Got a Tip? Help us Beet Off!




41Beyoncé Broke the Super Bowl AND My Ears

Here we are, on the Monday after Super Bowl weekend, and I don’t have absolutely no freakin’ idea what the big deal was.  While (what I presume would be) the majority of the American people spent yesterday in front of their TVs, binge drinking and yelling things like “ALL THE WAY, BABY!” (49ers fans), and “WHODAT! WHODAT! (Ravens fans), I enjoyed a blissfully quiet grocery shopping, prepared organic baby food, saw a game of Segway polo at the field of my local school and sat next to hubby, ate ice cream and watched him code in Python (this is the Silicon Valley).

I am not interested in football because where I come from, football is a game that you play with your feet, involves an actual ball and doesn’t require the use of heavy protective gear.  Besides, American football rules are just too convoluted for me.  But while football irritates me only mildly, Beyoncé is literally tap dancing on my last nerve.  She performed at the Super Bowl halftime last night, a show for which she notoriously prepared to sing live, and along with about a million dollars in pyrotechnics, she blew it.  She totally did!  Beyoncé is arrogant, pretentious, pseudo-talented, self-righteous and phony, and nothing she could do would make me think otherwise.  Unless, of course, she decides to get off her high horse and publicly admit she used a surrogate, and then stands at a street corner for an entire day, giving away free puppies to strangers as an apology for faking her pregnancy.  That would be cute.

Unfortunately, Rolling Stone magazine disagrees with me on that one, and has only good things to say about Beyoncé’s performance:

Seemingly invigorated by recent criticism of her “Star-Spangled Banner” performance, Beyoncé flaunted her supreme vocal and dancing chops throughout the halftime show. Backed by an all-female band, including a guitarist with a fire-spewing guitar, she appeared mid-field as an audio snippet of John F. Kennedy blared overhead. She opened with a tease of “Love on Top” before launching into her first solo single, “Crazy in Love,” as a crew of backing dancers stomped and shimmied in unison. Next came a sultry, horn-inflected “End of Time,” from her most recent album, 4, after which Beyoncé stood before an electronic screen depicting multiple images of herself as she got sassy to “Baby Boy.”

The spotlight may have been on Beyoncé, but her set’s biggest moment came when the singer reunited with her fellow Destiny’s Child members Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams (the trio recently released their first single in nearly a decade, “Nuclear”). Rowland and Williams popped  out on the gargantuan stage – constructed to resemble two Beyoncé faces gazing at one another – and launched into a rendition of their backside-glorifying anthem “Bootylicious” before cranking up the energy even higher with a take on “Independent Woman: Part 1,” their smash hit from the Charlie’s Angels soundtrack. The performance ended fittingly with the trio striking a pose in the form of the film’s lead crime-fighting female characters.

And my favorite part:

“Kelly, Michelle, you want to help me sing this one?” Beyoncé asked her counterparts, moments before the threesome charged into her chart-topping hit “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It).” Then, as her former groupmates exited the stage, Beyoncé told the crowd, “I wanna feel your energy,” before closing out her set with an emotional rendition of her power ballad “Halo.” She rocked out, hair flailing and on her knees, at the lip of the stage, then collapsed on her back as the stadium lights went dark.

Apparently, they didn’t watch the same thing I did.  “Popping out” is just about right when it comes to Kelly Rowland’s and Michelle Williams’s comical entrance onstage, but Beyoncé did nothing of the flaunting-supreme-vocals sort.  She sounded out of breath, and her belting out only conveyed that she was trying a bit too hard.  Sure, she can sing and dance, but I cannot comprehend why she always feels like she has to rub it in our face.  It’s tiring and I wish she would stop.

In moments like these, though, you gotta laugh.  I ignored the fact that most celebrities on Twitter were also in ecstasy over Beyoncé’s performance, and concentrated on what the real people had to say.  Please allow me to share some of the gems:

“Ugh, Beyonce is so annoying.  And don’t call SF “San Fran”…no one calls it that.”

“OMG FIRE BEYONCE SHUT UP!”

“Beyoncé is foot stomping like a counting horse.”

“Beyoncé forgot her pants, but THE SHOW MUST GO ON!!”

“I hope they catch fire.  There’s way too much fire. BURN!”

“This performance is making me die from laughter.”

“Think we just saw Destiny’s Child reunite and breakup again over a 5 minute show…”

“Beyoncé walks like an android.”

And lastly:

“Beyoncé used all the electricity.”

Ha!

