Today's Evil Beet Gossip

The One Where I Feel Too Many Feelings

So that song doesn't have any real relevance that I can think of right now, but it's my favorite Bowie song of the moment. And besides, what am I supposed to do here, take a picture of myself or something? Gross. I'm sick and pale, plus I'm crying. DON'T JUDGE ME. Anyway, this is going to be a post of me saying bye to you guys. It's probably going to be too long, and I'm probably going to ramble. You know how I do. I'm going to miss you guys so much! I feel like I'm breaking up with you, and it's not because I don't love you anymore, it's just because things are changing, and I still want to be friends, I really do. You can holler at me on Facebook or Twitter, and you can keep up with my cats on Instagram. I have a blog that I update sometimes. In due time, you'll be able to read me rant about Taylor Swift again. This isn't goodbye, this is see you later. I am the biggest p-ssy ever, you guys. This is so lame. But you know, I feel like we've had some good times, right? We got to watch the aforementioned Taylor Swift commit statutory rape together. We got to document how crazy Victoria Jackson is together. We even got to witness David Bowie's miraculous return to music together. We've gone through a lot of celebrity gossip milestones together. And hey: we'll always have the conception of the spawn of Kimye. I don't know, friends. Basically, you're all wonderful. I mean, maybe a couple of you aren't, but for the most part, you guys are just too awesome. There's Mireee, who is just the coolest, and crab, who I can always count on for some great kitty talk. There's Chaz, and even though he asks for pictures of dirty tampons, I have to respect such a funny dude who loves my dear Sarah so much. There's Simon Jadis, who has the most wonderful comments and who is just such a delight. There's Ike Nash, who I truly hope never stops writing songs. There's Harriet Meadow, who always sounds so neat (is this getting weird? Let's get weird). There's Mercy, who is so, so great. And guest ... we all know how I feel about guest. Hint: it's the same way everyone else feels about guest. Major shoutouts (oh god, I'm giving shoutouts now, what have I become?) to Sasha, who liked my play about Jesus and my Twitter account enough to give me this crazy amazing opportunity, and A., who was so wonderful to let me keep on keepin' on afterwards. And the other ladies I've had so much fun working with - Molls and Jenn, those absolute darlings - this has just been such a fantastic experience. And you know, I don't even have enough words to say how completely phenomenal Sarah is, so I don't think I can even try. Just know that she is one of the sweetest, smartest, funniest people I've ever met in my whole entire life, and you should probably consider yourselves lucky that you've gotten to hear what she has to say for the past few years. And yes, I'm still crying. But don't worry! I've read lots of things by Jennifer and Bobby, your new Evil Beet crew, and you guys are in such good hands. Seriously, have you looked at their blogs yet? No excuses. Get psyched. And one last time, here's a picture of my cats. I couldn't get a new one of them together because they both need their testicles removed so they quit running around the house for hours and hours at a time, but here are my precious angel babies taking turns sleeping on my lap: A photo of Emily's cats So that song doesn't have any real relevance that I can think of right now, but it's my favorite Bowie song of the moment. And besides, what am I supposed to do here, take a picture of myself or something? Gross. I'm sick and pale, plus I'm crying. DON'T JUDGE ME. Anyway, this is going to be a post of me saying bye to you guys. It's probably going to be too long, and I'm probably going to ramble. You know how I do. I'm going to miss you guys so much! I feel like I'm breaking up wi...

Quotables: Karl Lagerfeld Has Something to Say About Michelle Obama’s Hair

A photo of Karl Lagerfeld “I adore Madame Obama. . . [but] frankly, this doesn’t suit her. The fringe was a bad idea, it’s not good.” - Karl Lagerfeld delivers some fightin' words. Look, you don't say anything bad about Michelle Obama. You just don't. It doesn't matter what she does, you say something nice or you just shut your mouth. Like if someone released some footage of Michelle Obama drowning puppies, you'd still be like "well, she did look really classy doing it." If she made a statement about how she wanted to stop focusing on promoting healthy choices for kids and start promoting PCP use for kids, then you'd say something like "that's a strong woma...

Taylor Swift Still Doesn’t Get It

A photo of Taylor Swift I'm sorry (no, I'm not), but Taylor Swift is really, really dumb. She's smart with some things, of course, like writing songs that little girls will fall in love with and all that, but for the most part, she's just a big dummy. Here's what I mean: we all understand why Taylor Swift is dumb. We all get it. We all get that she's creepy and obsessive and weird, and that she tries to cover all that up by pretending to be an angelic, virginal 12-year-old girl. That's all very clear to us, r...

Spencer And Heidi Are Broke Because of The Apocalpyse

A photo of Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag Hey, remember when everybody thought the world was going to end on December 21st, 2012? And some people really thought the world was going to end, and they focused their whole lives on getting ready for it? You should remember that, it wasn't that long ago. Oh, and there was an episode of Wife Swap about it (not that you should, but if you wanted to, the episode might be on YouTube and it might be TOTALLY WORTH IT). Come on, you guys totally remember this. But you know who definitely rem...

Lindsay Lohan Is A Big Sister Again!

A photo of Lindsay Lohan From TMZ: Big day for Michael Lohan ... his daughter escaped jail ... and his fiancee just gave birth to a BOUNCING BABY BOY!!! While Lindsay was sweatin' it out in court, Kate Major went into labor at a Florida hospital. We're told Kate gave birth to a son -- Landon Major Lohan -- at 11:39 AM PT. The baby weighed in at 19 3/4 inches, 7 lbs 5 oz ... and is already wanted in 3 states (kidding!). We're told Michael was with Kate the entire time ... and even cut the umbilical cord. A...

James Franco Is Still Better Than You

A photo of James Franco At this point, I think it's safe to say that James Franco is better than all of us. And I say that without any resentment. It's just the truth. James Franco is a beautiful, talented soul, and we might as well be made of shit. Truth! But did you know that James Franco is also better than all other celebrities, and basically every other person working in Hollywood? Specifically, he's better than everyone who worked on the latest Spiderman movie. Here's what he had to say about it: "Eh," Franco told MTV with his signature smirk and a s...

Blind Item: Somebody’s Eating Paper

A photo of Blind Items From Blind Gossip: This actress is known mostly for her work in television. She is pretty, but she is desperate to be thinner. While she already looks slim, she thinks that if she could just drop a few more pounds that she will land the lead role in a series this year. She has a difficult time battling the hunger pangs, so she has resorted to a rather bizarre diet. She has been eating paper. She buys rolls of paper towels made of unbleached paper, and chews bits of it all day long. She clai...