Is it wrong that I’m a little obsessed with Miley Cyrus? You know what? It’s definitely wrong. You know how I know that? Because I’m a heterosexual, 27-year-old female, and I’m watching this performance and thinking, “Holy shit that girl is hot.” So, I mean, Lord only knows what the men of the world are thinking about this child. I will be way, way more comfortable with everything about Miley Cyrus when she turns 18. Here’s Miley performing “Party in the USA” at some place that isn’t America on Wednesday. She dry-humps the air around 1:07 (thanks Cady for the heads-up!). I don’t think we can be upset about the dry-humping when we can see her damn butt cheeks hanging out of the bottom of her shorts. Oh, Miley, can you be an adult already so we can all stop being upset about the enormous sexuality with which you’ve been so successfully marketed?
Do you know who I am not obsessed with? This small child named Justin Bieber who sings the “One Less Lonely Girl” song. They never played it on the radio in Seattle, but I’ve been in Scottsdale the past week and it is all anyone ever plays on the radio. The first time I heard it I was like, “Oh, this is a lesbian singing a song. How lovely. Trite, but lovely.” Then, as it continued, I began to get an inkling that this might be a male singing. Then I asked about it on Twitter and I was informed that it was this Justin Bieber person I’ve been hearing about lately. And a reader on Facebook linked me to a fan page called No Justin Bieber you don’t love that girl, you’re 12, and I think that about sums up my feelings on the subject. I watched the song’s video (above), and all I could think was that if this child approached me on the street and wanted me to hand a piece of paper that said “I will shower you with kisses” to some girl, I would call both their parents immediately.
You know why I think I’m most upset about this? It’s obviously being marketed to really young girls, and the mere implication that a pre-teen girl needs a goddamn boyfriend to keep from being lonely is downright abhorrent. Girls, this concept that you should be dating and in love in middle school to keep from being sad and alone is a LIE THE MEDIA IS SELLING TO YOU. DON’T BUY IT. You don’t need anything to do on Valentine’s Day but your fucking homework. You have the rest of your life to fall in love, so take some time to learn math while someone’s still teaching it to you for free. Oh, and you know what’s not going to help you land a quality man when you are old enough to be dating? Miley-style booty shorts and public dry-humping. That’s a lie, too. Save that shit for the bedroom. You’re welcome for all the free advice.