Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Jesse James Is Totally Cool, You Guys

Jesse James poses with the love of his life, Jesse James

I woke up last night in a cold sweat. I sat up in the pitch-black darkness, pressing my clammy fingers against my damp brow. I dabbed at my forehead with the sheet—Egyptian Pima, 300-count—as I tried to catch my breath. Oh! Oh, God! I thought to myself. Oh, God! I hope Jesse James is okay.

I needn’t have worried! According to the NY Daily News, Jesse James phoned into Australia’s Kyle and Jackie O Show, as part of his American Outlaw promotional rounds, and assured the radio hosts he is doing just fine:

When asked whether or not he forgave himself for cheating on Bullock with reportedly seven women over the course of their marriage, James, 42, replied, “Oh yeah. I’m cool.”

Wow. Jesse James is so strong. It must take an entire catalogue of moral virtues—like acceptance, mercy, resilience, and emotional generosity—to be able to forgive himself so quickly, and with such certainty!

James also said,

Yes, I cheated on my wife, but so do a lot of other people. Does that mean I’m the devil? Or that I’m Satan? I don’t think so. I made a mistake and I’m sorry for it, but I owned up to it.

Something about that quote rings jarringly familiar…! Ah, yes. From May of this year: “I never shied away from anything I did. I took full responsibility. I cheated on my wife. Guess what? So do millions of other men.”

Oh, Jesse James! If only everyone else could stop self-flagellating over itty-bitty mistakes and learn, instead, to rationalize a total lack of transcend ordinary human crutches like guilt, restraint, fidelity, and integrity.

5 CommentsLeave a comment

  • Holy cow! The secret of the universe!
    All of those religions had it wrong when they were talking about being pious, and moral, and behaving properly. And all that stuff about if you do screw up, you have atone and do penance and possibly go to Hell.
    I now see that the truth is, you can do whatever nasty thing you want to do to somebody else. You don’t have to apologize or make amends or even feel the slightest bit guilty.
    You just have to say “Yeah, I did [whatever it was you did]” And you’re good. End of story.
    I wish I had learned this earlier.

    • “Yes, I poisoned your mother. There, I said it! What a load off! No hard feelings, brah.” Absolved like a charm.

      • lol he didnt poison anyone tho, what he did was fucked up, but only for him and his ex. how long has this shit been goin on? months? didnt they divorce? im defending the guy but damn, no one has ever cheated and got caught? how long would you answer questions about it? get the fuck over it

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