ANNA FARIS WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.
US Magazine wonders whether this is a wig, and that is some wishful thinking, US Magazine. It’s like, just, OK, this is not a wig; if only this were a wig.
Anna Faris is a natural blonde—I know, I know, not that natural, I do have eyes—and until a couple weeks ago her bobbed haircut was so pretty and glossy and, well, kind of wig-like. But we loved it, right? It was such fun, happy hair, for happier, funner times.
But this new look is… dour, somehow? Whose idea was this hair? It’s awful. It’s so brown. It’s so short, so brown. I can’t wrap my head around the wherefores, but her haircut somehow makes her look her age, and in the worst possible way (SHE’S 34). This is Mom Hair.
And I’ll tell you what else. I love short hair. Short hair is the best. I got my first pixie cut when I was 18, trying to cash in on my “elfin chic.” But I absolutely did not know what I was doing, what with the whole new world of pomades and sprays and gels opened up to me. And so I had a serious, retroactively-humiliating case of the Crispies. Every strand of hair was immutable. My hair was so crispy, I once leaned in for a kiss and poked the guy IN HIS EYE with my anime hair.
A few years slipped by before I really understood how to make my short hair not-crispy. You think it’s easy? It isn’t. I have trodden this path before, and it was a long, hard road.
So I think I can understand what’s happening here: Anna Faris woke up Monday morning, showered, pooled a dollop of expensive product in the palm of her left hand, rubbed her hands together, ran her palms through her too-short ‘do, picked at her bangs for a minute, and then shouted, “Good to go!” And then Anna Faris high-fived the mirror, leaving a smudgy little handprint made of Pureology residue.
NO, ANNA FARIS. NO. You were not good-to-go! Contrary to whatever your liar stylist told you, this is not “wake up in the morning and go directly outside” hair. Short hair is an entirely new language. Learn your hair, my beloved Anna Faris. LEARN YOUR HAIR.
I am only telling you this because I love you. I will check in from time to time to see how you’re doing.