Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Lance Armstrong

Lance Armstrong would totally dope again

Lance Armstrong

Lance Armstrong had built himself a long and illustrious career over the years… a career which became completely demolished when it was revealed that he’d actually been illegally doping for most of it to get ahead. Whoopsies! Now that he’s got the benefit of hindsight, he surely would do things differently if he could go back in time, right?

Uh, except not. In an interview with BBC Sport, Lance revealed that, you know what? He’d actually do the same thing all over again if he suddenly found himself with a time-traveling DeLorean (I just saw Back to the Future for the first time literally like, a month ago, so bare with me on the dated reference).

“If I was racing in 2015, I wouldn’t do it again. Take me back to 1995 when it was completely and totally pervasive, I’d probably do it again. People don’t like to hear that. That’s the honest answer.”

“It’s an answer that needs some explanation. I look at everything when I made that decision, when my teammates made that decision. It was a bad decision in an imperfect time, but it happened.”

So… because it’s more publicly frowned upon now, he probably wouldn’t do it. But it was okay to do it in the ’90s because it was easily available? Okey doke. Lance also said that if he could change one thing, it would be how much of an asshole he was to everyone around him for 15 years and also, a major liar.

“For 15 years I was a complete asshole to a dozen people … that’s the man that really needed to change and never come back. If I go back to 1995, I think we’re all sorry. You know what we are sorry for? We’re sorry we were put in that place. None of us wanted to be in that place. We all would have loved to compete man on man .. naturally, clean. Yeah, we’re sorry. We all looked around as desperate kids.”

Don’t you just love when people refuse to take responsibility for their own actions and blame it on the rest of the world? So what, because crack is available, we should all just go and become crack addicts and then blame crack for being a thing? Give me a break. Good to see Lance Armstrong is as much of an asshole now as he was for those 15 years.

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Tweeting From The Womb

What’s that?  You don’t know who Cinco Armstrong is?  Why, it’s Lance Armstrong’s fifth child, of course!  Don’t worry, Cinco’s account should get verified as soon as he grows a skeleton.

According to the fetus’ profile page, it will be named either Jack or Olivia once it forms a reproductive system.  Regardless of sex, little Cinco already has 1, 946 followers, so there won’t be any issue of love in the kid’s life.  He or she will also have four siblings, a hot mom, and a father who is an American hero, not only for all that bicycle business, but also for famously fathering five children with one testicle.  You’re a miracle in so many ways, little Cinco.  Consider me one more follower.

Taking Home Max Armstrong!

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Regardless of whether or not Lance Armstrong actually wanted more children, he seemed happy as can be as he was photographed leaving an Aspen hospital this weekend with his son, Max. Lance was flanked by his girlfriend and baby-mama, Anna Hansen, and his three children from a previous marriage.

Lance immediately created a Twitter page for Max, making him the youngest person ever to have a Twitter account. Priorities, people!

Despite The Fact That No One Cares, Lance Armstrong Shares Reason For Split With Sheryl Crow

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Oh, Lance Armstrong.  If he wasn’t busy with his knocked-up girlfriend, I’d so be trying to fix him up with Jennifer Aniston.  Why?  Because his biography, the imaginatively titled “Lance”, is coming out this summer and he talks about his break up with Sheryl Crow.  I know, I know-haven’t we all just been haunted, wondering “why?” ever since their split three years ago?  Anyway, I was thinking Lance and Jen would be the perfect couple.  They could get together and lament about Brad and Sheryl and we could all try to determine which of the four of them is the most tan.

As I’m pretty sure I said last December, Lance and Sheryl broke up in 2006 because they were in different places in their lives.  “Different places” is always code for “I don’t want kids,” or “I’m gay.”  She moved on and adopted a baby boy and he got his girlfriend pregnant because he thought his spermies were all dead soldiers.

In conclusion, this is what happens to you when there is a slow news day.  I talk about long-ended relationships that no one ever cared about even when they existed.  I will now go troll the wire looking for news on celebrity deaths, divorces and melees so we never have to suffer through another story like this again.  Wish me luck!

Perhaps It’s Time to Go Back into Retirement?

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Poor Lance Armstrong has broken his collarbone in Spain on Monday, after crashing during the first stage of a five-day race. This was supposed to be Lance’s big return to cycling after coming out of retirement.

Armstrong, who was caught in a pile-up about 12.5 miles form the stage’s finish in La Vuelta de Castilla y Leon, appeared to be in considerable pain as he was helped into an ambulance headed to the Rio Carrion hospital in Palencia, the Associated Press reports.

Doctors are determining whether Armstrong will need surgery, according to race spokesman Jacinto Vidarte. The injury could prevent the champ from racing competitively for four weeks.

Personally, I blame Kate Hudson. Everything her vagina touches turns to injured. We could use her in the war, actually. We could just take dust from her vagina and sprinkle it over Al Qaeda training camps and the whole place will break their leg or slit their wrist within weeks. We’ll call it Agent Bloated-Face. No one will ever guess.

Anyway, yeah, wishing a speedy recovery for Lance, of course, but maybe it’s time to rethink the comeback plan, dude.

How Pissed Off Do You Think Sheryl Crow Is?

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Lance Armstrong is going to be a dad again.  He and Anna Hansen, his girlfriend of five months are reportedly expecting.

Lance had his swimmers frozen after his 1996 diagnosis of testicular cancer.  His three children, Luke, Isabelle and Grace were conceived through in-vitro fertilization.    But this kiddo has come about the old-fashioned way.  Usually, testicular cancer treatment kills sperm.  They aren’t supposed to survive like some sort of nuclear fallout cockroaches.

When Lance and Sheryl Crow broke up a couple of years ago, it was because they were in different places in their lives.  After the split, she went on to adopt a baby boy which is awesome.   But now Lance is going to have a child with this new girlfriend.  It reminds me of my first true love.  We were together for over five years and I wanted to marry him.  And he just wasn’t ready.  I respect honesty and I’m pretty egotistical so I couldn’t be with a guy who didn’t really, really want to marry me.  So I left.  I Googled him not too many years later to find out he was, of course, married.  So it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be married; he just didn’t want to be married to me.  Which sucked.   In Sheryl’s case, hopefully she sees that this wasn’t about a conscious choice to have kids as much as it was about some damn, fucking resilient, stealth super-sperm.

Congrats to the couple.  Sometimes the best things come from the unexpected.