I just about fell off my chair when I looked at these photos. Could it possibly be that Christina Aguilera is in an outfit that actually flatters her lovely, softly-rounded, and very feminine figure? She is! And her makeup isn’t packed on like she’s trying to avoid the extra-bag fee! She’s not wearing garish red lipstick! The self-tanner is at a minimum! She doesn’t look wasted! Best of all, she looks nothing like this:

And if there was anything amazing that could come out of this dreary, rainy Saturday afternoon, it’d be these photos. I’m *pleased as pie, guys. Pleased. as. pie.

*For once, I’m going to leave any pie innuendos at the door. Because it’s probably a Boston cream pie. And we all know how much … pie is good, OK? It’s good. And I’m not going to expound on that point any further. Christina Aguilera looks amazing in these photos, so praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!

Not that Howard Stern remotely believes in what he’s saying, because I don’t think he does. He’s just doing what they pay him to do, which is be contrarian and kind of funny and misogynist or whatever. But he’s also transparently trying to get Adam Levine in trouble.

I think I mentioned that I’ve been watching Levine on The Voice, and I’ve decided he’s a great judge even though he’s kind of a turd. Like, I totally root for him, but I also watch the show trying to assess exactly what kind of turd he is.

Still. When Stern tries to get Levine to say one mean thing about Christina Aguilera, Levine won’t budge:

“This is a sensitive subject with women,” he says to Adam. “Why do you think she got so heavy? Is she upset? She used to be so f—kin’ hot. What is that? And her clothes are too tight, right?”

Let me step in here right quick and answer Howard Stern: yeah, she used to be so f—kin’ hot. She was also, like, 17 back then. No wonder women are so terrified of turning 30, dudebros.

Visibly thrown by the line of questioning, Adam says, “She likes to wear tight clothes. She clearly likes to talk about being comfortable with being a woman, snapping her fingers and doing the whole thing.”

But, Howard didn’t stop there. He then replies, “When you’re a plus-sized woman, you can’t wear tight clothes anymore.”

While Adam nervously giggles, co-host Robin Quivers jumps in and says that Christina isn’t plus size. And then Adam finally says, “I wouldn’t go that far actually.” Um, nice save?

Like, when Stern starts in with the bullying—and he’s bullying Levine, not Aguilera, in a weird sense—Levine looks a little like he just wants to be shot and killed on the spot.

Honestly, I thought Levine’s performance here was fine. He doesn’t 100% have his collaborator’s back, no, but he also doesn’t play ball. I also think Levine’s throwing Howard a bone when he concludes by saying “I’m keeping my f—king mouth shut.”

Levine’s stick-thin supermodel girlfriend Anne Vyalitsyna joins him in the second half. Stern tries to get her to cop to some fear of getting old and, eventually, dumped—see a trend here?—but Vyalitsyna smiles it off.

“No, I’m really excited to see how much you can push us,” she tells Stern, not entirely ironically. “That’s really cool.”

“Tell me something I didn’t already know,” right? Of course Christina Aguilera is out of control. People who are in control don’t pull the kind of stunts Christina pulls at work, they don’t do everything in their beds, and they don’t have urine or menstrual blood or whatever it was running down their legs at funerals. I’m sorry, they just don’t.

But this week, Star magazine is going a little further than simply stating that Christina is “out of control.” Let’s check it out together, then we’ll discuss, ok?

From Star via Jezebel:

Most of what she is doing sounds like me, on vacation, but sources claim Christina Aguilera is “out of control.” She is “getting wasted a lot and just embarrassing herself.” Among her offenses: She “goes days without ever getting out of bed. She’ll have food brought to her, and she even drinks in bed too!” God I want to do this so badly. Room service! Another source says: ”Her dressing room is always littered with wine bottles.”

And yeah, some stuff is not so nice, like how she left her son, Max, on his fourth birthday, to go get drunk. She and boyfriend Matt (who is “just in it for the ride”) went to dinner, where they had a few rounds of sake, and then to a club, where they ordered bathtub loads of vodka and cranberry and partied until last call.

But even more important than drowning her sorrows in booze is Christina’s weight, amirite? That’s why the mag offers a sidebar called “packing on the pounds.” Contrasting photos from Xtina’s “Genie In A Bottle” and “Dirrty” days — 1999 and 2002 — with current photos, as though any of us weighed the same at 18 years old as we do (or did) at 31.

The whole issue of Christina gaining weight is getting on my nerves from all sides now. As I’ve said before, if Christina thinks she needs to lose weight, then she should work on it, but the problem is really her clothing choices. Most people wouldn’t comment at all if she ever bothered to wear pants.

The part about her son though? That’s really sad, and I wouldn’t be completely shocked if it were true. I know you guys have made comments about how she hasn’t been photographed with her soon in a while and “hey, didn’t she have a little boy?” and I agree. She was photographed with Max right around New Year’s, and then towards the beginning of October, but there are many, many more pictures of Christina looking sloppy with her boyfriend than of Christina with her son. I’m not saying that that is proof that she’s been an absent mother or anything, but yeah, it does seem a little sad.

Basically what I’m saying here is “pull it together, Christina!” Oh, and “please reconsider your makeup!”

I really love reading interviews with Christina Aguilera. I think I like them so much because the subtlety. See, with some interviews, the celebrity will come right out in the open with rudeness and a bad attitude, or some craziness or what have you, but Christina’s not like that usually. With her, it’s mostly like “oh wow, this is kind of boring, ugh, why am I still reading … what did she just say?” And I can definitely respect that.

There are a few of those moments in this interview she did with Latina magazine:

On getting married and divorced at a young age: “Was I too young? Not at all. I did the exact right thing at the time….I definitely wasn’t too young. I have always been older than my age.”

On growing older: “I was on the set of a film and the choreographer was 19 and I looked around at all the dancers and I was like, ‘Whoa! I’m the oldest person in this room. When did that happen?’”

On reconnecting with her father: “I’ve talked about how rough things were for me and I’m sure he’s heard it. He can’t be thrilled about it. So maybe one day we can do lunch…I’m 31 years old now. Maybe it’s time.”

On resting up from the intensity of shooting The Voice: “When I’m shooting The Voice, it’s intense. On a day like today, my ex has my son and we are not shooting, so I slept and I just slept. I love doing everything in my bed.  Eating, sleeping…It’s my domain and my throne…I do it all in my bed.”

On how she handles gossip and brutal reviews: “I don’t read them. Ever…Why read what people are saying—good or bad?”

On criticisms of not being Latina enough: “I’ve dealt with that my whole life. I don’t speak the language fluently. And I’m split right down the middle, half Irish and half Ecuadorean. I should not have to prove my ethnicity to anyone. I know who I am.”

On planning another Spanish-language album: “All I know is no one can tell me I’m not a proud Latina woman…I dove headfirst into a Spanish-language album for that reason and I’m planning another one even though I don’t speak the language. I’m sure that doesn’t sit well with some people.”

You see what I mean?  Most of that was sort of boring, right?  I mean, I liked the “all I know is no one can tell me I’m not a proud Latina woman” part, because she sounds sassy as hell and I like that, but the rest of it was kind of a yawn, to be honest. But that part about the bed, or excuse me, her “domain” and her “throne,” that is wonderful. That is just delightful. All I can think about now is Christina Aguilera rolling around in her bed, getting hot sauce and ranch dressing all over the clean sheets while trying to pull on a pair of leggings.

I’m really glad I could share this moment with you.

There seems to be a cycle that’s been going on with Christina Aguilera for a while now, ever since she started to put on some weight. She gets criticized for it, she makes a statement saying that she loves her body, and then she gets photographed without pants in public. It’s pretty predictable.

But here’s something interesting but not necessarily unexpected: Christina actually isn’t all that comfortable with her new body:

“Christina has turned into a bullying diva,” an in­sider told The ENQUIRER. “In interviews, she likes to say that she’s at peace with her new curves, but that’s not how she really feels.”

A petite 5-foot-2,the 31-year-old Grammy winner once weighed a super-slim 100 pounds. But the “Dirrty” singer re­cently ballooned to around 140 pounds, and she’s desperate to hide the extra weight for the new season of the NBC talent show that was launching Feb. 5, said the source.

“Christina holds up pro­duction with her constant demands, saying, ‘Don’t make me look fat’ or ‘Don’t show my butt,’ ” the insider revealed.

“She’s insisted the cam­eramen only shoot her at flattering angles, forcing a few segments to be reshot. She also demands that the stylists bring her the latest slimming fashions, and she’s always ordering the makeup artists to make her face look thin­ner.”

While Christina’s be­havior has ticked off her fellow coaches, country star Blake Shelton and “Crazy” singer Cee Lo Green, Maroon 5 front­man Adam Levine is the most vocal about her antics, confided the source.

“Blake and Cee Lo get annoyed at Christina’s silly requests, but Adam really can’t stand it,” ex­plained the insider.

“He’s the first one to say that she’s unpro­fessional and producers shouldn’t reshoot takes just because she doesn’t like how she looks. But Christina doesn’t care what anyone, es­pecially skinny little Adam, thinks.

“She just rolls her eyes at him and tries to make sure she looks good for the cam­eras.”

Obviously I’m not going to hate on Christina for gaining weight, but all this nonsense is really frustrating. If she wants to make everyone’s job harder so that she can look as thin as possible, then why doesn’t she just try to lose weight? I’ve never understood people who complain and complain, people who are always “ugh, I’m so fat,” and who never do a single thing about it. If you’re fat and happy and healthy, then good for you, soul sister. Do your thing. If you’re not comfortable with those extra pounds, or if it makes you unhealthy, then do something about it. All the time that Christina wasted trying to look thinner could have been spent, you know, actually getting thinner.

But whatever, I guess. Christina, you keep doing your thing, girlfriend, and don’t you listen to anybody else, especially that skinny little Adam. Hope them Spanx treat you right, honey.

You know shit is bad when Neil Patrick Harris is snarking out on you. Because that’s exactly what happened: Neil Patrick Harris appeared on The Talk to discuss Christina‘s performance at Etta James’ funeral, and though the vocals themselves weren’t mulled over (thank God, because I was one of those who thought her rendition of ‘At Last’ was horrible and over the top and way inappropriate for a funeral), the “dark fluid” trickling down one leg was. I mean, even if Christina had knocked the performance out of the park, it’d still be all about whatever was dripping from somewhere above.

“I was watching backstage. I was hoping it was runs in her stockings,” Neil said, but I laughed because Christina Aguilera doesn’t wear bras to funerals, let along stockings, jeez. He continued by laughing, “And I was dry-heaving as I was watching it backstage.” Neil, dude, we all were. “It’s awful,” he said. “Could it not have been clear? It would have been so much easier to explain!” Oh, God, ew. Clear what, friend? First of all, menstruation is never clear, if it was self-tanner and sweat, it would also not be clear, and the only other fluids that are clear are just as disgusting to consider.

The rest of the clip depicts Neil and the ladies dry-heaving into their coffee cups.

So, of course. Being the crass bitch that I am, what was it making a slimy, viscous trail down Christina’s leg?