16How Does This Meatball Keep Getting Laid?

Yesterday Jon Gosselin paraded his new 25-year old girlfriend, Morgan Christie, around Washington D.C. for the paparazzi. Morgan is the fourth post-Kate girlfriend that Jon’s had and the second youngest. But why? Jon Gosselin is the grossest dude ever. He’s categorically unattractive at this point. You might have been able to argue that he was kind of sort of good looking before he started dressing like the fat Jersey Shore castmate, but at this point he looks haggard. And embarrassingly underdressed for his age. Oh yeah, and he has eight kids. Dealbreaker!

Pardon me in advance, but I can’t figure out what’s wrong with these women that date him. Am I to believe that Jon Gosselin is misunderstood and that’s how he continues to manage to reel in reasonably attractive 20-something women? One of the women he was seeing, Kate Major, had a writing job that she quit for him. It was for a tabloid, but she was a working writer and she quit her job (and sullied her name like a mother fucker) so that she could get with Jon Gosselin. To think that anyone out there is so blinded by the allure of infamy that they’d put themselves in this position is unreal. Someone should start a program for women who have self-esteem low enough to bone Jon Gosselin. That should be a public service as much as “don’t drink and drive” is because having people you know that had sex with a post-Kate Jon? Well, you might as well die.

According to US Weekly, Jon and Morgan met while snowboarding at the same Utah resort, which is just freakin’ adorable. An “insider” says of the couple, “Jon adores Morgan and is trying his best to keep her out of the spotlight while he tries to figure out his life.” Sounds like the real deal to me! Somebody better rent those kids Stepmom so they know what’s coming!

January 20, 2010 at 1:29 pm by Molls

13Jon Gosselin’s New Girlfriend

I’d rather be writing about how much I love this snow that’s been falling for three days straight. But duty dictates that I start the day instead by talking about Jon Gosselin’s new penis sheath. Papa Jogo must have some serious game he can only run in Utah. He picked up his new ladyfriend, 25 year old Morgan Christie, in the same ski resort where he snowplowed Deanna Hummel back in ‘aught nine.

“They’ve been inseparable…They talk on the phone and text throughout the day, and Morgan flew to New York right after Christmas to be with him. Jon is going through a really tough time… He and Morgan are becoming very close, but he’s being really cautious because of everything he’s been through. Still, the Enquirer claims that “Jon is so into Morgan that he is thinking about moving to Utah to be closer to her.”

I have to know what his pickup lines are, and why they seem to work so well in Utah. Maybe having 8 babies is like a mad aphrodisiac in the Beehive State. (That’s really the state nickname. Sometimes truth is funnier than anything you could make up.)

I’m gonna go outside and roll around in some frozen dog poo now so I feel a little less disgusting. Writing about Jon Gosselin’s romantic exploits just does that to me.

January 9, 2010 at 10:26 am by Kelly

10Hailey Glassman Is Now Team Kate

This little wench is turning out to be quite the media pro!

When Entertainment Tonight asked Hailey Glassman — who recently lost her position as the nightly remover of Jon Gosselin’s Ed Hardy shirt — what she thought of Kate Gosselin’s new hairdo, she had this to say:

“I like it! It’s a little shocking due to how short it was before. I think a new look is a new start and happier times. She’s like fine wine. Better over time. Did I mention how great her body looks? I wonder who her surgeon is? Jon’s poison. He plays the victim when he is the villain. This is also a way for her to throw it in his face. Jon always gave her shit about having short hair. Props to Kate. She can now be a MILF!”

A point of clarification: Kate’s surgeon is Hailey’s father. So that’s actually an honest-to-goodness joke and not a backhanded compliment.

I’m loving this Glassman chick’s uncanny way of sticking around the spotlight for waaaaaay longer than she should be. How much longer do you think she’ll make it? A week? A month? A year? WILL SHE GET A WEAVE PUT IN?? Only time will tell.

January 7, 2010 at 12:54 am by Evil Beet

2Hailey Glassman’s Lawyer is Giving Jon Gosselin Too Much Credit

Over Christmas, Jon Gosselin had his New York apartment broken in to and completely ransacked. All signs pointed to Hailey Glassman, Jon’s now ex-girlfriend, who supposedly hates Jon now. However, the 22 year old says that she had nothing to do with the incident and her lawyers are backing her up by saying that it’s likely Jon is staging this whole break-in for publicity.

From People.com:

What reportedly clued Gosselin into a possible link with Glassman, who split with the reality-show dad in recent weeks? A note that she’d allegedly written, pinned to his dresser with a butcher knife.

But, says Glassman’s attorney, Anand Ahuja: “Somebody is trying to frame my client.”

And who’s an obvious suspect for that kind of crime? How about anattention-starved Gosselin? “I don’t know anything about any note and I can’t confirm it at this time,” Glassman’s other attorney, Stephanie Ovadia tells PEOPLE. “This appears to be a publicity stunt.”

