Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Kim Kardashian

But What Did Kim Get Kanye for His Birthday?

A photo of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian

I know, you guys. I know. Two stories about the beautiful love of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West in one day, that’s got to be a nauseating first, right? But listen, it’s Kanye’s birthday, and around these parts, we treat birthdays like the special days they are, and Kanye isn’t going to be excluded from that just because he’s a jackass.

But let’s think about this for a moment: if you were shopping for someone like Kanye West, what would you get him? He certainly has more than enough money to buy himself whatever he wants, so I’d probably go with something more sentimental, like a picture of us in a cute frame or something like that. I’d get him a sweet card too, and write something really meaningful in it. Then I’d take him to a nice dinner somewhere, or cook something for him. I find that when I have no idea at all what kind of gift to give someone, just generally making a big fuss works well.

Does Kanye’s loving girlfriend, Kim, think the same way as I do? Nope. Not at all. Not even a little bit. Because here’s what she decided to give Kanye:

It’s a Lamborghini, if you’re not familiar with excessively fancy cars. A Lamborghini that cost Kim about $750,000. Honestly.

Kanye’s on tour right now in Ireland, so he won’t be able to receive his gift just yet. The good news is that Kim is flying all the way to Ireland tonight to be with her man on the day he turns 35. And isn’t that the sweetest part of all?

Kanye Really Wants to Marry Kim, I Guess

A photo of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian

I mean, come on, who wouldn’t want to marry Kim Kardashian? Kim’s spouses get super fancy weddings, a television show, and all the humiliation and regret that they could ever hope for! And look at that ass! We could all do a lot worse in life than being Mr. Kim Kardashian.

Kanye knows this, because Kanye has knowledge of all things. And he’s trying to lock this down real quick.

From Life & Style:

After eight months of battling with estranged husband Kris Humphries, Kim Kardashian’s boyfriend, Kanye West, is now putting the pressure on her to speed up the divorce!

An insider reveals in the new issue of Life & Style, on newsstands now, that Kanye is pushing Kim to give the NBA player whatever he wants to go away — so the rapper can pursue his plan to marry her!

“Kanye wants to marry Kim, and he’s telling her to expedite the divorce so they can start their future,” a source close to Kim tells Life & Style. “Kanye’s like, ‘Just do whatever you need to do to make it go away.’”

“Kim’s starting to come around to Kanye’s way of thinking,” the insider admits. Kim quickly became serious with Kanye — publicly calling herself his girlfriend — and they’ve even put their LA homes on the market so they can look for a rental together.

“As things get more and more intense and comfortable, both Kim and Kanye hate being apart,” the insider tells Life & Style. “And as they grow closer, Kanye’s desire to marry Kim — and hers to be married to him — keeps getting stronger.

And while Kim thought her prenup would guarantee a quick divorce, Kim hadn’t counted on Kris’ demands. A source close to the case says Kris is demanding $7 million to settle, while his team insists Kris wants Kim to admit she married him only for fame and money.

Is this bitch seriously going to get married again so soon? I know that this isn’t the first time that this idea has been brought up, but … seriously? I was going to say that marrying Kanye so fast would make me lose all respect for Kim, but that would imply that there was respect there to begin with. I just can’t imagine what goes on in her head, but I guess that’s a good thing.

All that being said though, I’m really glad that Kim picked Kanye as her next victim. Mostly because I have an elaborate scene planned out in my head where Kanye goes to the final divorce hearing, and just before it’s over, he jumps up onto the judge’s bench, looks at Kris, and says “Yo, I’ma let you finish, but Kanye West had the best proposal of all time!” Then the lights go down and strobes come on and he sings “Gold Digger” to Kim and then flashes her a ring. I have all the faith in the world in Kanye.

This is Kris Humphries’ New Girlfriend, Fatmire

photo of kris humphries new girlfriend fatmire pictures
And before you say, “Why, didn’t he just say that he was going to be single ’til his divorce from Kim Kardashian was final, Sarah?” the answer is “yes.” He absolutely did.

