Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Lance Armstrong

Tweeting From The Womb

What’s that?  You don’t know who Cinco Armstrong is?  Why, it’s Lance Armstrong’s fifth child, of course!  Don’t worry, Cinco’s account should get verified as soon as he grows a skeleton.

According to the fetus’ profile page, it will be named either Jack or Olivia once it forms a reproductive system.  Regardless of sex, little Cinco already has 1, 946 followers, so there won’t be any issue of love in the kid’s life.  He or she will also have four siblings, a hot mom, and a father who is an American hero, not only for all that bicycle business, but also for famously fathering five children with one testicle.  You’re a miracle in so many ways, little Cinco.  Consider me one more follower.

Taking Home Max Armstrong!

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Regardless of whether or not Lance Armstrong actually wanted more children, he seemed happy as can be as he was photographed leaving an Aspen hospital this weekend with his son, Max. Lance was flanked by his girlfriend and baby-mama, Anna Hansen, and his three children from a previous marriage.

Lance immediately created a Twitter page for Max, making him the youngest person ever to have a Twitter account. Priorities, people!

Despite The Fact That No One Cares, Lance Armstrong Shares Reason For Split With Sheryl Crow

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Oh, Lance Armstrong.  If he wasn’t busy with his knocked-up girlfriend, I’d so be trying to fix him up with Jennifer Aniston.  Why?  Because his biography, the imaginatively titled “Lance”, is coming out this summer and he talks about his break up with Sheryl Crow.  I know, I know-haven’t we all just been haunted, wondering “why?” ever since their split three years ago?  Anyway, I was thinking Lance and Jen would be the perfect couple.  They could get together and lament about Brad and Sheryl and we could all try to determine which of the four of them is the most tan.

As I’m pretty sure I said last December, Lance and Sheryl broke up in 2006 because they were in different places in their lives.  “Different places” is always code for “I don’t want kids,” or “I’m gay.”  She moved on and adopted a baby boy and he got his girlfriend pregnant because he thought his spermies were all dead soldiers.

In conclusion, this is what happens to you when there is a slow news day.  I talk about long-ended relationships that no one ever cared about even when they existed.  I will now go troll the wire looking for news on celebrity deaths, divorces and melees so we never have to suffer through another story like this again.  Wish me luck!