Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Jon Gosselin

Oh, You Will Absolutely Die Of Shock When I Tell You Who Everyone Says Has a Small Dick

Could it be true? Could it even be possible that the hunky chunk of man that I lust after all day could possibly have a small package? Sure, sure. Everyone who’s ever slept with him has made claims recently that he’s working with some lackluster man meat, but the pure sexuality that he radiates tells my heart otherwise.

First it was just his ex Hailey Glassman who described his junk to Stepping Out Magazine as “tiny, tiny, tiny.” She said they would often discuss his tiny manhood explaining, “He said, ‘You know how subconscious [sic] I am of down there. I would tell him to his face, ‘I don’t think you would cheat on me because you’re so small.’”

I can’t imagine why a handsome man like Jon would deal with these abusive women, but apparently this is something he’s used to. Another source has spoken to Stepping Out and they said that his original abuser, ex-wife Kate, was much harsher on him and referred to his penis as “Stubby.” Like, that was the nickname she gave it.

These reports sound pretty convincing, but I’m going to have to keep my faith in Jon intact. I mean, how else do you explain all that hot young tail he’s able to reel in?

Jon Gosselin is Having Sex With a 25-Year Old in Hawaii

Even though Jon Gosselin brought ex-girlfriend Hailey Glassman to Hawaii not that long ago, he’s already back with new girlf, Morgan Christie. What can I say? I guess Hawaii is Jon’s pussy zone. I think Jon feels most comfortable putting the moves on someone he clearly doesn’t deserve to be having sex with after slamming down a couple Mai Tais to the sounds of a ukulele band. Jon has never embodied what I imagine a former IT exec to look like anymore than he has in these photos. Fat, sunburnt, divorced, scamming on some chick almost a decade younger than him. Woof.

Jon Gosselin Willing To Renegotiate His Children’s Emotional Health

Remember when Jon Gosselin said that his kids could no longer film their TLC reality show because he decided that it was bad for them? OK, well, he takes that back. It’s now being reported that Jon and Kate are in talks to bring the kids back in front of the cameras for Kate’s reality show, with Jon getting a cut for his kids’ labor.

From Fox News:

“Kate is taking advantage of every opportunity,” a source close to Gosselin tells Fox411. “She is working her butt off, making payments on the house and finding new jobs and new projects that will pay her enough to secure the life she wants to provide the children. She is in demand and she wants to sustain the demand without overdoing it.”

Meanwhile, Jon is struggling to slide out of the mess he created for himself when he forced filming of “Jon & Kate Plus Eight” to stop last year. Sources say he is in talks with TLC to reach an agreement to allow them to film the family again.

“Jon does not have money for the intense lawyer fees and ensuing battle with the media giant and Kate has asked him to reconsider his decision for the family,” the source said. “She is willing to negotiate with him and TLC so that everyone gets what they want.”

But while the former couple is working toward a professional relationship, don’t expect them to become the best of friends any time soon.

Don’t worry, Fox News. I didn’t expect the two of them to go all BFF on us just ’cause they’ve figured out how to make money off of their kids again.

I should add that I actually really respect what a shithead Jon Gosselin has turned in to. On the show he only had a tiny little bit of visible douchey-ness and after the show it got pretty apparent and now it’s just like “I’m here, I’m queer, gay used to it”, except with being an asshole and a horrible parent instead of being a homosexual. I mean, he’s flying that flag so hard right now. There’s definitely something respectable about that level of commitment.

Wild Moose Seen Making Out With Younger Girl All Over Sundance

This is gnarly. Jon Gosselin and his new girl, Morgan Christie (remember that name because she’s had to have sex with Jon Gosselin in order for it to appear on your radar and that’s dedication, folks) have been seen sucking face all over Park City this week. And yes, it’s as upsetting for everyone there as it is for us at home, according to US Weekly:

He and Christie were spotted making out Friday at House of Hype party at Cisero. “Tons of PDA, holding hands, kissing,” an onlooker tells UsMagazine.com. “They kept walking around, it’s not like they tried to be discreet and stay in a corner.” And despite Christie’s actual age, the law-school student “looked anywhere from 19 to 23,” the partygoer says. “Anyone who saw him remarked how inappropriate it was. Gosselin seemed to love the attention.” As for Christie, another guest that night says she was “super clingy and got jealous when he talked to other girls.”