Wait, what’s that? You don’t quite remember? Well there was this big old report from Radar Online, citing multiple sources who all said that Kris would be taking his marital estrangement seriously and wouldn’t keep the company of another woman until lawfully able. It went something like this:

… Media reports circulated on Monday that Humphries was spotted at the beach in Miami, with a Kim Kardashian look-alike, and there was speculation the duo are dating. However, our sources tell exclusively, “Kris won’t even consider dating anyone until his divorce to Kim is finalized. Kris is very much aware that Kim is dating Kanye West, and he could truly care less. He wishes her nothing but the best, and if she can be happy with Kanye, great. He just isn’t ready to date yet and doesn’t want to get in a serious relationship right now. Kris isn’t living like a monk and goes out with his buddies to clubs,” a source close to the situation tells exclusively.

Got that, right? Well TMZ claims that the woman he’s been keeping company with—a woman by the name of Fatmire Sinanaj—has been his girlfriend for the past six months. Sounds pretty serious to me, if I say so myself. And gosh, isn’t she just a class act?

Haha, I’m totally kidding about all that. Honestly, someone looks like a cheap version of the already-really-cheap Kim Kardashian. I mean, honestly. Didn’t Reggie Bush do the same damn thing after he and Kim split up? Went ahead and found the trashiest Kardashian-looking chick he could find? Yeah, he did. It was this chick:

photo of melissa molinaro reggie bush girlfriend pictures
Come on. Kim Kardashian’s all “pretty” and stuff, but let’s be realistic. If I truly wanted the “real” thing, and couldn’t have it? Well I sure wouldn’t be settling for someone who looks like Kim Kardashian on crack with scabies. Damn.

Images courtesy of TMZ

Music and Video to Slit Your Wrists To on This Fine Sunday

Ahem. By the numbers, now, shall we?

:32 (this is going to be a long one, guys). Already I want to kill myself. How am I going to make it through the remaining four-plus minutes? Pack it in and hold on folks.

:41. Good thing Kendall and Kylie Jenner have their MOM to teach them how to dance like little whores on a boat. These two have a long road of fun cut out for them, let me tell you.

:55. Who are the wannabe-Kardashians? And why would anyone WANT to be a Kardashian?


1:18. Scott Disick is officially an embarrassment to all white men ’round the world.


1:27. Weird Kardashian brother. Stop pretending that you don’t want to hump Kim’s ass, weird Kardashian brother.


2:12. … Still recovering. And only Kim Kardashian would spray tan in the Dominican Republic.

2:27. Told you it was Kim’s ass.

2:40. “Have sex on rugs that’s Persian.” Let me guess: YOU’RE PERSIAN, KIM, AREN’T YOU.

3:15. One of those Jenner girls probably has skin cancer today.

3:16. … And Bruce Jenner was definitely about to slap her ass.

3:22. Wait. Where’s Khloe and Lamar?

3:56. Why can’t this ship just sink?

4:13. Wait. Kourtney’s water just broke? LIARS.

4:17. Kris Jenner is really classy spouting “motherf-cker” all over the place.

And that, guys? Is how you get shit done on a Sunday morning. Dear God.

Get Ready for The Divorce of The Decade!

A photo of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries

From Radar:

Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are scheduled to have their depositions taken in their ongoing divorce proceedings at the end of June, is exclusively reporting.

As we previously reported, Humphries’ lawyer plans on asking Kim about her decision to keep the $325k white Ferrari that was given to the former couple by a wealthy Malaysian businessman as a wedding gift, amongst other matters vexing her soon-to-be ex-husband.

Kardashian filed for divorce after only 72 days of marriage, and has since moved on to date Kanye West.

“Kim’s deposition will take place at her lawyerLaura Wasser’s office at the end of June and Kris’ attorney Lee Hutton will do the majority of the questioning,” a source close to the former couple tells “The deposition is scheduled to last for an entire day. Kris’ deposition will take place in Minnesota towards the end of June also and Kim’s attorney will have to fly from California for that. Kris lives in Minnesota during the off season and this is where his attorney is based. His deposition is also scheduled to take a full business day.”

