Hey, everybody! Guess who just did an interview with Men’s Health. Mark Wahlberg! Whooo! Tell me all about it, Marky Mark!

On being ok with movies his wife chooses for date night: “As long as it isn’t a Sarah Jessica Parker movie.”

On crying during movies: “The last time I really cried a lot? During The Help. I cried about six or seven times. It was the wife’s choice, but it was a great movie.”

On being scheduled to be on one of the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center: “If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

On masturbation: “I don’t get down with jerking off, dude. Look. I don’t believe in everything that the church says. I try to do the right thing. I lead a clean and pure life. I’m a married guy. I have a beautiful wife. Sex is not the most important thing to me, being horny all the time, spanking the — I mean, it’s not against the law. You can do whatever you want. And it’s not like, ‘I shouldn’t do it because of my faith. I’m just not really that into it that much anyway.”

Mark!  What’s your problem with masturbation, buddy?!  It’s a perfectly natural, perfectly healthy thing to … wait. What did you say about September 11th?

Ok, I get that you’re supposed to be this big action hero, but that’s in movies. That’s not real life. In real life, you don’t mention a national tragedy in which lots of people died in terms of “dude, I totally would have saved the day on that one.” How do those words come out of your mouth like that without your brain realizing how insanely wrong they are? That would be kind of like saying “Oh yeah, the Holocaust? Whatever. If I was there, things would have gone different, I’ll tell you that much. I’d have been all ‘not on my watch, Nazis!’” And no, Mark, that’s not ok to say either.

To drive this important point home just a little more, here’s a statement from Deena Burnett-Bailey, the widow of one of the passengers on Flight 93:

“Does Mark Wahlberg have a pilot’s license? Then I think hindsight is 20/20 and it’s insignificant to say what you would have done if you weren’t there. The plan for Flight 93 was foiled by heroes. For him to speculate that his presence on board could have stopped everything is silly and disrespectful.  Sounds like someone is grandstanding.”

It seems like ol’ Marky Mark has been properly chastised though, because he did offer up this little apology:

“To suggest I would have done anything differently than the passengers on that plane was irresponsible,” the Contraband star told PEOPLE. “I deeply apologize to the families of the victims that my answer came off as insensitive. It was certainly not my intention.”

Please, Mark, for the sake of good people all around you: the next time you think about saying something that will offend potentially millions of people, just don’t instead, all right?

“I see the guy and spent time with him, and you see what he does and how he does it, and then you actually have a conversation with him, and it’s there. It’s there – and if not, I will extract it.”

Goldarnit, I think I have this figured out. All of these A-list actors and directors spouting off about how “talented” and “versatile” and “extractable” Justin Bieber is? It’s as sell-out. It’s them wanting a piece of the current cash cow. These guys probably despise Justin Bieber and all that he stands for, but they’re willing to overlook that in order to get a piece of that tween pie – ’til, at least, the next mini-artist comes along and they can glom onto his worldwide fame, too.

I’m sickened. Seriously. If I hear one more relatively important-ish celebrity fawn all over Justin Bieber like he’s some kind of god incarnate, I’m going to completely lose my grasp on pop culture reality altogether.

Well, my brain just exploded. Of course, I’m on my all-new no-sugar, no-carbs diet, so any mention of hamburgers, hot dogs, or ex-New Kids on the Block makes me ravenous. Still, this is straight-up incredible news: Marky Mark and brother Donnie Wahlberg are opening a burger joint called Wahlburgers. Reportedly, every burger will come dressed in a tiny pair of Calvin Klein undies, with miniature abs carved into each individual bun. Just kidding! But that would be great if it were true, right?

The AV Club:

Next year the brothers also plan to open a pizzeria, which also doesn’t have an amusing name yet. Honestly, they sort of blew their wad with Wahlburgers. But surely you can imagine all sorts of hilarious Wahlberg-based menu items for them, such as the Hangin’ Tough Hanger Steak maybe, or the Marky Mark And The Funky Lunch Special, or Dirk Diggler’s Footlongs, or the Eyein’-My Lemon Drink, and then, if you ever get the chance to visit his restaurant, you can personally suggest them to a patiently smirking Mark Wahlberg while he stares at you like he wants to punch your face.

Hee hee! Should your mom visit Wahlburgers, say hi to her for me!

It turns out that the Biebz and Marky Mark are about to do a little business together.  A little collaboration, if you will.  Now, before you get your hopes up that Justin is going to be the newest member of The Funky Bunch, let me gently inform you that this collaboration is a film.  It’s not music.  The Biebz isn’t going to lay down vocals on a “Good Vibrations” remix, and he never will.  I’m sorry.

Check out what Mark had to say about the project:

“Justin Bieber and I are going to do a movie together. We’re putting it together. Yeah, we’re doing it at Paramount. We pitched them the idea, and we talked to him [Bieber] about doing it and he loved the idea.

“Been sending me videos – he sent me a video of himself and yeah, I think he’s really talented.

“We’re going to do something interesting. More of a drama. It’s interesting, right? You want to know. I will not (be singing) and neither will he.”

Ok, let’s just get one thing straight here:  Justin Bieber is not “really talented” at acting.  I mean, musically he’s a gift to this world, an angel, I daresay, but the boy is not going to thrive in a dramatic, scripted film.  He’s just not.

Would any of you see this theoretical movie?

Remember just a few years ago when Britney Spears drove through her neighborhood with Sean Preston seated on her lap and we practically crucified her for it? The photos were all over the Internet and she was forced to explain herself in a 20/20 interview (“We’re just country!” C’mon, you have to remember that.)

Well, Mark Wahlberg was photographed doing the same thing yesterday while he test drove a hummer and it’s a considerably smaller deal. No one’s making a fuss over Marky Mark doing the exact same thing in a doorless car that he’s not used to driving in a neighborhood that he doesn’t live in. Double standard much?

Damn. Time is wild, when you think about it. I mean, there was no way we could have ever predicted that the pants-dropping white rapper from Boston would one day grow up to be a credible actor and producer. In a way, Mark Wahlberg getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame is inspirational to hacky performers and D-listers everywhere. Ke$ha, one day you could be one of the most powerful movie executives in Hollywood. Nicky Hilton, one day your name could be next to Capra and Scorsese on a short list of the best directors of all time. Guys, before we die, do you realize that we could see Justin Bieber win an Oscar for Best Song? Or even Best Supporting Actor?

Hollywood, man. You are one crunk bitch.