… But thankfully, not for the reason you may think. Which would be weird, considering Playboy features nude ladies, and not nude men, but hey. Tom Cruise has never really done things the conventional way, so I suppose it wouldn’t be all that off-the-wall.

Tom discussed topics like how his career almost tanked after all of that couch-jumping back in ’05, all the business behind his Scientology, and how everyone thought he was completely bat-shit crazy. Tom says to Playboy:

“There comes a point when you just have to go, ‘You know what? Here’s how I’ve lived my life: I’ve never been late to set. I make films I believe in. I feel privileged to be able to do what I love.’ You just have to keep going and remember that. The other stuff? I hear it, I read it, I get it. But life is not a matter of trying to prove anything to anybody. …. There’s what people say, and there’s reality, and you can’t worry about stuff like that. Do you wish they wouldn’t say certain things? Yeah, you wish.”

And when the going gets tough, the tough … well, they pursue legal action:

“They know I mean it, that if I have to, I will sue. You start with a letter saying, ‘Okay, you know it’s not true. Apologize.’”

Tom goes on to talk about his favorite subject of all—“Kate” Holmes:

“She’s funny and charming, and when she walks into the room, I just feel better. I’m a romantic. I like doing things like creating romantic dinners, and she enjoys that. I don’t know what to say—I’m just happy, and I have been since the moment I met her. What we have is very special.”

And on his religious beliefs:

“What’s interesting is, if I don’t talk about my religion, if I say I’m not discussing it or different humanitarian things I’m working on, they’re like, ‘He’s avoiding it.’ If I do talk about it, it becomes, ‘Oh, he’s proselytizing.’”

And on that, he definitely makes a good point. Scientology is such an obscure thing to many people, and I agree—when he doesn’t talk about it in interviews, it seems like he’s trying to avoid the elephant in the room. And when he does, everyone kind of backs off and says, “Wait, whoa—creeper alert. Keep it to yourself, dude.” So, in essence, I guess it is a lose-lose situation for Tom when it comes to this topic.

Moving on, Tom says that even though people pretty much shit all over his belief systems, he respects others for their own. And really, isn’t that sweet?:

“I have respect for what other people believe. What I believe in my own life is that it’s a search for how I can do things better, whether it’s being a better man or a better father or finding ways for myself to improve. Individuals have to decide what is true and real for them.”

So, all in all, not a bad interview. Certainly not nearly as bad as what you’d expect from someone playing a character called Stacee Jaxx. I shudder to think.

… You know, if, of course, you’re like me and have this unexplainable urge to vomit all over Tom Cruise’s face and weird body every time you see him on television or in magazines, because guys? He did not disappoint.

We’ve talked about Tom Cruise and his new, craptastic role as Stacee Jaxx in Rock of Ages, but thus far, you’ve been spared both excessive commentary from him and any abundance of real photos where the obnoxiousness-level is at an all-time high, but I’m here to pop your safe little bubble today, oh yes. That W magazine cover we looked at the other day? Here’s a snippet of the interview, and if that doesn’t put you completely off your breakfast, then the accompanying photos certainly will.

Tom on the most ridiculously redundant question anyone could possibly ask Tom Cruise—whether he sang around the house as a kid:

“You know what? I did the scene from Risky Business around the house. I would sing Bob Seger—my mother worked, my sisters were out, and I’d turn the music up. I learned how to dance watching Soul Train. I noticed that if a guy could dance, he’d get a lot of attention and girls would want to dance with him. I worked very hard at imitating those moves.”

And then Tom on name-dropping his wife just for the express purpose of letting us know that he still calls her ‘Kate‘, because ‘Katie’ is apparently too bourgeoisie:

“Kate [Holmes, Cruise’s wife] loves musicals. She sings and dances, and we kind of went through the history of musicals together. And Suri loved Hairspray. With kids, you watch everything over and over; I watched Hairspray 15 times with Suri. I thought Adam Shankman did a great job directing the movie, so I arranged to meet him and said, “Where’s our musical?” He came back and said, “Rock of Ages.” We went and saw it in L.A., and for me…I didn’t know how to play the character like that. I had to find my own Stacee Jaxx.”

On—gag—being “sexy” in the film:

“I knew we had to push the sexuality because of the nature of the character and the songs. He’s singing, “I Want to Know What Love Is.” Adam has a sweetness with this stuff, so you can push things pretty hard. With Malin, I thought of Susan Sarandon in The Rocky Horror Picture Show—incredibly sexy and very sweet.”

Ugh. Are you satisfied yet? Because I just about vomited my water. Forget the breakfast—I was barely able to stay hydrated while reading this drivel.

Be sure to check out the photos in the gallery if you really want to drop some water weight today.

Emily’s filled you guys in on this whole ‘Rock of Ages’ thing that Tom Cruise is doing, yes? Because apparently, W magazine has taken it upon themselves to become the film’s number one promoter, it seems. If you’ve done your best in avoiding the entire thing, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but we’re going to talk about this movie for a second, OK? For some background information, IMDB:

Set in 1987 Los Angeles, Drew and Sherrie are two young people chasing their dreams in the big city. When they meet, it’s love at first sight, though their romance will face a series of challenges.

The film stars Tom Cruise, obviously, Malin Akerman, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Julianne Hough, Alec Baldwin, Russell Brand, Will Forte, Mary J. Blige, and a bevy of hairband-looking blonde women.

In all seriousness, no, I will not be seeing the film, and it’s mainly to do with the whole Tom Cruise thing. Just not all that much of a fan. Granted, I did see ‘Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol’ and found it to be pretty bad ass. But we’ll just keep that to ourselves for a little while here, OK? At least ’til we see what kind of reviews this movie’s going to get?

Finally, W magazine: just … what the hell?

No, it really is. Do you remember when I showed you the first trailer back in December? It was a glorious piece of cinematic magic. Tom Cruise was elegant and graceful yet raw and powerful. The film itself could win every single award out there – the Oscars and the Grammys – based on the trailer alone. It was that amazing.

But look! It’s a brand new trailer! One filled with just as much magic and intrigue! Perhaps even a little more, because Tom Cruise sings a Bon Jovi song in this one. Really, he does. He prances around on stage without a shirt, with his flowing, majestic mane of hair and that awesome tattoo, and he sings “Wanted Dead or Alive.” That happens, and it’s … well, it’s more than I ever could have imagined, I’ll say that much.

Are we even going to be able to handle this movie when it comes out in June?

I have so many emotions about this movie, you guys. Just so many. I mean, did you see that trailer? Honestly, did you watch it? Tom Cruise‘s hair? Alec Baldwin‘s hair? The entire concept of the movie? I just can’t, I can’t. This is exactly what I felt when Mamma Mia came out: equal amounts of disgust and intrigue, with sprinklings of disappointment and shame. These feelings are only magnified by the presence of Tom Cruise.

What about you? Are you excited about this? If so, were you also excited about Footloose? Because if both of those things are true, then we need to have a good long talk about good judgement and taste.

So this one time, Tom Cruise was the guest of honor on a cruise ship for Scientologists, and it was his birthday, and he jumped up to sing “Old Time Rock and Roll,” and his performance was in turns kind of cute and really painful. (Lainey gets it right when she calls Tom Cruise a total “dad” and a “middle-aged dork.”)

The 2004 video is going viral today, but I knew it looked familiar—and sure enough, it is just one clip from what must be a “Tom’s Birthday Party” DVD.

These days, Tom Cruise is doing the promotional rounds for Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, and I gotta admit, as cuckoo as the man is, he’s still a hottie. He looks a little like 1990s Mark Harmon.