Wanna know why? Because Katie Holmes doesn’t have a newborn child who’s up all hours of the night to take care of. No, she doesn’t have any major motion picture projects going on, either, that might draw her out and sap the energy out of her. That’s why I’m banking on the fact that Suri Cruise is a vampire, and she’s slowly sucking the life out of her mother, Katie Holmes. It explains a lot. The penis gummies. The myriad faces that a child shouldn’t even be able to make. She’s supernatural. And she’s hungry. And she was possessed, too! Have we forgotten that so soon? Just LOOK at the circles underneath Katie’s eyes. If that’s not the victim of a vampire right there, folks, just wasting away before our very eyes, I don’t know what to tell you. You need to watch some more movies about creatures of the night, because you’re totally overlooking the obvious.

Because there’s positively no way that Tom Cruise would have anything to do with this. He’s not keeping her locked up four out of seven days, wired to weird machines that conduct odd Scientology-related tests on Katie, because that’s just not Tom’s style, no. Tom would rather let his daughter take the rap for sucking the ever-loving life out of the woman who brought her into this world, because it keeps him in the clear. It allows him to deviously plan out how to clone Katie and how to turn the world’s population into pod people who bear a striking resemblance to his dear wife.

Nope. I see right through it, guys. I get what’s going on here, and it’s just. not. nice.

Oh, and if you don’t want to partake in any of my delusions, Katie just looks like crap, alright? She looks like crap and that fedora is a nightmare. That simple and cut-and-dry for all of the rest of you? Yes, but not nearly as fun? Yeah. Thought not.

At least she wouldn’t be if Santa saw this lovely set of mini-bitchface photos. I know, I know – cut the kid a break, she’s a little girl, what little girl hasn’t thrown a temper tantrum in public, yeah, she probably wants that stupid stuffed dog that every other Hollywood couple’s daughter on the block has, and it’s totally the end of the world that *Katie stood her ground and didn’t buy it for her. JEEZ SARAH DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT KIDS ARE?

I’m kidding. She’s cute, and honestly, it’s fine. It’s all OK. And I’m sure it turned out well. It’s just SO GOOD that daddy Tom wasn’t there – I hear that Xenu seriously frowns upon tears, genuine disappointment, and, you know, toys in general.

*Awaiting confirmation

No, not Katie Holmes. She’s too busy starring in the Dawson’s Creek reruns in my dreams, silly! No, the real author is that little devil, Suri Cruise! Not even six years old and already entering the literary world, isn’t that something? To be honest though, I’m not surprised. Suri has always been way mature for her age, you know. Like, she seems at least 8.

Here’s the story from In Touch via Celebitchy:

Suri Cruise, author? According to a family friend, the 5-year-old is currently penning her own children’s book! And her parents, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, think it’s so good, they plan to publish it when she’s finished. “Suri is smart beyond her years,” the family friend tells In Touch. “Not only is she writing the book, she’s also working on all the illustrations. She is actually very talented for someone so young.”

And her parents couldn’t be more proud. “Tom and Katie are careful not to push her too hard, but of course they think she is a little genius,” adds the friend. Although Suri hasn’t come up with a title just yet, the insider reveals the story is about the adventures of a little girl who lives in a big house in Beverly Hills. Sounds like more of an autobiography to us, Suri!

This sounds adorable, right? I’m sure little Suri could write a fabulous little book! Except wait … has she ever gone to school? She gets photographed so often, it’s really hard to be sure. Surely she can read though. Right?

During the month of October, I kind of got obsessed with scary movies. We were buying a few DVDs a week, going to the awesome second-run movie theater in the next town over, and borrowing whatever we could from friends. It was kind of a problem, but like a really really fun problem that you don’t realize is a problem until you wake up a few nights in a row from awful nightmares about old lady vampires and zombie children on a school bus. Since then, I’ve moved on to documentaries about animals, but the terror still lingers in my mind.

So maybe I’m letting that affect how I’m viewing this picture of Katie Holmes and little Suri. Maybe in reality, this is a picture of an adorable little girl and her doting mother, and I have no reason to be afraid. Or maybe I’m onto something …

Happy Halloween, friends! Since today is supposed to be such a spooky day, I figured that we’d kick it off with one of the spookiest things I can think of: Joan Rivers! Joan is dressed up as poor little Suri Cruise, and we can’t see it, but I’m sure the rest of the costume includes heels and a palpable sense of entitlement. Oh, and penis candy. We can’t forget the penis candy!

Are you as scared as I am?

Image courtesy of USA Today

Us Weekly wants you to know that little Suri Cruise stepped out onto the streets of Greenwich (NYC) wearing a pink bowler hat and bright red lipstick. Ugh, the camera loves this child.

It makes me nervous when kiddies don’t wear age-appropriate things, maybe, but Suri looks darling. Plus, she dresses like a little old lady. No harm in that! (Maybe Suri is the next Tavi Gevinson! But only if she wants to be.) And the kid gets away with so much “dress-up”—just like the little girl who convinces mom to let her wear her sequined tutu to Wal-Mart.

Anyway, I was looking for better pictures of Suri on the ol’ photo wire, and the paparazzi were still waiting for Suri at the door of the family’s apartment later in the afternoon (creepsville). By then, Suri had lost the bowler hat and matching wrap, as well as most of the lipstick—all her little accessories, packed away by the nanny, no doubt.

I guess grown-ups do that, too: we leave the house in uncomfortable things that looked nice in the mirror, but a few hours later we’ve taken off the jacket, the scarf, the earrings, trading style for practicality. Kids refuse to suffer as long as adults do, though. As soon as that felted hat gets itchy, it comes right off. Take notes, grown-ups.