Here we are, on the Monday after Super Bowl weekend, and I don’t have absolutely no freakin’ idea what the big deal was. While (what I presume would be) the majority of the American people spent yesterday in front of their TVs, binge drinking and yelling things like “ALL THE WAY, BABY!” (49ers fans), and “WHODAT! WHODAT! (Ravens fans), I enjoyed a blissfully quiet grocery shopping, prepared organic baby food, saw a game of Segway polo at the field of my local school and sat next to hubby, ate ice cream and watched him code in Python (this is the Silicon Valley).
I am not interested in football because where I come from, football is a game that you play with your feet, involves an actual ball and doesn’t require the use of heavy protective gear. Besides, American football rules are just too convoluted for me. But while football irritates me only mildly, Beyoncé is literally tap dancing on my last nerve. She performed at the Super Bowl halftime last night, a show for which she notoriously prepared to sing live, and along with about a million dollars in pyrotechnics, she blew it. She totally did! Beyoncé is arrogant, pretentious, pseudo-talented, self-righteous and phony, and nothing she could do would make me think otherwise. Unless, of course, she decides to get off her high horse and publicly admit she used a surrogate, and then stands at a street corner for an entire day, giving away free puppies to strangers as an apology for faking her pregnancy. That would be cute.
Seemingly invigorated by recent criticism of her “Star-Spangled Banner” performance, Beyoncé flaunted her supreme vocal and dancing chops throughout the halftime show. Backed by an all-female band, including a guitarist with a fire-spewing guitar, she appeared mid-field as an audio snippet of John F. Kennedy blared overhead. She opened with a tease of “Love on Top” before launching into her first solo single, “Crazy in Love,” as a crew of backing dancers stomped and shimmied in unison. Next came a sultry, horn-inflected “End of Time,” from her most recent album, 4, after which Beyoncé stood before an electronic screen depicting multiple images of herself as she got sassy to “Baby Boy.”
The spotlight may have been on Beyoncé, but her set’s biggest moment came when the singer reunited with her fellow Destiny’s Child members Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams (the trio recently released their first single in nearly a decade, “Nuclear”). Rowland and Williams popped out on the gargantuan stage – constructed to resemble two Beyoncé faces gazing at one another – and launched into a rendition of their backside-glorifying anthem “Bootylicious” before cranking up the energy even higher with a take on “Independent Woman: Part 1,” their smash hit from the Charlie’s Angels soundtrack. The performance ended fittingly with the trio striking a pose in the form of the film’s lead crime-fighting female characters.
And my favorite part:
“Kelly, Michelle, you want to help me sing this one?” Beyoncé asked her counterparts, moments before the threesome charged into her chart-topping hit “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It).” Then, as her former groupmates exited the stage, Beyoncé told the crowd, “I wanna feel your energy,” before closing out her set with an emotional rendition of her power ballad “Halo.” She rocked out, hair flailing and on her knees, at the lip of the stage, then collapsed on her back as the stadium lights went dark.
Apparently, they didn’t watch the same thing I did. “Popping out” is just about right when it comes to Kelly Rowland’s and Michelle Williams’s comical entrance onstage, but Beyoncé did nothing of the flaunting-supreme-vocals sort. She sounded out of breath, and her belting out only conveyed that she was trying a bit too hard. Sure, she can sing and dance, but I cannot comprehend why she always feels like she has to rub it in our face. It’s tiring and I wish she would stop.
In moments like these, though, you gotta laugh. I ignored the fact that most celebrities on Twitter were also in ecstasy over Beyoncé’s performance, and concentrated on what the real people had to say. Please allow me to share some of the gems:
“Ugh, Beyonce is so annoying. And don’t call SF “San Fran”…no one calls it that.”
“OMG FIRE BEYONCE SHUT UP!”
“Beyoncé is foot stomping like a counting horse.”
“Beyoncé forgot her pants, but THE SHOW MUST GO ON!!”
“I hope they catch fire. There’s way too much fire. BURN!”
“This performance is making me die from laughter.”
“Think we just saw Destiny’s Child reunite and breakup again over a 5 minute show…”
“Beyoncé walks like an android.”
“Beyoncé used all the electricity.”
But seriously guys, what did you think? Was that the show of the year, or we need to add Beyoncé to the list of celebs you want to take a break from?