6This Is Miley’s Idea of Sexy, and Donald Trump Loves It

This little Miley Cyrus story is a double shot of ridiculousness (just so save us from writing two separate stories). First, we have Miley’s photoshoot for her upcoming album, Bangerz, which is sure to be full of trashy, pseudo-”urban” tryhard bullshit. Then, we have the fact that Donald Trump – yes, Donald Trump – has come out and posted a message on Vine, of all fucking places, telling her to “ignore the haters” and claiming that anyone who criticises her is just “jealous”. Yeah, nope. Also, ew.

Let’s start with these photos first. What kind of ’80s nightmare is this shit? I don’t understand what she thinks she’s going for here (besides ’80s nightmare, that is) – it’s just awful. The plaid pleather pants? The slicked back hairdo? The trench coat with nothing else on? Girl, no. Sit the hell down.

As for Donald, I can’t even give any commentary there because I’m that confused/disgusted that this is even a thing that happened. I’ll just embed his Vine here and you can take it as you will (an old man, who probably jerks off to Miley’s VMA performance every night, trying to stay relevant?):

And here are the other Bangerz photos, just for you:

August 30, 2013 at 7:30 am by Jennifer

35Newsflash: Donald Trump’s a Racist!

I guess we’re all acting surprised that Donald Trump has said something (else) unabashedly racist by claiming that most of the crime in America is committed by “blacks and hispanics” and encouraging his followers to stop being so politically correct… and instead to start targeting minorities for being oppressed by assholes like himself, I guess???

Oh, lord. Donald Trump is a racist, a homophobe, a misogynist… need I go on? Not to mention both times I’ve interviewed him, he’s been the most self-absorbed prick EVER, so what’s his point, even? And by “his point”, I mean his point in existing.

June 5, 2013 at 11:30 am by Jennifer

0Donald Trump Thinks Martha Stewart Is a Total Catch

I’m not really sure that an endorsement from Donald Trump on your date-ability is really the best thing you could have if you’re trying to find a nice guy to shack up with on Match.com, but that’s exactly what Martha Stewart got this week. You see, Donald and Martha are old friends and he thinks any guy would be lucky to have her. I’d say! Have you tried her basic pancake recipe? Her buttermilk chocolate cupcakes? Have you felt the softness of her towels? I rest my case.

In any case, instead of sending her a text or an email, Donald decided to take to Access Hollywood Live to wish Martha good luck in her search, which is… sweet or something?

“I know Martha very well… I like Martha a lot,” Trump commented. “She looks fantastic and whoever gets Martha will be very lucky… She’s a very good woman.”

Trump also offered his thoughts on the kind of man who would be a good match for the wealthy and well-to-do Stewart.

“She’s going to need a really confident guy or a man with absolutely no confidence whatsoever,” he joked.

“There’s no in-between, [I] think probably the no confidence would be better.”

Yep, nothing makes a man or woman more attractive that absolutely zero belief in themselves and lots of self-doubt. I can see the cartoon hearts flying out of her ears right now!

In all seriousness, Martha is amazing – it can’t be long now before someone tries to put a ring on it, right? (Good luck on that – Martha ain’t that easy!)

May 11, 2013 at 12:30 pm by Jennifer

13Donald Trump Thinks Beyoncé Shouldn’t Dance So Sexy

It’s no secret that Donald Trump is a Grade A asshole for a variety of reasons – he’s homophobic, racist, pro-guns… blah blah blah. But the entrepreneur took it to a whole new level of nasty when he criticised the queen this week. That’s right: Donald Trump thinks Beyoncé was way too sexy at the Super Bowl.

From The Howard Stern Show (via BET.com):

Calling into the Howard Stern Show to discuss a variety of topics, Trump got into dialogue about lip-syncing and was led into the issue of Beyoncé. The real estate mogul was more disturbed by the pop icon’s suggestive dancing.

“When Beyoncé was thrusting her hips forward in a very suggestive manner,” Trump commented, “if someone else would have done that it would have been a national scandal. I thought it was ridiculous… I thought it was not appropriate.…”

But Trump also noticed that what he perceived as scandalous wasn’t by most viewers and the rest of country. “There’s been no mention of it,” he concluded. “So, obviously, it must not have been so bad. She gets a pass.”

Listen, Donald – don’t hate just because you’re past prime thrusting age and would break a hip if you so much as attempted it. Also, who in the hell do you think you are to give anyone “a pass” – like, I’m sure Beyoncé is losing sleep over whether or not she has your approval and all, but just shut up. The reason there was no mention of it is because your old ass is the only one who cares.

February 13, 2013 at 12:47 pm by Jennifer

4Donald Trump’s Got Some Things to Say About Kristen Stewart

And because I’m sure Donald Trump is the most monogamous man alive, and probably the most ethical and moral, to boot, we should totally, totally be taking him very seriously, guys.

This is what the Don had to say on Twitter earlier today:

“Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog & will do it again — just watch. He can do much better!”

So now? Officially? I’m really, really glad that Robert Pattinson decided to go ahead and forgive Kristen Stewart for indulging the carnal pleasures of cunnilingus with a buck-toothed director, because really, anything to be contrary to Donald Trump, OK? I mean, seriously. How is this guy even allowed to have a Twitter anyhow?

October 18, 2012 at 4:30 pm by Sarah

2Donald Trump Announces his Candidacy for President, but We’re Still Talking About Bin Laden?

OK, I get that the death of Osama Bin Laden is a really big, big deal to a lot of people and nations and everything else, and I’m TOTALLY not discounting that. But guys? Osama Bin Laden is NOW DEAD, and he, himself – personally – can’t do any more damage to anyone forever and ever, amen. Donald Trump, however, is alive. And he just informally announced that he’s definitely going to run for President in 2012. Trump says:

“In my mind, I have already decided. I am going to announce. But I can’t do anything until the show ends. [And if I'm elected] the OPEC nations will be acting much differently, and fuel prices will go down and the economy will become strong again. They may like me or not like me, but nobody will be ripping us off.”

Yes, exactly. What we need is an ORANGE BULLY with a BAD TOUPEE in office. That’ll definitely show ‘em.

I know a lot of you guys know about the end of days and Nostradamus and the Mayan calendar and the book of Revelation, so this, precisely, is why you should be afraid. Very afraid. Kind of like how all of the other possible Presidential candidates are afraid:

“I knew I was going into the lion’s den. I’m the last person they want to run against.”

We suffer no chance of being harmed by a dead dude, but can you imagine the damage that an asshat like Donald Trump could do in a public office – namely, the biggest public office in the nation: President of the United States?

I’m fucking running for cover. Get the cyanide capsules, because this shit’s going down.

May 2, 2011 at 9:30 am by Sarah