Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Katy Perry

Quotables: Russell Brand Talks Katy Perry Split Again

photo of katy perry and russell brand together pictures

“Sometimes it goes well, sometimes it don’t, but if you sort of sense there’s an incompatibility, then in any relationship regardless of the status of the individual, it kind of is best to go separate ways. I think if you’re someone who’s really into mountain biking, it would be good to go out with someone else who’s into mountain biking, and if you’re really into Eastern mysticism, go out with someone else who into Eastern mysticism. I think if you’re a devoted tennis professional and you get married to a crystal meth addict, you might have trouble … I’ve been in a lot of trouble.”

So … what’s he saying? Does Katy like mountain biking? Did they break up over mountain biking? Because man, I know that if I were married to someone who was always up my ass to go mountain biking (I’m not a fan of mountain biking, or, to be quite honest, exercising much in any form—I’m more of a, “Hey, you go mountain biking, and while you’re gone, I’ll cook a lovely dinner and homemade apple pie, and after dinner, we could watch reruns of I Love Lucy” or some shit and oh by the way I’m going to stay in my pajamas and drink wine the entire damn time, OK?”), then jeez. I’d divorce their sorry exercise-maniac self, too. Gosh.

No, but seriously. Of course I get him. I understand what Russell‘s saying. I’m not a complete moron, I promise. He’s saying that there was just a staggering bit of incompatibility, and I get that. And to be quite honest, though I don’t think his stand-up routine is the funniest thing in the world (my personal favorite? Mitch Hedberg. OH MY GOD was that guy funny as balls), I do seem to like him more and more each and every time he opens his mouth lately.

Russell, +4, Katy -12.

Here’s Mitch, by the way. It’s not his funniest stuff, but even his non-funniest stuff is the funniest stuff I ever heard, which I know, makes no sense. And which is probably why I like Mitch so much, too, because he also makes no sense. That seems to be a common theme with me. Mitch:

Katy Perry Wants to Do the Eat, Pray, Love Thing, Too. Oh, and She Almost Married John Mayer Last Week.

photo of katy perry pictures eat pray love volcano twitter pic
See this picture? It’s Katy Perry. On a volcano-top. The best part is probably the caption on the photo, though. It reads:

I ate, I prayed, I climbed a volcano.

So, so deep, Katy.

In previous days, Katy’s Twitter feed has looked something like this:

Getting some shit out my chakra’s! #eloquent

Starting the day with a group meditate #breakfastofchampions

I can feel the phoenix rising.

Hopefully when Katy talks about getting “shit” out of her chakras (and not “chakra’s), she means John Mayer. Because guys. I heard something that really left me quite unsettled, even though I think Katy Perry’s a big stupid asshole and nothing about her should surprise me at this point anyway. But do you know what I heard? I heard that Katy Perry and John Mayer almost got married during their recent trip to Las Vegas. No joke. Word is that the two got wasted and thought it’d be a great idea to, you know, tie that knot, because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you have a pure, enduring love, but the two backed out when they realized that they just couldn’t stand up straight at the altar—translation? They were too drunk to go through with it.

Even worse, Katy’s allowing John to move in with her in a sense. And it’s because it’s just “easier” for John to stay at her house rather than at hotels while he’s in L.A., so she’s gone ahead and given him a key to her house. A friend says that it just makes sense, guys, so there’s no arguing with it:

“John thinks it is easier to stay in hotels rather than his own L.A. pad when he visits from New York. But Katy insists he should stay with her. She thinks it makes sense.”

Ugh. Is there anyone more depressing and embarrassing and sad as this chick? I’m starting to feel bad for Katy Perry, and that’s quite a feat, considering all things.

Katy Perry and John Mayer are Visiting Strip Clubs Together Now

photo of katy perry and john mayer pictures photos
From People:

The on-again off-again couple were spotted in Sin City early Sunday morning. With a group of friends, the duo spent their night out at Spearmint Rhino … a strip club!

“They were together in a group,” an onlooker tells PEOPLE. “As for whether they got dances, they were in a strip club … you do the math.”

The group had so much fun, they stayed until 5 a.m.

