Hell, I didn’t even know she could read. I’m pretty sure they get into the really, really in-depth English stuff in the 9th grade, and I’m not sure she actually made it there (she was probably preparing for her bachelorette party or choosing wedding flowers or something), so unless the book is Go, Dog, Go! or Snooki’s latest monstrosity, I’m willing to bet her purchases didn’t exactly top the charts in classical reading. I mean, hell, you even need a reading level of grade 12 to understand Roots, so I’m not exactly giving her the benefit of the doubt here, guys.

I don’t know, though – maybe I should. Courtney here seems to be the master of alliteration, and to be that good requires a relatively strong, healthy vocabulary. Courtney would need a good, strong vocabulary to circumnavigate constant conquests of converging beyond constant, catty, completely cantankerous criticism closing in concisely around her. But COURTNEY CAN’T CAPITULATE.

Here are some of her most recent Tweets, and if this doesn’t kick your New Year off in the right direction, well, friends. You’re probably better off back in 2011 where Kim Kardashian‘s Kohl’s Kollection hit stores and people actually kared.

From Courtney’s Twitter:

“Soakin up my bikini bod in a very heated hot tub overlooking LA as my charming new guard flauntingly feeds me chocolate dipped strawberries.”

Right. And:

“Had such a vivacious adventure @ Venice Beach today. Now its time for this tasty temptress to tiptoe into 2012 – HAPPY NEW YEAR! Muah XOs…”

And of course, we can’t forget about how she spends her mornings:

“Placed outside on my patio –provocatively wrapped in a sheer white sheet while enjoying the morning shine & a savory berry breakfast. Muah!”

Lastly, what would life be like if we weren’t subjected to constant Tweets about her and her grandpa’s sex life?:

“Romance becomes restless as I angelically swing above the bed wearing nothing but wings! Sweet dreams XOs”

Each and every time girlfriend appears on my Twitter feed, I know that I’m in for a pleasant surprise, and incidentally, I have a feeling that 2012 is going to be her year. The Year of Courtney Stodden. The Year of the Classy, Beautiful Edge of Old Hollywood brought to you explicitly by Courtney Stodden. I mean, has anyone actually ever died of anticipation? This girl’s going to be the first victim.

My head’s positively spinning. Courtney Stodden’s already been so busy this year, you guys. What have you done in the last forty-eight hours that’s actually made any difference, huh?

7 Responses to “Gee, Courtney Stodden, I Didn’t Know You Liked Books”

1. MissLeeLoo says:

   January 2, 2012 at 10:50 am

   I’m not even going to get started on anything else, but those shoes fit her like shit! I guess they teach kids toes need to be in INSIDE shoes in grade 9 too…

   Reply
2. Kate says:

   January 2, 2012 at 11:26 am

   Hahaha, I misread your headline. I thought it said,
   “Gee, Courtney Stodden, I didn’t know you liked boobs.”

   We know she likes HER boobs…

   Reply
3. SolitaryAngel says:

   January 2, 2012 at 12:08 pm

   One foot, two foot. Hayfoot, clawfoot. O_0

   Reply
4. Agnes says:

   January 2, 2012 at 3:35 pm

   Where do they live that she’s always in a tank top and skirt? A hot house with a steady temp of 95? Who’s her “new guard”? Is this performance art? So many questions.

   Reply
5. lucky says:

   January 2, 2012 at 5:15 pm

   that dam mother of hers its not courtney’s fault that trampy mother of hers!!!! I know the truth !

   Reply
6. blasted1 says:

   January 2, 2012 at 11:07 pm

   I can’t begin to imagine how you “flauntingly feed” anybody…..but, I digress. A “very” hot tub? Let me message mad Mel that there is a jive-ass jerk with giant jugs in a jacuzzi who will just jauntily jump on his geriatric johnson.

   Reply
7. LegalEase says:

   January 3, 2012 at 7:45 am

   That fucking arm band kills me

   Reply

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