Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Victoria Jackson: “Some People Thought I Was A Genius, Some People Thought I Was Retarded”

A photo of Victoria Jackson

In the past, we’ve talked about how former Saturday Night Live cast member Victoria Jackson is a total bigot who also might be insane. But listen. We haven’t seen anything yet.

In this amazing interview, we get to hear from Victoria herself, as well as her family. And please believe me when I say that the apple doesn’t fall far from the crazy tree.

Here’s how the article begins, ok? This is the opening paragraph:

Victoria Jackson doesn’t want to meet at her house. “The Nation of Islam wants to kill me,” she explains apologetically in her inimitable shrill voice. Instead, she picks up a reporter at a Miami-area strip mall. Her weathered Honda Civic is adorned with “Nobama,” Marco Rubio, and Tea Party bumper stickers, and inside, it smells like it’s been fumigated with sweet incense.

And it gets so, so much better.

Victoria’s driving technique: She hurtles through intersections and down side streets, holding a Flip cam to her face with her left hand. Steering with elbows and the occasional pinkie, she opens a Bible inscribed with her name and quotes Scripture. Then she turns the camera on a reporter riding shotgun, whom she suspects is a socialist. “Don’t you think that some people are on welfare from cradle to grave,” she demands, ploddingly, “because the government is encouraging them never to work?”

Her sense of humor: “What if we crashed and died on video?” she says, laughing wildly. “That would be the most viral video of the world! You’d be dead, but you’d have a really viral video!”

Victoria’s parents: Marlene Jackson pulls out a throne-like seat for a male visitor to the family’s modest Miami Shores home. “That’s the master’s chair,” Victoria’s mom declares cheerily. “The man is the master.”

Then she delivers cookies and Coca-Cola in old-timey bottles, just the way Victoria’s dad [Jim] likes them.

Like father, like daughter: Soon, Jim begins with booming recollections of his youth as a champion gymnast. “I’m homophobic,” he announces while describing why he doesn’t like to strip in male locker rooms. “I also don’t like fat people. Every time I see a 300-to 400-pound lady or a man sit down to stuff her face, I want to say, ‘No, you fool! You’re killing yourself!’”

Then he adds for good measure: “Our son is 300 pounds.”

Victoria on eating disorders: Jim Jackson believed his family had a gene that inclined them toward obesity. “He said I was ‘genetically inferior,’” Victoria says. “I think it made me nuts. That’s probably where my eating disorders came from.”

Are you as mesmerized as I am?  Then let’s continue, because I assure you, it only gets better from here.  Victoria’s dad makes a joke about how babies who have been aborted would have voted for Obama!  How can you deny yourself this?

On gymnastics: Her childhood was spent on balance beams and parallel bars. From age 4, she could do a handstand, a move that would make her famous on SNL.

Nearly every hour that wasn’t spent in school or church, she practiced in their yard or at a nearby gym. She would tumble on gravel until her hands were bloody. “I did not like gymnastics at all,” Victoria says. “My hands were ripped. My hip bones had bruises on them. My knees are permanently injured. My neck got cracked once. I mean, doing 200 situps is not fun.”

Victoria’s brother: “We thought he was stupid,” Jim Sr. says of his son, who is now a Los Angeles architect. The kid’s crime: being born after Victoria, making him too small for Dad’s elaborate male-and-female gymnastic routine called adagio. “I was a disappointment at birth,” Jim Jr. says.

Victoria’s childhood dreams: When her dad asked what she wanted to do with her life, she remembers earnestly replying, “I’d like to be Julie Andrews on the top of a mountain singing with my children in matching outfits with a ukulele.”

On the beginnings of her comedy career: “Some people thought I was a genius,” Victoria recalls. “Some people thought I was retarded.”

On losing her virginity: If I married him, it wouldn’t be such a bad sin, she thought. If I don’t marry him, God will say, “She’s a slut.”

On reaching out to the heathens on SNL: When Victoria left audiocassette box sets of the Bible in each castmate’s mail slot for Christmas, they were angrily returned.

Writer and performer Al Franken, now a Democratic U.S. senator for Minnesota, cornered her once, Victoria says. He said he was “offended” by her “ditsy” act. “Maybe I’m overcompensating,” she retorted, “because everybody here is dying and going to Hell, and I’m supposed to tell them about Jesus.”

Franken went white, she says. “He never talked to me again.”

On past relationships: “I kind of had a crush on Weird Al Yankovic,” Victoria confesses. “We kind of went on a date, but I don’t know if he loved me or not.”

On the gays: She recounts taking her youngest daughter, 17-year-old Aubrey, to a “gay party” held by Victoria’s “newest gay friend, Seth.” (Victoria claims to have three gay friends — Seth, Alex, and Glen — and she makes frequent mention of them.)

“After we left, I asked my daughter what she thought,” Victoria says, her eyeglasses missing an earpiece and tilting down her nose. “She said, ‘It felt like they were sad and ashamed.’ Out of the mouth of babes!

“If you get killed because you’re gay, the murderer gets extra time. It’s hilarious! Alcoholism is a sin too, but you don’t see an alcoholic pride parade. Alcoholics hide in little rooms in basements and they go, ‘Hi, I’m Fred.’”

On abortion: “The Ten Commandments have been kicked out of schools. We’re killing 37 hundred-something-thousand babies a day… I don’t know, 37 hundred a day or something like that. A million a day, I don’t know. I’m not good with numbers. We’re killing lots of babies every day. It’s infanticide. Its genocide. We are… How can God bless our country, seriously?”

On common sense: “I feel like I’m the only person who has reason, common sense, and sanity.”

A conversation between Victoria and her parents: The conversation swerves to Obama’s chances for re-election. “I think he has a good chance,” Victoria says, “because the Latins will vote for him. The illegal aliens will vote for him.”

“Illegals can’t vote!” her dad interrupts. “How can they?”

Victoria is stumped. “Because… because of cheating.”

As Victoria gets up to leave, father and daughter continue the list of who will vote for Obama: The liberals. The gays. The Muslims.

Says Jim: “Those who were aborted would if they were alive.”

The family bursts into manic laughter. “Jim!” Marlene says. “You made a joke!”

Is this all for real, or is Victoria Jackson just making this super elaborate joke?  No, she’s not funny enough for that, is she? Oh heavens.

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