Yes, because the only thing creepier than the idea of Katy Perry at a strip club, mauling all of the seedy strippers, is the idea of John Mayer at a strip club, mauling all of the seedy strippers. Together.

In what can only be best described as Katy’s last-ditch effort to resuscitate a weird relationship that’s better off non-existent, the “couple” visited a strip club in Las Vegas, as you read above. The two were said to have a big blowout before the MTV VMAs, and have only gotten back together over their mutual love of boobs. From Zee News:

Singer Katy Perry and partner singer John Mayer reportedly had a huge fight before appearing for the MTV Video Music Awards ceremony.

The couple was seen in a glum mood at the award night Sep 6.

“John and Katy had been to dinner at Italian restaurant Madeo before going to the party and something had clearly gone on,” quoted a source as saying.

“When they turned up to the Esquire event, Katy was walking well in front of John and it was clear they had just had a fight,” the source added.

They could not shift their bad mood to a happy one.

“Inside, their tempers were both boiling and they eventually disappeared to have it out in a private room away from other partygoers,” the source said.

And what, oh what, did they do in that private room, dare I ask? Did it have anything to do with strippers? Because I definitely think it probably had a lot to do with strippers. Gross.

Wait! Katy Perry And John Mayer Are Back Together!

A photo of John Mayer and Katy Perry

Do you see that photo? Ok, now you see that douchebag in the top row wearing the white cowboy hat? That would be John Mayer. And, as you can see, that raven-haired lady to his left (our right, you guys, I’m not talking about the girl in the polka dot dress with the drunk face) is none other than Katy Perry. This picture was taken last night at a music festival in L.A. BOOM.

And here’s another blurry picture from some girl on Twitter, just in case there are any doubters among us:

A photo of John Mayer and Katy Perry

So what happened? I believe that these two knuckleheads really did break up – it was in People, after all – but I’m not sure what happened to reunite them. Did John reconsider his heartbreaker instincts? Did he realize that Katy is the absolute best he’s going to get? Did Katy beg him to give her another chance?

Yep, it looks like it’s that last one:

A source close to the recently divorced pop star says Perry isn’t over her breakup with the crooner, and has been “texting John late at night asking him to take her back.”

The insider says, “She’s been really depressed and needs attention,” adding that, “she really liked him and thought it was going to be something serious.”

As Confidenti@l reported last week, the “Wide Awake” singer put the brakes on communicating with Mayer briefly after their early August split, but we hear the radio silence didn’t last long. A source says Perry got word one of Mayer’s pals was having a birthday party at Shore Bar in Santa Monica, which is owned by Perry’s friends John Terzian and Adam Koral.

The buxom brunette arrived there hoping to run into her ex “by accident,” but upon seeing Perry, we hear Mayer’s friends warned him of her presence. “He purposely skipped his own friend’s birthday so he wouldn’t have to run into her that night,” says the source, who is close to both parties.

Perry was first linked to Mayer in June. “She has been calling and drunk-texting him even after her friends have told her not to,” says the source, adding that Perry’s been hanging around other men “to make him jealous.”

Reports say Mayer dumped Perry over e-mail.

A rep for Perry did not respond for a request for comment.

Man, who would have thought that Katy Perry would be just like that girl you know who gets drunk and sloppy and starts texting every guy she’s ever been in a relationship with? Oh, everyone thought that? My bad, you guys.

John Mayer Dumped Katy Perry Via Email

photo of katy perry and john mayer dumped email pictures photos
Whoa, is Katy Perry turning into creepy Taylor Swift, whose estranged boyfriends are too afraid to dump her in person, so they opt for phone or email instead? Burn, I guess, because that’s what pretty much happened—John Mayer, sick of Katy Perry’s hard-partying ways, dumped girlfriend in an email. A source says, “He [John] dumped her [Katy] over email. She was furious and really hurt. She was into him, but he wasn’t feeling it.”

And I guess I’m not all that surprised. While, yeah, Katy Perry’s not one of my most favorite people in the world, John Mayer is even less so, and he would take the cheap way out and kick Katy to the curb through electronic mail.

