Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Blind Item

Blind Item: Somebody’s Eating Paper

A photo of Blind Items

From Blind Gossip:

This actress is known mostly for her work in television. She is pretty, but she is desperate to be thinner. While she already looks slim, she thinks that if she could just drop a few more pounds that she will land the lead role in a series this year. She has a difficult time battling the hunger pangs, so she has resorted to a rather bizarre diet.

She has been eating paper. She buys rolls of paper towels made of unbleached paper, and chews bits of it all day long. She claims she is not hurting herself because she only eats natural paper and drinks plenty of water so that the paper passes naturally through her system.

I have no idea who this blind item is about. At all. Zero ideas. The two most popular guesses are Jennifer Aniston and Eva Longoria though: Jennifer because of the bit about water (mmmm, Smartwater!), and Eva because the bit about being “desperate.” But personally, I’ve got nothing.

That’s where you come in, friends. See if you can come up with some more guesses. Because I really, really want to know which bitch is eating paper.

Blind Items: Taylor Swift is a Beard Again

photo of taylor swift and harry styles pictures, photos
From Blind Gossip:

This cute young celebrity is in a tough spot. He wants to live as his real self, but he is part of a group that could suffer if his image changes.

Here’s the situation: He is gay. He has always been gay. But the role he has to play is one which girls would find attractive. So for the past couple of years, he has been pretending to be straight, and pretending to enjoy girls idolizing him.

Now he is growing increasingly uncomfortable with that role. He is frustrated that he can’t openly date guys his age. He is not the only one in his group of colleagues who feels this way. However, for now, he is the only one who has been pushing management to allow him to be the “The Gay One”. He really wouldn’t mind that label at all. The others are trying to stay out of the controversy. While they are privately supportive of him, they are content to play the public game of pretending that they are all straight as long as the paychecks keep rolling in.

His management team – which is substantially older than him – vehemently opposes his coming out. They have made it very clear to him that they are there to sell an image, not to cater to his personal desires to come out. They believe in the more old-fashioned “girls are only interested in straight boy celebrities” school of thought. They don’t believe that a gay young celebrity will sell. They are so convinced of this that they have warned him that if he goes rogue and announces that he is gay, and fans tune out… he will lose his job.

It’s Harry Styles, right? One Direction and Harry Styles? Who else could it be? It’s not as if there are any super-mega popular boybands out there these days, unless you count Backstreet Boys, but I think that ship has sailed for a variety of reasons. One, they’re not spring chickens anymore, guys. Two? Didn’t one of them already come out as gay? Wait, no. That was *N Sync—Lance Bass. Alright, not the Backstreet Boys.

I’m going to go with Harry Styles, because that’s the easy thing, and when all else fails, you go for easy, right? Isn’t that why he was “dating” Taylor Swift to begin with?

Blind Item: Is Gwyneth Paltrow Having An Affair with Jay-Z?

A photo of Gwyneth Paltrow and Jay-Z

From Blind Gossip:

We aren’t easily surprised, but this one definitely shocked us.

These two celebrity couples have been known to hang out together. The wives are especially close friends.

The first wife is a beautiful, award-winning Actress who has also done some singing on TV and in films. The second wife is an beautiful, award-winning Singer who has also done some acting on TV and in films. Both women’s husbands are also famous and very successful in the entertainment industry.

Well, two of these people are even closer than we thought. It turns out that the Actress has hooked up several times with the Singer’s husband in the past few years.

This surprised us for several reasons. First, because the two women are practically best friends, and their friendship would end if the Singer ever found out. Second, because all of these people travel and are photographed so much that it would take some crazy planning to have an affair without anybody noticing. And third, because the Actress had a history of dating very attractive guys when she was a single lady… and the Singer’s husband doesn’t exactly fall into that category.

So this is pretty clear, right? Gwyneth Paltrow is the actress who sings sometimes, Beyonce is the singer who acts sometimes. They’re total besties. The actress’ history of dating very attractive dudes, that’s Brad Pitt. Nobody calls Jay-Z pretty. It’s pretty simple, isn’t it?

But while I don’t have any doubts that this is what the blind item is about, I kind of don’t believe it. I just really, really can’t see Gwyneth Paltrow and Jay-Z boning. Can you? Can you even try? I started to, but then my brain kind of shut down, like it was telling me that I was about to unnecessarily hurt myself.

What do you guys think about this?

Blind Items: John Mayer’s Already Thinking of Breaking Up With Katy Perry

photo of katy perry and john mayer pictures
From Blind Gossip:

This high-profile female celebrity bought her boyfriend a beautiful new automobile this holiday season. She even told him that there were no strings attached so that he could feel more manly about it.

He is so appreciative of her thoughtful gift that the first thing he did was to thank her with a few special hours in the bedroom.

The second thing he did was to start calling dealerships and researching the car online to get an idea of its value. That way, when they break up with next year, he can sell it for cash.

He has told friends that he already knows the relationship will likely not survive the upcoming scandal of her discovering how much he cheats on her. But will she be surprised when she finds out the gender of those with whom he is cheating?

So now, I don’t know if Katy Perry bought John Mayer a car, but duh, it wouldn’t really be at all surprising if Katy Perry did buy him a car, because Katy Perry would totally do what she needed to do to keep a man. Also not surprising? That John Mayer would be cheating so brashly on Katy Perry and not really trying to hide it. That last thing? The thing about John Mayer cheating on Katy with other dudes? Well. Also not surprising. As a matter of fact, nothing about this whole situation is all that surprising, and the fact that it’s not surprising isn’t surprising either.