But seriously guys, what did you think?  Was that the show of the year, or we need to add Beyoncé to the list of celebs you want to take a break from?

February 4, 2013 at 4:30 am by Bobby Pfeiffer
Filed Under: Beyonce, Beyonce Knowles

41 Responses to “Beyoncé Broke the Super Bowl AND My Ears”

  1. Elaine says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHA! I don’t get football either! Thanks for hating on Beyonce! She is always trying too hard. Besides: she is a very disciplined perfectionist and those kind of people make me sick!

  2. phonyslut says:

    great article ..
    the only ‘effen’ honest review !
    right on man! she ain’t no aretha , gladys , billie or ella ..
    that is for DAYUM sure !!!!!

  3. Julia says:

    She still didn’t sing live !!!! She only sang about 10 words from each song in order to prove she could scream to the top of her lungs then the rest was back round per recorded lyrics !!! She tried to distract us by rolling around on the ground and flipping her hair !!! I hope people don’t pay the outrageous ticket prices to see her in concert !!!! She is such a phony and I hope everyone finally see it !!! She fakes everything !!! It’s still questionable if she even carried blue ivy or someone else did !!!! I hope she didn’t want to carry her own child because she didn’t want to ruin her shape because she is on the thick side which is fine but embrace it instead of thinking your a super model !!! And just plan being superficial !!!! She’s just a phony bitch and I hope we don’t have to hear about her for awhile !!!! Her and Kim k would actually make best friends they can fight who is more phony :)

  4. Elaine says:

    You forgot that Kim K. is actually carrying her own child (even though I am still not sure if she carries it in her womb or her butt…)

  5. Chaz says:

    Break? How about a total ban! Ok, the girl can sing, but vocal gymnastics drive me nuts. I’m so sick of these money grubbing celebs being held as paragons of society. Her, along with Usher and others played privately for the Gaddafi family & paid something in the area of a million. Sting played for the Uzbek prez Karimov, Linda ronstadt played sun city while Mandela was on Robben Island, Hillary Swank attended the Chechen prez Kadyrov’s birthday, list goes on and on…. Fuck ‘em all! We all bow to the dollar sign to some extent, I guess it depends on how far one is willing to prostrate themselves.
    Bobby, I understand your thoughts on American football, I played but never loved the game. I would much rather watch/play rugby any day.

  6. Harriet Meadow says:

    I, for one, thought her performance was much better than most of the halftime shows in recent memory (my favorite is still Prince, but whatever). She did sing live for at least part of it, but honestly I didn’t care whether she sang any of it live. We had the audio turned down so we could talk to each other (I was with a big, VERY fun group) and were just watching her shake it and dance and I was like “I would watch this all day long.” Remember, it’s the halftime “show”!

  7. Elizabeth Pacheco says:

    Omg! I absolutely love you! I am so tired of everyone kissing Beyonce’s ass! She’s not that great and I thought it was just me, but it did look like she was trying too hard. Plus whats the big deal? She had two ex band mates for a piece of two songs then kicked them off stage so she could finish alone!

  8. monkeysuit says:

    No not the show of the year but overall not bad. But she is completely full of herself. She used images of herself as back up dancers for crying out loud.

  9. Tor says:

    Ok, I don’t give too shits about american football (hey, we got a european over here), I also dont care too much about beyonce, but that was actually a good performance. She looks great, and her dancing was pretty hot

    • Chaz says:

      Yeah, but what has become of European football? Love the game, but its turned into a bunch of prima donnas pretending they’re hurt for 90 minutes, while rugby players spend 80 minutes pretending they’re not.

      • Tor says:

        Oh, don’t get me wrong, I don’t care for the european version either. Rugby though, rugby I can get behind.

  10. lana says:

    she’s a racist that bleaches her own skin. That sums Beyonce for me

  11. Jim Liu says:

    I thought it was fine. A lot better than Madonna. Get off the hate already, you’re new here.

    • Chaz says:

      Piss off and grow a pair Nancy.

    • lana says:

      so because she’s new here she can’t speak her mind?? If you wan’t to read kiss ass/ pr post then stick with justjared.com

    • Leslie says:

      Agree. I understand that everyone has the own opinion of her performance. However, this article is not what I’ve come to expect of evilbeet. Not funny at all. Just hateful. If your going to hate, at least do so in a funny way.

      The whole thing about giving away puppies? Was that supposed to be funny? It just sounds like a senseless rant to me.

      Never thought I would say this, but I rather read Perez Hilton’s cover of the Super Bowl than this.

