And goodness, what a ride it’s been, huh? From the adorable announcement that Beyonce was with child to all the doubts that Beyonce was with child, you can’t say that this pregnancy hasn’t been interesting. But now it’s all coming to an end, because yesterday, the child was born.
You guys, it’s a girl!
Ivy Blue Carter came into this world by c-section on Saturday, and this girl’s already getting shout-outs. Check out this tweet from Rihanna:
Welcome to the world princess Carter! Love Aunty Rih
So what I’m saying is, it’s looking pretty official. And, oh my goodness, there is just so much to discuss, isn’t there? Like up in that first paragraph when I said “it’s all coming to an end,” you should have been like “girl, please,” because shit is going to get real.
First of all, let’s talk about the c-section factor. See, I’ve been around the block a few times, and I’ve seen a good few c-section scars. Those things are noticeable. And not in a bad way, I’m not trying to shame you if you have one – my mom has one, it was my gateway into this world – but what I’m saying is that when you see a scar from a c-section, you know where it’s from. There ain’t no two ways about it. And I’m sure that Beyonce has the financial means and the clout to get awesome plastic surgeons, but according to my mom and this really strange girl I went to high school with who apparently thinks it’s ok to lift up your shirt and pull your pants down a little in a bar to overshare with a girl you were never that close to in the first place, that scar’s not going anywhere. Is there any truth to that? Because I don’t think Beyonce can go the rest of her life without showing her midsection in public, so I’m wondering if it’s safe to say that if we don’t see any hint of a scar, we can confirm that this pregnancy was bullshit.
Next, let’s move right along to some more speculation. How long do you think it will be until we see any pictures? Are we all going to be talking about how incredible it was that Beyonce lost all that baby weight so fast? ARE WE EVER GOING TO KNOW THE TRUTH?
Finally, of course we have to talk about the name: Ivy Blue Carter. Or, well, it might actually be Blue Ivy Carter: TMZ and E! are reporting two different things, but either way, do you like it? Personally, I think they should have gone with Tiana May and called it a day. Ivy Blue reminds me of either some jazz club or a young adult novel or a young adult novel about a jazz club, I’m not entirely sure which. Really, it could have been a whole lot worse.
And so now you’re all up to date on the state of Beyonce’s womb! You’re welcome, and have a wonderful day!
January 8, 2012 at 1:30 am by Emily
Me, I picked Courtney Stodden. Not only is she a true American, as you can see in the classy photo above, but we could trade makeup tips, she could show me where to get cool and stylish arm bands, and I could figure out the best, most tactful way to tell her that none of her shoes fit and it looks gross. Yes, Courtney Stodden would make a fine, fine neighbor.
But you know what? Apparently this real estate blog called Zillow does this survey every year in which they ask people which celebrity they would most like to have as a neighbor and which celebrity would be the absolute worst neighbor. And you know who was named the most desirable neighbor? The person who most people would want to have next door? Tim Tebow. Ugh, can you imagine? How boring. I’d be like “Tim, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times, if you’re going to kneel and pray again, do it in your own damn yard.”
Still, good ol’ Tebow managed to bring in 11% of votes. Brad and Angelina weren’t far behind though: they got 10%. Following Brangelina was Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux at 9%, Jennifer Lopez with 6%, Beyonce and Jay-Z with 5%, and for whatever reason, Nancy Grace and Kim Kardashian tied with 4% of the votes. The remainder of the vote was split between “other” and “none of the above,” though I can’t figure out why the survey would have both of those choices.
But what about the survey for the least desirable neighbor? How would that vote turn out? For me, my neighbors in real life have had loud screaming matches that I can hear every word of from my apartment (it’s two couples living in a two bedroom apartment, and one of the dudes has a lady on the side that his lady in the apartment has a pretty good idea about), they do laundry for 40 hours straight (I counted), and they left dog feces wrapped in a napkin in front of our window, and that was just this week! So I can’t really think of any celebrity worse than that, so … wait. Courtney Love sets things on fire in her home. That might be worse.
According to America, however, the cast of Jersey Shore win the highest honors with 28% of voters naming them the worst neighbors. Next is Charlie Sheen with 21%, Lindsay Lohan with 14%, Kim Kardashian with 13%, Nancy Grace and Brad and Angelina are tied at 3%, Anthony Weiner had 2% of votes, and the rest, again, were either “other” or “none of the above.”