Glassman did take items from the apartment, on which she split the rent with Gosselin – but everything she took belonged to her, according to her lawyers.

While doing anything for publicity would probably be a smart move for Jon right now (in terms of celebrity, anyway. In terms of being a human he should probably go hang out with his eight kids), I wouldn’t give the guy that much credit. He seems to be about as smooth as your mother’s face when it comes to these sorts of stunts.

December 29, 2009 at 8:00 am by Molls

7Quotables

“Don’t kid yourself. When I’m driving to get school supplies with the kids or try on shoes . . . it always crosses my mind that I should be in the passenger seat and Jon should be driving. Every single time.”

-Kate Gosselin on the struggle of being a single mother. This quote was taken from the final episode of their show Jon and Kate Plus 8 and dug up by US Weekly in light of the Gosselin’s divorce being finalized today.

December 18, 2009 at 10:25 am by Molls

45Who Was The Most Annoying Celebrity of 2009?

2009 was a particularly annoying year in terms of celebrities. And well, most things. But celebrities for sure. Today the SCTimes.com printed their list of the 10 most annoying celebrities of 2009 and I couldn’t agree more with their picks:

1. Jon Gosselin — This guy is so annoying that he made his wife Kate seem less annoying than usual this year. Once the couple split, which you may have heard about in the media, he made one annoying move after another. His wife, on the other hand, took the high road, assuming you believe that the “high road” is granting a series of TV interviews in which you whine about your money problems.

2. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt — This couple actually walked around in 2009 with their own video camera, hoping to sell the footage to a cable network for a reality show. These self-serving people set out to annoy the world, and they succeeded.

3. The Kardashians — Frankly, I initially couldn’t decide among sisters Kim, Kourtney or Khloe, or even their mother Kris. This reality-show family lifted annoyance to an art form. Kourtney had a baby this year, and Khloe married Los Angeles Lakers forward Lamar Odom, so we’re giving them a partial pass. Although Kris raised these three annoying young women, I’ve got to give the most annoying award to Kim. But, in the interest of fairness, let’s just call them all annoying.

4. Perez Hilton — For those of you who do not track the world of celebrity blogging, you probably assume I’m talking about someone related to Paris Hilton. This guy is not related to anyone named Hilton. His real name is Mario Armando Lavandeira, and he took the heiress’s name because he worships her. How annoying is that? Anyway, this guy has become a celebrity in his own right by mocking other celebrities on his blog. The most annoying (and despicable) thing he did in 2009 was reporting the death of former “Charlie’s Angels” actress Jaclyn Smith and, when she announced that she was very much alive, this bottom-feeder didn’t have the courtesy or class to apologize.

5. Kanye West — I’ve got news for you; even if he didn’t do that obnoxious thing to Taylor Swift on that awards show, he still would have made this list. I grind my teeth whenever this guy opens his mouth.

6. Levi Johnston — The father of Sarah Palin’s grandchild decided he wanted to be an annoying jerk when he grows up. On one TV show, he was joined on a panel by Jon Gosselin. It takes one to know one.

7. Nadya Suleman — You might know her better as “The Octomom.” I use the word “celebrity” loosely in discussing her, but I had no plans to write a list of the “Most annoying mother of 14 children,” so I had to include her here. I don’t really have to explain why she is annoying, do I?

8. Joe Jackson — The father of the late pop singer Michael Jackson transcends annoying, particularly when he seemed to be trying to benefit financially from his son’s death. He hardly belongs in what is supposed to be a lighthearted column, but his face annoys me, so how could I keep him off this list?

9. Miley Cyrus — Is she old enough to retire yet? I am so sick and tired of her and her father. She grates on me, and I thought I’d never get rid of her, but if she keeps pulling stunts like that little dance on the stripper pole at the Teen Choice Awards, I won’t have to put up with the Cyrus family much longer. Once Miley slips out of public favor, her father will soon follow.

10. Kara DioGuardi — It wasn’t her fault that the people behind the TV show “American Idol” decided to expand the judge’s table to four. The singer-songwriter probably was doomed to failure before she started because viewers didn’t like the change, but she certainly made the worst of a bad situation. Was it just me, or did she start to annoy from day one? She seemed awkward, and the more she tried to ingratiate herself with the audience, the more awkward it got. The producers tried to convince us of her musical credentials, but nobody was buying the sales job. When she wrote a lame song for the competition, she was exposed.

While I’d probably cut the Kardashians from the list (I can’t hate them. They are so harmless and dumb to me and that Khloe makes me laugh) and move Miley up a few notches, I think this is more or less a great list. However, there are plenty of other celebrities out there who grated on our last nerve this year. Tila Tequila, Mischa Barton and Lady Gaga are three people I could deal with hearing less about.

Who’s your pick for the most annoying celebrity of 2009?

December 17, 2009 at 3:02 pm by Molls