Today's Evil Beet Gossip

The One Where I Feel Too Many Feelings

So that song doesn’t have any real relevance that I can think of right now, but it’s my favorite Bowie song of the moment. And besides, what am I supposed to do here, take a picture of myself or something? Gross. I’m sick and pale, plus I’m crying. DON’T JUDGE ME.

Anyway, this is going to be a post of me saying bye to you guys. It’s probably going to be too long, and I’m probably going to ramble. You know how I do.

I’m going to miss you guys so much! I feel like I’m breaking up with you, and it’s not because I don’t love you anymore, it’s just because things are changing, and I still want to be friends, I really do. You can holler at me on Facebook or Twitter, and you can keep up with my cats on Instagram. I have a blog that I update sometimes. In due time, you’ll be able to read me rant about Taylor Swift again. This isn’t goodbye, this is see you later.

I am the biggest p-ssy ever, you guys. This is so lame.

But you know, I feel like we’ve had some good times, right? We got to watch the aforementioned Taylor Swift commit statutory rape together. We got to document how crazy Victoria Jackson is together. We even got to witness David Bowie‘s miraculous return to music together. We’ve gone through a lot of celebrity gossip milestones together. And hey: we’ll always have the conception of the spawn of Kimye.

I don’t know, friends. Basically, you’re all wonderful. I mean, maybe a couple of you aren’t, but for the most part, you guys are just too awesome. There’s Mireee, who is just the coolest, and crab, who I can always count on for some great kitty talk. There’s Chaz, and even though he asks for pictures of dirty tampons, I have to respect such a funny dude who loves my dear Sarah so much. There’s Simon Jadis, who has the most wonderful comments and who is just such a delight. There’s Ike Nash, who I truly hope never stops writing songs. There’s Harriet Meadow, who always sounds so neat (is this getting weird? Let’s get weird). There’s Mercy, who is so, so great. And guest … we all know how I feel about guest. Hint: it’s the same way everyone else feels about guest.

Major shoutouts (oh god, I’m giving shoutouts now, what have I become?) to Sasha, who liked my play about Jesus and my Twitter account enough to give me this crazy amazing opportunity, and A., who was so wonderful to let me keep on keepin’ on afterwards. And the other ladies I’ve had so much fun working with – Molls and Jenn, those absolute darlings – this has just been such a fantastic experience. And you know, I don’t even have enough words to say how completely phenomenal Sarah is, so I don’t think I can even try. Just know that she is one of the sweetest, smartest, funniest people I’ve ever met in my whole entire life, and you should probably consider yourselves lucky that you’ve gotten to hear what she has to say for the past few years. And yes, I’m still crying.

But don’t worry! I’ve read lots of things by Jennifer and Bobby, your new Evil Beet crew, and you guys are in such good hands. Seriously, have you looked at their blogs yet? No excuses. Get psyched.

And one last time, here’s a picture of my cats. I couldn’t get a new one of them together because they both need their testicles removed so they quit running around the house for hours and hours at a time, but here are my precious angel babies taking turns sleeping on my lap:

A photo of Emily's cats

I love you guys! Don’t be strangers! I’m going to go drink NyQuil and stop feeling so many feelings! Later!

Quotables: Karl Lagerfeld Has Something to Say About Michelle Obama’s Hair

A photo of Karl Lagerfeld

“I adore Madame Obama. . . [but] frankly, this doesn’t suit her. The fringe was a bad idea, it’s not good.”

- Karl Lagerfeld delivers some fightin’ words.

Look, you don’t say anything bad about Michelle Obama. You just don’t. It doesn’t matter what she does, you say something nice or you just shut your mouth. Like if someone released some footage of Michelle Obama drowning puppies, you’d still be like “well, she did look really classy doing it.” If she made a statement about how she wanted to stop focusing on promoting healthy choices for kids and start promoting PCP use for kids, then you’d say something like “that’s a strong woman who can go after what she believes in.” And then you’d do this solemn, appreciative nod that everyone always seems to do when talking about this lady. Do you know what I’m talking about?

For those of you living under a rock in a cave with no wifi, here’s Michelle’s new bangs:

A photo of Michelle Obama

Flawless, right? Even my dad has a crush on her, and he never talks about any famous lady crushes. He called me after Obama won the election and said things like “I’m so glad Obama won so I don’t have to hear that other asshole talk anymore” and “his wife sure is a pretty woman, huh?” Everyone loves Michelle Obama.

Taylor Swift Still Doesn’t Get It

A photo of Taylor Swift

I’m sorry (no, I’m not), but Taylor Swift is really, really dumb. She’s smart with some things, of course, like writing songs that little girls will fall in love with and all that, but for the most part, she’s just a big dummy.

Here’s what I mean: we all understand why Taylor Swift is dumb. We all get it. We all get that she’s creepy and obsessive and weird, and that she tries to cover all that up by pretending to be an angelic, virginal 12-year-old girl. That’s all very clear to us, right? But not to Taylor. She just doesn’t get it.

Check out this thing that she said recently:

“People say that I’m buying houses all the time that I’m not buying. It’s like every time the press thinks I like a guy, they say I am buying a house next to them. And also they think they know what I’m getting people for Christmas, which they don’t. I was thinking when I saw that one (rumor) that if they actually got it right I would be so sad because they would have blown my Christmas present, but they were all wrong.”

Because that’s the thing people make fun of her for, buying houses. Ugh. This is like Lindsay Lohan doing an interview and saying “guys, I don’t really have sex with Terry Richardson!” Like, ok, that’s one tiny, old rumor addressed, but how about every other thing that’s wrong with you?

There’s also another story about Tay Tay going around (I have to cram in an extra one, guys, because this is my very last time talking to you about this girl! Can you even imagine?!). It seems like she’s basically been crying nonstop ever since Harry Styles broke up with her. Poor thing. Some source said that “she is a complete mess,” and that it’s really hurting her feelings how everyone’s pointing out the fact that she’s crazy.

My favorite part, though, is about how Tina Fey made a joke about her at the Golden Globes. Here’s how Taylor apparently reacted afterwards:

”That’s when it hit her that she has such a horrible reputation, it could affect her professionally.”

GIRL, LOL! Do you think, maybe?