Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Seriously, Watch This: Jack White Buys an Elephant Head

“I can’t believe that Danielle found a potential buyer for the elephant head so quickly!” is how this video begins.

“And I can’t believe it’s Jack White!” the man continues.

“If he’s really interested in the elephant head, then the huge risk I took is gonna pay off. If not, I’m gonna be out almost 10 grand!”

This is a great reality TV hook—10 thousand dollars are on the line, and it all hinges on eccentric celebrity Jack White!—in this special episode of History Channel’s American Pickers.

Mike and Frank go to meet their “potential buyer,” famed musician Jack White, whereupon they are transported into a wonderland of taxidermy and Day of the Dead dolls. Jack White immediately introduces the Pickers to “Miss Tempest Storm, the oldest burlesque dancer in the world!” he explains (she’s 84!).

The unveiling of elephant head in question is a truly morbid moment—I don’t think I expected such a grisly sight—and even Jack White is momentarily taken aback. Then he grins like a little kid. “That is the weirdest-looking giraffe I’ve ever seen,” he finally manages.

Read More

Morning Wood

photo of halle berry pictures photos
Somebody can apparently tolerate Halle Berry’s crazy. [The Superficial]

Congratulations to the cheater! [Lainey Gossip]

Amber Rose has proof that Kanye and Kim are hooking up. [Bossip]

Christina Aguilera says being a single parent has been “difficult.” [Starpulse]

Church says that Beyonce’s baby is “Satan on Earth.” [TMZ]

Justin Bieber is still a virgin, so that should dispel those paternity rumors. [The Blemish]

Bring your childhood back, one photo at a time. [theBERRY]

Michelle Obama goes to Hollywood, says she’s not an “angry black woman.” [Huff Po]

Lindsay Lohan really, really wants to play Elizabeth Taylor. [Hollywood Dame]

PHOTOS: Vanessa Hudgens can’t stop making out with Samantha Ronson. [Socialite Life]

A-Rod’s new lover seems like a nice guy. [The Superficial]

Jennifer Aniston is distraught that Justin Theroux didn’t propose over the holidays. [Cele|bitchy]

Neon Hitch can ‘F-ck You Betta’. [Popbytes]

Beyonce is an inconvenience. [IDLYITW]

Russell Brand Let the Porn World Know He Planned on Leaving Katy Perry Months Ago

So, as the headline reads, Russell Brand was even cluing in those caught in the skinfolds of entertainment that he was getting ready to gear up and cheat with other American sorority wimminz. If you can’t view the video for whatever reason, here’s really the only thing you need to know:

“I am going to meet people from sororities and fraternities. I don’t know what a sorority is except for what I have seen on Nudevista – that they are sort of sex clubs for women. A week of revolution and, more importantly, I am going to learn first-hand about sororities. [Brand takes wedding ring off] I’m just going to place this somewhere very, very safe for the next week.”

The video was posted on Nudevista, which is a porn site that caters to … well, I don’t know. Here’s my most generic of generic answers: People who look at porn. I was kind of afraid to visit the site, to be honest with you, after hearing that Russell himself had a weird sex fetish involving handicapped men in wheelchairs. Sorry, but that’s not stuff that I want to take the chance of possibly encountering, you know?

So, right. Katy Perry‘s estranged husband, a “reformed” sex addict, was chilling out on porno sites and possibly planning to embark on a US tour of American coed puss. She definitely chose a winner, there. The best thing about all this? Rumor has it that Katy’s traveled to the UK to persuade Russell to give their relationship another go.

But if Brand really did take a tour of the country’s best, would you still want him back? Wait, let’s scratch that from the record. Katy took Russell’s hand in marriage despite this kind of stuff. Maybe we’ll see a special appearance from Katy Perry on Nudevista sometime soon, too – just not for the reasons you might think.

Was Demi Lovato Dumped by Wilmer Valderrama?

photo of wilmer valderrama kissing demi lovato pictures dating photos pics breakup photo
Told you this was going to end well, yeah?

Yesterday, Demi Lovato posted a few choice – wait for it, wait for it – Marilyn Monroe quotes about how a woman doesn’t need a man, and how it’s always best to leave before you’re left and whatever else, and then posted an actual link to a gossip site not unlike our own, who published content stating that Wilmer and Demi were over:

photo of demi lovato twitter pictures photos
The quotes accompanying the various links were as follows:

“Loyalty is EVERYTHING.. I’m thankful for my friends who stand by my side.”

And then:

“A wise girl kisses but doesn’t love, listens but doesn’t believe, and leaves before she is left.”

And then finally:

“The smartest thing a woman can ever learn, is to never need a man.”

So, alright. I guess we’ve narrowed down Demi’s angst to two possible things – she either wants in on Lindsay Lohan‘s Marilyn Monroe copyright, or (the likelier of the two) she and Fez did, indeed, break up. Don’t get me wrong; I’m elated that sweet Demi is no longer affiliating with her, because she was a pretty fragile chick in the past that just didn’t need the instability that went along with occasionally sleeping next to Wilmer in his presumed-to-be circular, leopard-print-sheeted bed. With mirrors on the ceiling and red feather boas draped over the lamps (that’s dangerous there, you know).

Dating Wilmer Valderrama is basically screaming to the rest of the world “I’m still not OK!” but maybe now that things are finally over and done with, Demi can move on to better (and more supportive … and more stable … and cleaner!) dudes.

So, that being said, I suppose I’m also saying: Girl, don’t worry about it. See, I look at it this way – you can do so much better. But really, no worse. Anything’s an improvement going up from here, unless you’re dating, like, Charlie Sheen or Michael Lohan. But please … don’t even think about it. They have girlfriends.

Who’d you like to see Demi pair off with? Got any nice young men that’d be cut out for handling Demi and all of her her exuberant hotness?

Nevermind – Britney’s Dead-Eyed Again

photo of britney spears with her tour team pictures photos pics
Just when you (OK, I) though Britney was looking better and almost at her hottest and happy and what not, she went and posed for this photograph, which is depicts her with her tour team.

And guys, in this picture. Man, she looks TERRIBLE. It looks like she’s suffered a some kind of depressive stroke. I know that might sound kind of bad, considering the mental state she’s been in over the past few years, but honestly, I’m totally pulling for Britney to get her life back together (even if it means not doing it as a worldwide performer in profession). But somebody – somebody – close to her has got to do something about helping her with those eyes.

Anyone in the audience out there who knows anything about certain kinds of anti-depressants that make your face look like a sad Kabuki mask? Is that what it is? Or has she just had so much stress heaped up on her back like a sack of potatoes that the weight and worry is bearing down and wearing her down? Or is it that another one of her tracks leaked – a track way back from 2003, which, some say, could have been the first descent into Britney’s meltdown?

The song in question is called “Look Who’s Talking Now”, off of Brit’s ‘In the Zone’ album, and I’m assuming that it’s got absolutely nothing to do with John Travolta and/or Kirstie Alley and pell-mell sperm traveling up the birth canal, but hey. One never knows, now, do they. Here’s the song:

Oh wait, no. Sorry. I lied. My bad! Here y’all are:

The track features Britney’s signature heavy breathing and little-kid voice. And also, why do I feel like I’ve been exercising to this song for at least a year now? Has it come out before now, or is it just really that bad that it sounds literally like every other club song that Britney’s released in the past ten years? Finally, at the 1:27 mark, does she say “I’m pickled everyday”? Because that would really make so, so much sense after all this time.

You Know Who I’m Really Glad Isn’t Dead? Michael Douglas.

photo of catherine zeta jones and michael douglas 2012 not dead pictures
Because it was a pretty close one, wasn’t it? During those horrible chemo treatments, he looked like any day would be his last, but he pulled through and just recently celebrated a year of cancer-free-ness.

This story hits especially close to my heart, because ten years ago, my mom was diagnosed with an inoperable, incurable brain tumor that gave her blinding headaches and fainting spells. No joke. The doctors told her that she’d probably only live another few months, and that was with intensive chemotherapy (which was administered at home, because she was entirely too weak to be driving – or riding – across town) to sit in a hospital for hours at a time, hooked up to a sterile, loveless machine) composed of both the injectable version and pill-by-mouth versions. The first few weeks were nothing but a waiting game, because the drugs didn’t seem to be doing anything but making her sicker and weaker and prompting us to actually start making phone calls about funeral homes and opening the family vault and “Where is the memorial dinner going to be” and “We’re going to have to go shopping for her after all of this, because nothing but NOTHING is going to fit this poor lady.”

A few weeks later, and pounds lighter, my mom came home from one of her doctor’s appointments full of hope. Well, no, that’s not entirely true. She was actually full of hope from the get-go almost, but this particular day was over the top even for her. She claimed that the doctor was going to try an invasive procedure called Gliadel Wafer Therapy, wherein a microchip-like thing would be inserted into the back of her head and would shoot constant, timed, small doses of the chemo drug in addition to what she was already taking. Needless to say, three weeks later the tumor had shrunk to the size of a pea (it was, at its largest, the size of a standard doorknob), and three weeks after that it was gone entirely.

So my mom’s been in remission for ten years, now, and there’s no sign that the tumor is coming back, but hey. Every day’s really a blessing and though you never really know when you’re going to go, it’s important to know what kind of legacy you’re leaving behind, and I think Michael gets that, too.

And that’s why I’m glad that Michael Douglas did, indeed, rip the head off of that shitty-assed tumor that overtook his throat. He’s a solid dude with a family and wife who’re immensely important to him. Now if we could get him to stop smoking entirely – if he hasn’t already – we’ll be in some even better business.

Congrats, Michael!

Lindsay Looks So Busted in These Ads, Also She Doesn’t Pay Her Taxes

A photo of Lindsay Lohan

So many times, Lindsay Lohan makes me want to rip my eyeballs out of my head, stumble to the front door, and leave them there so the stray cat can sneak up and eat them, because heaven knows that kitty would get more use out of them than I do. Seriously, look at that picture I posted right up there. Do you see it? Do you see her mouth? How is this ok? How did someone check this out and say “yep, no problems here, let’s print this meth mouth bitch and rake in the big bucks”? HOW?

Granted, the other pictures don’t look nearly as bad. I wish she’d get her bleaching problem under control, but I know that we’re never going to see 2006 Lindsay Lohan again, so you just have to take this for what it is, you know? Lindsay is admittedly looking pretty good for what she looks like now. Except those teeth. There are no excuses.

In other Lindsay news, guess who never paid her taxes?

Lindsay Lohan has a brand new $93,000 problem — because the federal government claims the actress never paid her 2009 income tax … and now Uncle Sam is finally out to collect.

According to official documents filed in Los Angeles, the Internal Revenue Service has obtained a lien against Lohan for $93,701.57 for failure to pay her federal income tax.

2009 wasn’t a very lucrative year for Lohan … she only released one crappy made-for-TV movie, coupled with a few minor TV appearances.

Now, if Lohan refuses to pay the debt … the government can go after anything that belongs to her … including homes, cars and bank accounts … assuming she has any of those things.

I was going to say “if it’s not one thing, it’s another,” but that’s not true, because it’s all the things, always. It’s like at any given point, Lindsay has at least five f*ck ups going on simultaneously, have you noticed that? It’s really pretty remarkable how she manages to keep it up.

Images courtesy of Celebuzz