But what about you, friends? Is there any celebrity that you think would be a delight to have as a neighbor, or any that would be absolutely horrible? Are you still trying to figure out why any number of people would want to live next to Jennifer Lopez? Because I’m there too. We don’t have to be alone in this.
January 7, 2012 at 6:00 am by Emily
I know, I know. It’s been a week since those reports came out that Beyonce had a little baby girl and named her Tiana May, but still no baby! The nerve of that child, right? But hey, maybe little Tiana heard that in this world, people get stabbed for not knowing that her parents are married and decided to chill in Beyonce’s womb (or, you know, wherever) for just a little longer. Totally understandable, Ti Ti. I totally get it.
Anyway, we know that Beyonce’s still pregnant (or whatever) because INF Daily snapped all these pictures of Beyonce roaming around New York last night. Last night! So it’s not even like she’s been holed up in a hospital for some insanely long labor! That wily Beyonce!
Ok, you guys, I’m sorry, but something’s been on my mind and I just can’t hold it back any longer. See, these pictures made me think, for just a second, that Beyonce might actually be pregnant. For realzies. It’s a bizarre notion, I know, but look at the shot of her feet! Do those pups look swollen or what? See, I could definitely buy that those are the feet of a pregnant lady.
But then I remembered this blind item from a couple weeks ago about a celebrity who is pretending to be pregnant. The celebrity in question knew she wasn’t being too convincing, so she started taking Prednisone to gain some weight and to fill out her face a little. And I was like “mystery solved!” So now we’re just back to waiting patiently for little Tiana to come take the world by storm, right after the surrogate does her thing.
But wait! Have you heard that MTV spoke with a psychic who revealed that Beyonce isn’t having a little adorably named girl after all, but a boy?!
“I feel that Beyoncé’s 2012 is going to be very, very exciting,” [New York psychic] Bravo told MTV News. “I get the date of January 8 to January 14 of her giving birth to her first son.”
“From what I hear, I know that the first child’s name starts with a ‘J,’ ” Bravo said. “I think it’s like Jaylin or something like that that’s going to be a tribute to her husband.”
“She’s so excited and she’s going to be a mommy and she’s scared right now because she doesn’t know how to be a mommy,” he said. “So I can feel that fear of how to do things and wanting help.”
Thing are going to work out just fine for Beyoncé, though, and our psychic believes the baby will be the first of many for hip-hop’s royal couple. “Once she gets the hang of it, you know, I feel that she wants to have a lot more and she obviously has the world at her palm,” Bravo said. “She can do whatever she wants.”
So now we’ve moved from Tiana May to Jaylin? Well, that’s … that’s something, I reckon. Jaylin. Huh.
What do you guys think? Do these photos prove anything to you? Do you think Beyonce’s going to have a darling little Tiana or a rough-and-tumble Jaylin? Tell me all about it, friends!
Images courtesy of INF Daily
January 6, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Emily
Please just tell me that. Because your very life could depend on it. I know, I know, Beyonce and Jay-Z aren’t photographed together all that often (the photo that you see above is from two years ago), but trust me, they are married. They’re even allegedly having or already had a baby together. Got it? Now remember it.
Because, not to freak you out or anything, because if you forget this vital little piece of celebrity gossip, you could end up stabbed. And shhh, nobody’s trying to scare you! It’s ok! You probably won’t get stabbed for not knowing every single little thing about popular singers and actors! But you might. Because some guy in Ohio actually did get stabbed because he wasn’t aware of the sacred union of Bey and Jay:
A fight over a music video led to a Garfield Heights man being stabbed outside a Parma apartment on New Year Eve.
Det. Marty Compton of the Parma Police Department tells Fox 8 News that Ronald Deaver, 31, of Parma, was arrested and charged with felonious assault for allegedly stabbing a 48-year-old Garfield Heights man following an argument.
Det. Compton says the fight began because the victim did not know that singer Beyonce’s husband is rapper Jay-Z.
An arrest report obtained by Fox 8 News states the alleged stabbing occurred around 11:00 p.m. on December 31, 2011, outside Deaver’s apartment on Broadview Road.
