The third season premiered last night and you know that I was stationed on my couch at 9:30 on the nose with a glass of wine and a bag of FritoLay Munchies ready to go. Those bitches are my shit, I live for them, I live for their drama and their fashions and their lifestyle. Live. For. Them.
Here are my notes:
1) I am so glad that this appears to be a Teresa-centered season. I think we all knew after last year’s reunion that there was shit going on with Teresa’s family that we didn’t even know about. My gay husband and I theorized all summer long and honestly? We were thinking that Teresa’s brother’s wife gave birth to Teresa’s husband Joe’s baby. Like, we got pretty dreamy with our conspiracy theories. However, I was not disappointed to find out that they only hate each other because Joe’s a drinker who’s made Teresa’s father kind of turn his back on his son. And I LOVED watching folks throw down at a Christening. That’s some real ethnic white people shit right there. I’m Irish and we’re equally as “passionate” as the Italians, so I really related to watching two grown men get shitfaced and duke it out at a Christening. God bless THAT, am I right?
2) Jacqueline’s daughter Ashley needs to step her fucking game up. I think we can all recall a time when we were a slightly entitled teenager, but Ashely expecting her parents to move her into the city because she can’t go to her bomb-ass internship ever day via the train? Mmmm. No. I did not care for that. Also, Jacqueline really needs to squash whatever kinship her daughter seems to think she has with Lizzie Grubman. That woman is CRAY-CRAY and if she was rubbing my daughter’s back on national television and telling her that she was her carbon copy, I would drag her out of there by her hair, throw on the first train back to Jersey and never look back.
3) I love everything that’s going on with the Manzo family, but Caroline really needs to work on cutting that cord. Her three kids are grown to the point where it’s almost embarrassing that none of them had moved out of her home and she’s crying with fear and sadness at the though of her two sons leasing an apartment less then 30 minutes away? C’mon, Caroline. Don’t be that unhealthy mother. Albie’s like, five years shy of 30. Don’t make a big deal out of him moving out of the house. And stop asking Lauren’s boyfriend when he’s going to propose at family dinner. Poor Vito, right? Didn’t you feel so awkward for him?
Let’s get into this more in the comments and in the poll. I could talk about this all freakin’ day (and I have been, who are we kidding?) so let’s just explore all of our thoughts/feelings, okay?
What did you think of last night's RHONJ premiere?
Hey, guys. My apartment is having work done on it and I woke up with some maintenance man’s face in my second story window and I screamed bloody murder. The day just got worse from there. They shut the water off to do work on the apartment below mine and I had to clean out my favorite coffee mug with seltzer water and my dog wouldn’t stop barking because he was under the impression we were being attacked. To top it off, my neck is making a clicking sound when I try to nod or shake my head and I may be mildly hungover from cheap white wine. And I currently look worse than Christina Aguilera in her mugshot. Basically, I want to eat an expensive french sandwich in bed and then kill myself. That’s where I’m at right now, so please forgive the slight gap in posting and any general weirdness you may be getting from me today. I’m going through it.
You wanna know who’s not going through it, though? (SMOOOOOOTH TRANSITION, GIRL) Jacqueline Laurita from Real Housewives of New Jersey. Homegirl is a mother of three and recently shed 30 pounds using some weight loss program called Medifast. While the Life & Style piece that told me about her weight loss kind of feels like an ad for this Medifast shit, I still think it’s mad commendable of Jacqueline to get all that unhealthy weight she was carrying around off of her body. And with two young kids in her house, too. Medifast or not, that’s impressive.
Lookin’ forward to see if Jac’s new body gives her some new swagger and perhaps a set of much-needed metaphorical balls on the new season of Real Housewives of New Jersey.
I am obsessed with Teresa from Real Housewives of New Jersey, mainly because I love her relationship with her husband Joe. The two have known each other since the day Teresa was born, their families are from the same Italian village and his motto is “happy wife, happy life.” They have one of those marriages that (despite all their money issues) seems too good to be true.
THAT’S CAUSE IT IS, MOTHERFUCKERS! According to Life & Style, Joe’s been frequenting strip clubs and doing sketchy things around ladies for some time now:
According to a former dancer at Showoffs strip club in West Orange, N.J., Joe was a regular at the strip club before it was closed in 2006 amid accusations of prostitution. “He was always up for a lap dance,” reveals the insider. “There was a lot of hanky-panky that went down in the club’s basement,” the insider tells Life & Style. “If you had money, you could get pretty up close and personal with the strippers.”
