I just lied to you—I don’t even think Jess’s maternity line is even out yet, so what must be happening here is that Kourtney raided Jessica’s maternity closet (what? She probably has one) and this was the first thing she could grab before being caught. It was dark. That’s the only explanation I have.

Here you see Kourtney Kardashian toting her first child, Mason, around while being all sorts of pregnant and wearing jumpsuits. One thing about this family is that they love ugly jumpsuits, for real. Granted, the color’s lovely (really lovely—one of my favorite colors) and despite being a virtual Hefty CinchSak, it actually is kind of flattering on the pregnant Kourtney’s bulbous belly, but it’s still ugly as sin. Ugly. As. Sin.

Luckily, we shouldn’t be subjected to these kind of bad decisions for much longer—rumor has it that Kourtney’s going to give birth any day, but she’s going to miss being pregnant. Kourtney recently Tweeted:

I love being pregnant! Such a magical and beautiful feeling. Feeling blessed!

Yes, magical and beautiful. So magical and so beautiful that girlfriend’s completely oblivious to everyone and everything around her—including ugly clothes. Oblivious.

Aww, bless your hearts! It’s been over a month since we last showed you any new lingerie ads featuring those lovable Kardashians! I know you’ve been just sick over this, and I know that you can’t bring yourself to purchase a piece of lingerie or swimwear until you’ve seen it modeled on the body of a Kardashian woman. I’m truly sorry for this, and it will never happen again, if I can help it.

But instead of prolonging your heartache even more, let’s go ahead and discuss the photo, all right?

It’s pretty similar to the other ads in a couple of ways. Khloe, despite being covered up (again), is the first thing your eye, or at least my eye, goes to in the photo. She’s also the fiercest Kardashian, by far. Kim and her rack look way Photoshopped. And Kourtney, well … she’s there. I appreciate Kourtney and everything, but this just doesn’t seem like her thing.

And just because I feel bad that it’s been so long since you’ve seen one of these ads, I have an extra bit of Kardashian news for you: they’re not going anywhere! We already knew that they signed a contract for three more seasons, but last week, we pondered if people still cared about them. Guess what: they do! The premiere of the seventh season of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, which aired on Sunday, had nearly three million viewers, which was up 16% from the last season premiere. So yeah, their popularity is apparently on the rise. So drink that in for a moment.

Did you guys watch the show on Sunday? Are you going to make a purchase from the Kardashian Kollection? Are you still trying to boycott this family? Let’s talk about it!

Sorry, but yes, people do still care about the Kardashians. A few weeks ago, we learned that the family signed on for three more seasons of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, and with the stunts that Kris Jenner pulls, I don’t think they’ll have a problem with getting viewers. But here’s the good news: it looks like people are starting to care less about the Kardashians. And that’s something, right?

From the Huffington Post:

Over the years, the Kardashians have made a fortune selling almost every aspect of their lives — from baby pictures to wedding exclusives — to celebrity weekly magazines. The sisters have even posed in bikinis to make a little extra cash. But after their long and profitable run, it looks like interest in the family is starting to run out.

“No one wanted exclusive access to Kourtney’s baby shower,” the editor of a weekly magazine told me. “Kris [Jenner] tried to trick everyone, [saying] the shower was going to other magazines for $80,000 so everyone would bid higher. But it backfired on her and, in the end, she just gave the pictures to US Weekly for almost nothing.”

A spokesperson for US Weekly declined to comment on whether the magazine bought the images and, if so, how much they paid.

“The weekly magazine market is changing week by week,” another insider tells me. “There are so many reality stars willing to give stories away to get attention that selling access no longer is worth paying the big bucks.”

Still, celebrities are continuing to make money from selling their private photos.

Jessica Simpson recently sold her new baby girl’s pictures to People magazine for $800,000, but that figure pales in comparison to the record $14 million Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got for pictures of their twins back in 2008.

And although Kris didn’t get as much as she wanted for access to Kourtney’s baby shower, insiders tell me to expect momma Kardashian to attempt to sell images of Kourtney’s new baby when she arrives.

As further proof that people don’t care as much about these people as they used to, the most exciting thing I got out of that whole story was that we’re probably going to get to see pictures of Jessica Simpson‘s baby soon. How precious will those pictures be? Way more precious than pictures from Kourtney’s baby shower, to be honest.

Although I suppose we should be broadening the parameters to include week, month, year, and – oh! right – ever.

Let’s just do this one by the numbers, shall we?

At the :13 mark, I just love how Khloe almost biffs and heads down the steps. That are about two and a half inches in rise. Love you girl!

