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Aliana Lohan

A Real Lohan Holiday

photo of lindsay lohan and her family for christmas 2012 pictures no michael pic
Oh guys. Just when we thought ‘Lohan Holiday’ was a thing of the past, we were treated to this extra-special photo of Lindsay and all of the Lohans, minus one adult Michael Lohan.

As you can see, Lindsay Lohan spent Christmas with her mother, Dina Lohan, her brothers (Michael Jr. and Cody) and sister (Ali), and what’s that I see? Did Lindsay get her old teeth back for Christmas? Because it sure looks like Lindsay got her old teeth back for Christmas. How fun.

In case you didn’t happen to know the who’s who of the Lohan family, I’ve got it on lockdown for you: from left to right—Ali Lohan, Cody Lohan, Dina Lohan, Lindsay Lohan, Grandma Not-Lohan, and last, but not least, Michael Lohan Jr.

Isn’t this just a gem of a photo, guys?

Image courtesy of TMZ

Flashback: Let’s Just Take a Quick Listen to ‘Lohan Holiday’, OK?

Oh my God, guys, I can’t even. I seriously can’t stop laughing. I don’t know what’s worse—Ali Lohan (who does the majority of the singing on the track) trying to to sound like a lost Bone Thug, Lindsay doing the echoes, runs, and harmonies, or the lyrics themselves. Can’t bring yourself to actually listen to this song? Here’s the lyrics so you can at least have some idea about what I’m busting a gut over:

Let me take you on a Lohan holiday
A winter wonderland that’s oh so far away
Don’t have to go no where – just let your mind escape
Come on a journey to this Lohan holiday

Imagine if you can – a magical Christmas land fictional journey – a vision so real
A place everybody smiles – wont you come for a while
Lets go in a hurry – come with me you’ll see

Imaginations all you really need (lohan holiday)

Let me take you on a Lohan holiday
A winter wonderland that’s oh so far away
Don’t have to go no where – just let your mind escape
Come on a journey to this Lohan holiday

Such a magical ride – so come on jump inside
A great destination for everyone to see
The wonders in the air can’t wait to see you there
Magical moments that you have only dreamed
All you have to do is just believe (lohan holiday)

Let me take you on a Lohan holiday
A winter wonderland that’s oh so far away
Don’t have to go no where – just let your mind escape
Come on a journey to this Lohan holiday

A Christmas fantasy that’s meant for you and me
Where everything you’ll ever want is for free just believe (take you there)

Let me take you on a Lohan holiday
A winter wonderland that’s oh so far away
Don’t have to go no where – just let your mind escape
Come on a journey to this Lohan holiday
Come let me take you on a Lohan holiday
A winter wonderland that’s oh so far away
Don’t have to go no where – just let your mind escape
I can take you so far away

See, now, I’m picturing all of this snow everywhere, and I don’t think it’s an accident. I think it’s all actually a metaphor for cocaine, because really, what does the Lohan family do super good? They do cocaine super good, friends, and what makes for a whiter Christmas than coke-blown landscapes and good old-fashioned family dysfunction? Nothing, I tell you—not a thing.

Merry Christmas from the Lohans. Yeah, it was a sentiment from 2006, but I like to think that some things just don’t change all that much (probably because they don’t).

Ali Lohan is Important, Apparently Has a Guru

photo of ali lohan and her guru friend boyfriend pictures in hawaii pics
According to Merriam-Webster (some dictionary people and not non-legitimate word-definers like myself), a “guru” is “a teacher and especially intellectual guide in matters of fundamental concern.” Did you catch that? No? Here it is again: “A TEACHER AND ESPECIALLY INTELLECTUAL GUIDE IN MATTERS OF FUNDAMENTAL CONCERN.”

And in young Ali‘s case, you’re probably wondering what “fundamental concern” means to her. I’m guessing, in my layman’s terms, that Ali’s “fundamental concern” solely lies with what blend of Parliaments to smoke, whether or not to listen to Death Cab for Cutie or the Postal Service (sooooo retro), or sip that Pabst Blue Ribbon. This is all how Lindsay got her start, you know, so …

[I don’t know if this actually is Ali’s “guru,” but it’s a lot more plausible to think that than that he’s her boyfriend or something.]