“Other girls”. Sick. I’m still not sure what’s in this hook-up for Morgan. She’s a young and attractive enough girl that she could probably bag any C or D lister in Park City this week, so why she chose the one with eight kids and no signs of a promising career is beyond me. And get this: 32-year old Jon is staying with 25-year old Morgan this week… at her mom and dad’s Park City mansion. What a gross, moochy weirdo. 32-year old fathers of eight who are in the position to take time off of their lives to go to Sundance can put themselves up in a hotel before staying at their new girlfriend’s parents home. Show some damn class for once in ya life, Gosselin.

Oh and P.S. If you wanna know what Kate’s up to, she’s at home playing with her ponytail. If that doesn’t crush your heart, I don’t know what will.

How Does This Meatball Keep Getting Laid?

Yesterday Jon Gosselin paraded his new 25-year old girlfriend, Morgan Christie, around Washington D.C. for the paparazzi. Morgan is the fourth post-Kate girlfriend that Jon’s had and the second youngest. But why? Jon Gosselin is the grossest dude ever. He’s categorically unattractive at this point. You might have been able to argue that he was kind of sort of good looking before he started dressing like the fat Jersey Shore castmate, but at this point he looks haggard. And embarrassingly underdressed for his age. Oh yeah, and he has eight kids. Dealbreaker!

Pardon me in advance, but I can’t figure out what’s wrong with these women that date him. Am I to believe that Jon Gosselin is misunderstood and that’s how he continues to manage to reel in reasonably attractive 20-something women? One of the women he was seeing, Kate Major, had a writing job that she quit for him. It was for a tabloid, but she was a working writer and she quit her job (and sullied her name like a mother fucker) so that she could get with Jon Gosselin. To think that anyone out there is so blinded by the allure of infamy that they’d put themselves in this position is unreal. Someone should start a program for women who have self-esteem low enough to bone Jon Gosselin. That should be a public service as much as “don’t drink and drive” is because having people you know that had sex with a post-Kate Jon? Well, you might as well die.

According to US Weekly, Jon and Morgan met while snowboarding at the same Utah resort, which is just freakin’ adorable. An “insider” says of the couple, “Jon adores Morgan and is trying his best to keep her out of the spotlight while he tries to figure out his life.” Sounds like the real deal to me! Somebody better rent those kids Stepmom so they know what’s coming!

Jon Gosselin’s New Girlfriend

I’d rather be writing about how much I love this snow that’s been falling for three days straight. But duty dictates that I start the day instead by talking about Jon Gosselin’s new penis sheath. Papa Jogo must have some serious game he can only run in Utah. He picked up his new ladyfriend, 25 year old Morgan Christie, in the same ski resort where he snowplowed Deanna Hummel back in ‘aught nine.

“They’ve been inseparable…They talk on the phone and text throughout the day, and Morgan flew to New York right after Christmas to be with him. Jon is going through a really tough time… He and Morgan are becoming very close, but he’s being really cautious because of everything he’s been through. Still, the Enquirer claims that “Jon is so into Morgan that he is thinking about moving to Utah to be closer to her.”

I have to know what his pickup lines are, and why they seem to work so well in Utah. Maybe having 8 babies is like a mad aphrodisiac in the Beehive State. (That’s really the state nickname. Sometimes truth is funnier than anything you could make up.)

I’m gonna go outside and roll around in some frozen dog poo now so I feel a little less disgusting. Writing about Jon Gosselin’s romantic exploits just does that to me.

Hailey Glassman Is Now Team Kate

This little wench is turning out to be quite the media pro!

When Entertainment Tonight asked Hailey Glassman — who recently lost her position as the nightly remover of Jon Gosselin’s Ed Hardy shirt — what she thought of Kate Gosselin’s new hairdo, she had this to say:

“I like it! It’s a little shocking due to how short it was before. I think a new look is a new start and happier times. She’s like fine wine. Better over time. Did I mention how great her body looks? I wonder who her surgeon is? Jon’s poison. He plays the victim when he is the villain. This is also a way for her to throw it in his face. Jon always gave her shit about having short hair. Props to Kate. She can now be a MILF!”

A point of clarification: Kate’s surgeon is Hailey’s father. So that’s actually an honest-to-goodness joke and not a backhanded compliment.

I’m loving this Glassman chick’s uncanny way of sticking around the spotlight for waaaaaay longer than she should be. How much longer do you think she’ll make it? A week? A month? A year? WILL SHE GET A WEAVE PUT IN?? Only time will tell.