Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Jennifer Garner

Thank Goodness, Just When I Thought Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner Were Going to be Over For Real, They Went and Got Pregnant Instead

photo of ben affleck and jennifer garner pictures happy smiling photos pics

No, but seriously: good for them, I suppose. I know I hate on Ben Affleck a lot, and that’s because he strikes me as a bargain basement discount power tool with an inflated me-complex, and I think Jennifer Garner‘s way too sweet and patient for him, but hey. It’s not my marriage, and it’s apparent that these two get along in some sort of way, because girlfriend just keeps popping out little girls and they ain’t divorced yet.

Either way, nothing can get me down today – I painted my living room a very zen green yesterday and Lowe’s is on its way today to install my new carpet, so I suppose I’m seeing everything through rose-colored glasses. Even if we did happen to find out that these guys were having a baby now because Jennifer Lopez is ten different kinds of single, I’m sure I’d find a way to put a positive spin on that, too.

Congratulations on the pregnancy, guys, and I hope this little darling is as sweet and adorable as your other two!

Oh Snap! Why Does Ben Affleck Have a Black Eye and What Does It Have To Do With Blake Lively?

Picture of Ben Affleck with a Black Eye

Ben Affleck was photographed out in Los Angeles with his wifey yesterday and yo! People are immediately jumping to the conclusion that the mark is a result of the Blake Lively nudes being released.

People have been saying for awhile that there’s a chance Ben and Blake got their swerve on while filming The Town, and now that those nudes are floating around everywhere and Blake’s totally sporting the same fake tatts in them that she did in the movie, it makes even more sense. Yeah, her rep claims the photos are fake, but a lot of reps are fake, too. If you asked me, I’d say those pictures are the real deal.

Here’s what I wanna know: Did Jennifer Garner lay that thing on him? Because if so, that is tight! I knew she used to do a lot of her own stunts back in her Alias days, but punching her man in the eye for boning the town floozy while he was on location? That’s gangster.

Is Violet Affleck My Spirit Animal?

Photo of Violet Affleck at the Librabry With Her Mom

So I’m pretty obsessed with these photos of Violet Affleck leaving the Santa Monica library with her famous mom yesterday because this little gremlin reminds me of someone very special: Me.

The glasses, the whole “sticking library books in her mouth” thing, the spastic arm and leg movements mid-walk. Yeah, all of that looks very familiar to this lady over here and honestly, God bless her. She’s probably going to grow up to be a wonderful woman.

But all of that self-centered shit aside, doesn’t she remind you of one of Amy Poehler’s best SNL characters ever? Jennifer Garner is totally the best mom in the world.

Quotables: Jennifer Garner Tastes Like Cake

photo of jennifer garner mouth pictures

“There’s a brand of red-velvet cake; her mouth is made of that. She smashes you in the mouth [in] those kissing scenes. If I was Ben Affleck, man, I’d be pissed off. … I was in bed with her and she was reading me one of those bedtime stories. And she did a dirty version of it. She was like, ‘Toad took Frog and mounted him from behind and amounted him smoothly with a rhythmic pace’.”

Russell Brand, of all people, dishing on what it was like to make out and share a bed with Arthur co-star, Jennifer Garner. Now I don’t know much about kissing ladies, but if someone compared my mouth to red velvet cake, I’d probably consider that a HUGE compliment. Except, you know, if it were Russell Brand. Because reformed sex-addict, Brand, probably compares the hose opening of an industrial-strength vacuum cleaner to red velvet cake – and I heard he and it were intimate friends for a long, long time.

Anyway, moral of the story?

From one asshat to another, Ben Affleck, take some pointers.

Caption This: Can Someone Please Explain to Me What Ben Affleck’s Deal Is?

photo of ben affleck with his family pictures

And use small words, because after seeing this photo of Ben – acting like this on an ice cream outing with his family – I’m kind of fried out on being all intellectual and analytical this morning. The only things cycling in my brain right now are nappy beards, little penises, and Boston accents.

I know that this guy is a total asshat and makes no bones about being perceived as a complete toolkit in public (though I still totally would have shagged him ten years ago), but adding ‘being an embarrassment to in front of his family‘ to the growing list of acting a fool?

God, dude. Jen must be so proud.

Which Celebrity Got Things Crackin’ at The Playground Yesterday?

Jennifer Garner Moons the Playground

We’ve all accidentally flashed our butt crack before, and if you’re my friend Chuck, you do it almost daily without a care in the world. But not everyone is famous and therefore, most moonings don’t make the news.

Can you guess which celeb bent down to spend some time with her tiny ones at the park and wound up giving the paparazzi a show?

The answer is after the jump!

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