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A photo of Justin Bieber

Well, I never. I literally have never. I’ve never felt so much disappointment, so much shame, and so much fear for the future of the youth of the world.

Nah, I’m just playin’. This is just a photo of Justin Bieber smoking a joint.

The photo was taken at a party in some hotel room on January 2nd. Everyone got high, and then they reportedly talked about the best place to get fast food late at night. No, really, that actually happened.

Really, the only thing I’m worried about with this new development of Justin Bieber: Weed Fiend is that he’s going to ruin his beautiful, delicate vocal cords with the smoke. Because then he might not sing like an angel anymore, and he might lose popularity, and then he would fade into obscurity in a haze of smoke. And we just couldn’t have that, now could we?

January 5, 2013 at 8:00 am by Emily
Filed Under: Justin Bieber

16Let’s All Watch This Video of Gwyneth Paltrow Dancing

If you were the average viewer, you’d probably describe this video as a video of Jay-Z rapping. You might call it a video of Jay-Z rapping with Chris Martin bouncing around and saying something into the microphone every now and then. But I am not the average viewer, and I’m sure many of you aren’t either. So for me, and perhaps for you, this is a hilarious video of Gwyneth Paltrow dancing.

Why don’t you do yourself a favor and treat yourself by watching this video? You’re worth it. She does this thing where she keeps raising up one hand, and I think at one point she might grab her crotch.

January 4, 2013 at 3:30 pm by Emily
Filed Under: Gwyneth Paltrow

2Zooey Deschanel: “I Want to Be A F-cking Feminist And Wear A F-cking Peter Pan Collar

A photo of Zooey Deschanel

Oh, Zooey, the apple of my eye. She could get arrested for building a meth lab in the back of an ice cream truck and I’d be like “well, she probably had a good reason for doing it.” She can’t do a single thing wrong, but she is very, very capable of doing things right.

As you probably guessed by the picture of Zooey on the cover of a Glamour magazine, she did an interview for the publication, and she had some pretty nice things to say:

On being a whimsical feminist: “I’m just being myself. There is not an ounce of me that believes any of that crap that they say. We can’t be feminine and be feminists and be successful? I want to be a f-cking feminist and wear a f-cking Peter Pan collar. So f-cking what?”

On her self image: “It’s just about doing what you like so that when you look at yourself, you’re not disgusted. And I’m all about unintentional. I’m not a calculated person.”

On thin celebrities: “Actresses have definitely gotten thinner over the course of my lifetime. Women I admired growing up—Debra Winger, Diane Keaton, Meryl Streep—were all beautiful and thin, but not too thin. There are a lot of actresses who are unhealthy-skinny—much, much too skinny. You can’t Pilates to that. I’m a very small person, and if I lost 15 pounds, I’d look like them; it’s scary. For young girls, what does that say? You need to look this way to be successful? That’s not true. You do not need to look or be anorexic to be successful in Hollywood. The range of what’s acceptable is larger than what people believe.”

But Zooey, I want to be a f-cking feminist and wear a f-cking Peter Pan collar, too! Peter Pan collars are the most adorable thing.

Oh, but she makes a really, really good point, doesn’t she? I hate the kind of thinking that dictates that feminists look and act a certain way, because that’s kind of detrimental to the whole movement, you know? Like, why are you trying to put limitations on your sisters, crazy feminists? A girl can raise a couple thousand dollars for a women’s shelter and drool over the square dancing petticoats in her local western wear store (that’s me, you guys!).

As for the other stuff, I really don’t know how much I believe the thing about how you really don’t have to be thin in Hollywood. Maybe she’s talking about girls with body types more like hers – naturally thin but certainly healthy looking – and not straight up fat girls. Because as it is now, I think there’s just a very small handful of fat working actresses in Hollywood, and they’re usually just in roles about their fatness, which isn’t very cool.

Regardless, I LOVE YOU ZOOEY.

January 4, 2013 at 2:30 pm by Emily
Filed Under: Zooey Deschanel

0Gabriel Aubry Isn’t Going to Get in Trouble, Has to Be A Good Boy for A Whole Year!