Quotables: Ali Lohan Has “the Perfect Look”

Photos from Ali Lohan's Next Modeling porfolio

She has the perfect look, very European, more angular. She has the right lean look for modeling. …She’s a 33-24-34, which is a size 1 or 2.

—Modeling agent Alexis Borges, to Life & Style

Ah, of course. The “right, lean look.” (In the meantime, Next’s website gives Aliana‘s measurements as 30-23-33. Hmm! She’s “leaner” than her own agent realizes!)

Image gallery via Pop2it and Next Model Management

All The Lohan Kids Went To The Knicks Game Together Last Night

If you’re from a big Irish family, you know that most of us spent last night getting totally plastered, but if your older sister is a famously-rehabbed actress, that’s not really an option. That’s probably why all four Lohan siblings wound up going to a Knicks game together last night.

These pictures are… fucking hilarious… and there’s plenty you’ll want to observe, but here are some of my favorites:

1) From what I can tell by Lindsay’s face, she’s SERIOUSLY into basketball. She looks animated as hell in half of these shots.

2) The last thing that Cody Lohan wants is his less-famous sister showing him affection in public.

3) Michael Lohan, Jr., despite being ashamed of his family name, is actually there with them. The kid seems so normal. It’s gotta be weird for him to know he’s from this clan.

Make sure you don’t miss any of these shots (pun sort of intended) and feel free to caption ‘em in the comments…

These Photos Are a Metaphor for Something Gorgeous

These photos of Ali and Lindsay Lohan gripping each other’s hands as they make their way through a swarm of paparazzi in NYC are deep, you guys. Really deep. Think about it: These sisters have been through hell recently. Lindsay’s been to court, had her father break into her house and then falsely announce to the Internet that she has HIV in the last two weeks. That’s a lot for anyone, but for an emotionally fragile Lohan? Far too much. Maybe the only thing keeping this girl hanging on is the literal and metaphorical unbreakable bond she has with her sister and her mother. It’s beautiful, guys. Really beautiful.

Dina Lohan Goes to Bat For Her Hella Cray-Cray Daughter Once Again

What would a former child star be without an insane, enabling mother? The Lohans, you gotta love how textbook they are. Dina Lohan, has of course, spoken out to defend her daughter against her father’s claims that she’s a bad influence on her teenaged sister Ali, who’s currently crashing with Lindz. For those of you who have lives, you probably missed Lindsay’s big Twitter meltdown that brought all of this drama to our attention.

Dina talked to People about the whole ordeal:

“They scared the hell out of my girls. Ali called me hysterically crying. They were hysterical and petrified of him. I spoke to the [police officer] and said, ‘You don’t have a warrant, get out!’ Lindsay is absolutely, 100 percent, not [a bad influence]. Ali is amazing. She loves her sister. Would I let my daughter go anywhere that’s dangerous? I mean, come on, Ali and Lindsay need to be protected from their ex-father. That’s the dangerous situation. He’s creating a worse situation for everyone. Michael’s not well. Nothing he does surprises me. He’s dangerous. He’s not going to be able to [intrude] again and get that close. Ali doesn’t want to see him again. She has a block on her phone because she was so petrified of him. He needs to pay child support and leave his kids alone. I’m not going to sit idle and watch bad things happen to my kids.”

“Would I let my daughter go anywhere that’s dangerous?” Dina Lohan is amazing. Of course she’d let her daughter go somewhere that’s dangerous. A derrrrrrrr…

My friend Molly (yeah, that’s her name too) and I were talking about this the other day, about how Dina Lohan is the real problem here. You can’t blame a mother for wanting to defend her child, but I think you can blame a mother who constantly defends her child. Her child that has been a legal adult for half a decade now, anyway. If Lindsay doesn’t find a positive influence that she will listen to and that doesn’t have ulterior motives, she might live until 30. Otherwise, I’d be shocked.

Check out Dina and Lindsay over the years: