Today's Evil Beet Gossip

There Are More Assholes on This Year’s Dancing With the Stars Than I Can Shake a Stick At

Oh, Lordy. Have you heard the partial list of who’s appearing on this upcoming season of Dancing With the Stars? Because it’s a doozy. A motherfucking doozy. Like, ‘doozy’ as in ‘you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting some of the most obnoxious people on the planet.’

In order of best to worst, I give you the almost-complete list of DWTS contenders.

Kurt Warner – an NFL player who helped win the Superbowl back in 1998. I don’t know much about him, and I’m not going to Google him because, frankly, I’m not interested in finding anything out. Point is, DWTS has its token athlete, like it or not, and that’s just fine by me.

Audrina Patridge – Oh, for crying out loud. Watching this woman dance onstage is going to be akin to watching a blind man crossing the street. To music.

Brandy – Maybe she can spend the entire season telling the paparazzi to lay off of her, and bloggers to leave her alone — or better yet, she can pull a Kate Gosselin and do her little “Paparazzi” dance. That’d go over well. And it’d be poetic, too, because Brandy actually meant something to Hollywood once. You know, back when ‘That Boy is Mine’ was cool and it was the ‘in’ thing to do to star in movies like I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (and yes, I really did like those movies).

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino – As I’m sure you can understand, I’m really, really looking forward to seeing Mike Sorrentino’s greasy abs ‘creep’ and ‘beat up the beat’ all over the stage, ’cause he’s so underexposed as it is. And you know this shithead is going to win. You just KNOW it. He’ll probably pull Chippendale moves every week, because that’ll mean he’ll only have to wear a bowtie and no shirt. Uh, bonus?

So thanks, ABC. I didn’t watch Dancing With the Stars before, and I’m definitely not going to start now.

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  • Well … you’re amazingly pissed off about the contestants this season considering you claim to have never watched it nor are you going to. Do you always get so worked up about shows you’ve never watched or don’t plan on watching?

    BTW, this blog is amatuer hour as far as spam prevention goes. Just about every post. Get your tech guys to install Akismet FFS. Presumably the corporate overlords will allow you the $5/mth subscription…

  • Dear sexy Mrs Audrina Patridge,here is a rap/hip hop song that I wrote for you,it is called Dangerous,and it was originally rapped and sang by the rapper named Kardinal Offishall featuring the singer named Akon,but dear sexy Princess Mrs Audrina Patridge,I wrote my own rap/hip hop song for you,to the instrumental,of Dangerous,using ma own lyrics,plus I renamed this song for you because you’re a good girl,and I renamed this song and named it
    Hello Precious.So here is my rap song that I wrote for you,using my own lyrics to the instrumental of the rap song named Dangerous.

    Renamed Song Title:Hello Precious

    My chorus for you sexy Mrs Audrina Patridge:

    Hey babe,roll with,me please,chill,with me,honey,cause,I think,you’re,very sweet,dressing,very neat,when,you’re stepping,on the scenes,dressing,very clean,baby,model,with,me please.Model babe,strike,a nice pose,hey,girl,you’re so,sexy,from your,head,to your toes,hitting,up the malls,let’s,shop,strike a pose,turn around,baby girl,strike another pose.

    Verse 1 for you dear:Let’s roll,stroll,let’s chill,I’m real,baby,do you wanna,chill,inside,the buildings,downtown,that’s for,real,girl,the way,you smile,makes me,happy,all the time,sunshine,girl,please,be mine,I’m kind,girl,plus you’re,fine,girl,I’m polite,all the time,that’s no,lie,girl,you’re so fine,like,the diamonds,you shine.

  • Hello Ms Patridge,here is a reggae song that I wrote for you,my dear,it is called Party in Session,and it was originally sang,by the reggae singers,named Kymani Marley featuring Beenie Man,Buju Banton and Mr.Vegas,but dear Ms Patridge,I wrote my own reggae song,for ya,to the instrumental of Party In Session,with my own words.This is ma song for you.

    Song Title:Party In Session

    Ma Chorus:Get down,bay-bay,turn,around,for the crowds,that,are your fans,babe,in the town,where you’re,from,represent,wear the crown,you’re,the best,babe.

    My verse,which is verse 1:I’LL,put it,down,for you,babe,it’s,all free,pretty honey,don’t,need no money,babe,check,this song,that I wrote,it’s no joke,girl,I took,a smoke,so I started to quote,girlfriend,the way that you,model,in your,clothes,is sexy,next to,me,is hennessy,so,I took,a shot,babe,and relaxed,stating,all the facts,in this,track,that,you’re hot,always on the top,of the charts,that’s a fact,sexy,truly,and sincerely.

