost three months after the purchase. Granted, I didn’t return them; I actually wore them ’til the soles began to wear out, and it was the only expensive pair of shoes I bought for a three-year period, so I really *only* ended up spending $50 on them (or at least, that’s what I told myself to help alleviate the stomach ulcers that started to grow). This is plainly how I justified it to myself. But paying “thousands” for shoes? Yeah, I know that you spend proportionately to what you earn, and those who make ten times more than I do are apt to spend ten times more than I do, but come on. Beyonce wasn’t born rich, so to be dropping this kind of money on something so temporary and so … OK, I’ll say it – WASTEFUL – when there are people out there who can’t put a decent meal on the table really kind of boggles the mind.

I’m going to get off my soapbox now, and I’m probably going to whip out those shoes that I bought so long ago (YEAH I still have them) and wear them as punishment for the next three days while I think of ways to make it right in the world for spending so frivolously all those years ago. Maybe I’ll go offer to scrub the latrines pro bono at my local Walmart or something.

Is The World Ready for Gwyneth Paltrow to Sing And Dance Again?

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

Not to be harsh, but after that catastrophe that was Country Strong, I don’t think Gwyneth Paltrow needs to ever sing and dance again: not in the shower, not in her bedroom, not in a bar, not ever. And certainly not in a film that millions and millions of people will see. Just in case you’ve forgotten what Gwyneth Paltrow, The Singer is like, let me refresh your memory:

Do you see what I mean when I say that she needs to give this up forever? Yes? Then you should be able to feel my pain when I tell you that this is exactly what she’s not doing. What she is doing, though, is starring in a movie with Beyonce, Cameron Diaz, and Reese Witherspoon about old lady singers from the 1990′s who are sad that no one wants to listen to their music anymore. Really.

From Deadline:

In a seven-figure preemptive deal, Sony Pictures is collaborating with Ryan Murphy on One Hit Wonders, a musical comedy pitch that will be written as a star vehicle for Gwyneth Paltrow, Reese Witherspoon, Cameron Diaz, Beyonce and Andy Samberg.

Murphy is attached to direct, and he will write the script with his Gleecohorts Brad Falchuk and Ian Brennan. Murphy will produce with Paltrow (who has practically become aGlee cast member) and the latter makes her debut as a producer on this film. Murphy hopes to direct it after he completes The Normal Heart.

Paltrow, Witherspoon and Diaz will play three singers who each scored a top hit song in the 1990s before watching their careers go down the drain. They decide to form a super group. Samberg and his Lonely Island cohorts will be involved in generating music for the film, I’m told. The project came out of a dinner Murphy had at the Soho House with Paltrow, Diaz and Witherspoon. They wanted to do something fun together and kicked around ideas until they settled on One Hit Wonders. Murphy, who made Eat Pray Love with Sony Pictures chief Amy Pascal, took the pitch to her. Pascal bought it 10 minutes in. They are working the deals right now.

I’ve never liked Gwyneth Paltrow, obviously, and I’m kind of over Beyonce at the moment. I’m pretty indifferent to Cameron Diaz, and I guess I like Reese Witherspoon ok. Despite all that, am I going to go see this movie? Yes. Hell yes. I mean, the music is going to be done by The Lonely Island, the boys who wrote such beautiful songs as “The Creep” and “I Just Had Sex.” And the Gwyneth Paltrow is going to be singing those songs. And then I get to see it and laugh forever. I think it would be worth the pain, just for those giggles.

Would anyone else be interested in seeing this film?

Gwyneth Paltrow Thinks Blue Ivy Carter Is Destined for Greatness

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

Is there anything that Gwyneth Paltrow can’t do? Really, I’m not trying to be a smart ass here or anything, I’m just wondering if anyone knows of one thing that Gwyneth Paltrow cannot do, because I’m having a hard time. She can sing and dance, she can save your relationship, and she can pull off a formal cape. Oh, and she can also predict the future, because she’s already claiming to know all that lies ahead for Beyonce‘s little bundle of joy, Blue Ivy.

From Us Weekly:

She’s only seven-weeks-old, but BlueIvyCarter is destined to become a star like her parents BeyonceKnowles and Jay-Z.

“She is going to be an entertainer,” Gwyneth Paltrow, 39, explained to Hollywood Life at the Governor’s Ball Sunday. “She just has this glow around her like her mother.”

Paltrow has been close pals with the hip-hop power couple for more than a decade. “Beyonce is doing great,” Paltrow said of the first-time mom, who welcomed Blue Ivy in New York City on January 7. “She’s just a natural at being a mom.”

As for Blue Ivy? “She’s stunning,” Paltrow gushed. “She has the most beautiful eyes.”

I don’t know, you guys, I kind of have some doubts with this one, mostly because every time I’ve hung out with a person who happened to be seven weeks old, my thoughts were more along the lines of “why are you making that weird face, is it because you’re pooping?” and “man, remember when you had that umbilical cord thing or whatever hanging off your tummy? Weird.” I don’t think I’ve ever predicted a child’s future career before, say, a few months.

Oh, and speaking of Blue Ivy Carter, that seven-week-old shining star, Beyonce and Jay-Z have finally stepped out into public with her:

A photo of Beyonce and Jay-Z

See? Isn’t that definitely a cute little bitty baby and not at all a wad of clothes jammed under a blanket? PRECIOUS!