I’ve said it before and I’m going to say it one last time: if you emulate, or try to compare your music, your style, or your career (or worst of all, your life) to Marilyn Monroe, you’ve got some awful, deep-seated issues that are just never going to go away, unless you’re Megan Fox and you achieve the clarity that it takes to painfully remove a stupid, ill-considered tattoo of Marilyn Monroe on a visible part of your body. OK?

Here’s the latest Marilyn wannabe: Amber Heard. Who I don’t generally think all that highly of, anyway, but after this business, my ratings are even lower. Sure, I get that most celebrities don’t get to choose the photo shoot theme, but they do get to choose the photo shoots that they participate in. And anyone with a shred of self-worth should know that posing as Marilyn Monroe (unless you’re CAST as Marilyn Monroe in a loose biopic) is going to subject you to intense mental scrutiny and general public mockery.

But alas? Amber Heard. She posed for Max Italy, a magazine where it’s apparently not taboo to parade around looking like a second-rate hooker with a bad dye-job who has a history of mental illness and erratic behaviors. And it’s bad. All of it’s so, so bad.

So please. Just stop. It really makes me want to kill myself every time I have to make fun of some stupid celebrity who thinks that Marilyn Monroe comparisons are flattering and are actually going to help further their career, and I’m far too f-cking happy of a person to feel like I want to kill myself over stupid people that have no identity of their own, alright?

I know. You guys probably think I’m obsessed with nude photos of celebrities, but you want to know something? If I am, I’m not the only one. You cannot IMAGINE the search terms that some of our traffic is generated from through Google and what not. It’s unbelievable. And in some cases, unrepeatable, for the sake of going to jail. Some of the things that people Google, and thus, land on our page, is illegal in 48 states. I know this for a fact, and these are your peers, guys. They say there’s a market for everything, and dadgum. They sure were right.

Anyway, here’s a photo of Amber Heard‘s tatas. They’re after the jump, NSFW, and really not all that impressive. But like I’ve always said, I’ll take a half-assed nip shot over no nip shot any day, you feel me?