As previously reported, Kris is pushing hard for their divorce case to go to trial and for cameras to be allowed to film the proceedings, something the usually publicity-hungry Kardashian is vehemently against.

“Kim is just livid that she has to be deposed. She has tried to get out of it, but there is no way she can,” the source says. “Kris is ready for his deposition to be taken and just wants the truth to get out about what really happened when they were dating and after the wedding,” the source says.

Despite all the hours I’ve spent watching Law and Order: SVU, I actually don’t know all that much about law. Shocking, right? But I know that some of you are much more knowledgeable than I am in this area, so just give it to me straight: am I going to be able to hear every single thing that Kim and Kris discuss in these depositions? They’re supposed to spend an entire business day each talking about their relationship and the divorce, so are they going to video it and release it on E! or something? Can I at least read some notes about it? Because I am dying to hear Kris talk about Kim for eight hours.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West Are Both Selling Their Homes, I’m About to Kill Myself

photo of kim kardashian and kanye west pictures
From TMZ:

Kim Kardashian and Kayne West have both discreetly listed their homes for sale, setting the stage for the big, “We’re movin’ in together” … TMZ has learned.

Kim has given a “pocket listing” to a realtor for her $4.8 mil Beverly Hills home — a pocket listing doesn’t appear in official real estate documents. We’re told Kim’s asking price is $5 million.

Ditto Kanye, who listed his L.A. home as well — again, a pocket listing.

Sources close to the couple confirm … both are selling their homes so they can rent a house together. They’re looking for a really private place to live … behind gates.

So this means that they’re moving in together. It has to. Unless they’re making a suicide pact, and, in which case I would not advise them upon one way or the other, there’s no other reason for both of them to be completely dropping off the real estate grid unless they were going to embark upon a joint venture. Together. Which is guess is redundant, since I already said “joint.” But it is what it is.

I’m also hearing rumors that the two are going to get married, soon, too, and it’s probably going to be a very private, low-key affair*. And that Kanye is just dying to knock Kim up. From Us Weekly:

“They’re seriously talking marriage…and yes, she would,” they said.

As we saw during Kim’s shortlived marriage to Kris Humphries, who she’s still waiting to divorce, the reality star was desperate to start a family, and Kanye could be that man to finally give her what she wants.

“Kanye can’t wait to see her carrying his child,” the insider said. “He says she will look beautiful pregnant.”

Oh. Well, that’s good then. I mean, Kanye does seem the type to really concentrate on what his wife/babymama looks like while she’s pregnant. Honestly, f-ck the whole “healthy” thing. As long as the bitch looks good with a swollen Kanye-baby belly, that’s all that really matters in the world. Priorities priorities, folks.

*Of course it’s not going to be private or low-key. We’re talking about Kim Kardashian and Kanye f-cking West here. If you look up those two names in the dictionary, under “antonyms,” you’ll see “private” and “low-key,” along with “classy,” “tasteful,” and “genteel.”

Quotables: Kristen Stewart Says Kim Kardashian is “Faking It”

photo of kim kardashian and kristen stewart pictures

“Yeah, but they’re lying while that video is being made. The act is in itself a lie. You’re faking something. The girl is lying there, she’s pretending that she doesn’t know the camera’s on, she’s getting banged, and “accidentally” it leaks out? Everyone leaks their own sex tapes! That’s a ploy to get famous—that’s not about the sex. It’s not like when Madonna did her Sex book, and it was an artistic endeavor where she acknowledged it and spoke about it and was so upfront about it. It’s different. It’s not upfront. It’s not honest. It’s a ploy to get famous.”

OK, so she wasn’t *directly* talking about Kim Kardashian, but I’m going to draw that line and make the connection, because really. Who else out there is only famous because of some skanky, piss-filled sex tape? Come on.

Also, Kristen‘s right. Granted, she’s wearing her Captian Obvious underoos the whole time she’s discussing this particular subject (the moral of the story is “People just wanna be famous and ZOMG SEX”), but hey. We’re going to take it and keep it filed away in our admiration drawers, because not many celebrities have this elevated self-awareness that allows them to talk sense—even if it is obvious sense.