Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Victoria Jackson

Victoria Jackson Is The Worst Person Ever

A photo of Victoria Jackson

Ok, I’m sure that Victoria Jackson isn’t the worst person ever. Not really. I’m sure that there are plenty of people in the world who are worse than Victoria Jackson. I can think of four or five right off the top of my head. But right now, right at this very moment in time, I am enraged, and right now, to me, Victoria Jackson is worse than everyone.

This is going to make you angry, I think. I almost didn’t even talk about this, but it just pissed me off too much, and I have to share it so that I feel less alone in this empty pit of rage.

This is about the shooting in Connecticut, and what Victoria Jackson had to say about it. If you need to sit this one out, I understand. If not, let’s get to it.

Here are things that Victoria said on her Facebook following the shooting:

Obama dramatically wiped a tear as he said, “The majority of those who died today were children — beautiful little kids … They had their entire lives ahead of them — birthdays, graduations, weddings, kids of their own…”

YEAH OBAMA. SAME AS THE MILLION BABIES YOU HAD ABORTED THIS YEAR.

ARE YOU CRYING FOR THEM?!

And this:

TV News can’t figure out why all these 20 year olds are murdering. The school system taught them they are animals (evolution) for the last 20 years. Survival of the fittest. They’re just acting like animals.

And this:

Lord, please comfort the grieving and please let our nation invite you back into our families so this evil won’t happen again. In Jesus name, amen.

F-ck you, Victoria Jackson.

Obama didn’t have babies aborted. He doesn’t have a uterus, so he can’t have any babies aborted. He also can’t make laws all by himself, because that’s not how this government works. Oh, and also this: an abortion is not the same thing as murdering a six-year-old child, you ignorant bitch.

WE ARE ANIMALS. We just are. Humans are animals. We’ve built a bigger society than other animals, and we’ve gotten more advanced with our communication, but we are most certainly animals. I really hate that I have to explain this.

I also hate that I have to explain that the U.S. was not founded on Christianity, because it wasn’t. Pilgrims came here for religious freedom. Thomas Jefferson, the guy who wrote most of the Declaration of Independence, which is a pretty big deal, wasn’t even a Christian. This tragedy has absolutely nothing to do with “taking God out of our schools,” and I don’t even understand why people think that.

If I see one more Photoshopped picture of Jesus floating over a classroom with a caption like “I wish they would let me in there with you,” or if I hear one more person mention that this shooting, the one in Aurora, and Columbine all happened in liberal states that are working on gun control, then I will lose my f-cking mind. Yes, we need to take a good hard look on what we can do to prevent this kind of thing. But it doesn’t have anything to do with bringing religion back to public schools or your weird political agenda.

Victoria’s stance also says that guns are not the problem, but in the wise words of Eddie Izzard, “guns don’t kill people, people kill people, but I think the gun helps.” And on that note, let’s all go watch Eddie Izzard clips and try to regain the ability to feel feelings. Sound good?

Victoria Jackson Is Way Sad About The Election

A photo of Victoria Jackson

I can’t believe myself right now, I really can’t. In all of my excitement and relief over Obama’s re-election, I’ve forgotten that some people aren’t so happy. Particularly, I’ve forgotten that our dear Victoria Jackson, our patron saint of batshit crazy, must be extremely devastated over this news.

And she is, guys. She really, really is. Let’s check out some of her tweets from the past several days, all right?

Here are the ones she posted right after Obama’s win was announced:

I can’t stop crying.

America died.

I can’t stop crying. America died.

Thanks a lot Christians, for not showing up. You disgust me.

She also posted a lot of links from this wacky conservative website about voter fraud, and a link to some quotes about communism.

Now let’s see how she’s been picking up the pieces in these past few days:

America’s dead but Jesus Christ the same yesterday, today, and forever.

The Democrat Party kicked God out of their platform and replaced Him with Romans 1. Read it: environmentalism/ homosexuality

Why can’t we have 2 countries? America Red and America Blue – only Blue people aren’t allowed to ask us for money when free phones run out

the power of the tweet is going to my head, i better take a break….or I might get as arrogant as Dictator Obama…

COINCIDENCE? OBAMA LOSES IN EVERY STATE THAT REQUIRES PHOTO ID!

