Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Jessica Simpson

Everyone is Pregnant!!!

Evil Beet Gossip new writer Bobby Pfeiffer pregnant photos, picturesHello world!

My name is Bobby and I will be your new celebrity gossip writer as of the beginning of February. I know that you are going to be ruthlessly critical, and I expect nothing less. Until recently, I, too, used to tear apart celebrities and authors alike in the comments, but consider yourselves warned! To get this job I had to bribe and coerce and blackmail people, and when that didn’t work, I sent Sarah a severed horse head, so no funny business.

Just kidding. I am, in fact, quite harmless. My specialties include photography, rock and roll music, and kittens*, and my goal for this year is to somehow manage to work the word idempotent in a sentence. It also happens that I am in a sort of a Jessica Simpson situation at the moment – not even nine months after I had my first baby, my husband went ahead and knocked me up again. This very much leads me to the theme of my very first post for Evil Beet – pregnant celebrities!

photos of Busy Philipps Malin Akerman Jessica Simpson Amber Rose pregnant picturesSo without further ado, here’s a list of 12 celebs who will be procreating at various times this year (in no particular order):

1. Evan Rachel Wood

There was no love lost between Evan and, well, almost everyone on Evil Beet so far, but I like the gal ever since I saw her in Thirteen. She is expecting her first child with husband Jamie Bell sometime in the Summer.

Photo of evan-rachel-wood-sundance-portrait-image pictures2. Kristen Bell

The sloth-loving Kristen Bell is preggers with her first child from Dax Shepard, and if crying uncontrollably at the sight of sloths isn’t a good enough reason to like her, Kristen is also outspoken on issues like same sex marriage and animal welfare. She’s due in the Spring.

Photo of Kristen Bell pregnant pictures, photos3. Amber Rose

Model Amber Rose is expecting a very laid back (and possibly tattooed) child with Wiz Khalifa, and is ready to pop any minute, forever changing the the way her vagina photographs.

Photo of pregnant Amber Rose

4. Jenna Dewan-Tatum

I don’t have any idea who she is, but they say her husband is hot so there you go.

5. Holly Madison

Former Playboy bunny/stripper/reality star Madison, known mainly for her utter lack of style, is expecting a girl in March.  For the delivery, she’s rumored to either wear a mustard yellow floral nylon dress, or nothing.

Photo of Holly Madison pregnant6. Kate Middleton

Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Cambridge had a rough first trimester but she seems fine now, unless you refer to the latest portrait of her, in which case she doesn’t.  I really hope Kate puts on some weight during this pregnancy; it makes me feel uneasy watching her right now.  She looks … sort of malnourished.  Or maybe I’m just jealous because I know I’ll turn to a whale long before I reach full term.  A Great Blue Whale.

Photo of Kate Middleton baby bump7.  Sophie Dahl

Dahl is pregnant with her second child, but I have a feeling that despite of being Roald Dahl’s granddaughter and a former plus-size model, many of you might not consider Sophie a celebrity.  If that’s the case, let me remind you that she was on the cover of Vogue, like, 500 times, and that makes her at least more famous than you and I.  Besides, you gotta love how much taller she is than her husband.

photo of sophie dahl pregnant

8. Busy Philipps

I LOVE Busy. She is so pretty and real, and she always steals the show even though she’s not necessarily in the A-list headlines all the time.

Photo of Busy Philipps pregnant9. Peaches Geldof

This here British celebrity who is famous for being famous is going to have another baby boy, and oh! god. She intends on naming him Phaedra.  Let us all roll our eyes on a count of three.

photo of peaches geldof pregnant10. Malin Akerman

No, Malin wasn’t impregnated by French-kissing Tom Cruise -she is expecting in June by her legitimate husband who, presumably, put a bun in her oven the conventional way.

Photo of Malin Akerman pregnant11. Jessica Simpson

I suspect that Jessica actually learned the trick of getting pregnant so soon after giving birth from Britney, but then again Jessica’s fiance is quite cute and I don’t see why the hell not.  Jess is going to have a boy.

Photo of Jessica Simpson pregnant12. Kim Kardashian

And finally, the worst, most terrible celebrity couple, Kimye. Typing this nauseates me, so I’m just going to give you a funny picture of Kim and leave it there.  There’s nothing much to say about it anyways, except maybe to loosely quote Chelsea Handler who predicted that, considering its parents, this baby will be “tanned and very hairy.”

Photo of Pregnant Kim Kardashian

*I’m sure you’ll be missing Emily’s kittens so I promise to post photos of mine as often as I can.

Photos courtesy of Just Jared, Glamour Magazine, and Splash News.

IT’S A BOY!

A photo of Jessica Simpson

Well, that sounds like an early headline, doesn’t it? But don’t worry, everything’s fine. It’s just that Jessica has gotten to that stage in her pregnancy where the fetus grows its reproductive organs. And it grew boy parts!