Det. Compton says authorities were called following the stabbing and the victim was taken to a local hospital. He was later transferred to MetroHealth Medical Center where he is currently listed in good condition.
Police attempted to locate Deaver at his apartment, but according to the report, a woman in the residence, Jennifer Fornari, 31, told officers that Deaver no longer lived there.
Deaver was located by police a short time later and Fornari was arrested on an obstructing justice charge.
Ok, so good news: this guy has been arrested. He’s off the streets, so you don’t have to live in fear that the next time you’re walking down the street with a friend who offers up some good gossip that you haven’t heard yet, you’re getting knifed. Bad news: who knows how many other people like this character, this Ronald Deaver, are out there? People take this kind of stuff very seriously, but hey, I guess I don’t need to tell you that now though, huh?
To keep you guys safe when you’re out there in the real world, I’ve compiled a short list of celebrity facts that you might want to memorize, just in case you’re ever in this situation. Read them closely, you guys, and if you ever feel like you’re in danger, don’t be afraid to shout “JUSTIN BIEBER HAS A FOOT FETISH, PLEASE DON’T KILL ME.” Who knows, it might save your life.
- Sarah Michelle Gellar used to be a competitive figure skater.
- Rosie Huntington-Whiteley grew up on a farm and used to shoot pheasants and bunny rabbits.
- Scarlett Johansson won an award for having the best boobs in Hollywood.
- Nicolas Cage has severe vertigo.
- Christina Aguilera was drunk when she recorded the album version of “Beautiful.”
- Avril Lavigne once called herself “a Sid Vicious for the new generation.”
- Sarah Jessica Parker acted in a production of The Sound of Music when she was little, along with four of her siblings.
Ok, that’s a start. Just get those in your mind, and stay alert, you guys.
January 5, 2012 at 11:30 am by Emily
B’s sister, Solange, who I normally don’t follow on Twitter because she’s excessively strange (and not in a fun, quirky, or cute way), fired off an interesting Tweet the other day that I just happened to catch this morning, and it was all about the status of sister Beyonce‘s womb. From Solange’s Twitter:
So, OK. We’ve apparently narrowed recent delivery options down to “not,” and according to family, Beyonce is (or at least was, as of Monday) still “carrying” her child. The child is not undergoing makeup and hair, the child is not in transit via a slippery birth canal, and the child is not on her way to People magazine’s headquarters to pose for multi-million-dollar photo shoots.
Finally, I was laying in bed last night, unable to sleep, and I got to thinking about …
January 4, 2012 at 6:30 am by Sarah
So, right. Nothing’s been confirmed, but Twitter’s blowing up all over the place, which is, I’m sure, exactly what Beyonce wants, and of course, whatever makes Beyonce happy sets us free, right? Or is that Christina Aguilera? I don’t know. Who cares. All I know is that there’s this alleged newborn floating around New York City right now bearing the name Tiana May Carter, and she’s masquerading as the offspring of Beyonce and Jay-Z.
And remember how Beyonce’s fetus had its own Twitter account? Has that still been a thing up until now? Yeah. I just checked and it is. It was even tweeting yesterday, talking about getting its hair and makeup did, leaking bits and pieces of information like “It’s getting close” and “looking like a slip ‘n slide in here,” which is way, way more information than I really needed to know about the environment of Beyonce’s surrogate’s vaginal canal, you know? Then you have the classy tweets like “I kick so hard mothaf@**$rs wanna fine me.” That’s cute babyspeak right there, guys. Lastly, this Twitter account only reinforces the fact that Beyonce is full of shit, rather than full of a baby. Check out this tweet here:
“Wait a minute. Hold the phone. I might be popping out earlier than February 2012. You’ll know soon. Very soon.”
Know when it was issued? December 5th. So, what then, does Beyonce have a way premature baby on her hands, or were the best OB’s in the country OFF by eight or more weeks when estimating the kid’s due date? I mean, does that even happen?
Finally. If you believe that Beyonce actually carried this child and birthed this child and (gasp!) breastfed this child, then I have a really great bridge to sell you and, conveniently enough, it’s located not all that far from B and her baby in Brooklyn.