So, right. Nothing’s been confirmed, but Twitter’s blowing up all over the place, which is, I’m sure, exactly what Beyonce wants, and of course, whatever makes Beyonce happy sets us free, right? Or is that Christina Aguilera? I don’t know. Who cares. All I know is that there’s this alleged newborn floating around New York City right now bearing the name Tiana May Carter, and she’s masquerading as the offspring of Beyonce and Jay-Z.
And remember how Beyonce’s fetus had its own Twitter account? Has that still been a thing up until now? Yeah. I just checked and it is. It was even tweeting yesterday, talking about getting its hair and makeup did, leaking bits and pieces of information like “It’s getting close” and “looking like a slip ‘n slide in here,” which is way, way more information than I really needed to know about the environment of Beyonce’s surrogate’s vaginal canal, you know? Then you have the classy tweets like “I kick so hard mothaf@**$rs wanna fine me.” That’s cute babyspeak right there, guys. Lastly, this Twitter account only reinforces the fact that Beyonce is full of shit, rather than full of a baby. Check out this tweet here:
“Wait a minute. Hold the phone. I might be popping out earlier than February 2012. You’ll know soon. Very soon.”
Know when it was issued? December 5th. So, what then, does Beyonce have a way premature baby on her hands, or were the best OB’s in the country OFF by eight or more weeks when estimating the kid’s due date? I mean, does that even happen?
Finally. If you believe that Beyonce actually carried this child and birthed this child and (gasp!) breastfed this child, then I have a really great bridge to sell you and, conveniently enough, it’s located not all that far from B and her baby in Brooklyn.
December 30, 2011 at 10:30 am by Sarah
Well, if that fetus is a boy, I’d say there’s a pretty good shot that he’s going to look a little something like that picture above.
A forensic artist named Dr. D’Lynn Waldron made up this little image to show the world what she thinks the male spawn of Beyonce and Jay-Z will look like. Handsome little fella, right? Dr. Waldron imagines that the kid will have “father’s feature’s, mother’s eyes.”
Let’s take this a few steps further, shall we? I think this child will have the artistry and grace of Beyonce with the business sense and … um … another positive quality of Jay-Z. What do you wish for this child?
Image courtesy of TMZ
August 30, 2011 at 5:30 pm by Emily
At last night’s VMAs, Beyonce showed up in a red muu muu, where her bump was undeniable. Even though everyone already knew she was pregnant the second she walked in the door, she took the announcement even further – she performed her single ‘Love on Top,’ and afterward, opened her sequined jacket and rubbed her baby bump while the crowd cheered and Jay-Z smiled hugely from the audience and I CRIED. Seriously, real tears. I know it’s an extreme thing, that a Beyonce-Jay-Z baby could move me to tears, but hey. Everybody’s got a chink in their armor and this one’s mine, I suppose. One way or the other, I dare you to watch the last thirty seconds of this video and *not* crack a smile.
Sources close to the couple say:
“They told friends in the last month. She’s never been happier. Seriously it’s all she’s been waiting for. And Jay is like an excited kid. They’re adorable.”
Yes, yes they are adorable. Congratulations, guys!
August 29, 2011 at 6:30 am by Sarah
I don’t know about you guys, but these lists always intrigue the crap out of me. These celebrity “power couples,” as they’re often referred to, bring in, like, unbelievable wads of cash annually. Jaw-dropping amounts.
I mean, this kind of money is money that I can’t even fathom having, and the craziest part is that there are people out there – both single and partnered up – who earn, like, quadruple this.
Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady topped the list this year, bringing in just around $76 million bucks. And that’s just the reported income. You can’t tell me that there isn’t some under-the-table stuff going on somewhere there.
The rest of the list is as follows:
Jump in for the rest of the list –
August 22, 2011 at 10:30 am by Sarah
This girl here? Is a big Beyonce fan. Not so much of her music – I never got into the whole hip-hop/club thing (or, you know, hip hop of any kind) – but Bey strikes me as a can-do type of girl, and she’s totally sweet and gorgeous and talented, too. In spite of her choice of musical genre, I can fully appreciate Beyonce Knowles, and EVEN look past that whole Destiny’s Child thing. Nuts, right?
However, I’m not really digging the blonde. It’s too … I don’t know. It looks like something Nicki Minaj would try to pull off, poorly, and doesn’t really enhance the natural beauty that Beyonce’s clearly got.
Incidentally, I heard that B and Jay-Z are looking into a trial separation. Say it’s not fucking so, I know … MediaTakeout confirms that there’s a rift beginning between the two – over children and the lack thereof – and Jay-Z is moving to LA to lease a mansion, which he wants to fill up with kids. The sources say that Beyonce is nixing the idea, and still wants to focus on her career. She’ll be staying in New York.
I don’t know what to make of all this, guys. Beyonce hasn’t had an unflattering hair color since the late nineties, so this could actually be a sign of big things happening.
February 15, 2011 at 6:30 am by Sarah
You know, “Monster,” the one with Rick Ross, Nicki Minaj, Jay-Z, and Bon Iver? I wouldn’t want you to be the clueless one when all your co-workers are talking about the thematic elements of the video, the effects of Kanye’s hubris, and his sweet diamond teeth tomorrow morning.
The only artist in this big musical orgy I listen to regularly is Bon Iver, and even then it’s just one song, but I can’t stop listening to this damn song. I caught this video right before I went out on Friday afternoon, and you best believe I was telling all the cheap champagne bottles at the Kroger that “everybody knows I’m a motherfuckin’ monster” under my breath while browsing.
You can go ahead and start the scholarly analysis of the themes in the video in the comments (I’m going to get started on my essay on Kanye’s role as the tragic hero with strong references to both Aristotle and Joseph Campbell), but first I just wanted to point out that Kanye solidly rhymes the word “esophagus.” If anyone was doubting his skills, I’d go ahead and stop that talk right now.