Apparently, Jess is really excited to have a son: it’s her “dream come true.” When she was growing up, she always wanted a little brother, and she’s just so glad that her daughter Maxwell will be able to have that. That’s nice, isn’t it? I love when things go well for Jessica Simpson.

In other adorable Jessica Simpson news, she was on The Tonight Show earlier this week and she gave some pretty classic statements, like this gem:

“We’ve had two different wedding dates, but he keeps knocking me up. I’m doing it very backwards, I know! I’ll just keep my legs crossed this time.”

Oh, Jessica. Never, ever change. I love you too much.

And speaking of other things I love too much, here’s what happens at the foot of my bed every single night:

Are you feeling all the love yet?

Jessica Simpson Got Her Own Sitcom!

A photo of Jessica Simpson

When I think about the things that the world needs, a sitcom starring Jessica Simpson, based on her life, is actually pretty high up there. It’s probably like no more wars, more equality, less poverty, Jessica Simpson sitcom. In that order.

Luckily, Jessica herself has realized this, and so did some people who could make it happen. So it’s happening. Yes.

From Us Weekly:

Ready for your closeup, Jess? Second-time mom-to-be Jessica Simpson is set to star in an NBC comedy pilot presentation inspired by her own her life, Deadline reports.

The project, which does not yet have a title, will be a fictionalized version of the singer-turned-actress-turned-fashion mogul’s colorful life in the public eye. It is being produced by Universal Television and Electus, the company behind Simpson’s other current TV series, Fashion Star.

“We are thrilled to team up with the multitalented Jessica Simpson to bring this new sitcom to life on NBC as she is truly a modern-day Lucy with incredible comedic chops,” Electus founder and chairman Ben Silverman said. “From running a fashion empire to wrangling her public image as a new mom, we see Jessica’s character approach a variety of ‘everyday’ circumstances that will get audiences laughing out loud.”

“I am so excited to work with Ben and NBC again, this time on a scripted comedy,” Simpson, 32, added of the semi-autobiographical venture. “I often find myself thinking that no one could ever make up the things that actually happen in my life, so between the real life elements and a great team of writers, I think we’ll have people laughing.”

If crying over this announcement, clearing out my schedule completely for the next few months in anticipation of the airing of the first episode, and preparing to make the perfect buttered Pop-tart in her honor is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

Jessica Simpson Wants You to Know She Looks Like This Now

photo of jessica simpson pictures tweet baby bump pic
The Twitter caption?:

Bumpin’ and proud

So what are we guessing here, four months pregnant? Three? I know that pregnant ladies who were pregnant almost immediately prior to becoming pregnant again sometimes have that extra-big, extra-early belly happening (I mean, even Jess’s boobs might be pregnant this time around), but I don’t really think that Jess could be any further than four months, if even three.

Either way, she does look pretty great. I wonder how things are going to turn out in the end for her, and if Weight Watchers is going to put her back in cuffs and shackles the moment her new baby is born, you know? So many things to consider here, guys.

Jessica Simpson’s Boobs Are Probably Going to Explode

A photo of Jessica Simpson

So Jessica Simpson posted this photo on Twitter yesterday, and she captioned it “fun in the sun.” And I’m sure she was excited about her vacation, and I know she likes to share personal photos on Twitter, but all I can think about are her boobs. Does that make me a bad person?

I sort of have this fear of pregnancy boobs. See, my sister got pregnant with her first kid when I was 10, and I was convinced that it was my duty to read through all of the books that she got to teach her about that special time. So I read What to Expect When You’re Expecting in between The Babysitters Club, and I kept learning that during pregnancy, and then during nursing, your boobs can grow A LOT. I was already an early bloomer (one day in fifth grade I decided I didn’t want to wear a bra for once, and my teacher had to have a little talk with me about appropriateness), and I was already used to being teased for it, so I just got this horrible image of being ALL BOOB, and literally toppling over, and having everyone in the world call me Big Boob Girl, my beloved second grade nickname.

The fear stuck though, and while I don’t worry about toppling over anymore, I worry about having to buy new bras, which are stupid expensive now anyway, and having my clothes not fit right. Oh, and about my boobs strangling me in my sleep. You know, more realistic things.

But anyway, Jessica Simpson just reignites that terrible fear in me, but at the same time, hey, boobs. Everybody loves boobs. Come get you an eye full of boob!

Jessica Simpson is Pregnant on the Beach

photo of jessica simpson on the beach new pregnancy pictures
This is Jessica on her recent holiday trip to Hawaii, and she looks so great and so happy. As you guys probably already know, Jessica is expecting her second child, and if her mini-bump is any indication as to when we can expect the newest little Simpson Johnson (ha), it’s probably going to be right around the time that Jess gave birth to Baby Maxwell last year, which was May-ish, I believe.

I know I might be in the minority (especially since I have no affiliation with Weight Watchers), but I’m pretty stoked for Jessica and Eric. They were positively over the moon about Maxwell, and any further addition to their family, I’m sure, is only going to be welcomed with the same gusto and love that they apparently have for raising that adorable little Maxi.

Congratulations, friends!