Ok, let me give dear Diane Kruger the benefit of the doubt for a bit first. See, I don’t think she’s ACTUALLY covered in urine, I think it’s just the colors of the dress.  Diane is notoriously well-dressed, so I highly doubt that she would attend an event after spilling urine all over herself.  Plus, she’s there with her one true love, Pacey, and I don’t think she would want to embarrass him like that.  Also, I’m still not wearing my glasses, but my eyesight’s not incredibly bad, and I’m nearsighted anyway, so I guess we’re getting into the real point of this, which is “Diane, why the fuck are you in public in your pee dress?”

You guys can see it too, right?  It’s not just me having golden showers on the brain, is it (no, it is not)?  Other people can see that this dress makes Diane Kruger look like she got doused in a couple of bladders and then tried to make the best of it?  I could really use your support on this one.

Diane Kruger, if you don’t know who she is, is the less-famous dude from Dawson’s Creek‘s girlfriend. Or, if you’re a fan of really cheesy movies like I am, Abigail Chase in National Treasure. But who knows – maybe you know her from something entirely different, and maybe you don’t know her at all. Bottom line at the end of the day? Girlfriend’s got an amazing body, and it seems unfair that a body this amazing be pressed up against something as lame as a fictional character who most famously goes by the name of ‘Pacey’ in the wee hours of the morning.

So People magazine, a normally unbiased and objective magazine, recently put out their “Best and Worst Dressed Edition,” an edition that I completely agree with normally. However, this year, their Top Ten “Best Dressed” is hardly that. In fact, some of the women that placed were so far from even being on a semi-properly-dressed list. But hey. This is why I don’t work for People. Without further ado, the list, in no particular order other than the one I want to use in an effort to mock these fashionistas:

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Betty White gets top billing, both because she is awesome and because I know she’d appreciate me putting her picture immediately under the heading “The SAG Awards.”

Betty received the lifetime achievement award at the  such-n-such annual Screen Actor’s Guild Awards (do you really care what number it is?) which are being held as we speak. Well, as I type.

And Betty was also the most badass bitch on the red carpet.

Diane Kruger and Helen Mirren both looked lovely and classy as well, while Jeff Bridges cleaned up nice in a sharp tuxedo.  Everyone really classed it up tonight. The worst dressed person was probably Drew Barrymore, and she didn’t really look bad, just disheveled, as she is wont to do.

And now comes the point in the evening where I take a break from playing Punch Out to look at pictures of celebrities in expensive, but not always beautiful clothing.

Several celebs turned out for the amfAR Cinema Against AIDS Dinner held as part of the Cannes Film Festival. I wish I were the kind of person who opts not to say snarky things about celebrities when they’re actually doing something good and magnanimous, if not exactly altruistic. But let’s be realistic here– if I were that kind of person, I wouldn’t be writing for this blog.

While there were some attractive, well-appointed attendees– Claudia Schiffer looked adorable and Robert Pattinson actually managed to look alluring, not creepy– there were just as many couture trainwrecks.

Diane Kruger fell into one of those giant layer cakes that strippers pop out of and liked the feeling of buttercream between her tits so much that she decided to cover it in fabric and wear it to dinner. Zoe Saldana, who plays Uhura in the new Star Trek movie, couldn’t find a suitable dress, so she cut the tops off of several pairs of extra extra large nude pantyhose, draped them around her shoulders, tied them in a knot, and hoped no one would notice.

Meanwhile, Paris Hilton showed up wearing something that looked like a tinfoil cupcake wrapper mated with the seashell themed accessories decorating your Aunt Dee-Dee’s bathroom. She then proceeded to spread her legs and lean at awkward, 70 degree angles– either because she was posing for photos or because someone was holding a limbo contest just off camera.

In all seriousness, amfAR is a worthy cause, and I’m glad that these celebs took time out of their busy schedules of partying and wearing fancy dresses to party and wear fancy dresses for a cause. I just question the choice of fancy dresses.

At the Cesar Awards in Paris on Saturday.