Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Martha Stewart has some “advice” for Gwyneth Paltrow

martha stewart gwyneth paltrow

If there’s one thing we all need to learn in life, it’s this: do not fuck with Martha Stewart. She is not here for anyone’s bullshit. Also, she is not here for your copycat “lifestyle guru” nonsense because she did it first and she does it best, so sit down and stay in your lane. She had to put Blake Lively in her place and now she’s doing it to Gwyneth Paltrow, which is pretty much the best thing EVER (because who among us doesn’t dream of telling Gwyneth Paltrow off?).

From Page Six:

“She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart.”

LOL DAAAAAAAAMN. Martha Stewart is so ice cold… but she’s completely correct. No one is saying (at least I’m not) that a woman has to stick to one thing and can never do anything but the thing she’s known for, but to pretend as if Gwyneth Paltrow has any credibility whatsoever when it comes to telling anyone how to live their lives when she advocates eating 700 calories per day and says she’d rather kill herself than let her kids eat Cup-o-Noodles (FOOL!). I’m Team Martha all the way, on this matter and most others, as it happens.

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Some guy told Beyonce she can’t sing and her response was excellent

beyonce

I don’t know who in their right mind (which is, perhaps, the point) would go to a Beyonce concert just to hold up a sign that says she can’t sing, but I guess to each his own. That’s what some weirdo did nearly a year ago, and we’re only now seeing the video of how the incident unfolded now.

I won’t ruin it for you – just sit back and enjoy:

Well, that’s him told. Look, if you really don’t like someone/something, how about just, you know, getting a life and shutting up about it? NO ONE CARES. If you DO like something but you act like you don’t just to create drama/get attention, the advice is the same: get a life. No time for cornballs like this dude.

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Robert Pattinson got married in Vegas last year

laura adkins robert pattinson

Yes, that’s a purposely misleading headline. Robert Pattinson wasn’t even in Las Vegas last year most likely, but a cardboard cutout of him was, and one hardcore Twilight fan decided she was so in love with it that she’d marry it, and that’s exactly what she did. Laura Adkins is 25 and batshit crazy, but she doesn’t seem to think so. Her marriage is made in heaven and she couldn’t be happier.

From The Mirror:

She says: “We got hitched in Las Vegas last year and I’m sure we’re happier than most newlyweds. “People might think I’m crazy but my flat-pack R-Patz is the closest I’ll get to the real thing and he’s the one for me.

“For as long as I can remember I’ve been ­obsessed with romantic fairytale endings.”When I was a child, I watched the Disney ­versions of Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs and Cinderella until the tapes wore out.”

LOL, well, okay. Apparently when Twilight came out, Laura was feeling particularly disillusioned with dating since every guy she was with just disappointed her in some way. When she read the series, she became absolutely obsessed and was insistent that Edward Cullen – and by extension, Robert Pattinson – was the perfect man for her. Then she saw a 6 foot tall cardboard cut-out of him in a record shop and her world changed forever:

“Of course he was made from cardboard, but that didn’t matter to me. Suddenly I was taken over with an urge to have him.

“I grabbed his rigid torso and stuffed him under my arm before marching to the counter and handing over a $20 note.

“Then, cramming him into my car I headed back to my apartment where I ripped off his cellophane and stood him at the foot of my bed. For the rest of the night I couldn’t take my eyes off him.

“Then I started thinking – the guys I’d dated before had all been so hopeless, I might as well have been with a cardboard cut-out. So where was the shame in taking him out with me?”

HAHAHAHAH. But wait, it gets better! Laura started taking the cutout with her to restaurants and the movie theatre – anywhere, really. Her friends (yes, surprisingly she still had some left) thought she was nuts and one of them jokingly made the mistake of saying, “If you love him so much, why don’t you marry him?” So, uh… she did.

“I walked down the aisle in January in the white wedding dress I’ve always dreamt of. I held the reception at an art gallery and ordered champagne and a five-tier cake to share with my 50 guests.

“The day cost £2,000 but I didn’t care – I wanted to do it properly. We had our honeymoon in LA and I wanted us to climb up to the Hollywood sign together. I had to carry him, and we had to do it at night because he can’t be in the sun. But everyone makes sacrifices for the man they love, right?”

This is a joke, right? It has to be a joke. I refuse to believe that someone this mentally ill has not been sectioned and committed to a mental institution, where she so clearly belongs. Also, she doesn’t seem to know who she loves – Robert Pattinson or Edward Cullen. Edward is a vampire and can’t be in the sun, but Robert is a human (AND CARDBOARD ISN’T REAL) so… what gives? I don’t think I should think about this anymore or my brain will explode.
Lauren-Adkins-and-Robert-Pattinson-cutout

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