Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Aliana Lohan

A Real Lohan Holiday

photo of lindsay lohan and her family for christmas 2012 pictures no michael pic
Oh guys. Just when we thought ‘Lohan Holiday’ was a thing of the past, we were treated to this extra-special photo of Lindsay and all of the Lohans, minus one adult Michael Lohan.

As you can see, Lindsay Lohan spent Christmas with her mother, Dina Lohan, her brothers (Michael Jr. and Cody) and sister (Ali), and what’s that I see? Did Lindsay get her old teeth back for Christmas? Because it sure looks like Lindsay got her old teeth back for Christmas. How fun.

In case you didn’t happen to know the who’s who of the Lohan family, I’ve got it on lockdown for you: from left to right—Ali Lohan, Cody Lohan, Dina Lohan, Lindsay Lohan, Grandma Not-Lohan, and last, but not least, Michael Lohan Jr.

Isn’t this just a gem of a photo, guys?

Image courtesy of TMZ

Flashback: Let’s Just Take a Quick Listen to ‘Lohan Holiday’, OK?

Oh my God, guys, I can’t even. I seriously can’t stop laughing. I don’t know what’s worse—Ali Lohan (who does the majority of the singing on the track) trying to to sound like a lost Bone Thug, Lindsay doing the echoes, runs, and harmonies, or the lyrics themselves. Can’t bring yourself to actually listen to this song? Here’s the lyrics so you can at least have some idea about what I’m busting a gut over:

Let me take you on a Lohan holiday
A winter wonderland that’s oh so far away
Don’t have to go no where – just let your mind escape
Come on a journey to this Lohan holiday

Imagine if you can – a magical Christmas land fictional journey – a vision so real
A place everybody smiles – wont you come for a while
Lets go in a hurry – come with me you’ll see

Imaginations all you really need (lohan holiday)

Let me take you on a Lohan holiday
A winter wonderland that’s oh so far away
Don’t have to go no where – just let your mind escape
Come on a journey to this Lohan holiday

Such a magical ride – so come on jump inside
A great destination for everyone to see
The wonders in the air can’t wait to see you there
Magical moments that you have only dreamed
All you have to do is just believe (lohan holiday)

Let me take you on a Lohan holiday
A winter wonderland that’s oh so far away
Don’t have to go no where – just let your mind escape
Come on a journey to this Lohan holiday

A Christmas fantasy that’s meant for you and me
Where everything you’ll ever want is for free just believe (take you there)

Let me take you on a Lohan holiday
A winter wonderland that’s oh so far away
Don’t have to go no where – just let your mind escape
Come on a journey to this Lohan holiday
Come let me take you on a Lohan holiday
A winter wonderland that’s oh so far away
Don’t have to go no where – just let your mind escape
I can take you so far away

See, now, I’m picturing all of this snow everywhere, and I don’t think it’s an accident. I think it’s all actually a metaphor for cocaine, because really, what does the Lohan family do super good? They do cocaine super good, friends, and what makes for a whiter Christmas than coke-blown landscapes and good old-fashioned family dysfunction? Nothing, I tell you—not a thing.

Merry Christmas from the Lohans. Yeah, it was a sentiment from 2006, but I like to think that some things just don’t change all that much (probably because they don’t).

Ali Lohan is Important, Apparently Has a Guru

photo of ali lohan and her guru friend boyfriend pictures in hawaii pics
According to Merriam-Webster (some dictionary people and not non-legitimate word-definers like myself), a “guru” is “a teacher and especially intellectual guide in matters of fundamental concern.” Did you catch that? No? Here it is again: “A TEACHER AND ESPECIALLY INTELLECTUAL GUIDE IN MATTERS OF FUNDAMENTAL CONCERN.”

And in young Ali‘s case, you’re probably wondering what “fundamental concern” means to her. I’m guessing, in my layman’s terms, that Ali’s “fundamental concern” solely lies with what blend of Parliaments to smoke, whether or not to listen to Death Cab for Cutie or the Postal Service (sooooo retro), or sip that Pabst Blue Ribbon. This is all how Lindsay got her start, you know, so …

[I don't know if this actually is Ali's "guru," but it's a lot more plausible to think that than that he's her boyfriend or something.]