Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Christina Aguilera

Christina Aguilera Reminds Me of Jessica Simpson

A photo of Christina Aguilera

Well, in some ways. They’re both immensely talented when they have their shit together, they’ve both been in the spotlight for a long time, they both get ridiculed for their fluctuating weight, and they’ve both been photographed wasted out of their minds entirely too many times. That’s why these photos of Christina reminded me of Jessica Simpson: the sad drunk face that breaks your heart right before it vomits.

The most important difference between these two ladies though? Jessica has always had some sort of charm about her, I feel. Like I’ve always felt sorry for her and hoped that she’d find her way, but Christina … I’m not wishing anything bad on her, but ugh, what an insufferable bitch.

Do you guys see the similarities here?

Images courtesy of Yeeeah

Blind Item: Christina Aguilera Is A “Hot Disheveled Mess”

A photo of Christina Aguilera

Am I jumping the gun with this one? Maybe. But you let me know one other woman who fits this description, just one other woman, and I’ll take it back*.

Check out this blind item describing the recent behavior of Christina Aguilera (or whoever):

This former A list female singer and now still a great singer, but more of a hot disheveled mess with lots of money to burn would be a more accurate description. Our singer has been partying a lot. She knows she parties and she knows she has way too much drink many nights of the week. Since her significant other is not any better about partying and can’t trust him to save her if she starts to die during the night, she has a baby monitor that she takes with her wherever she goes. One goes in her room and one goes in the room of her bodyguard. Always. She leaves them on 24 hours a day just in case she forgets to turn it on before she goes to sleep. So, the various bodyguards that have come into her life the past six months or so have heard everything from the craziest loudest fights to the craziest loudest sex, to the craziest loudest snoring from a woman that has ever been heard.

Yeah. Doesn’t that just ooze Christina? Couldn’t you just see her carrying around a little baby monitor, being all “no, you don’t understand, bodyguard, I could die. I could die. You don’t understand. Where’s my boyfriend? Where’s my drink? Waaaaaah!” Because I could. I could so hard.

Any other guesses, or do you think Christina is the obvious answer?

*I’ll never take it back.

Christina Aguilera Still Has That Boyfriend, Doesn’t Look So Bad

photo of christina aguilera 2011 weight loss pics

I know I don’t have a lot of good to say about Christina Aguilera, but that’s sort of because there really isn’t a lot of good to say about her (she’s got a great voice, that’s a start), but in this photo, guys, she’s looking pretty good. Not, you know, Emma Watson-good or even Eva Mendes-good, but good as in she isn’t wearing too much of a Lindsay Lohan drunkface these days, and her totally obvious laying-off-the-alcohol is working. She looks far less swollen and her eyes are starting to return to their normal color. The jaundice is almost gone!

Good for you girl, and keep up the great work.

Kelly Osbourne Calls Christina Aguilera a Fat …

photo of fat christina aguilera before and after photos pics

BITCH. Yup. A FAT BITCH. I couldn’t put that in the headline, because I’m pretty sure our advertisers would have our collective heads on a stake, and I just can’t be responsible for the skewering of Jenn and Emily’s pretty little heads, especially when they’re such nice, wonderful girls.

But truly, Kelly Osbourne called Christina Aguilera a fat bitch, and I love her for it. Not because, you know, I have anything against people of a certain body fat percentage, but because Christina Aguilera railed and railed on Kelly Osbourne for so long about being both fat and disgusting. Sometimes it’s interesting to see people take the opportunity of pointing karma out to their fellow man. It’s not exactly right, but it’s semi-entertaining nonetheless, you know?

On E!’s ‘Fashion Police,’ a conversation between Joan Rivers and Kelly Osbourne transpired, and it kind of went like this:

…  After Joan Rivers, 78, said Aguilera looked “stuffed into” a Givenchy LBD at an event in Munich, Germany last month (and likened her to “Snooki’s Scandinavian cousin”), Osbourne chimed in: “Maybe she is just becoming the fat bitch she was born to be. I don’t know. She was a c**t to me. And she bought my house!”

Osbourne’s digs at 30-year-old Aguilera’s fluctuating weight didn’t end there. “She called me fat for so many f***ing years,” Osbourne continued, “so you know what? F**k you! You’re fat too.

There you have it – irony at its best, I suppose, though neither of the girls are particularly gross or fat.

But here’s the bottom line: who’d you rather – Christina or Kelly?

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Christina Aguilera Apparently Took a Bit of Our Advice

photo of christina aguilera pictures photos fat thin before after photos

These are recent photos of Christina Aguilera, leaving a recording studio in LA earlier in the week.

I give Christina props – she dropped the horrible red lipstick, pancake foundation, and fugly baloney curls and went with the more natural look that we all pretty much agreed flatters her probably more than anything else at this point possibly could.

Her hair still looks fried out and frizzy, but the crimps are way more stylish than the 40′s flapper type, and her face is still as round and puffy as the moon, but dude. The only thing that’s going to rectify that is PUTTING THE BOTTLE DOWN and BACKING AWAY FROM IT SLOWLY.

On the whole, looking good, girl – I’m feeling this whole sanitary look! Someone went Misikko!

Maroon 5′s Adam Levine and Christina Aguilera Teamed Up to Record a Song

And in a completely unsurprising move, they performed it on the latest Voice episode. Which is kind of what I want to talk about. Is anyone actually watching this show? Seriously, I think I know one person who’s addicted to it. And I don’t even really “know” them, I just happened to hear them talking about how much they loooove it one day in passing. I mean, I don’t even see Facebook discussions about this show. I think that’s the true telling of something’s popularity these days, doesn’t it?

I know that the concept of Adam Levine and Christina Aguilera teaming up would have been super hot in 2002 or so, but time goes by and things change and apparently, so do careers.

Do you guys (if any of you are, you know, watching it) think it’s going to be a one-and-done type thing, maybe kind of like the song that Adam and Christina performed, or do you think it’s here to stay?

Quotables: Christina Aguilera Is Not An Alcoholic, How Dare You

A photo of Christina Aguilera

“I know what everyone was saying. And during that Grammy moment, when I nearly collapsed, I was thinking, Are you kidding me? I’ve always been really good with my heels. Even pregnant, I could perform in heels. Note to self: Never wear a train onstage. My heel got caught in my train, and if it wasn’t for Jennifer Hudson, who picked me up as I went down, I would have fallen to the floor. When it happened, it was just like, What else, God?! What else?! I threw my hands up in the air and started smiling, because what else could go wrong?”

Sure, Christina, it was the train that made you trip. And when you got arrested for being drunk in the passenger seat of a car, you were a victim. No really, that’s what she calls herself in this interview, a “victim of celebrity.”  I would have pegged her for a victim of Jagerbombs and low self esteem, but perhaps that’s just me.