However, can we back it up a second here and talk about how John Mayer supposedly dumped Katy Perry because of her partying habits? Because man. Katy must really be off the hook in a Lindsay Lohan kind of way if no one wants to get serious with her because she’s a wasted mess. Is Katy becoming the class drunk of Hollywood? You know, people pumping and dumping her because, yeah, she’s easy and she’s hot, but she’s no one to get settled with because really, who wants to clean up tears and vom every time they go out to a club or a bar? Or public, for that matter? I knew people like that in a different lifetime, and guess what—ten years later, they’re still alone and so, so desperately do not want to be.

Get a grip, Katy. Jeez.

Why John Mayer really dumped Katy Perry:

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John Mayer’s Got Feathery Breakup Hair Because of Katy Perry and Robert Pattinson’s Moving in on That Sh-t

photo of john mayer hair cut pictures
(Pattinson’s moving on on Katy, that is, not John Mayer‘s feathery breakup hair. You know. To be clear.)

And I’m sorry, but there’s just something so inherently douchey about guys who feather their hair. It was douchey in the seventies, and it’s douchey now, and John Mayer being the poster child for douchey behavior only encourages the “douchey” label to be slapped right on the “feathered hair” trend. DOUCHEY.

I guess John doesn’t have to worry all that much, though, anyway—even though Katy was rumored to be reeling from the shock of being dropped like a hot potato by someone with hands that look like potatoes, reports are saying that Katy and the newly-single Robert Pattinson (who are friends, by the way) will probably be getting it on soon. If they haven’t already, that is:

Last night the two were spotted on a romantic candlelit dinner for two, but rather spending it slagging off their exes Kristen Stewart and John Mayer, the attention was very much on Katy’s boobies. Nice. A source told The Sun: “She wore a tight, sparkly top and Rob was looking at her breasts all night. He tried to avoid it when talking to her but as soon as she looked away to talk to someone else, Rob would sneak a peek.”

Hm. So maybe that’s why Kristen’s been all titty-titty-gung-ho with that fancy new push-up bra, because let’s be honest. If we’re comparing the boobs of Katy Perry to the boobs of Kristen Stewart, I think Katy Perry probably has it on lockdown, don’t you think? It’s like comparing apples to … well, to that wall over there.

See what you’ve done, John Mayer? Talk about stirring the pot. Damn.

Image courtesy of The Superficial

Aww, Just When Katy Perry Was Starting to Fall for John Mayer, Too

photo of katy perry pictures
Emily gave you guys the rundown the other day that John Mayer had kicked Katy Perry’s sweet tits to the curb, and did you think it was going to end right there? Because oh hell no. No, word on the street is confirming that John was the one to end the relationship, and Katy’s all broken up about it, because she was really “starting to fall” for John. (Insert ‘gag’ here.)

From People:

“They weren’t serious, but she was really starting to fall for him,” a source close to Perry, 27, tells PEOPLE. “She wasn’t seeing forever with him, but saw it lasting longer than it did.”

I guess this says a lot for the state of John Mayer’s confidence. If he’s willing to pump and dump every A-list chick he can get his hands on (even if they’re just fleetingly A-list), he’s going to do it, and do it without worrying that maybe he won’t get his grubby little fingers on another. Because clearly, he’s not worrying that maybe he won’t get his grubby little fingers on another. BECAUSE HE WILL GET HIS GRUBBY LITTLE FINGERS ON ANOTHER.

Another source says that John’s already moved on, and he’s looking for his latest victim. Eyewitnesses placed him at the Soho House this past Thursday night (sans Katy Perry, of course), moving in on two women while drinking and making bedroom eyes. He probably took both of them home that night, too.

Just to recap? Here’s some of the women that John Mayer has hooked up with (some for sure, and some alleged; alleged are denoted by asterisk):

Katy Perry
Miley Cyrus*
Vanessa Carlton
Jennifer Love Hewitt
Jessica Simpson
Minka Kelly
Jennifer Aniston
Cameron Diaz
Taylor Swift
Giada de Laurentiis*

I mean, gosh. Who’s next? Better question, really—who’s left?