:27. Kris Jenner makes me want to punch small, furry animals in the face. Hard.

:30. Yup. Still wanting to punch small, furry animals in the face.

:35. Any particular reason we’ve had to endure so much of Kris Jenner’s f-cking geriatric shimmying? Anyone?

:47. OF COURSE Kim‘s main lyric is “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir.” You know what that means, people who don’t speak French? It means WILL YOU SLEEP WITH ME TONIGHT. Tramp.

1:04. My four-year-old just asked me why that lady was wiping her bum on the steps. I told her because she was a nasty, nasty lady.

1:10. What’s with the slo-mo hair whipping?

1:20. That’s as low as Kim can go? Doubt it.

1:28. Looks like an excerpt from Kim’s sex tape. Just with clothes and no F-list black man who’d later be partially responsible for the death of Whitney Houston.

Did I miss anything? Covered it all, did I?

It’s an ad for the new Kardashian Kollection swimwear collection, and unlike that lingerie ad, this one hasn’t been Photoshopped at all!

Oh goodness, you guys, I can’t keep that up all the way throughout this whole story: the Kardashians are Photoshopped. There, I said it. They’ve been ridiculously Photoshopped. Just look at Khloe and her torso. Do you see her waist? Or rather, her lack of one? I’m not calling her fat, because she’s not, I’m just saying that I’m pretty sure her waist measurement isn’t the same as an eight-year-old’s. But really, get a good look at her hand there: hand on hip, pretty normal pose, right? Except after the Photoshopping, she’s just got her fingers oddly placed on her waist, and what used to be her hip has been replaced with air. I’m not even going to start on Kourtney and Kim. The magic of editing, right?

Of course, all the Kardashian girls have already expressed their excitement over the photo. Kim did it by way of her blog, and Kourtney and Khloe went through their beloved Twitter, but here’s what they had to say:

Kim: ”We’re so proud of the swimwear collection and I think you guys are going to love it!! I’m wearing the blue ruffle bikini, which is one of my favorites!”

Kourtney: ”Ready for summer in my Kardashian Kollection bikini! What do you guys think?”

Khloe: “Love this new pic of me and my sisters rocking our Kardashian Kollection swimwear line!!!!  So ready for summer!!!!!”

What I want to know is how this whole thing happens at all. I know that excessive Photoshopping is pretty much the norm nowadays, but how does it work? Do the models see the pictures and go “oh my gosh, no, edit out the majority of my body,” or do photographers and editors sit the models down and let them know that they plan on editing out the majority of their bodies? Do the models just assume that once the photos actually get to where they’re going they’ll inevitably be Photoshopped beyong recognition? Are the models ever upset about it, do they worry that they’re not pretty enough already, or is it just part of the procedure now? And lastly and most importantly, does anyone really think that we won’t notice?

You know, there’s a question that’s been burning deep inside of me for quite some time now (and no, it’s not just the kidney stones, either) and I need an answer. I need one. Why do photographers feel the compulsion to Photoshop such hellacity into each and every one of the Kardashians’ faces? Putting all biases aside, they’re pretty enough girls. They do alright on their own. Why interfere in that with poorly-done computer-generated imagery when things are just fine the way they are? Because do you see the above ad for the Kardashians’ new lingerie collection at Sears? It’s flat-out awful. Just … bad. Of course, the lingerie is just fine, and even though all three of them are way bustier than they appear to be in real life, the girls’ faces are just too much for me to handle, and not in a warm, fuzzy way. It’s all way too much.

Khloe, though, for one? Well, she loves the way the photo looks. On Twitter she said, “OMG how fab is this new ad for Kardashian Kollection lingerie?!? Nothing makes me feel sexier, plus it’s all so comfy! Killing two birds with one stone! LOL.” Comfy? Lingerie is comfy? In what parallel universe is lingerie comfy? See, when I think ‘comfy,’ I think ‘granny flannel’ and ‘argyle knee socks’. ‘Yoga pants’ and ‘camisoles’. Definitely not abrasive lace that always rubs your cracks and crevices the wrong way, padded underwires that poke and prod and bruise ribs, or thigh-highs that don’t want to stay up on their own. But yeah. ‘Comfy’, right?

Incidentally, the shoot was done by Annie Leibovitz, whose work becomes more and more questionable as the days go by. Also, what’s with the spray-tanner, and why is it so heavily concentrated on their faces? Is someone trying to send a message here?

The ladies may be quite pretty, and everyone likes lingerie (though let’s not fool ourselves with words like ‘comfy’ here), but this ad? It’s just complete crap, much like the quality of lingerie sold at Sears probably is anyway.