Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Soaps

‘DALLAS’ RETURNS!

Somewhere, somehow, somebody convinced a roomful of executives that a reboot of Dallas would be the ultimate in Exciting Television.

The Powerpoint presentation, probably:

“Good afternoon. We recently asked ourselves, ‘Selves, what dead franchise from the 1970s and ’80s can we reanimate?’ And then we began to wonder which dead careers we could reanimate, too.

“We believe we have finally solved those puzzles, and more. The TNT network has long sought an audience among the profitable, elusive demographic of elderly women (“boomers”) and also their granddaughters (“Millenials”), all while saving money. How better, then, than to cast cadaverous has-beens alongside a much younger generation of has-beens?

Larry Hagman and Patrick Duffy feud anew

“That’s why we propose The New Adventures of Dallas. Larry Hagman’s Eyebrows will once again star as patriarch J.R. Ewing! And Step By Step‘s Patrick Duffy returns to the fold as J.R.’s brother, Bobby Ewing! As you can see from this promotional still, we also got the dead lady from Desperate Housewives.

“But maybe most importantly, the return of Dallas gives Jesse Metcalfe something—anything—to do. He’ll portray Bobby Ewing’s adopted son. And in the role of Obvious Rival, we hired actor Josh Henderson, who is wearing a big hat, which symbolizes that he is J.R. Ewing, only younger. Basically, we cast every budget player from Desperate Housewives we could afford. Look! Jordana Brewster!”

Jesse Metcalfe and Jordana Brewster -- remember them??

SOLD.

Images courtesy TNT via Popbytes

‘One Life to Live’ to Live On, Online

The cast of ABC's ill-fated 'One Life to Live'

Image courtesy Novelas y Mas

In April, ABC finally killed off “One Life to Live” and “All My Children.” Both soap operas had aired for 40-plus years.

It’s hard for me to pretend to get worked up over every insipid soap’s inevitable cancellation. Still, I know that at least two million viewers tune in daily to watch their “stories,” and moreover, a lot of non-viewers associate daytime network television with Memories of Summer at Grandma’s House. That’s sweet, sort of.

So, because I am not the heartless beast I want you think I am, I can sympathize with the public outcry (but only a little) whenever a daytime soap gets axed.

Here’s the good news: IT’S TIME TO TEACH GRANDMA HOW TO USE THE COMPUTER. “All My Children” and “One Life to Live” have been raised from the dead, maybe, now that each show has been licensed as a WEB SERIES! And reportedly, the shows plan to keep all their castmembers—yep, even Susan Lucci.

I really admire the daring of this whole idea, because it explores heretofore uncharted television territory. Will grandma finally recognize the brilliance of all that newfangled “web streaming” stuff? Will Mrs. Jane Smith finally buy her husband an Xbox? Will advertisers, finally acknowledging that women really do own and use laptops, flood the Internet with commercials for tampons and dish soap? Hooray! Huzzah!