Just think, if Red States secede! We could have our own media and not have to look at the face of the LIAR anymore or hear his voice! We could have The Constitution and Freedom! We could have conservatives on TV again!

last tweet of the day… Rubio and E.W. Jackson 2016 or Red States Secede

IMPEACH THE IMPOSTOR!

I have no respect for Obama Voters. You traded freedom for a free phone, a joint for a job, and a baby for sluttiness.

Obama voters will be sorry…when it’s too late.

My shock and sadness has now turned into anger. You thought I was a patriotic, Constitutionalist before-LOOK OUT!

Do you actually think there will be an election in 2016? Maybe O will make an Executive Order that he stays forever…like Chavez.

Oh my god, I feel like I’m being suffocated by all the crazy, and I’m sure at least 95% of everyone who knows anything about this past presidential election would feel the same way. If you don’t like Obama, that’s fine, and if you didn’t vote for him, that’s your right, but there’s a difference between not being psyched about the president and thinking he’s literally the devil. Victoria Jackson is out her damn mind.

And hey, Obama supporting friends, come over here for a minute. Don’t tell anyone, because I don’t want them to feel left out, but I found such a treasure yesterday that I need to share with you. Here, I’ll just slip it in your hand so no one feels uncomfortable. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Here’s Some Poor Man Debating Gay Rights with Victoria Jackson

Here’s a tip though: if you don’t want to feel emotions somewhere on the scale between frustrated and furious, then maybe don’t watch this video right now. Maybe save it for a day when you’re mad or upset anyway, that way you can watch this and then go punch a wall or leave a scathing comment on YouTube or eat some ice cream, however you deal with your feelings. Sound good?

But if you don’t want to watch it, or can’t watch it, or if you just want a quick recap, here’s a rundown of the points Victoria Jackson makes to defend her views on gay rights (which, at this point, should be pretty obvious):

- Gay people do have rights, so what’s to fight for?

- Homosexuality is a choice, because “there’s no gene that’s been discovered yet, scientifically, for gayness.”  That means that heterosexuality is also a choice.

- Gay people are weird because their identities are in their sex lives.

- “Gays and lesbians have the same rights as everyone else.”

- You can be fired for being gay, but you can also be fired for being a Christian.  So stop.

- It may be hurtful for people to tell gays that they’re wrong and don’t deserve rights, but it’s also hurtful for people to tell people like Victoria Jackson that they “have hate speech.”

Overall, I’m glad that Victoria Jackson was polite, or at least as polite as one can be when telling someone that their feelings, beliefs, and fight for equality is wrong. She wasn’t cruel or hateful, just ignorant. Like, she got totally schooled by the guy in this video, and also she had a flag sticking out of her hair. She’s not mean, she’s not rude, she just needs to go home and hush.

But that guy who made the guest appearance in the middle of the video? He can go home, hush, and hopefully his gay mom will be there with Kate Gosselin’s wooden spoon. Fingers crossed!

Victoria Jackson Has Some Important Thoughts About That Todd Akin Thing

A photo of Victoria Jackson

Hey, friends!  If you have a low tolerance for bullshit, you might want skip over this story. On the other hand, if you’re a big fan of Victoria Jackson’s political nonsense, this is the story for you!

Because, ok. Ugh. That Todd Akin thing. I’m sure many of you guys know about it already, but just to recap, Todd Akin is this Republican Senate nominee in Missouri, and he, of course, has strong feelings about abortion. Basically, he doesn’t like it, and he doesn’t want anyone partaking in it, even rape victims. Because check it out:

“First of all, from what I understand from doctors [pregnancy from rape] is really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

Do you see the logic? Rape victims just don’t get pregnant, at least they don’t if the rape is legitimate. So they don’t even need abortions. So, once again, the only people who want abortions are … I can’t even play anymore. This is bullshit, and it’s ridiculous, and it’s offensive. It doesn’t even make sense. And I think that regardless of what your own views are on the subject, we can all agree on that, right?

