There once was a bachelor named Hugh Hefner,
Loved Holly Madison; then he left her.
Instead, got engaged to one Crystal Harris
And attended the premiere of An American in Paris. (Pictured.)

Their 60-year age gap caused titters, and jeers,
But did it cause, too, wedding jitters and fears?
Though Hef could see her affection had faltered,
He was nonetheless blindsided when dumped at the altar.

What follows is from Hef’s interview with Piers Morgan;
Makes Hef seem real sad—Harris, more like a gorgon.
I’d like to keep rhyming and steal all the glory,
But as the journalists say, “Let the quotes write the story”:

Hugh Hefner:

…As we got very close to the marriage, you know, something was not right. But I didn’t see it coming, I truly didn’t see it coming.

At last Crys admitted her feet had gone cold,
Hef recommended just putting the wedding on hold.
He thought he’d reassured her; he’d obviously failed,
Because, by next morning, their relation-Ship had sailed:

That was only half the story obviously, because the next morning [after our conversation], without my knowledge, she was packing the bags.

Though it’s crystal-clear Crystal just used him, then shoved him,
Hef maintains that she really, really, really did love him:

I think an argument could be made that she took me for a ride, but I must say, quite frankly, it was a pretty nice ride. If she was faking it, she did it very well.

In conclusion—because I can’t keep this up—poor Hef! I really believe both of them. I have faith that Hef was genuinely marrying for something that maybe felt a little like love, and I believe Harris was totally sincere when she said, “Are you kidding? It was all for publicity.” Man, did Hugh Hefner ever dodge a bullet.

CNN has the whole video clip here. In other news, Hugh Hefner is not dead.

Life & Style is reporting the Hugh Hefner’s fiancée Crystal Harris was seen cozying up to Dr. Phil’s son last night at Bar Marmont in Hollywood. The two sat closely and while Crystal wasn’t too inappropriate, Phil’s son, Jordan McGraw, was all over her, kissing her shoulders and holding her hand out in the open where anyone could see. Disrespectful, dude.

Crystal and Hef were engaged back in December, and while Hef has let his other girlfriends date in the past (so long as they weren’t disrespectful about it,) I have a feeling that he did not sign off on his fiancée talking to other men. In fact, a source close to Crystal told the magazine, “They’ve been sneaking around because Crystal is supposed to be happily engaged to Hef, and going out in public with Jordan would tarnish Hef and Crystal’s relationship image.”

I wonder what the broken-hearted Holly would have to say about this news…

When talking about Hef’s exes, it’s virtually impossible to resist the temptation of posting pics of them deep throating a wiener.  Speaking of oral skills, Holly Madison is getting her own show.

I find it difficult to believe that society has been craving a show like this — though I guess we always crave T & A — but prepare because Holly is set to star in Planet Holly.  It will be filmed in Vegas and will center around her life as a burlesque dancer.

“I fell in love with Vegas since moving here. So I want to show a lot of the Vegas few people know about, it’s hidden treasures away from the Strip. Yes, you’ll see my quirky day-to-day life of living in a casino with a dog, but it will show the side of the valley many people never know existed.

“It will have some docu-drama, but it’s the perfect excuse for me to be normal in a lighthearted comedy romp. Think Mary Tyler Moore. In fact, I just hooked up my DVD player so I can look at all the episodes of her old TV show. But Planet Holly also will have an empowering message for women showing that however crazy the ideas you might have, they can be achieved.

“Growing up in Oregon, I had crazy dreams. I’d see Pamela Anderson or Jenny McCarthy on TV and say I’d like to do that, too. I wanted to go off on the adventure. I dreamed of being a sex symbol as a showgirl in Las Vegas — and it all came true! We’ll show that journey on Planet Holly, and I think it will inspire other girls to always follow their dreams — whatever they might be.

“And then dream some more! Just because I‘ve wound up in Peepshow on the Strip, I’m not stopping, and I’ve set myself five more things to achieve in life. I will never stop setting new goals because I’m having fun living life.”

So, hold onto your thongs!  Filming starts October 12th.

What do you think of this glittery, shredded trash bag — how’s that for an objective opinion? — that Holly Madison wore to a Vegas premiere Wednesday night?  I think she was aiming for some sexy, buxom woodland sprite vibe and fell far short.  I wonder if she’s hiding that Travelocity gnome under her dress.  Hmm …

Anyway, what do you think?  Is this spectacular high fashion or Charo in a blender?

I didn’t even know Holly Madison was dating an aged-looking Verne Troyer back with Hef but it looks like they made it official this weekend.  Man, that osteoporosis has hit Hef hard, huh?  He’s shrinking by the minute.  

(Incidentally, this is the type of crap people do when they are sick and tired of all the media attention going to Michael Jackson.

More pictures of the happy couple in the gallery.

Holly Madison came on to the scene as one-third of the Hugh Hefner trifecta.  Sadly, that relationship soured like yesterday’s Milk of Magnesia and she moved on.

She hooked up with magician Criss Angel and I expected a lot more over-exposure from those two than I ended up getting.  Other than their joint birthday party, they weren’t half as obnoxious as I’d been hoping, prior to their love vanishing.  Disappointing, really.

Now, America’s favorite girl next door is hooking up with comedian and admitted sex-addict Russell Brand.  Now, I’m not sure where she fits into the stats.  He claims to penetrate ninety different vaginae a month, yet the Sun reports that he’s been visiting Madison three times a week.  That is just a ton of cardio.

I’m hoping this works out for a couple reasons.  Mostly, because I want to call them RH Factor.  Also, because Holly Madison is descending into scary territory.  If this new relationship flops, I fear her next conquest is going to be, like, Marilyn Manson.  Or Carrot Top.

Thanks, Eve!