From Us Weekly:

Eva Mendes got to play house with Ryan Gosling all spring when she tagged along to Thailand for his Only God Forgives shoot. The actress cooked up a storm for their dinners, marvels a Mendes pal: “This was a girl who once couldn’t make pasta!”

But come late April, when the duo were back in LA, it got complicated. Gosling, 31, grew distant, and Mendes, 38, confronted him, says the pal.

“He says he wants to slow down and not live with her yet. But he doesn’t want to lose her.”

Could this be true? Is Us jumping the shark? If I’m like hordes of men and women everywhere, I so, so, so hope this is true. And if it’s not? Well. It’s just another chink in the armor that is the impenetrable Eva Mendes.

Ha. I used ‘impenetrable’ and Eva Mendes in the same sentence, and isn’t that ridiculous. Because come on. I’m sure Ryan’s not with her for her sparkling personality or her dinner party know-how. We all know he’s penetrating that, and there’s no shame in it. She is marginally good-looking, after all.

GET BORED AND GET ON WITH IT, RYAN.

I figured I’d start off with a quote from Eva Mendes on today’s ‘YDG,’ because it’s just so damn fitting:

“I’m feeling a little insecure because I can’t help but be super conscious of what I’m saying because I’m so protective. That’s the most precious thing to me. And I’m so protective and I just felt my guard go up.”

That was from a recent interview with USA Today, where Eva actually talked about Ryan and spilled why she was playing so coy during her most recent ‘Ellen’ show appearance.

… You don’t think, like, these two are going to get married or anything, do you? Because I don’t think I could handle it if they did. Not even because, you know, I’m definitely unabashedly jealous of the fact that Eva Mendes gets to HAVE SEX with Ryan Gosling and be subjected to RYAN GOSLING’S MORNING BREATH and ROLL HER EYES when he SHAVES IN THE SINK AND LEAVES WHISKERS ALL OVER THE SURFACE OF IT because ffs, it’s Ryan Gosling. Who cares if he leaves whiskers all over the damn sink and it takes twenty minutes to get them all up? Please! You’ve just got to suck it up and take the good with the bad, because the good is really, really good.

God, I can’t believe Eva even had the balls to be complaining about Ryan’s personal grooming habits! God! What a bitch!

The official trailer for Ryan’s latest movie, Gangster Squad, is here, the movie in which he’s reunited with his Crazy, Stupid Love co-star Emma Stone*. Check it out:

First, let me say that I will probably never look at Sean Penn again without automatically thinking “Scarlett Johansson sex, Scarlett Johansson sex,” and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. You know how sometimes someone can be marginal-looking, and then they have this hot piece of ass latch onto them for whatever reason, and that hot piece of ass makes them hotter by association? That’s what we’ve got going on here, I think (but then again, I haven’t had my first cup of coffee yet, so I could be mistaken on that one). Second. Why is Ryan Gosling using his weenie voice to talk throughout this film? Is his gangster name supposed to be Tiny or something? Will all of the other gangsters in the squad look bigger than he is through trick photography? Or did they think that Weenie Voice would be a stark contrast to Ryan Gosling With a Tommygun? I don’t know. Third? It actually looks pretty decent. Way better than I thought it would, anyway.

*Now here’s what I really wanted to talk about: wouldn’t Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling together—in real life—be the hotness? Yeah, I know that Ryan’s all strung out on f-cking Eva Mendes and her stupid crapbag sense of fashion and what not, and Emma’s hung up on that true weenie, Andrew “Spiderman Dick” Garfield (which I really, really don’t get, because I’m not into pre-pubescent-looking dudes), but if we could peel Emma and Ryan away from their respective significant others for a few minutes in real life, I bet they could hit it off. I really, really do. And then you’d never hear me make any kind of snide remark whatsoever about the lady in Ryan’s life, because I love Emma Stone and I think that Ryan’s just as worthy of her as she is of him. And then they all lived happily ever after, the end.

UGH HOW I HATE THIS WOMAN.

No, that’s rude and it’s all sorts of wrong to say that you hate someone, especially when it’s out of pure jealousy. My parents raised me better than that, so I guess all I can say is I HATE THIS WOMAN WHAT A STUPID STUPID WOMAN.

As you can see, Eva Mendes was on the Ellen show, where Ellen gifted her with footie pajamas (which both called “onesies,” but come on! Onesies are baby undergarments, duh!), and then coyly hinted around that if she ever happened to run into Ryan Gosling for the first time ever, that Mendes should give him a corresponding pair of footie pajamas. Eva hid her face in her long, lustrous hair, and giggled and chortled like it was going out of f-cking style (and it was. It really, really was). In the segment, she later teased the audience by saying, “OK, yes, I’ll give them to him if I happen to run into him somewhere tonight for the first time ever.”

GUH.

Can we just imagine what this lucky, lucky lady is thinking, walking alongside Ryan Gosling in New York City? I mean, look at her. It’s like she’s seen the face of God, and to some people, Ryan Gosling and God are one and the same. And who knows! Maybe he is God on Earth, and if that’s the case, people will probably be queuing up around the block to confess their mortal sins and hoping that the penance will be something along the lines of … I’m sorry, I have to stop this right here. See, it’s drifting into sacrilege territory, and I don’t think Ryan Gosling God looks too kindly on those who idolize other golden gods. I’m pretty sure there’s a commandment out there prohibiting such behavior, isn’t there?

Finally? How f-cking awesome do you have to be to garner 396+ news headlines just for taking a stroll with a paper sack in New York City and doing nothing else? Pretty f-cking bomb-ass is all I have to say. Damn.

I love Ryan Gosling and all, but sometimes he doesn’t seem like a real person. He’s an incredibly beautiful man who loves Disneyland and does ballet. He breaks up street fights. And now he rescues damsels in distress on the mean streets of New York.

This story is from Twitter, but legitimate news sources are covering it, so I’m going to go ahead and say it actually happened. Here are the tweets from Laurie Penny, a journalist from London who happened to come into harm’s way while Ryan Gosling was on duty:

I literally, LITERALLY just got saved from a car by Ryan Gosling. Literally. That actually just happened.

I was crossing 6th avenue in a new pink wig. Not looking the right way because I am from London. Ryan Gosling grabbed me away from a taxi.

He did not say ‘hey, girl.’ He said ‘hey, watch out!’

Identity of no-idea-if-actually-a-manarchist-but-definitely-a-decent-sort Ryan Gosling confirmed by girl near me, who said ‘you lucky bitch’

I would also like to thank the several other, more anonymous New Yorkers who have saved me from cars since my stay here.

She also said that she thought it looked like some dude named Jed, but then she realized that Jed would never wear double denim. So not only did Ryan Gosling rescue her, but he did it while wearing double denim. Honestly.

What’s next, Ryan? Maybe you’ll be at your bank, just taking care of some business, when some masked man jumps out with a gun, and you’ll disarm him with one hand and restrain him with the other. Maybe you’ll be going for a nice little ride on a boat and you’ll see some terrified child in the water, screaming “help! I don’t know how to swim!” and you’ll jump in without any trace of concern for your fancy clothes and pull the child to safety. Maybe you’ll be in the store when I’m stubbornly trying to ride a bicycle that’s way too tall for me and you’ll say “hey girl, you ain’t no Lance Armstrong, try the kid’s section.” Maybe you’ll be the one to save us from ourselves.