Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Piers Morgan

Quotables: Piers Morgan Says He’s Going to Deport Himself

photo of piers morgan deportation pictures

To even try to conceive of how you would feel if your child was shot multiple times in the head by a Rambo madman at school is just impossible. I honestly don’t know how you would ever carry on with life. But my anger turned to blind rage when I saw the reaction to this hideous massacre in America. Sales of the specific weapon used, an AR-15 military-style assault rifle, rocketed at gun stores all over America in the days following the Sandy Hook shooting. And the country’s biggest gun supplier, Brownells, said it sold more high-capacity bullet magazines in three days than it normally did in three-and-a-half years. … And let me say that for every American who has attacked me on Twitter, Facebook or Fox News this past week, I’ve had many more thank me and encourage me to continue speaking out – including one lady who came up to me in Manhattan just before Christmas, grabbed my arm, and said firmly: ‘I’m with you. A lot of us are with you.’ In conclusion, I can spare those Americans who want me deported a lot of effort by saying this: If you don’t change your gun laws to at least try to stop this relentless tidal wave of murderous carnage, then you don’t have to worry about deporting me. Although I love the country as a second home and one that has treated me incredibly well, I would, as a concerned parent first – and latterly, of a one-year-old daughter who may attend an American elementary school like Sandy Hook in three years’ time – seriously consider deporting myself.

Piers Morgan on gun control legislation and where this country may be headed if something big doesn’t change.

Could I say that I agree any more than I already do? No, because, truth be told, I couldn’t agree any more than I already do, and most of you guys know how I feel about all this. I’m not going to rehash it all, except to say that I’d definitely give second thought to moving to the “Land of Opportunity” if I were a foreigner. That’s about it.

Josh Groban Is Pretty Funny

A photo of Josh Groban in Vegas, August 20

Truthfully, I like Josh Groban. For a while I wasn’t too sure about him—I received a Groban Christmas CD one year, cementing my real and lasting fear of pop opera—but the kid is undeniably funny, funny, funny.

In the clip above, Groban visits Piers Morgan Tonight; there, Groban makes light of Morgan’s overwrought Twitter-tweets by singing them aloud. And seriously, he makes Piers Morgan sound like the lyric book from Les Mis! Ha ha ha!

This isn’t the first time Groban has been high-larious—the Hollywood Reporter cites his guest-star turns on Glee, Robot Chicken, and American Dad, too. But they left out my favorite Josh Groban cameo, from Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! (Yep, it’s pretty weird.)

Hugh Hefner “Didn’t See It Coming”

Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris at 'An American in Paris' premiere, April 2011

There once was a bachelor named Hugh Hefner,
Loved Holly Madison; then he left her.
Instead, got engaged to one Crystal Harris
And attended the premiere of An American in Paris. (Pictured.)

Their 60-year age gap caused titters, and jeers,
But did it cause, too, wedding jitters and fears?
Though Hef could see her affection had faltered,
He was nonetheless blindsided when dumped at the altar.

What follows is from Hef’s interview with Piers Morgan;
Makes Hef seem real sad—Harris, more like a gorgon.
I’d like to keep rhyming and steal all the glory,
But as the journalists say, “Let the quotes write the story”:

Hugh Hefner:

…As we got very close to the marriage, you know, something was not right. But I didn’t see it coming, I truly didn’t see it coming.

At last Crys admitted her feet had gone cold,
Hef recommended just putting the wedding on hold.
He thought he’d reassured her; he’d obviously failed,
Because, by next morning, their relation-Ship had sailed:

That was only half the story obviously, because the next morning [after our conversation], without my knowledge, she was packing the bags.

Though it’s crystal-clear Crystal just used him, then shoved him,
Hef maintains that she really, really, really did love him:

I think an argument could be made that she took me for a ride, but I must say, quite frankly, it was a pretty nice ride. If she was faking it, she did it very well.

In conclusion—because I can’t keep this up—poor Hef! I really believe both of them. I have faith that Hef was genuinely marrying for something that maybe felt a little like love, and I believe Harris was totally sincere when she said, “Are you kidding? It was all for publicity.” Man, did Hugh Hefner ever dodge a bullet.

CNN has the whole video clip here. In other news, Hugh Hefner is not dead.

Larry King’s Marriage Surprisingly Outlasted His Show This Time

photo of larry king

After twenty-five years on air, Larry King Live wraps up its last season this year. The show finishes this year’s season in the fall.

Larry King, who is an icon in his own right, has never shied away from controversial topics or outlandish guest interviews (uh, remember Charles Manson?), and it’s going to be hard to replace the timeslot held by King for the past two and-a-half decades. Wonder who’s up next on the roster … Sarah Palin, maybe? Nope. America’s Got Talent judge, Piers Morgan. He’s evidently got his very own bid in for taking the reins of the revered Larry King:

“CNN has made it clear to Piers that he is the network’s first choice to replace Larry. He is very, very close to agreeing to terms. America’s Got Talent finishes in mid-September. That is perfect timing to coincide with Larry’s retirement and allow Piers to take over.”

So, farewell, Larry. You’ve been doing your thing with Live longer than I’ve been living, and you’ve definitely made yourself a household name. You’re golden. Now just get rid of the crazy bitch wife, and you’ll be stellar.

I’ll end this piece with my all-time favorite Larry King segment, the infamous Paris Hilton interview.