  • Dear sexy Princess Mrs Audrina Patridge,here,is a rap/hip hop song that I wrote for you,it is called Da Art Of Storytelling Part 1,and it was originally,rapped by a rap group,named Outkast featuring another rapper named Slick Rick,but dear sexy,Mrs Princess Audrina Patridge,I wrote my own rap/hip hop,song for you,to the beat/instrumental of Da Art Of Storytelling Part 1,using my own,lyrics,plus I changed the original name of this song for you,and renamed it Throw Your Hands Up,so here is my rap song for you that I wrote to the beat/instrumental of Da Art Of Storytelling Part 1.
    Can I marry you Sexy Mrs Princess Audrina Patridge????

    The renamed song title:Throw Your Hands Up

    My chorus written to the instrumental of Da Art Of Storytelling Part 1:
    Take,a walk downtown,with me girl,in Toronto,in the city,let’s,live it up,spending up,all ma money,for,you,girl,rule,the world,be ma girl,baby,girl,I like your curves.

    Verse 1:In your,city,baby girl,you’re the best,you wear the crown,live it up,sexy princess,success to ya love,with no stress,guess what,I’LL buy,you sexy girl,a silver treasure chest,what’s next for,you baby,more success,what’s on your schedule,you can lay your head on my chest.Party up,sexy girl,with no contest,a hundred,more blessings,for you girl,baby,you’re the best.

  • Hello Mrs Patridge,I wrote you a hip hop song,and the name of this song is called Over,and it was originally rapped by a rapper named,Drake,but dear sexy Princess Mrs Audrina Patridge,I changed the original name of this song for you,and I renamed it,Smash Them Haters,and I wrote my own rap song for ya,to the instrumental of Over with ma own,words.
    Ma song for you,sexy Princess Audrina Patridge.

    Renamed Song Title:Smash Them Haters

    Chorus:Hi babe,bay-bay,on friday,let’s play,can we getaway,to a better place,bay-bay,a nicer place,like my space,you’re so sexy babe,next to me,bay-bay,you can sit,and have a drink,if you drink,babe,or I think,bay-bay,we can chill,and spend some time,then go shopping babe.

    Verse 1 for you sexy Mrs Princess Audrina:Two,three,four,more money,boo,more love for you,more blessings,too,plus,you’re so cool,plus,you’re true,and,you’re so cool,baby girl,you’re smooth,baby girl,you’re cute,baby girl,I know you rule.

  • Hi,this song is for sexy Mrs Patridge,it is a reggae song,and the name of this song is called Stop From Quarrel,and it was originally sang by a reggae singer named Sizzla,but dear sexy Mrs Patridge,I renamed this song for you,and changed it to Dear Princess Patridge,but I still wrote this song to the instrumental of Stop From Quarrel,using ma own lyrics,so this is my song for Mrs Audrina that I wrote to the instrumental of Stop From Quarrel,using my own lyrics.In this song the word bay-bay means baby,and the word lay-day means lady.

    My renamed song title:Dear Princess Patridge

    Ma chorus for sexy Princess Audrina Patridge:

    So girl,dress cool,in the magazines,sexy girl,you’re so smooth,and so true,girl,love,you rule,girl,I’m into school,and I wish you love,too,you’re the best,girl.

    My verse 1 for Audrina Patridge:

    Get dress up,hey sexy girl,everyday you’ll,get bless up,hey sexy girl,no,way,on earth they can’t,test us,never get,fed up,baby girl,you’ll,get bless up,never get,depressed,baby girl,or get stress up,always looking good,girl,sexy,stay dress up,heads up,hey,babe,and never give up,wear your lipsticks,girl,cause,you’re,so precious,precious,more than diamonds,girl,never vicious,flourishing,like the righteous,and,so precious,honey,keep your head up.

  • This song is for Mrs Audrina,it is called Nuh Fraid A Dem,it is a reggae song,and it was originally,sang by Mavado,but dear sexy Mrs Princess Audrina Patridge,I wrote ma own reggae/love song to ya,to the instrumental of Nuh Fraid A Dem,using ma own words.

    Song Title:Nuh Fraid A Dem

    My Chorus for Mrs Patridge:Bay-bay,shout,up for,joy again,the God from Zion,will,wrath,on them,HIM,will do them,like Pharoah them,yo,this kid name,Ike,him not,scared,of them,you’re so nice,on the scenes,again,of ya sets,in ya jets,get praised,again,Jah will do them like Pharoah,them,babe,this boy,name Ike I’m not scared of them.

  • Dear Princess Audrina Patridge,may The One and true Conquering Lion From The Tribe Of Judah,HIM Emperor Haile Selassie I,who went to church with his titles of HIM Emperor Haile Selassie I The 1st,King Of Kings,Lord Of Lords,bless ya,and honour you