11LOL Justin Bieber is Launching a Fragrance for Deh Wimmenz

Let’s take a guess as to what it’s going to smell like. I’m thinking something like ABC gum (har har har), nocturnal emissions, and … pencil shavings. Yup.

And you know what? Justin himself claims that the scent is a ‘fruity gourmand,’ so I’m probably pretty close with my guess. And also, what teenager (aside from the ones who have NYU lit graduates as publicists) uses the word ‘gourmand’? I’m no idiot, but I had to Google that shit to make sure I read it right. I’m sure I could have whipped out my good old context clue skills to figure out what he specifically meant by this, but THIS IS THE AGE OF TECHNOLOGY, guys. NO ONE has to think for themselves anymore, you know?

Anyway, the perfume is called ‘Someday,’ and while Justin himself didn’t create it, he had a large hand in how the concept came to life:

“Let’s be real, the way a girl smells is very important to a guy! I have such a deep connection with my fans, so creating a fragrance that I personally love is another way I can bring them closer to my world.”

Yes, let’s be real, shall we?: there’s no fucking way I’d spend $55 on ANYTHING even remotely related to Justin Bieber.

May 20, 2011 at 5:30 am by Sarah

4Quotables: Britney Spears Just Found Out About Justin Bieber

“I think he’s adorable. I just saw his movie, and I really didn’t realize how big he was. He’s enormous; he’s just Mr. Man. A lot of the movie is really similar to what I did when I was starting out. I did a promo tour for a year, going into radio stations and all that. It was so cool to see our similarities.”

- Good ol’ Britney telling Harper’s Bazaar about that newfangled Justin Bieber.

Seriously though, what sort of crazy spell do you have to be under to have just noticed the majesty of Justin Bieber? Britney might be broken, but last time I checked she wasn’t the kind of broken where she can’t open her eyes or ears to observe the world around her.

I know that you guys are special and privileged in that you get regular updates on the Biebz, but do you know people like Britney who aren’t aware of Mr. Man?

May 17, 2011 at 12:30 pm by Emily

1Donny Osmond (LOL) Has Some Advice for Justin Bieber

“I look at the experiences that I’ve gone through as a teeny bopper (and) having that I look at Justin Bieber and my heart breaks for him because I know what he’s going to go through, he knows that, everybody knows that… That kind of success at that age can really bite you in the shorts… Put on the seat belt, buddy, because it’s going to be a bumpy ride and there’s going to be times when people say you’re not talented any more. Never give up on yourself.”

Donny Osmond, offering some pearls of wisdom to the ‘teeny bopper’ Justin Bieber. One major thing I noticed about Donny Osmond? He looks like a much older version of Justin Bieber. Is this what we have to look forward to as the Beeb ages? A Donny Osmond incarnate? All I know is that Bieber would be well-advised to stay away from any Dancing With the Stars appearances, in the event that the show is still on by the time Justin Bieber starts to become irrelevant. We all know what that did for good old Donny at any rate.

May 17, 2011 at 6:30 am by Sarah

9Justin Bieber Kisses Selena Gomez, Talks Shit About Marg Helgenberger

What’s better than two chaste young lovers giving one another chaste, staged, kisses in public? A heated battle of the wits between one of said young lovers and a seasoned actress, thirty or forty years his senior.

All you guys know exactly what I’m on about. Emily covered it earlier: CSI‘s Marg Helgenberger thinks Justin Bieber is a brat.  So here’s Justin’s response to Marg’s comments:

Oh SNAP. It’s ON.  But you know, Justin didn’t even stop there:

So here’s the funny thing. I’m so beyond the Justin Bieber fascination, and I frankly want to slit my wrists over the swooning young girls that fall all over themselves while they envision the Beeb serenading them with ‘Baby’ (even though I was totally one of them at one point, just over Isaac Hanson instead), but I’m kind of on the kid’s side with this one. I’m not necessarily saying that he’s right in blasting self-righteous tirades on Twitter about how adults should act, but he IS just a kid. And a kid is going to be a kid, brat-like or not. I like Marg Helgenberger, but throwing Justin under the bus for being an annoying seventeen-year-old prankster is just petty and sad.

Note to Marg? Just keep trying to get that check by playing Catherine Willows. I know it’s no Justin Bieber-like role, but it’s what you’ve got right now, girl. Do try to keep on the straight and narrow.

May 9, 2011 at 5:30 pm by Sarah

1Quotables: Justin Bieber Is “Kind of A Brat”

“I suppose I shouldn’t be saying this, but he was kind of a brat… Actually, he was really nice to me but he locked one of the producers in a closet. And he put his fist through a cake.”

- CSI cast memeber Marg Helgenberger on Justin Bieber‘s behavior on the set of the show.

Ok, I’m sure that Marg here isn’t a liar.  I’m sure that while Justin was on CSI he did lock someone in a closet and punch a cake, but I’m also sure that he had good reason. He’s not a heathen, you know. He’s a humble, considerate, adorable young man, and if he punched a cake, then that cake fucking deserved it.

May 8, 2011 at 1:00 pm by Emily

3New BFF Alert: Justin Bieber and Mark Wahlberg!

It turns out that the Biebz and Marky Mark are about to do a little business together.  A little collaboration, if you will.  Now, before you get your hopes up that Justin is going to be the newest member of The Funky Bunch, let me gently inform you that this collaboration is a film.  It’s not music.  The Biebz isn’t going to lay down vocals on a “Good Vibrations” remix, and he never will.  I’m sorry.

Check out what Mark had to say about the project:

“Justin Bieber and I are going to do a movie together. We’re putting it together. Yeah, we’re doing it at Paramount. We pitched them the idea, and we talked to him [Bieber] about doing it and he loved the idea.

“Been sending me videos – he sent me a video of himself and yeah, I think he’s really talented.

“We’re going to do something interesting. More of a drama. It’s interesting, right? You want to know. I will not (be singing) and neither will he.”

Ok, let’s just get one thing straight here:  Justin Bieber is not “really talented” at acting.  I mean, musically he’s a gift to this world, an angel, I daresay, but the boy is not going to thrive in a dramatic, scripted film.  He’s just not.

Would any of you see this theoretical movie?

April 28, 2011 at 11:30 am by Emily