Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Let Gwyneth Paltrow Supply You with All Your Holiday Needs

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

It’s that time of year, friends. It’s the time when a great deal of us will give and receive gifts to celebrate a significant religious event or to go along with other people who are celebrating a significant religious event so we can get presents too, or just because it feels nice to decorate trees and bake cookies and feel like other people actually believe in peace on earth and goodwill towards men. It’s The Holidays, friends. The big ones.

And that’s where Gwyneth Paltrow comes in. She understands the situation that a lot of you are in: you’re poor people with no sense of style or decorum, but you still have to give presents to people so they’ll still like you and invite you to their parties. She understands, and she wants to help. And that’s why she wants you to buy this shit on her site!

If you go on over to Goop, you can check out the holiday items that Gwyneth has to offer. There aren’t any elaborate gifts or anything like that, no, Gwyneth wants you to focus on the important stuff. And that’s the presentation.

Here are some cards that she wants you to buy. There are ten of them, and, as you can see, they read “Happy Everything,” so you can send them to pretty much whoever. And all ten cards come with that nice brown envelope pictured! For just $30, these cards can be yours:

But here’s the big thing: the presents! They need to be presented well, and they need to look good. And that’s why you need this Goopy wrapping paper! If you order this, you get four whole rolls of reversible paper, and 18 whole tags! The best part? It will just cost you $52! Check it out:

Does it feel like we’re forgetting something? It’s because we are! It’s those wonderful holiday family portraits! Gwyneth isn’t about to leave you high and dry on that front, so she’s offering you a pack of 50 cards (all with their own envelopes again!), and all you have to do is slap your picture on it and send it off! This little package will only run you $150. But, as you can see, it’s so worth it:

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow

Thanks, Gwyneth! You never fail us!

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