Blind Item: Casper Smart Isn’t Such A Great Boyfriend

A photo of Casper Smart and Jennifer Lopez

From Blind Gossip:

This high-profile female celebrity bought her boyfriend a beautiful new automobile this holiday season. She even told him that there were no strings attached so that he could feel more manly about it.

He is so appreciative of her thoughtful gift that the first thing he did was to thank her with a few special hours in the bedroom.

The second thing he did was to start calling dealerships and researching the car online to get an idea of its value. That way, when they break up with next year, he can sell it for cash.

He has told friends that he already knows the relationship will likely not survive the upcoming scandal of her discovering how much he cheats on her. But will she be surprised when she finds out the gender of those with whom he is cheating?

There are a few other couples that this blind item could be about – Katy Perry and John Mayer, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, and Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are a few examples – but I’m going to stick with Jennifer Lopez and Casper Smart. For one, I don’t think any of these other dudes would go through the trouble of checking out car prices. They all make way too much money for that, I imagine, but Casper is a backup dancer. He could definitely use the money more than the other guys.

For two, Jennifer has a history of buying Casper fancy gifts. She even bought him a truck for his last birthday, which sets up a nice tradition.

And finally, there’s that clue about the cheating, particularly the part about cheating with men. I think we can all fondly recall the photo of Casper in the shiny gold shorts that accompanied the story about his rumored sexuality, and I would be the least surprised if it was all true.

In closing, Casper Smart is a shady character who is using Jennifer Lopez and her loving nature to gain fame and money. And that’s sad, but not at all surprising.

Any other guesses?

Blind Item: The Kardashians Are About to Fall Apart

A photo of the Kardashians and the Jenners

From Blind Gossip:

This celebrity family is going through some troubles, with lots of rumors floating around about who is doing what, and who is siding with whom.

Well, here is the real story.

This argument isn’t about money or fame. It’s about the child/ren.

The father recognized from the beginning that he doesn’t have much control over the child/ren from his wife’s previous marriage, so he adopted a fairly laissez-faire policy when it came to their upbringing. He was supportive, but not overly controlling or a strict disciplinarian.

He really wants his kids to be happy. Well, the younger child/ren told him that they would be happiest if they could do what the older child/ren was doing. No surprise there. Given that their older sibling/s was receiving money, gifts, fame and parental attention for their behavior, why would they yearn for anything else? So, the father let them do it.

The father now realizes that he made a mistake. He is not dumb or passive. He knows that he screwed up. But he also recognizes the pitfalls of fame that lie before him. He knows that swift, public action – talking about the issues, speaking negatively about his wife, making public statements about how unhappy he is about the situation, or suddenly pulling the younger child/ren out of their activities – will only exacerbate the problem. The wife is ruthless when it comes to getting what she wants, and he has no doubt that she will launch a PR war against him if he makes a false move.

So he is trying to deal with all of this very quietly and behind closed doors. He has attorneys, and they are keeping up a steady but careful campaign for him to get more control over the situation. Just know that he is a lot smarter and more disciplined than anyone is giving him credit for being.

He wants a different upbringing for the younger child/ren, and he is determined to get it. Will he only get that by breaking up the family and divorcing his wife? Yes. And he wants that done soon so that he can influence the child/ren before they are of legal age to decide for themselves/selves.

I think it’s fairly obvious that this blind item is about poor Bruce Jenner, don’t you? Everything fits well enough that I don’t even feel like I have to walk us through it. It’s just sad because honestly, I don’t think there’s much hope for Kendall and Kylie Jenner, the younger children in question, at this point. They’re 15 and 17 years old, and they’ve been on Keeping Up with the Kardashians since they were 10 and 12, so there’s really no way for them to have a different upbringing. They were brought up doing sketchy modeling jobs and making ridiculous amounts of money for “designing” nail polish. I think things are pretty much set by now.

Poor, poor Bruce.

The Best Blind Item Ever: Taylor Swift’s Pregnancy

A photo of Taylor Swift

Oh my god. Oh my god. This is crazy. If this blind item is true, then it is crazy. If the word didn’t bother me in this context, I would call it positively juicy. It’s that good.

From Blind Gossip:

This popular young celebrity is pretty and personable and every marketer’s dream. Most marketers would flinch, though, if one of her darkest secrets was to come to light.

There was a time when she actually dated guys in whom she was genuinely interested. One of these guys was a celebrity. Like other Good Girls before her, she fell hard for him, and had a physical relationship with him. But he was just using her. She was crushed when she figured that out. Even worse, she was pregnant.

There was never a question about her having the baby. Both she and her team were absolutely panic-stricken at thought of America’s Good Girl bearing a child out of wedlock by America’s Biggest Jerk.

The baby was terminated, the couple broke up, and she went back to being America’s Good Girl. It’s one of the reasons her team has been so eager since then to have her beard for gay male celebrities since then. It’s much, much safer that way.

John Mayer knocked up Taylor Swift. Just let that one sink in for a moment. Just process it. Oh my god.

Everything fits. Taylor Swift could certainly be called America’s Good Girl, John Mayer, well, we all know how jerky he is. And the photo that Blind Gossip used for this item is some drawing of a girl with blonde hair and wings, and she very obviously looks like Taylor. And also, that bit about “the other Good Girls” before her? Jennifer Aniston, another lady who got tangled in John Mayer’s dirty web, starred in a movie called The Good Girl. BOOM.

Can you see this story being true? Because I kind of can.