Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Of Course This is What Beyonce Looks Like a Month After Birth

photo of beyonce post-baby pictures after baby photos pic
Honestly, would you expect anything else? And truly, if this set of photos does not completely convince you that the womb of Beyonce has never been tainted by a common baby, then I don’t know what to tell you.

On the flip side, if you’re one of the few who actually do believe that Beyonce both carried – and birthed! – her own child, then you shouldn’t be surprised by this news, either. Beyonce and Jay-Z have six nannies on hand. Six nannies. For one child. I’d say that probably gives a more than sufficient amount of time to work out in your own personal gym pretty much, you know, 23 and-a-half hours out of the day over these last four weeks.

Yes, this is what Beyonce looks a short four weeks after giving birth, and it lends a whole lot of credence to the rumors that she took Prednisone, a steroid that has side-effects like facial swelling and weight gain, both of which were witnessed at only the very end of B’s pregnancy. The funny thing about Prednisone (my brother used to take it when he was a little kid; he had some health issues of his own) is that once you stop taking it, the facial swelling and weight gain goes away almost immediately – especially if you haven’t been taking it long-term.

The Beyonce photos were captured while she attended her husband’s show at Carnegie Hall in New York City, where he performed ‘Glory’, the song he wrote for his daughter, for the first time. Here’s a clip:

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Sources close to Jay-Z say that after the reportedly-exhausting show, Beyonce and the hubs snacked out on celery and champagne, so maybe it isn’t all a loss, Beyonce stopping that Prednisone or hot wings or whatever it actually was. The health benefits of this child being in their lives are, by far, heavily outweighing the idea that Beyonce probably didn’t give birth to that child, and that’s good. Because when two people who can afford to bedazzle their baby’s bottles and provide them with round-the-clock nanny care in sets of three, it’s refreshing to see that their tastes wander to the conventional, and the healthy, too. You know?

What’s Your Favorite Gem to Put on Your Baby’s Things?

A photo of Beyonce

Man, I wish I had a baby. That child would have the best accessories. I’d spring for that BeDazzler down at the Salvation Army that I’ve had my eye on and I’d finally go pick up my sewing machine and my hot glue gun from my dad’s. I’d get the biggest tube of Tacky Glue the Walmart has in stock, and I’d be sure to get every color of puffy paint I could find. I would go wild. My baby would have tie dyed cloth diapers and rhinestone covered onesies. There’s even a solid chance that I would put those spinning rims on the stroller.

But see, I don’t have a baby, so I can’t do any of these things. And while that breaks my heart, I have to look on the positive side. And that positive side is that Beyonce does have a baby, and she is doing these things, only on a much grander, more Beyonce-like scale.

From In Touch via Celebitchy:

Beyonce isn’t leaving anything to chance when it comes to the welfare of her firthborn child. According to a friend, the new mom has two nannies on call at all times, which makes for a total of six nannies for little Blue Ivy Carter.

“Beyonce wanted to make sure that her daughter has the best of care,” a friend of the singer tells In Touch. “Her diaper is changed every hour.”

And proud papa Jay-Z, 42, is also lavishing attention on the newborn – by way of bling.

“Jay-Z bought her diamond earrings and a platinum baby bracelet,” reveals the friend. “Even her bottle has pink sapphires on it.”

A little over the top perhaps, but what can you expect from the couple who reportedly spent $1.3 million to bullet-proof the delivery room!

There are so many things to talk about, so let’s just break it down, section by section, ok?

- Why would you even need six nannies?  That doesn’t make any sense.  Even if you could afford it, why would you need two other people there at all times to take care of your baby?  Parents, if you could afford it, would you even want this amount of help?

- How do you guys feel about babies with pierced ears? I don’t really care for it, because, come on, it’s a baby, and there are probably other things on a baby’s mind besides jewelry. Also, they cry and it makes me sad.

- A platinum baby bracelet? For real? They might as well just call it a platinum chew toy, because a baby isn’t going to appreciate anything about that bracelet besides sticking it right inside her mouth.

- Their baby bottles have pink sapphires on them. Could you even imagine? What are they going to do with the bottles after the baby doesn’t need them anymore? How many needlessly extravagant things can one baby have?

- Why do I keep discussing Beyonce and Jay-Z like they’re normal people with reasonable ideas about money?

What do you guys think? Do these guys sound like good parents so far? Would you want to be little Blue Ivy? Don’t you think that alternating rows of pink sapphire, aquamarine, and pearl would be so much cuter?

In Today’s Non-News: Oprah Winfrey Isn’t Godmother to Blue Ivy

photo of beyonce and jay z pictures photos pics

File it under “You Didn’t Hear It From Us”: numerous reports this week claimed that Oprah had been crowned godmother of Beyonce and Jay-Z‘s infant daughter, Blue Ivy Carter.

I am pleased to announce that you never read any such thing here at Evil Beet Gossip. But boy, if we had reported it, we’d be eating crow right about now.

