Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Katy Perry

Katy Perry is Painfully Unfunny

But her hair sure does look cute, doesn’t it? I guess if you cover up your biggest assets, all you’ve got to fall back on is your hair, huh? I mean, there’s no attempting to validate Katy through her gross-assed husband (seriously, what the hell does she see in that gritty gitch), that’s for sure.

Also, is anyone else kind of concerned that Katy‘s hosting SNL rather than performing? Is this her big transition into television and film, or is Robyn really more famous than she is these days?

Russell and Katy: Divorce Rumors? What?

Photo: Katy Perry and Russell Brand kissing

Katy Perry and husband Russell Brand attended David Lynch’s “Change Begins Within” benefit last night, where the couple smooched for cameras. In other, more candid photographs, Perry looks genuinely excited to be holding her husband’s hand. Ah! Young love.

Can we move along to something more important now? Like Katy’s hair? Because I can’t remember the last time her hair looked so good. It’s a little windswept, and she has kind of a cowlick, but the cut and texture look great. And that with that color—blonde with pink highlights—she almost looks like Jem! I even think her dark roots are kind of cool. Like, I want this to be my Next Hair. Maybe I will print these photos out and take them to a salon.

But that dress? No. No way.

Katy Perry and Nicki Minaj Barbie Dolls

Photo: Katy Perry Barbie doll, valued at $15,000

You are admiring a one-of-a-kind Katy Perry Barbie doll, designed by Amy Lee of Mattel. Those tiny 70 cupcakes on Katy’s skirt? Handpainted. Those little flecks of glitter on Katy’s legs? Swarovski crystal. The doll’s estimated value? $15,000. Yep—this is basically the Last Word in Katy Perry Barbie dolls.

There is also a Nicki Minaj Barbie doll that has been in the news lately, and she is UH-MAZING. Of the two, she has the better hair.

Both dolls are up on the auction block until December 19; proceeds benefit Project Angel Food.

Is Katy Perry Headed Towards Broadway?

A photo of Katy Perry

The answer: maybe. See, if My Week with Marilyn, the movie where Michelle Williams looks absolutely flawless as Marilyn Monroe, does well, producer Harvey Weinstein has big dreams of developing the story for Broadway, and if that move goes well, his first choice for the lead is none other than Katy Perry.

Gag me with a spoon.

There have been times before when I bitched about pop stars and teen idols making the leap to theatre. It just makes me sad, the thought of tons of kids screaming during a production of Les Mis like they’re at the Teen Choice Awards or something. But, as some of you have wisely pointed out in the comments, if it gets a younger audience into theatre, then it’s a good thing. And I can accept that. Here’s what I can’t accept: Katy Perry acting.

Her Sesame Street skit? Her bit on SNL? Her Proactiv commercial, for heaven’s sake? Come on now. To watch Katy Perry say scripted words for a minute and a half is tragically amusing at best, and someone is thinking of making her the star of an entire show?

And here I thought society was making progress.

Is Katy Perry Pregnant?

A photo of Heidi Klum and Katy Perry

Well, if we’re to judge by this here picture of Katy Perry with Heidi Klum at Sunday night’s American Music Awards or by a handful of other pictures from that night’s festivities, the answer would be a pretty solid “eh, yeah, i could see it.” Let’s face it, either Katy’s pregnant, she had a little too much food, or she needs to fire whoever picked out that dress for her*. So which is it? Does Katy Perry really already have a baby growing inside of her?

To quote Katy herself, “Hell no!” And if that’s not enough, don’t worry, this girl isn’t afraid of spelling it out:

“I like In-N-Out Burger and Taco Bell and if you want to make that pregnant that’s your problem,” she told The Insider. Among her other thoughts on pregnancy: “I still love drinking alcohol so not yet.”

During a concert at Madison Square Garden last week, Perry joked to the crowd that if she was rubbing her “bloated belly” during the show, it wasn’t because she’s about to be a mom. She said she had just been having too much fun sampling the “delicious” food in and around New York City.

There you have it. All that’s in Katy Perry’s tummy is fast food and liquor: no fetuses yet! Well, at least until the People’s Choice Awards in January. Do you think Katy could pull a Beyonce?

*Actually, she should go ahead and fire anyone who has ever picked out any clothes for her ever.

Quotables: Katy Perry Has A Really Refreshing View on Having Children

A photo of Katy Perry

“If it doesn’t hurt the first time, I’ll keep popping them out!”

- Good ol’ Katy Perry reveals her ideology on giving birth.

This sounds like pretty solid logic to me! How many kids do you think Katy will end up popping out? I mean, I’m aware of the “man, that whole ‘pushing a child out of your body’ sure does hurt a lot” mindset, but I’ve also heard a couple ladies say that it wasn’t as bad as everyone makes it out to be (and I cannot comment on the quantity or quality of drugs they may have been on at the time). Wouldn’t it be great if Katy was one of those ladies? Then she and Russell Brand would have a zillion kids and a few times a year or so Katy would put on the pink hair and some preposterous outfit and say “watch them babies, Russ, Mama’s gotta go shoot whipped cream out her boobies!” And then Russell takes a quiet moment to himself while the children are screaming and running around the house to meditate on what exactly he’s done.

Or maybe Katy will give birth once and throw in the towel because goddamn this hurts. I don’t know. The unpredictably is what makes it fun!

Watch This: Katy Perry’s Official Vid for “The One That Got Away”

The Internet, with all its promises of Diego Luna, just tricked me into watching the new Katy Perry video, “The One That Got Away.”

Don’t get me wrong—this is not a great music video. It’s silly. This isn’t a very good song, either (to adapt something my friend Matt once said about Rihanna, “She’s really good at riding one note”). When she’s “acting,” Katy Perry is given to melodrama, and ugh, the old-age makeup she’s wearing is just terrible.

But Diego Luna…! Real, actual-good-actor Diego Luna…! So handsome and artistically tortured, with his leather jacket and his hair all wild! Leaving Katy Perry in a fit of indignant ire! Oh, no! Now they’ll never grow old together! Oh, no!

It’s as credible a romantic scenario as any, and then there’s all that wistfulness and that Johnny Cash song, and in spite of myself, I may have gotten the sniffles. (Or maybe I bawled uncontrollably and rolled around the floor for awhile.) Damn you, Perry! Damn you!