And no, I’m not talking about that poor little dog, Happy, that she found in the Walmart parking lot two weeks ago. I’m talking about a brand new dog that she adopted over the weekend. This new dog’s name is Mary Jane, and man, is she adorable:

So how many dogs does Miley have now? Five. Five dogs. Is it just me, or is that a lot of dogs? I mean, I love having pets* as much as the next person, and I understand that Miley has way more than enough money to take care of all these dogs, but does she have enough time? Does she hire nannies to come help her raise the dogs? Since it only took her two weeks between adoptions this time, should we be expecting her to bring her next dog home by the end of the week? Is she going to become an animal hoarder? So many questions. So many dogs.

I’ll attach a gallery so you can get a better idea of the precious critters roaming the Cyrus home. The ugly rug that the dogs are posing on is just a bonus.

*Speaking of pets, this happened to me a couple of days ago, and I felt the need to share. I was at the mall on Sunday, killing time before my movie started, and I wandered into the Spencer’s. While I was looking at the dragon statues or whatever, this little boy, who was probably around ten, came up to me and said “can I show you something?” I said yeah, and he pulled this toy rat out from behind his back and held it up to my face. I guess he was trying to scare me, but I was like “oh, awesome, I have pet rats at home!” And he responded with “I dissect rats.” I made some “buh!” noise, because thanks, kid, and I didn’t really know where to take the conversation from there, so I sort of started walking away, but I said “oh, you dissected a rat in school?” And he said “no, I dissect rats at home. For science.” How horrifying is that? I did walk away after that, and I went on to my movie (The Raven, by the way. It was ok.), but seriously, what an odd kid**.

**In an effort not to end things on a creepy note, let me tell you that my kitten has been sleeping in my arms like a baby the whole time I was typing this story, and last night after dinner, he climbed on my lap and purred like he wanted to snuggle, but really he just wanted to lick my lips. I didn’t let him, obviously, but then he found my boyfriend’s glass of milk and he forgot all about it.

One of the things I love about Miley Cyrus (and just to clarify, I’m not sure I would say that I love Miley Cyrus herself, but there are definitely things that I thoroughly appreciate about her) is how much she loves animals. She has the most adorable dogs, and she’s always talking about adopting pets rather than buying them. For instance, when Khloe Kardashian tweeted that she wanted a puppy, she said that Miley told her to email her her phone number so that she could speak to her about adoption. That’s really sweet, right?

If you think that’s sweet though, you’re probably going to just adore the story about how Miley met her completely adorable new puppy, Happy:

Miley Cyrus has a new reason to smile, and his name is Happy.

The singer brought home a new puppy on Tuesday, adding to her full house of dogs, including Lila, Floyd and Ziggy.

“He was left in a box in front of Walmart,” she Tweeted Wednesday. “I don’t understand how people can be so cruel. That’s why we named him Happy.”

The dog, a possible Rottweiler-beagle mix, has gone “from cardboard” to Maison Martin Margiela, according to Cyrus, who shared a photo of her new puppy lying on luxurious-looking leather.

Cyrus’s boyfriend, Hunger Games star Liam Hemsworth, was spotted yesterday picking up bags of pet food and a new dog bed from the store yesterday – and now we know why!

And just in case that wasn’t quite touching enough for you, here’s another picture of Happy:

Oh my goodness, I want one! But no really, I want one. I’ve been thinking about getting a dog for a while now. It’s not that I don’t love my guinea pigs and rats, but I’ve always wanted a dog, and I feel like it’s almost time for that to happen. The problem is that I live in an apartment, and while I believe a house is going to come our way soon, I’m not sure how to work that out. I should probably wait, right? Ideally though, I’d love to find a smaller, older dog (seriously, guys, I am so weak, and I think it would be a good idea to be able to pick up my dog) who would enjoy cuddling with me while I spend my days reading about Lindsay Lohan and talking to you guys. Any tips or suggestions or anything?

It’s possible, but I want to talk about this picture real quick before we get into it. I don’t get the thought process when celebrities do this type of thing, do you? I’m sure it would absolutely suck to get your picture taken every single place that you go (even though, you know, that’s not a surprise when you pursue this particular profession), but does Miley not realize that creeping around while pulling a coat up over her head doesn’t exactly read as inconspicuous? Did she go “I know, I’ll put on these sunglasses and place the collar of my jacket around my forehead, and no one will pay attention to me then!” Even if she wasn’t in Hollywood, if she was running around like this, she’d get noticed.

But enough about Miley and her silly pictures. Let’s talk about the rumors that Miley is in the running to be a judge on X Factor, all right?

Miley Cyrus is being eyed as a potential fourth judge on Fox’s X Factor, Celebuzz has exclusively learned.

The ‘Party in the USA’ pop star is on Simon Cowell‘s top-secret shortlist that also includes Fergie, Avril Lavigne and Demi Lovato, an insider confirmed.

“There have been talks with Miley,” the source revealed.

Whilst Britney Spears has not yet inked her deal, it’s believed to be inevitable that she will join Cowell and fellow judge L.A. Reid, the chairman of Epic Records, in a deal worth up to $15 million, the source added.

“Britney’s deal is not done, it’s close, but we are not that far ahead to be making a formal announcement,” a source told Celebuzz.

Last week, in a move believed to be tied to Spears’ new X Factor gig, a Los Angeles judge made the ‘Toxic’ singer’s fiancé, Jason Trawick, a co-conservator, allowing him to sign off on decisions related to her career.

19-year-old Cyrus’ link to the vacant role comes as Cowell seeks to replace Nicole Scherzinger and Paula Abdul, who he fired after last season.

An X Factor spokesperson refused to confirm talks with any of the stars when contacted.