Oprah’s bestie Gayle King sets the record straight (via Pop2it):

“It’s absolutely not true that she’s the godmother,” King said. “She’s friends with them, of course, and likes them both very much. She’s working on sending them a baby gift. She hasn’t even had time to send a baby gift because she’s been away.”

See? How could Oprah be the godmother when she hasn’t even sent a gift yet?

That baby better watch out when Oprah does send something, though. Kid’s sure to get fifteen cars and a rehabbed kitchen (you’ll find the keys taped to the underside of your high chair, honey).

King added, “Let me just say, if (that report is) true, it is news to her. It is news to her. You know, she was heading to South Africa when the baby was born.”

Don’t you get it, people? Oprah would make a great godmother, but Oprah is busy. Oprah is very happy about the new baby—Oprah loves babies!—but Oprah has much, much bigger fish to fry.

The entire article in a nutshell:

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Beyonce Is A Great Mom, According to Destiny’s Child

A photo of Beyonce

I know, Beyonce has only been a mom for, what, nine days? But you guys, she is such a good mom. Seriously, it’s like crazy how good she is. According her old fellow children of Destiny, that is.

Beyoncé just brought baby Blue Ivy Carter home from the hospital but motherhood, according to her former Destiny’s Child bandmates, is as natural for the pop star as dancing in stilettos and a leotard.

“She’s doing fabulous,” Michelle Williams told PEOPLE on the red carpet at the taping of the 2012 BET Honors in Washington, D.C., on Saturday

“She was born to be a mother,” Kelly Rowland added at the show, which will air Feb. 13. “She’s wonderful.”

According to Williams, Beyoncé has what it takes to be a great mother to baby Blue. “She has such compassion for people and humanity, period,” she said.

Still, Williams admits that the ladies of Destiny’s Child never thought their frontwoman would be the first to become a mom.

“We were very shocked. We were laughing with each other the other day and she was like, ‘Can y’all believe it? I was the anti – like no children for me,’ and she’s the first one [of us to have a baby],” Williams said. “So it was so amazing to see her.”

Williams, who already spent time with “the bundle of joy,” says Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s little chart topper just might be the most stylish baby on the scene.

After all, she has Kelly and Michelle looking after her!

Yeah, ok, ladies.

In other Beyonce news, her bouncing baby girl, Blue Ivy, has her very own strain of marijuana named after her! Jealous!

Recently, several weed dispensaries in Los Angeles have started selling the new strain of weed called “OG Blue Ivy,” with one dispensary tweeting about a special deal ($20 a gram and $55 an eighth #newstrain). Needless to say, Beyoncé and Jay-Z haven’t given the thumbs up to this particular endorsement, but they can’t be too happy about their daughter’s name being used to push pot.

Man, is Blue Ivy everywhere or what? Not even two weeks old, and this girl is poised to rule the world.

Now if we could only see some photographic evidence that she actually exists …

Do You Want to See What Beyonce’s Hospital Room Looks Like?

A photo of Beyonce

Of course you do, silly! You want to see every inch of that private suite where Beyonce‘s baby, Blue Ivy, came into this world. Or where we’re supposed to believe she came into the world. Or whatever. Yes, you want to see all the flat screen televisions and the private kitchen … yeah, it actually has those things.

From TMZ:

Lenox Hill Hospital constructed a suite for VIPs which looks like a Four Seasons penthouse … and the room was christened Saturday when Beyonce gave birth.

TMZ has obtained photos of the room where Blue Ivy came into this world, and it’s baller. There are 4 flat screen TV’s, state of the art electronics, a kitchenette, nice art, mahogany walls and plush furnishings. And take a look at the bed where Jay Z got some shut eye!

Sources connected with the hospital tell TMZ … the suite was not constructed specifically for Beyonce, but it was always intended that Beyonce would be the first patient to use it.

Well, at least they didn’t get an entire wing, which is what the first reports said. It still seems kind of excessive though, doesn’t it? You’re having a child, not moving into an apartment. It’s wasteful, is what it is. Harrumph.

Speaking of harrumphs, did you hear that the New York Health Department investigated all those complaints people made about the star treatment Beyonce and Jay-Z got during their stay at the hospital? Well, the health department dismissed those complaints and shut down their investigation, but it turns out that the hospital itself is starting up its own “internal investigation into allegations about the mistreatment of maternity patients.” Here’s hoping somebody gets their comeuppance!

In other Beyonce baby news, you remember that song that Jay-Z released a few seconds after Blue Ivy was born, “Glory”? Yeah, thanks to that little ditty, Blue has beat the world record for the youngest person to have a song on the Billboard charts. For real. This girl is six days old and she’s already on the charts. Are you reconsidering every choice you’ve ever made too?

But really, all this talk is irrelevant. We shouldn’t be complaining about the shamefully excessive nature of the hospital suite or how absurd it is that this tiny baby is on the Billboard charts. What we should really be concerned about is that apparently this baby is actually Satan:

Talk about putting things into perspective, right?

Images courtesy of TMZ

Wait, So Beyonce’s “Delivery” Wasn’t a C-Section?

photo of beyonce and jay z pictures photos pics
Hey, did you guys read Beyonce and Jay-Z’s official birth announcement about baby Blue Ivy Carter? No? Well here it is:

“Hello Hello Baby Blue! We are happy to announce the arrival of our beautiful daughter, Blue Ivy Carter, born on Saturday, January 7, 2012. Her birth was emotional and extremely peaceful, we are in heaven. She was delivered naturally at a healthy 7 lbs and it was the best experience of both of our lives. We are thankful to everyone for all your prayers, well wishes, love and support.”

So, wait a damned second now. Where does the business of having an abdomen cut open come into play? Because originally, didn’t baby Blue allegedly enter the world through a manufactured opening somewhere in Beyonce’s midsection, and not through the Tunnel of Love? So, OK. Wait a damned second. She allegedly didn’t want to ruin her body by being pregnant with the baby, but it’s totally alright to stretch her vagina to hell and back to accommodate an allegedly-fake baby? Heavens.

I don’t know about all of you, but I’m tired, friends. I’m tired of speculating about whether or not Beyonce had an engorged lump of human underneath her dresses in all of those pictures or whether it was some kind of cheap pool toy, and I’m just flat-out exhausted when I start to consider the many options that may have been chosen if Beyonce didn’t actually carry her own child (I mean, did she adopt through an agency? Adopt through another pregnant lady? Adopt via Bey ‘n Jay zygote implantation into a host mother?). Honestly, after this huge emotional blow, I’m really just ready to give up.

Me, I say we all give it a good few years, allow this whole situation to breathe and evolve, and then actually see what this kid ends up looking like. Because truly, guys, I just don’t have the dedication to good old Beyonce here to continue wondering what the big deal is behind every single thing she does with this child and to analyze every cryptic statement that’s been made to date. I just don’t think I’m cut out for that kind of mystery, folks.

Did Beyonce Have A Miscarriage Before Blue Ivy?

That little video up there is the newest song from Jay-Z. It was released today, it’s called “Glory,” and it’s all about little Blue Ivy. It even samples the baby crying after delivery. It’s actually kind of sweet! Well, except the line “you’re my child with the child from Destiny’s Child,” that’s absolutely embarrassing, but hey! I imagine Jay wrote in a pinch, right?

But wait, what about this little line?

“Last time the miscarriage was so tragic

We was afraid you’d disappear

But nah baby you magic.”

That’s a bit heartbreaking, and it makes me think so much more of Jay and Beyonce that they didn’t, I don’t know, make a video with images of the deceased baby and post it online. But there’s this tiny part of me, this little awful cynic, that’s like “wait, for real?” Because it’s going to be super hard for me to believe anything this couple says from here on out, and I’m sorry if that makes me insensitive, but come on now.

Speaking of insensitive, you know who is also insensitive to Bey and Jay right now? All the other people who happened to have babies on the same weekend as Beyonce’s surrogate:

A Brooklyn man claims increased security at Lenox Hill hospital — because of the presence of Beyonce and Jay-Z — kept him from seeing his prematurely born twins … this according to a report.

Neil Coulon tells the NY Daily News he has been repeatedly kept out of the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) by the couple’s security. He also claims his relatives were booted out of the waiting room by bodyguards wearing headsets.

He tells the paper, “Three times they stopped me from entering or exiting the NICU and it happened once on Friday — just because they wanted to use the hallway.”

Oh, silly man, how did you not know that Beyonce’s baby is more important than your own? You should have thought things through a little more when you and your partner decided to have babies. This is on you, Neil Coulon. This is all on you.

Meanwhile, a group of new mothers are threatening to sue the hospital for similar reasons:

Sources at Lenox Hill Hospital in NYC tell TMZ … the mothers have been gathering at a breastfeeding class at the hospital … and in between latching techniques, they’ve been griping about the way they’ve been treated during the celebrity lockdown.

We’re told the mothers feel they’ve been “neglected” by hospital staff … and now they’re discussing the possibility of filing a lawsuit against LHH.

According to, Bey and Jay-Z dropped $1.3 mil to seal off a private wing of the hospital … with private security roaming all over the place.

Our sources say several mothers have been seen arguing with Bey’s security people … accusing the hired muscle of being “extremely rude.”

Still, we’re told the mothers are not mad at Bey and Jay — directing the blame solely at the people who run the hospital.

One source tells us, “Someone at the hospital should be protecting us patients.”

Does anyone else think that sounds like the plot of a really awesome movie?

One more thing: Beyonce and Jay-Z just released a statement about the birth:

“Hello Hello Baby Blue! We are happy to announce the arrival of our beautiful daughter, Blue Ivy Carter, born on Saturday, January 7, 2012. Her birth was emotional and extremely peaceful, we are in heaven. She was delivered naturally at a healthy 7 lbs and it was the best experience of both of our lives.We are thankful to everyone for all your prayers, well wishes, love and support. Beyoncé & Jay-Z.”

So she was born naturally now?  Can someone please keep their story straight?