Wouldn’t it be great if you and I could devise our own riders, so that the stuff we love to death would follow us practically wherever we go? Grocery store shopping: sure, but I gotta have my rider. The obligatory in-law visit. OK: but the rider’s contents better be in place when I get there. Nicki Minaj – who would strike me as the Mariah Carey-type and want sequined couches and animal-print throw rugs and imported-from-India incense or whatever all over the place – has a rider that’s actually pretty normal, and chock-full of reasonable stuff (like bacon and eggs and fruit). Here’s Nicki’s rider, providing the meals and the space for her and a group of her 4-6 person entourage:
2 dozen pink or white roses and 3 large ‘Baked Goods-scented’ candles
Hot Tea setup with lemon wedges, sugar and honey. Must include teacups, saucers, spoons and napkins and decaffeinated Lipton Tea bags
2 packs Halls lemon honey drops and 3 packs of Thayers Slippery Elm lozenges (three different flavors)
Contact lenses solution with case, 2 Space Heaters – VERY IMPORTANT – and a cool mist humidifier
3 packs of gum in 3 different flavors
24 bottles of Dasani Water (12 room temperature, 12 on ice)
12 cans of Red Bull (6 room temp, 6 iced)
12 bottles of Martinelli’s Apple Juice (6 room temp, 6 iced)
24 bottles of Snapple, 12 must be Lemon Ice Tea, 12 other assorted flavours
Singer’s Saving Grace throat spray
2 large bottles of assorted fruit juices and one gallon of Simply Lemonade – please supply one small tub of clean ice and cups for drinks.
Egg Whites (scrambled hard), Turkey Bacon (fried hard), white toast (grape and strawberry jelly/jam). Belgian Waffles (syrup, powdered sugar, whipped cream, butter and strawberries on side) Enough to serve 4 people
1 Large Fruit platter with side of mango and 1 Large Cheese platter
3 twelve piece buckets of fried chicken spicy – no thighs, lots of wings
A deli tray with turkey breast meat, grilled chicken breast, whole wheat bread or rolls, yellow mustard and other condiments (seasoned salt, hot sauce), plates, forks, spooks, knives, napkins and straws (enough for six people)
Salad – Iceberg lettuce, sliced tomatoes, sliced cucumbers, green olives, Wishbone Light Italian dressing, Bumble Bee tuna in water, wheat or low Fat crackers
Carrots and Dip
Cranberries (dried), almonds (raw- not roasted)
One set of fine silverware/stainless steel silverware
Hm. So I guess if I had to make up a rider (and wouldn’t that just be terrible), mine would include things like gourmet-quality dark roast coffee – ground on the premises, fresh half and half, turbinado sugar, ceramic coffee mugs, a few bottles of Beaujolias Nouveau wine, spring water (except for Deer Park, because that garbage tastes like piss), Fritos, ready-to-eat spaghetti and meatballs, Dagoba Chai organic chocolate bars, and probably something really pain-in-the-ass like lavender-colored 1600 thread-count sheets and pillowcases, four goose down pillows, and a goose down comforter so I could sleep for a full eight hours after ingesting all of that food. Yes.
Hm. I guess I’d be a diva-bitch, too, if I could get my hands on my favorite things at someone else’s whim. What would be on your rider?
February 1, 2012 at 5:30 am by Sarah
It’s that special, special time of year again when AskMen releases their top 99 hot women of the year, and this year, the list was especially exceptional, especially their top 10. Some of the picks were obvious, some questionable, but all in all, at the end of the day, it was all done to support the industry that we love so much:
Slots ten through six included Candice Swanepoel, Rihanna, Kim Kardashian, Scarlett Johansson, and Emma Stone. Candice I just didn’t get – though she’s a Victoria’s Secret Angel, she’s quite average-looking if you ask me. As for Rihanna and Kim Kardashian, ugh. Those two are so played out that it’s hard to even decide if they’re still hot after all of the BS that they’ve pulled over the past few years. Scarlett Johansson has been a staple on this sort of list for years now, and there’s no doubt that Emma Stone is one hot-bitch-on-the-rise who probably deserves to be higher than the number six spot. Or, you know, not. Depending on who you ask. Because the top five were almost complete head-scratchers, with the exception of number one. Let’s review, shall we?
#5 – Nicki Minaj. Nicki Minaj. What? Higher-ranked than Scarlett Johansson? What’s the world coming to? Apparently many of today’s men can appreciate plastic appendages, because Minaj is one of the biggest offenders – no pun intended. Why AskMen chose Nicki:
“… It’s not often you find a female emcee whose looks are as infectious as her rhymes.”
#4 – Miranda Kerr. So this one makes some sense. She’s pretty, she bounced right back after having her baby last year, and she’s married to Orlando Bloom. I mean, I know some perfectly hetero men who have a man-crush on Orlando Bloom, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m pretty sure I have a lady-crush on Miranda, so it all works out. Why AskMen chose Miranda:
“This elegant Aussie has dimples we could get lost in and never want to come out of.”
#3 – Rooney Mara. This one I just do not get. Rooney Mara is pretty and sweet and soft-looking (when she’s not rocking bondage and facial piercings and bangs trauma), and she’s tons prettier than her sister, Kate, but number three? Who’d the girl with the dragon tattoo pay to get in that slot? Why AskMen chose Rooney:
“… Punks everywhere officially found their new pin-up girl.”
