Charlie Sheen had a very exciting week this week, as Charlie Sheen is apt to do. I realize that many people ache for this kind of wild adventure, and because I sympathize with those people, I decided to take the events of Charlie Sheen’s week and use them to create a guide for you guys so you can have adventures of your very own.
Step One: Come out of your regular coke haze long enough to realize that your popular television show is on hiatus for the week. Start getting pumped for shenanigans.
Step Two: Chill until Tuesday night so you can be well rested for your 36-hour binger.
Step Three: When Tuesday night rolls around, invite over a few porn stars, women of ill repute, one or two of your buddies, and a dude with a briefcase full of cocaine.
Step Four: Before you get too wasted, be sure to do something creative that makes you happy – for instance, you could have a nice dinner with your realtor, some porn stars, and Vanna White’s ex-husband and make a deal to rent the former Mr. White’s estate for a few months so you can create a “porn family” just down the street from you.
Step Five: Spend the next day and a half with those ladies, that briefcase full of cocaine, your booze, that happy dream of a porn family, and no remorse.
Step Six: By Thursday morning, around 7 AM, it’s likely that your body isn’t going to be able to handle the full extent of Step Five, so make sure you have one of your ladies call an ambulance for you so you can be rushed to the hospital with “severe abdominal pains” or something along those lines.
Step Seven: Find out that you have a hiatal hernia, “a condition in which a portion of the stomach protrudes upward into the chest, through an opening in the diaphragm.” Spend most of Thursday recuperating in the hospital before going home later that night.
Step Eight: Refuse rehab and make plans to go right back to work the next week so you can have all this fun again in the near future!