Yes. If Britney Spears does finally sign on to be a judge, then the next season of X Factor will be unstoppable. Could you imagine Britney and Miley interacting with each other? It would be so much gold, it really would. They could joke about their Southern roots and do bong hits together, and … no, that’s it. That’s all I want to see. They’d probably save the “Britney and Miley Share a Bong” bit for the finale, right? Whatever, it’d be so worth the wait.

Miley Cyrus got her stitches out today, guys. Did you know that? Remember how she “cut her finger” while “cooking” with a “blender”? Yes, well today she went back to the hospital to have them take out her sutures. You’re probably wondering what the whole “Miley Cyrus is a big puss” thing is all about, and guys, don’t worry: I’m here to tell you. Miley Cyrus is a big puss because she went to the hospital to get her stitches out. I mean, who doesn’t remove their own stitches nowadays? Come on! I had a c-section nine weeks ago and I removed my own steri-strips, you know (real talk: it was awful. It was gross. It was kind of painful, and my surgeon played it off like it was no big thing).

Miley went on Twitter earlier today and let her followers know that she was on her way to the hospital to get the stitches removed and reminded us that her injury was due to a “cooking accident”:

scars remind us of where we’ve been. not where we’re going.

And now? All I can think about is that God-awful Papa Roach song, Scars. What? You have no idea what I’m on about? Well, it’s just this—and if you’ve never heard this song before, then you can thank me and hate me all in the same breath for bringing this crap into your life—OK?

Here’s the lyrics in case you couldn’t stomach the first fifteen seconds of music:

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I’m feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I’m pissed cause you came around
Why don’t you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can’t help you fix yourself
You’re making me insane
All I can say is

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you’re drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion’s in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I’m drunk and I’m feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn’t ever come around
Why don’t you just go home?
Cause you’re drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
I left my heart open
But you didn’t understand
But you didn’t understand
Go fix yourself

I can’t help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I’m sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can’t help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I’m sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

It’s just SO MILEY, guys, isn’t it?

The caption?:

As you can see i have a very busy Monday ;)

Because yes, most people lounge in lingerie during broad daylight on Mondays. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with staying in Sunday night’s pajamas well into Monday afternoon (because duh, do you know who you’re talking to?), but hanging out in the previous evening’s lingerie? Or worse, starting your day off with lingerie unless you’re on vacation somewhere tropical? Well that’s just weird, guys. We’re not in 1980′s Dynasty where it’s customary to wait for our feather-haired knights in shining armor to appear while eating bon-bons on bearskin rugs in front of the fireplace, Bon Jovi’s ‘Never Say Goodbye’ playing softly in the background. No, this strikes me as a little off.

All I know, Miley, is that your insecurity is showing, and I think there’s definitely a lot to the “Miley’s acting out because she’s afraid she’s going to lose Liam Hemsworth to a real career” thing. It shows in everything she’s done lately: the passive-agressiveTweeting of “engagement rings,” the “extreme dieting,” the verginer flashing, and I’m not even going to bring up the cutting suspicions. Nope, this girl could possibly be headed along the Amanda Bynes path, and if she doesn’t watch out, she just might end up like Lindsay Lohan. I know that’s a really awful, drastic thing to say, guys, but drastic times call for drastic measures sometimes, and I’m not quite sure I’d be all that surprised if Miley here started talking about how much she loves black dong and code words like “Bernie’s Gold Dust” or “Bolivian Marching Powder” for cocaine.

A knife wound that she inflicted upon her own finger.

Listen, you guys, I don’t like that as much as you do, the whole super misleading headline bit. It’s annoying, and if it were under the right circumstances, or about the right person or topic, it could be really upsetting, too. But when I got online this morning to check out the latest happenings, I was assaulted with headlines like “Miley Cyrus Rushed to The Emergency Room!!!” and “Miley Cyrus Hospitalized” and, my very favorite, “Bloody Miley Cyrus Goes to Emergency Room – Will She Be OK?” I had to do two whole seconds of anxious reading, two whole seconds where my thoughts raced and my imagination ran horribly wild, to figure out that the whole thing is not a big deal whatsoever.

Because yeah, Miley Cyrus accidentally cut her finger open while she was cooking:

Miley Cyrus is recovering after a trip to the hospital on Tuesday.

Photographed with white gauze thickly wrapped around her left pointer finger, the former Disney starlet “cut her finger while cooking,” her rep tells PEOPLE.

“[She] had to get a few stitches,” the rep continues. “She’s doing fine.”

In the photograph, Cyrus, 19 – clad in black combat boots and a black and white jumper covered in skulls – looked like she was experiencing a little bit of discomfort, but was tear-free.

And here’s the photograph:

All this does is make me wish that my dad had written a really popular country song so I could be famous too, because I would be all over the news always. So far this week, I’ve stepped on a fish hook, banged my head on my nightstand, tripped over my pants and skinned my knee, and burnt my hand while cooking. I like to think there would be headlines like “Emily So Bravely Handles A Boo-Boo” or “Emily Blogs Through The Pain, Is An Inspiration to Us All,” but I know it would probably be more like “Emily Is A Clumsy Bitch, Should Have Learned How to Function Without Injury in The Past 23 Years.”

By the way, I just checked Miley’s Twitter to see if she had mentioned the incident yet, and, as usual, she didn’t let me down:

I’m all stitched up & have on a splint so I’m good. As you can tell by my expression, didn’t feel so good. Curse u blender!

So wait, she cut herself on a blender? Seriously? How do you even do that? Surely she didn’t stick her hand in it while it was on, right? She must have been cleaning the blades and got a little careless, that’s all. Right?