Joe was also allegedly a loyal patron of Latin Bar in Paterson, N.J. “There was one particular waitress Joe really liked there,” recalls the insider. “She was from the Dominican Republic, about 5 feet tall with big breasts and long, dark hair. Joe would always make sure that wherever he was, he could be back in Paterson on a Friday night so he could see her.”
Back at his former real estate development office, Joe’s attention to the ladies also raised eyebrows. With Teresa nowhere in sight, he developed a very close relationship with a young female staffer who, says a onetime assistant, Joe suddenly hired despite the fact that she “didn’t seem qualified.”
*Tear* This is the saddest news of the day, for sure.
The second part of the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion was on Bravo last night and it was absolute mayhem. Now, look: You guys know at this point that I’m not shy about swear words and harsh language. In fact, one might say that I am limited to using swear words and harsh language, so you know that if I thought Kim G.’s mouth was completely foul last night, it had to be pretty bad.
Here’s the thing with Kim G., though. It’s not just the words coming out of her mouth. It’s the eff’d up juxtaposition of her sitting there in a silk dress and pearls while screaming profanities at a piece of trash on the couch across from her. It’s hard to imagine that a woman of such high class and dignity could be bothered to respond to someone like Danielle, let alone in such an animalistic and visceral fashion. Oh, wait. That’s right. Kim G. is a skunk in a mink jacket. She’s still the rodent she was born to be, she just managed to land a husband who would stick her in a nice setting and drape her in some decent clothes.
There wasn’t a whole lot of actual resolution on last night’s finale. There was this moment, where Danielle attempted to play nicenice with Jacqueline and Teresa…
After declaring bankruptcy, Real Housewife Teresa Giudice and her husband Joe are being forced to auction off items from their extravagant home (a tour of which is in the video above… that playroom. My God.) The couple are selling two flat screen TVs, a foosball table, a suit of armor (???) and several chandeliers, amongst other things, to cover debts owed.
Anyone who is familiar with the show knows that Teresa’s spending is out of control and in recent episodes, she’s been defending her family’s financial state to no end. I actually feel for her and her family, as it’s clearly her own lack of education on finances and responsibility that got her to this place. They’ll be suffering the consequences of their overspending for years to come.
If any of you caught Monday’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey, you saw the absolutely trashtastic brawl that went down between Danielle, Teresa and Ashley. We already know that Danielle had Ashley arrested for assault and yesterday her lawyer told HollywoodLife that she’ll be taking both Ashley and Teresa to court for damages.
Danielle’s lawyer made the following statement about the law suit:
“I’ve never seen anything like this. We are going to use this footage and prepare a case against these women. We are seeking assault and battery charges, defamation of character and punitive damages as well. We will get restraining orders by the judge against Teresa, Ashley and all others involved. We will subpoena this women to make sure they come to court. We are going to ask to impose sanctions against these women, whatever the law allows. These things don’t end with paying a fine. It’s not over … I don’t know when this will ever be over. There is a freedom of speech amendment so we can’t restrain Teresa for saying things but it’s the intent behind it. This is fueling some of the work behind these people. This is some kind of conspiracy, it’s like a gang mentality.”
While it’s obvious that what took place the night in question was seriously disturbing for all involved, I think it’s pretty obvious that Danielle is desperate to stay relevant and probably looking for a meal ticket. During the first season of the show Danielle was extremely clear that she wasn’t willing to work to pay her bills, and you know it’s those types who are always quick to sue.
With Dina Manzo leaving the cast of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, a new housewife is going to have to take her spot. And no, it’s not someone else related to the Manzos.
It’s been informally announced that Elvira Grau will be the newest housewife on the cast and that she should be making her first appearance in tomorrow night’s episode. But count on the addition of this particular castmate to keep that drama train running full steam. Elvira, a Russian immigrant, owns two of New Jersey’s hottest entertainment venues. We caught a sneak peak of one of her businesses during Teresa’s daughter’s birthday party and the other one, Space Odyssey, is hosting Teresa’s book party tonight.
I’m not sure if this means that Elvira’s businesses are in competition with the Manzo’s Brownstone, but if it is, you KNOW Caroline’s going to wind up stabbing a bitch.
And can I just say that I’m so so so happy that they didn’t ask Kim G., Danielle’s horrible friend, to join the cast. I hate that two-faced mess.