But, ridiculous or not, Victoria Jackson totally supports it:

“The Todd Akin thing was so blown out of proportion — it’s a joke,” Jackson said at the Republican National Convention in Tampa, Fla., when interviewed for my SiriusXM OutQ radio program. “How many times do people get pregnant from rape? It’s point zero zero one percent. It’s a joke. I read lots of articles. I know people, because I’m 53. I’ve know a lot of people, and I’ve actually never known anyone who got pregnant from being raped.”

“And guess what?” she continued. “If I got raped, I would have the baby. And if I didn’t want to keep it because I had these [mocking tone] horrible nightmares, I would adopt it out. But I think that God can turn a bad thing into a good thing. And that, if I got raped and a beautiful baby who was innocent was born out of it, that would be a blessing. The DNA of a baby is individual. It’s not the mother’s DNA. It’s not the father’s DNA. And that’s why I believe abortion is murder, because it’s not the woman’s body. It has it’s own DNA. If there’s a boy baby inside of me, he has a penis. That’s not my body.”

It’s not even funny anymore, it’s just sad and uncomfortable. So I don’t know about you guys, but I’m just going to spend the rest of the evening wishing and hoping with all my might that Victoria Jackson has just been involved in a very long, very believable goof. That this is all just satire, and that no one on the planet could really think like this. What about you guys?

Victoria Jackson: “I’m A Beginner Political Activist”

A photo of Victoria Jackson

Ok, this news is just a little late, but you guys should know that I can never pass up a story about Victoria Jackson. That lady is just too crazy, and I eat up every bit of it, I really do. Everything that comes out of her mouth is just really fascinating garbage. Victoria Jackson is enchanting. There, I said it.

Anyway, earlier this month, Victoria spoke at CPAC, the Conservative Political Action Conference, in D.C. Not surprisingly, she was a bright little ray of sunshine shining down in Washington, and, as always, she had some real gems to contribute to the conversation:

On her mission: “I’m here to save America from communism.”

On … um … gay marriage? “The people of California voted that they did not believe that gay marriage — no gay marriage,” she explained to HuffPost Gay Voices. “They voted that. A judge, probably gay, activist judge, overturned that. That’s what I’m talking about — communism.”

On pods: “Do you know what the housing is going to be like when we all live in a pod?” she asked. “And we all take public transit? It’s going to be Russia. It’s going to be Cuba.”

On Obama: “This president was raised marxist. His parents, his grandparents, his college professors, his whole life, he’s been immersed in marxism, even his church. Jeremiah Wright did not preach Christianity. He preached black liberation theology, which is marxism disguised as religion.”

On the Republican candidates: “Republicans and the Democrats are looking the same these days. Newt Gingrich and Mitt are socialists. I think Santorum is the only conservative.”

On government: “Most of our government is run by socialists right now,” Jackson explained. “And Obama is a communist. He just passed a law that the Catholics can’t do what they want in their own hospitals. We have forced slavery of the black community. Listen to the black conservatives who have escaped the slavery the Democrats put them under.”

Confusion: “We should vote on everything — of course we should vote on everything,” she said. But then she changed her mind: “Oh no, I believe in a republic where we should have elected officials. Democracy turns into mob-ocracy.”

But in California the people voted on civil marriage, she is told, so what happened in California was mob rule, right?

“No, um, it was a judge. It was judge,” she answers, hesitating. “I don’t know. You’re confusing me. I’m a beginner political activist.”

On gay marriage: “That’s not marriage,” Jackson explains. “It’s in the Bible. God created it. He did not create gay marriage. He created man and woman marriage — duh!”

Yeah, you guys, duh! Gosh! You just don’t get it.

Victoria Jackson: “Some People Thought I Was A Genius, Some People Thought I Was Retarded”

A photo of Victoria Jackson

In the past, we’ve talked about how former Saturday Night Live cast member Victoria Jackson is a total bigot who also might be insane. But listen. We haven’t seen anything yet.

In this amazing interview, we get to hear from Victoria herself, as well as her family. And please believe me when I say that the apple doesn’t fall far from the crazy tree.