      • lana says:

        perez is a kiss ass. i liked the nastiness..maybe it’s my european sense of humour

      • Chaz says:

        Your whole post sounds like a senseless rant to me, judges?

      • Oh, no – we’re not haters here. We try to be funny, but humor is really a sliding scale, and we often resort to sarcasm, irony, puns, and other figures of speech to illustrate our point. And other times it’s just not “funny” funny, just plain celebrity gossip, “gossip” being the operative word here. Beyonce gives us material for lots of it, but she doesn’t predispose me to be funny.

        However, I would regret to lose a reader over this, especially to Perez Hilton, therefore I solemnly promise to try harder to be funny next time. I am afraid I can’t do much about my senseless ranting, though. When puppies are involved, I turn into a brainless drooling potato (there, again!).

        Guys, I deeply respect the culture of football and baseball, and I understand well how important Super Bowl is to the American sports tradition. It’s just not my thing, that’s all :)

      • Chaz says:

        Bobby, your lady-balls just shrunk a bit.

  12. Jennifer says:

    Beyoncé is a queen forever!

  13. TxGal says:

    2 Broke Girls commercial was better entertainment than BeYonce hahaha.

  14. Webster says:

    Glad I skipped the Super Bowl. Every year the clips all look the same, a lot of dancing and fireworks with the latest super star prancing around the stage, you either like the singer in the first place(and football) and watch it or you don’t waste your time on them. That was me this year.

  15. flsunshinegirl says:

    Beyonce sucked.

  16. Mamie says:

    Can’t sing, can’t dance, graceless and arrogant. If I were Michelle Williams and Kelly Rowland I would have told her to bugger off and sing it herself since she had sucked all the oxygen out of the room.

  17. momster says:

    I’m in the Chaz camp on this one folks. The song that keeps rattling around my brain – thinking of Queen B is ‘I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth!’ – She is unquestionably beautiful – but her dancing seems more like an aerobics routine – it’s so frantic and frenetic. If she slowed it down it might actually look sexier. And vocals? Meh.

  18. To each their own – some like ladies with balls, others prefer them with a sense of humor. Let’s see if we can accommodate both *crotch scratch*

    The only regal thing about Beyonce is the fierce way she looks at the camera in an almost schizophrenic attempt to simultaneously smile innocently and aggressively seduce the audience, which results in associations with the Queen of Hearts, and I expect her to screech “OFF WITH THEIR HEADS” at any given moment….

  19. Chaz says:

    I’m thinking we lost something in translation Bobby. In the reference to “lady-balls”, what I meant was you shouldn’t have entertained Leslies post as valid. You said what you said, own it!!

    • Chaz says:

      And what you wrote was funny!

    • I totally got that, Chaz :) If I second guessed whether or not to express my opinions, even if they aren’t popular, I wouldn’t have taken the job. But I also want to be fair to all readers and to make sure that they stay our readers, instead of losing them to, as Lana put it, a kiss ass like Perez Hilton (or all the other gossip sites that are in an inexplicable awe of Beyonce).

      Rest assured that I still quite have my lady balls, and that they are just as I like them – elegant and just the right size ;)

  20. momster says:

    Hey Chaz…I’m not standing on ceremony here – I completely agree w/your take (plus love your plug for rugby) — We can always agree to disagree about other posts.

  21. raro says:

    what bugs me to no end is that people actually believe beyonce can sing. she can’t sing.she can’t.her voice is fucking awful. her being a singer is like…a blind photographer. doesn’t make sense at all.

  22. Leslie says:

    Bobby-
    Thanks for your reply. It’s good to know you read our comments. Your queen of hearts comparison in a previous comment was totally funny! Stuff like that is why I love this website over others, such as Perez. Whether someone is a Beyonce fan or not, her faces last night were definitely something to giggle about.

    I was in no way offended by your opinion or attacking your sense of humor. Like I said, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. As stated, I merely did not feel this article was what I was expecting from evilbeet. (Of course this is just MY opinion haha!)

    Thanks again for replying. I’ll be looking forward to more posts from you.

  23. Trisha says:

    OMG! Thank you for being honest!! I love this review! Beyonce is gross.

  24. Veronica says:

    Beyonce and Super Bowl aside, Watching your hubby type in Python is the sexiest thing EVER. I know from experience!

  25. You help it become seem to be simple with the display on the other hand obtain this condition to be really a very important factor which i feel I might under no circumstances fully grasp. It sort of feels too difficult as well as wide personally. I’m looking forward in your future publish, I am going to try and get the suspend than it!

Leave a Reply

Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting.