B’s sister, Solange, who I normally don’t follow on Twitter because she’s excessively strange (and not in a fun, quirky, or cute way), fired off an interesting Tweet the other day that I just happened to catch this morning, and it was all about the status of sister Beyonce‘s womb. From Solange’s Twitter:
So, OK. We’ve apparently narrowed recent delivery options down to “not,” and according to family, Beyonce is (or at least was, as of Monday) still “carrying” her child. The child is not undergoing makeup and hair, the child is not in transit via a slippery birth canal, and the child is not on her way to People magazine’s headquarters to pose for multi-million-dollar photo shoots.
Finally, I was laying in bed last night, unable to sleep, and I got to thinking about …
January 4, 2012 at 6:30 am by Sarah
So, right. Nothing’s been confirmed, but Twitter’s blowing up all over the place, which is, I’m sure, exactly what Beyonce wants, and of course, whatever makes Beyonce happy sets us free, right? Or is that Christina Aguilera? I don’t know. Who cares. All I know is that there’s this alleged newborn floating around New York City right now bearing the name Tiana May Carter, and she’s masquerading as the offspring of Beyonce and Jay-Z.
And remember how Beyonce’s fetus had its own Twitter account? Has that still been a thing up until now? Yeah. I just checked and it is. It was even tweeting yesterday, talking about getting its hair and makeup did, leaking bits and pieces of information like “It’s getting close” and “looking like a slip ‘n slide in here,” which is way, way more information than I really needed to know about the environment of Beyonce’s surrogate’s vaginal canal, you know? Then you have the classy tweets like “I kick so hard mothaf@**$rs wanna fine me.” That’s cute babyspeak right there, guys. Lastly, this Twitter account only reinforces the fact that Beyonce is full of shit, rather than full of a baby. Check out this tweet here:
“Wait a minute. Hold the phone. I might be popping out earlier than February 2012. You’ll know soon. Very soon.”
Know when it was issued? December 5th. So, what then, does Beyonce have a way premature baby on her hands, or were the best OB’s in the country OFF by eight or more weeks when estimating the kid’s due date? I mean, does that even happen?
Finally. If you believe that Beyonce actually carried this child and birthed this child and (gasp!) breastfed this child, then I have a really great bridge to sell you and, conveniently enough, it’s located not all that far from B and her baby in Brooklyn.
December 30, 2011 at 10:30 am by Sarah
It’s Pregnancé no more because reports are coming thick and fast that Beyoncé is having her baby – with talk that she’s probably crowning this very moment! With nurses and security at New York’s St. Luke’s Roosevelt Hospital being advised to prepare themselves for a high-profile client checking in to give birth late yesterday, word on the maternity ward is that it’s none other than Mama B. Though this hasn’t been confirmed, two gossipy nurses have said that the VIP has booked out half of the Labor and Delivery Suite at the hospital – the same one where friend Alicia Keys gave birth last year.
Sure, OK. Beyonce‘s giving birth now. She wore a prosthetic bump on that awards show a few months ago to embellish her pregnancy announcement and was only, like, 12 weeks along, but she’s delivering that baby today. Or very soon. Right.
Best wishes to the woman bearing your child, Beyonce! I hope you paid her well for all of this confusion and make-believe!
December 28, 2011 at 9:30 am by Sarah
She was brought in from outside the United States. She only speaks Spanish (or Portuguese?), and has a child who is approximately Kindergarten age. She is fairly attractive, looks like she is in her late twenties, and has thick, dark brown hair and medium-colored skin. You probably wouldn’t notice her if she was walking down the street. However, it doesn’t really matter what she looks like, as she is simply the Surrogate for a baby that is a genetic combination of the soon-to-be Mom and Dad.
The Surrogate is currently living on the Lower West Side of Manhattan with her first child in a very nice apartment. She is not married, and does not really know anyone in New York, but she does want to stay here once the birth is over. The apartment is being paid for by the Couple. The Surrogate is well-cared for by a full-time staff person and there is always a doctor or nurse on call. She looks like she is approximately eight months pregnant, and is clearly much bigger than the Mom, who is simply playing pregnant.
By the way, the Mom was physically capable of bearing her own child, but she didn’t want to “ruin” her body.
Beyonce, honey, look. I think it’s pretty safe to say that the game is over. It’s ok if you fibbed a little, just tell us, all right? We won’t be mad. You won’t get in trouble. Just tell the truth from now on, all right?
Now here’s a little something to make you feel better:
December 15, 2011 at 3:30 pm by Emily
For the beginning of this story, we’re going to go ahead and assume that Beyonce is telling the truth about being pregnant, all right? We’ll get more into it in a moment, but for now, Beyonce is a delighted pregnant lady, and her precious little baby should be here in about a month’s time. Because she’s eight months pregnant:
Anyway, Beyonce was on 20/20 this past Friday, and in case you missed it, here are some highlights:
On the rumors that her pregnancy is fake: “You know there are certain things that are so far, it doesn’t even affect me. I am cool, it is so ridiculous and over the top.” In fact the “Love On Top” singer revealed that it was her mother, Tina Knowles, that needed to be calmed down the most. “She’s like ‘no one is going to talk about my gran-baby.’” she said. “I was like calm down mom, it’s OK.”
On how she announced her pregnancy: “News that is that big… it is hard to keep to yourself,” she explained to Couric. She said after that moment she finally felt free. “I felt so liberated and I could breathe and be happy. I went straight off the stage, I hugged Jay and I hugged my mom.”
On her diet: “I’ve been really conscious [about food],” she told Couric. “I’ve been trying my best not to lose control. Because I’ve met so many people that say, ‘My second baby, my third baby, I’ve learned my lesson,”‘ she explains of other mothers who struggled to lose their baby weight. “So I haven’t been going crazy. I know it’s important that I don’t lose myself.”
On her excitement: “I am so anxious I want to hold the baby!” she laughed. “The best thing is knowing that my favourite person in the world… I haven’t met them yet. It’s exciting.”
Katie Couric also tried really hard to get Beyonce to tell her if she was having a boy or a girl, but Beyonce wasn’t talking.
I just don’t know anymore, you guys. I wanted to get excited about Beyonce’s baby, I truly did. I want Beyonce’s pregnancy to be as adorable as Jessica Simpson‘s, but it’s not because it’s shrouded in lies and deceit.
I went ahead and compiled a gallery of Beyonce for you guys to look through, and I want you to tell me what you think. The first picture was taken on August 28th, the day we found out Beyonce was pregnant, and the pictures go chronologically through to November 20th, which is the latest picture we have of her. Do you see anything suspicious?
December 5, 2011 at 4:30 am by Emily
Your choices are as follows:
-Beyonce. It’s debatable as to whether this woman actually is pregnant or not, but for the sake of fun, I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt this time. Until, at least, her bump pops and floats away. People are putting her at three, six, and eight months pregnant. I just couldn’t tell you, folks:
Who’s the hottest pregnant woman going?