So I’m pretty obsessed with these photos of Violet Affleck leaving the Santa Monica library with her famous mom yesterday because this little gremlin reminds me of someone very special: Me.
The glasses, the whole “sticking library books in her mouth” thing, the spastic arm and leg movements mid-walk. Yeah, all of that looks very familiar to this lady over here and honestly, God bless her. She’s probably going to grow up to be a wonderful woman.
But all of that self-centered shit aside, doesn’t she remind you of one of Amy Poehler’s best SNL characters ever? Jennifer Garner is totally the best mom in the world.
“There’s a brand of red-velvet cake; her mouth is made of that. She smashes you in the mouth [in] those kissing scenes. If I was Ben Affleck, man, I’d be pissed off. … I was in bed with her and she was reading me one of those bedtime stories. And she did a dirty version of it. She was like, ‘Toad took Frog and mounted him from behind and amounted him smoothly with a rhythmic pace’.”
Russell Brand, of all people, dishing on what it was like to make out and share a bed with Arthur co-star, Jennifer Garner. Now I don’t know much about kissing ladies, but if someone compared my mouth to red velvet cake, I’d probably consider that a HUGE compliment. Except, you know, if it were Russell Brand. Because reformed sex-addict, Brand, probably compares the hose opening of an industrial-strength vacuum cleaner to red velvet cake – and I heard he and it were intimate friends for a long, long time.
Anyway, moral of the story?
From one asshat to another, Ben Affleck, take some pointers.
And use small words, because after seeing this photo of Ben – acting like this on an ice cream outing with his family – I’m kind of fried out on being all intellectual and analytical this morning. The only things cycling in my brain right now are nappy beards, little penises, and Boston accents.
I know that this guy is a total asshat and makes no bones about being perceived as a complete toolkit in public (though I still totally would have shagged him ten years ago), but adding ‘being an embarrassment
to in front of his family‘ to the growing list of acting a fool?
God, dude. Jen must be so proud.
We’ve all accidentally flashed our butt crack before, and if you’re my friend Chuck, you do it almost daily without a care in the world. But not everyone is famous and therefore, most moonings don’t make the news.
Can you guess which celeb bent down to spend some time with her tiny ones at the park and wound up giving the paparazzi a show?
The answer is after the jump!
OK, in a manner of speaking, anyway. But it wouldn’t surprise me either way. In a recent interview, Affleck states that he doesn’t want to work with his wife in films, but for good reason:
“Jen is a great actress. I would be profoundly lucky to work with her. But something tells me that people don’t want to see real-life couples together at the movies … I think audiences have a hard time suspending disbelief. They already know a whole bunch of things about the relationship you have with the other person and if you try and thrust you and another person into a fictional relationship, I think it is distracting.”
The only thing audiences have a hard time suspending, Ben, is their restraint to choke the living shit out of you anytime you open your mouth. But maybe that’s just me.
Though speculation about Garner’s womb has been frothing and churning lately, Garner’s rep states, “Jennifer is absolutely not pregnant.”
And I really love the vehemence in her statement that there is absolutely no way, no way whatsoever, that Garner is continuing to tie herself to douchebag husband, Ben Affleck, any more than she needs to at this point.
Is he even living in the family home anymore, or has Jen deported his rumored-cheating, definitely-alcohol consuming ass to the streets of NYC’s Bronx in search of his original Bennifer? Is he off tanning? Buying expensive, indulgently-obnoxious diamonds for women who only want him for his
good looks Pearl Harbor performance?
The two have been rumored to split every year since 2008, but nothing has happened — and by “nothing,” I mean that the couple still keeps popping out children despite rumors that all is not well. Until now. Because every time Garner was rumored to be pregnant in the past, she was. If a firm denial of a new pregnancy doesn’t say it all, nothing does. Maybe this is Jen’s uterus saying, “The gravy train’s over, pal.”
I love Jen. And I absolutely love her amazingly gorgeous daughters, Violet and Seraphina. But Ben Affleck? Uh, not so much.
Jennifer Garner picked up her daughter Violet from school in LA yesterday and it was lookin’ like she might be carrying baby number 3. Jennifer Garner is known for her chronically fit figure, so I doubt that she’s been packing on the pounds out of laziness. Her daughters Violet and Seraphina are absolutely adorable, so I’m hoping that that belly’s not a lie.