Here’s how the article begins, ok? This is the opening paragraph:

Victoria Jackson doesn’t want to meet at her house. “The Nation of Islam wants to kill me,” she explains apologetically in her inimitable shrill voice. Instead, she picks up a reporter at a Miami-area strip mall. Her weathered Honda Civic is adorned with “Nobama,” Marco Rubio, and Tea Party bumper stickers, and inside, it smells like it’s been fumigated with sweet incense.

And it gets so, so much better.

Victoria’s driving technique: She hurtles through intersections and down side streets, holding a Flip cam to her face with her left hand. Steering with elbows and the occasional pinkie, she opens a Bible inscribed with her name and quotes Scripture. Then she turns the camera on a reporter riding shotgun, whom she suspects is a socialist. “Don’t you think that some people are on welfare from cradle to grave,” she demands, ploddingly, “because the government is encouraging them never to work?”

Her sense of humor: “What if we crashed and died on video?” she says, laughing wildly. “That would be the most viral video of the world! You’d be dead, but you’d have a really viral video!”

Victoria’s parents: Marlene Jackson pulls out a throne-like seat for a male visitor to the family’s modest Miami Shores home. “That’s the master’s chair,” Victoria’s mom declares cheerily. “The man is the master.”

Then she delivers cookies and Coca-Cola in old-timey bottles, just the way Victoria’s dad [Jim] likes them.

Like father, like daughter: Soon, Jim begins with booming recollections of his youth as a champion gymnast. “I’m homophobic,” he announces while describing why he doesn’t like to strip in male locker rooms. “I also don’t like fat people. Every time I see a 300-to 400-pound lady or a man sit down to stuff her face, I want to say, ‘No, you fool! You’re killing yourself!’”

Then he adds for good measure: “Our son is 300 pounds.”

Victoria on eating disorders: Jim Jackson believed his family had a gene that inclined them toward obesity. “He said I was ‘genetically inferior,’” Victoria says. “I think it made me nuts. That’s probably where my eating disorders came from.”

Are you as mesmerized as I am?  Then let’s continue, because I assure you, it only gets better from here.  Victoria’s dad makes a joke about how babies who have been aborted would have voted for Obama!  How can you deny yourself this?

Read More

Just in Case You Were Wondering, Victoria Jackson Is Still Crazy

A photo of Victoria Jackson

I don’t know if you guys remember, but former SNL cast member Victoria Jackson is out of her damn mind. If you don’t remember, let me just tell you that she told her daughter that she couldn’t say the word “fart” because it would lead to heroin use. Got it? Ok, then let’s hear all about how the Muslim Brotherhood is infiltrating the government:

“I just went to a briefing in Washington DC, across the street from the Capitol, at the Longworth building at 8:30 am two days ago and it changed my life. For six hours, I saw pictures and names and dates and facts and Islamic law books and Korans, Surahs for six hours and they proved to me… that the Muslim Brotherhood has infiltrated our highest positions in government and this is serious.”

While she says that the meeting forever changed her, Jackson has already long claimed that Muslims — led by secret Muslim and terrorist sympathizer President Obama — are quietly taking over the United States government. She also has famously taken umbrage with gays and “Glee,” including a highly publicized string of attacks last March.

“This new al-Qaida magazine for women has beauty tips and suicide-bomber tips! Gimme a break!” she wrote in a blog post for World Net Daily. “That is as ridiculous as two men kissing on the mouth! And I don’t care what is politically correct. Everyone knows that two men on a wedding cake is a comedy skit, not an ‘alternate lifestyle’! There I said it! Ridiculous!”

“Michelle [sic] Bachmann and Rick Santorum are the only GOP candidates so far to acknowledge the above facts and warn against the present threat of Islamic Law replacing our Constitution,” Jackson concluded in her blog post on the ex-FBI briefing. In a Fox News appearance early in December, she called Bachmann “my girl” and said, “Very few people in America are informed and educated as I am.”

Oh my goodness, what? There are too many bits of absurdity in here, I don’t even know where to start. She’s going to briefings in D.C.? Michele Bachmann is “her girl”? “That’s a comedy skit, not an alternative lifestyle”? You know I love me some crazy, but even crazy has its limits.