#2 – Kate Upton. It’s really not surprising, having the obligatory busty Sports Illustrated blonde in the top five. I think it’s somewhere in the contractual wording when these kinds of lists get churned out. This year it’s Kate Upton, who has big boobs. And who did the Dougie in 2011. Why AskMen chose Kate:
“Upton’s classically curvy body and face full of girlish charm make her an easy choice as a breakout model.”
#1 – Sofia Vergara. This one’s an easy choice. She’s hot, she’s funny, and she’s – above all – likable. Plus, she’s not cookie-cutter nineteen-year-old Hollywood, and that probably appealed to a lot of the editors over at AskMen. Why AskMen chose Sofia:
“Vergara shows off the best cleavage on network TV, and we’ve never been more jealous of Ed O’Neill. But despite her obvious assets, Vergara’s also one very funny woman, lampooning stereotypes with her perfect timing.”
Do you guys think this top five is THE top five of 2012? I’ll admit – most of it’s got me wondering who the hell compiled this list.
January 31, 2012 at 5:30 pm by Sarah
OK, so am I the only one who just doesn’t get Nicki Minaj? Doesn’t get the weird faces and the fake baby voices and making me intentionally spell things wrong?
This is girlfriend’s latest video for her latest single, ‘Stupid Hoe’, and between the seizures I’m having from trying to figure out whether or not that’s a prosthetic ass or not and the silly, over-wide anime eyes that seem to follow me all over the room, I don’t really know whether I should be laughing, crying, or foaming at the mouth.
I won’t lie – the erotic monkeys kind of scare me, too.
If you can’t listen to the video right now for whatever reason but still want to watch the visual onslaught of what happens to an epileptic before they pass out, mute the garbage and read the lyrics instead:
I get it crackin’ like a bad back
Bitch talkin’ she the queen when she lookin’ like a lab rat,
I’m Angelina, You Jennifer,
Come on, bitch. You see where Brad at
Ice my wrists-is, then I piss on bitches,
You can suck my diznik, if you take this jizz-is,
You don’t like them disses, give my ass some kisses
Yeah they know what this is, givin this the business
Cause I pull up and I’m stuntin’ but I ain’t a stuntman
Yes I’m rockin’ Jordans but I ain’t a jumpman
B!tches play the back cause they know I’m the front man
Put me on the dollar cause Im who they trusting
Ayo SV, whats the f-cks good? We ship platinum, them bitches are shipping wood
Them nappy headed hoes, but my kitchen good
I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish
a bitch woooooooooooooooooould.
You a stupid hoe, you a, you a …
January 20, 2012 at 4:30 pm by Sarah
You are admiring a one-of-a-kind Katy Perry Barbie doll, designed by Amy Lee of Mattel. Those tiny 70 cupcakes on Katy’s skirt? Handpainted. Those little flecks of glitter on Katy’s legs? Swarovski crystal. The doll’s estimated value? $15,000. Yep—this is basically the Last Word in Katy Perry Barbie dolls.
There is also a Nicki Minaj Barbie doll that has been in the news lately, and she is UH-MAZING. Of the two, she has the better hair.
Both dolls are up on the auction block until December 19; proceeds benefit Project Angel Food.
December 4, 2011 at 8:30 am by Jenn
Apparently a lot of trashy crap went down at Nicki Minaj‘s house this past weekend and we missed it!
Law enforcement tells us, a couple of weeks ago, Nicki’s maid took a photo of the singer out of the trash and then asked Nicki to sign it. Nicki got pissed and fired her.
Cops tell us, the maid did come back today, and Nicki became enraged and ordered her to leave. A source privy to the fight tells TMZ, the maid stood her ground, demanding not to be “treated like an animal” — at which point, Nicki allegedly said, “I’ll show you how to treat someone like an animal … get the f**k out of my house!”
Now here’s where the stories are a bit conflicting. One source says — contrary to what the cops say — Nicki actually made a mistake, saw another maid and assumed she was the one Nicki had fired.
We have had multiple people involved in the incident tell us … the maid Nicki confronted was NOT the same maid she fired a few weeks ago. It was a case of mistaken identity.
Either way, Nicki’s boyfriend got in the act and began pushing the maid with his body. The maid’s boss called the cops and filed a battery report.
So, now, this is what, the second or third time that Nicki’s been involved in some kind of physical altercation (either directly or indirectly) with another person? I know some people don’t think Nicki’s cut out to be an uber-bitch, but I always thought she had this dumb, full-of-shit twattishness inside of her, boiling up and ready to come on out. And is anyone else aside from me completely sad for these maids? I mean, jeez, how embarrassing.
Get some new friends, Nicki.
October 31, 2011 at 11:30 am by Sarah
You remember Sophia Grace Brownlee. She’s the little girl who owned our hearts by doing a stellar performance of Nicki Minaj‘s “Super Bass.” She and her “hype girl” got to go on Ellen yesterday to perform that awesome cover, and it turns out they got an extra surprise: a visit from Nicki Minaj herself!
Here’s a little warning though: don’t watch the video unless you don’t want to be crying your eyes out this early in the morning. Take it from me and the grown ass man sobbing at about the 0:50 mark in the video who I think is Sophia’s father, it’s tough to watch a little girl’s dream come true without getting a little misty-eyed.