Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Gisele Bundchen is More Perfect Than You’ll Ever Know

Just weeks after thrusting a living thing out of her nether regions, Gisele Bundchen takes the cover of April’s Vogue and looks as if she never experienced the horrors of pregnancy.  Ever.

Bundchen gave one of those water-births where you peacefully soak in a lukewarm tub in a dimmed room and it’s all peaceful and zen and shit and she didn’t “give birth”, her son “came through her body”, which sounds what like any delicate, virginal supermodel would go through during birth, naturally.  Bundchen claimed to only gain thirty pounds during her podding pregnancy and claimed to feel spiritual and empowered throughout the entire ordeal.

What Vogue didn’t tell you was that her Boston penthouse tub was probably filled with diamond-encrusted rose petals and Tom Brady was the one who gave birth instead.

Congrats on looking so post-pregnancy fabulous to the beautiful, peaceful, empowered Gisele who doesn’t even remotely look like she’s endured the rigors of ruptured facial veins due to eighty hours of pushing on a cold steel table or episiotomies and shitting all over yourself while screaming “You lousy fuck!” at your husband.

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      • I didn’t with my first but I’m mortified to inform the world that 2 weeks ago when I gave birth to my son- I totally crapped. The nurss said like 80% of women poop. The actual numbers are closer to 60% but that still means that more do than don’t!!

      • I have a good friend who is doing an OBGYN rotation in med school right now, and she said that, first of all, most women do poop during labor, but that the doctors and nurses have seen it all, and it seriously doesn’t even phase them. She said the absolute most disgusting thing about women in labor….is their breath. Seriously. She was like, “I can handle the poop and the blood and everything, because it’s the human body and it’s just normal, but these women have breath that could kill a horse.”

        Yeah. She told me this was because whenever women are admitted into the hospital in labor, they aren’t allowed to eat anything, and when they’re breathing hard and yelling in your face, it’s absolutely disgusting. She said she’d rather smell the poop. So don’t worry about pooping, just chew some gum before and you should spare yourself at least most of the embarassment. :)

      • I drank and ate- that’s why I pooped! when I got to the hospital I was dilated to 8 so I was home most of the labor. Then I got drymouth and they gave me ice chips. Don’t know if my breath was bad- can’t say I cared about that OR pooping before I got my epidural. I was trying to go natural too- that was before my prayers for more strength went un-answered! I guess I can just be happy I’ve had 2 uncomplicated vaginal births that resulted in 2 really cute, healthy and smart kids. And no tearing or episiotomy this time!

  • I guess something must be wrong with me because I don’t find her attractive. Not ugly at all, but not sexy either.
    She’s pretty stuck up for someone who made her money from taking pretty pictures, contributing nothing worthwhile to humanity and possess no known talents (taking pretty pictures and marketing herself aside).

    • i agree. she has an amazing body but a blah face. i dont think she is pretty at all. her title as the ´most beautiful woman on earth´ baffles me.

  • THIS broad! such a pretentious twat. that interview’s full of too many self-glorifying quotes to count….

  • i especially love the headlines all over the cover:

    “Fashion to flatter every figure”

    “A model fights her eating disorder.”

    What a load of crap these magazines feed women.

    Putting a women who seems incapable of respecting other women enough to not flaunt her small ass a couple weeks after birth along with those headlines!?!

    Also Giselle has nannies, cooks, dietitians and trainers at her fingertips, i seriously doubt she is up feeding the baby at 3am.

  • Haha! Love it! I hate when bitches go on and on about how labor didn’t hurt and it was this wonderful spiritual experience where the baby walked out of their vagina while the angels and Jesus sang. That is like how about 2% of births go. I could only wish that my own labor experience was like this…then again if I were a famous super model I wouldn’t be bragging too much about how the nurses had to shave my pubes because I went into labor earlier then expected and didn’t have time to do it myself….

    Her story annoys me about as much as when I hear celebrities claim they maintain their perfect weight simply by “chasing after their kids all day”……

  • She’d be a lot nicer if she bothered to give the rest of us peasants detailed ‘how-to” tips on labor/delivery and after-baby weight loss/getting back in shape.
    I’m sure the rest of us peasants could be just like her after that, since we clearly can all afford the personal trainers, chefs, nannies, housekeeprs and labor coaches, and since we all have her $$, her youth, her genetics and her unbelievably condescending attitude.

  • Who cares!!! My boyfriend thinks the same with me. He- is eight years older than me, lol. We met online at an age gap dating site- A_ge_m_in_g l e @ c//o//m a nice and free place for Younger- Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Maybe you wanna check out or- tell your friends.

  • Good God! The woman is beautiful… more beautiful than any of you will ever be… deal with it!