A photo of Gabriel Aubry and Halle Berry

Oh, that Thanksgiving Throwdown and how it’s come to haunt us all …

Or, no, but remember that time that Gabriel Aubry got his ass kicked by Halle Berry‘s new dude, Olivier Martinez? Yeah, and then everyone said that it was all Gabriel’s fault, even though it looked like he was about half a punch from having his whole entire head knocked off? We knew that everything was cool already, that no one was going to get into any trouble, but now we know that everything is cool, just as long as Gabriel Aubry doesn’t mess everything up again.

Here’s the story from TMZ:

Gabriel Aubry is in the clear in the Thanksgiving Day brawl at Halle Berry’s house … with one string attached.

TMZ has learned … the L.A. City Attorney conducted two office hearings — one where Halle and Gabriel’s sparring partner Olivier Martinez showed up together and another where Gabriel showed up alone on a different day.

Sources tell TMZ … the case has now been resolved and Gabriel will not be criminally prosecuted, PROVIDED he keeps his nose clean for a year.

TMZ previously reported … anger management was on the table as a possible condition to avoid prosecution, but the City Attorney has a policy of neither confirming nor denying specifics.

Ok, so Halle and Olivier set Gabriel up so that he couldn’t cause any trouble for the next year. That sounds great, because Gabriel really sounds like the problem here. Let’s just hope that he had to go ahead and take those anger management classes, because we all know that he’s the real monster here.

Just in case we’ve forgotten, let’s take a look at a side-by-side photo of Olivier and Gabriel after the fight:

A photo of Olivier Martinez and Gabriel Aubry

Yeah, I hope this can keep Gabriel in line.

January 4, 2013 at 12:30 pm by Emily
Filed Under: Gabriel Aubry

11Kanye Totally Already Knows What His Kid Is Going to Be Like

A photo of Kanye West

Oh my gosh, wouldn’t it be neat if you could decide every single thing about your kid before you even had one? Maybe? I can’t decide if it would be neat or boring or creepy, but for Kanye‘s sake, I’m going to lean toward neat for now.

See, Kanye, way before he impregnated Kim Kardashian, already planned out what his son was going to be like, and he documented it all in a song called “New Day.” The song was one of his collaborations with Jay-Z on Watch the Throne, and one of his verses went a little something like this:

And I’ll never let my son have an ego / He’ll be nice to everyone, wherever we go / I mean I might even make him be Republican / So everybody know he love white people / And I’ll never let him leave his college girlfriend / And get caught up with the groupies in the whirlwind / And I’ll never let him ever hit the telethon / I mean even if people dyin’ and the world ends / See, I just want him to have an easy life / Not like Yeezy life, just want him to be someone people like / Don’t want him to be hated all the time, judged / Don’t be like your daddy that would never budge / And I’ll never let him ever hit a strip club / I learned the hard way, that ain’t the place to get love / And I’ll never let his mom move to LA / Knowin’ she couldn’t take the pressure now we all pray.

Well, some of this stuff is nice, at least. He says he won’t let his son have an ego, which … well, I guess it depends on Kanye’s definition of the word. Because if he thinks that he himself doesn’t have an ego either, then oh, this poor child. But the part about wanting him to have an easy life is sweet, and the part about not letting him go to strip clubs with bad intentions. And of course, the part about his mom is heartbreaking, and totally implausible now that the mother of Kanye’s child is going to be Kim Kardashian. But most of this is actually ok. Except the bit about making him be a Republican and not letting him ever do telethons. That sounds a little controlling.

Do you think Kanye’s going to be a good dad?

January 4, 2013 at 5:30 am by Emily
Filed Under: Kanye West

4Does Lindsay Lohan Have A New Face?

A photo of Lindsay Lohan

Ok, that photo is of Lindsay Lohan on New Year’s Eve, definitely not partying. Take a look at her face. It’s the same one we’ve seen for a good while. Got it?

Now look at this:

A photo of Lindsay Lohan

That’s one of the very first photos of Lindsay taken in 2013. TMZ posted it, along with the headline “Shocking New Year’s Transformation,” but I don’t know. It looks like she got a decent amount of needles stuck into her face to tighten and smooth and creep or whatever, but I wouldn’t really call this “shocking.” Let her lay low for a few weeks and then come out with a Michael Jackson nose, Courtney Stodden boobs, and a Nicole Kidman forehead, then we’ll talk.

How does she look though? Honestly.

January 4, 2013 at 4:30 am by Emily
Filed Under: Lindsay Lohan